After you give up . . .
 

After you give up, how long does "sad" last?

Thanks.

As long as you need it to. And it could go back to angry or elsewhere.

For me, it depends on whether there is any contact with AH.

I am sorry you are feeling sad. :(

*prayers of peace for hammer*

a day at a time, I'm sorry to say.
if it didn't you wouldn't be human.

For me after 4 years together the depression lasted 11 1/2 months. That is with al anon, therapy and SR.

I can relate right now very well to your question....
And I know the answers you have been given, are very good ones. Knowing and doing are two different things however :-(
I do already have a lot of support in place - Al-Anon, SR, friends who can relate, and so on. I have also worked a lot in bereavement support so I know that one big issue here is the grieving, not just for the person you have lost but for your own "failure" also, because we cannot help but take on the (misplaced) guilt of a situation such as this.
I guess this is where therapy comes in, in addition.

Sending you ********** hugs }}}}}. I know how you are feeling.

I'm probably being a bit slow this morning but what have you given up on?

Well I took it that Hammer meant, given up on trying to help their alcoholic??...my own post was with that in mind.
Maybe I shouldn't assume!!
Just the frame of mind I am in right now ... hope Hammer can drop by and clarify :-)

I know how you feel Hammer. I have given up trying to help my mom with her issues, it's only been 3 weeks and I feel sad most days.

The ironic thing is, previously when we were on speaking terms I coulg go for months without speaking to her and never thought anything of it. I guess that suggests that it's a state of mind and the thought patterns that accompany it = sadness.

It has certainly helped me to keep very busy at weekends and do the things that I know will bring a smile to my face.

Big hugs to you

I guess that suggests that it's a state of mind and the thought patterns that accompany it = sadness.

...yes I think you are right.

It has certainly helped me to keep very busy at weekends and do the things that I know will bring a smile to my face.

...I am doing this already now. I have a pretty active social life now in place that I didn't have even a month or so ago. I guess I have kind of been subconsciously building this up, in fact...
And when I "bail out", this is going to really help me.

Depends on what we give up on and if we had much of a choice in the matter to begin with.

You have two options.

You can give up.

or

You can give over - to a Higher Power of your understanding.

I find that the second offers me rest, and hope, and then an open pathway for me to get on with MY life.

CLMI

<linguistic aside>

I had always thought that was where the phrase "give up" came from i.e. give a problem/situation towards heaven ^ or wherever your sky-gods happen to live. as opposed to giving in any other direction, and the use of "giving", which is quite gentle and considered and loving rather than, say, throwing or dropping.

does anyone actually know?

</linguistic aside>

I allowed myself to feel all my feelings. It took a little over a year to fully leave xabf behind and allow myself to be happy. LaTeeDa once told me the only way to get over it is to go through it. That helped a lot! It's a process, so be kind to yourself now : )

In my experience, several years. But, that didn't mean that "happy" doesn't come back. I was surprised how much of both I felt side by side, and I still do.

First, thanks everyone.

Really. Thank you(se) :)

Yeah, that was it.

I was thinking . . . here I am doing SR (not so much -- mostly reading, not writing -- so I will stop trying to jump on folks' throats when I do not think they are protecting their kids), also in another group for re-working my own PTSD type stuff, and in Al-Anon -- six weeks now, and started "real" therapy last week, and actually studying (yeah studying :) ) internet self-help mumbo jumbo like this -- How to Be a Great Husband - wikiHow

And I came home from class (teach evening at a college) the night before last and it looked like SSDD (same stuff, different day) with Mrs. Phil going on.

Usually I would go into Control and Mad and Over-Reaction mode . . . but with all of my (OCD level :) ) list above to weigh against that . . . all it left me with was sad.

We finally chatted about it late last night / early morning, and I was probably over-reacting . . . and looking at my list above . . . who would think I am the type to over-react? (smile)

But still.

Yes. Yes. Of course you are correct. But I always have to screw things up myself first. Dunno if that is pride on my part, or if it is to show me I could not really do it myself. Dunno.. But yes you are correct.

Well, I think that was pretty much exactly the type answer I was looking for (from the sad state of mind). I suppose with maybe a slightly higher level of precision to include exact number of days and hours -- so I get it all scheduled and planned and all. (smile)

Yeah, that feelings stuff . . . . tends to be a weak area for me. Sort seems like surfing in a sewer at times. Don't really want to leave or anything -- not even a little bit. I just want to have everything be "all better." I think you and LaTeeDa are correct about the process part and going thought it being the path. Trying to go around (around and around) it all does not seem to be working too well.

Again -- thanks everyone.

Thanks for clearing up my confusion hammer. You sound so sad- since I can't give you a RL one, have a cyber hug. :ghug3

You don't have to keep doing the same things over and over again. Nothing changes if nothing changes and it sounds like you're working really hard on yourself. You're making progress you know! Good for you for not going into 'Control and Mad and Over-Reaction mode'.

I can't help with the whole sad timetable thing. I was depressed (and on anti depressants) for years before STBXAH moved out - we were together 18 years. His leaving was such a huge relief. Its been over a year now and I'm still on anti depressants. Guess it will just take some more work and time for me! But the pills are working... :c031:

Hammer,
Never give up!
Live each day to the fullest and best you can. And write down the small things that brings a small sense of satisfaction and joy to your life. You will soon find you will seek more and more of this. Just one day at a time, one step at a time.
There is no time limit on being sad, each of us handles this in their own way, in their own time.
all I can tell you is to seek out what you are really looking for. Give yourself permission to grieve :praying
susan

i have been sad since i stopped drinking

but i am trying not to be sad

i miss having a laugh with my mates and have shared a joke or two on sr

i think when you stop drinking or what ever you DOC was there is a massive hole left where you used to socialise with friends

so you feel really lonely as you cant really mix with them as they are all drinking or docing

but other things can kick in

i walk my dogs and take the mountain bike out although its really a hill bike :c031::c031:

A hill bike. LOL.
I spent a month in the deepest darkest hole ever, but now over the past week I've been seeing some rays of sunshine through the clouds. My thinking is more balanced and healthy for part of the day, then I have a few hours of grief or codie thinking or both and then I manage to get on track again. I spend a little more time thinking about my own life and what I would like to do rather than obsessing about why he's the way he is and why he's doing what he's doing. Sometimes I have to have crazy conversations with myself to remind myself WHY I don't want to be with an addict who I allowed to make my life crazy. Sometimes I don't believe that I still need persuading, but it's so hard to stop loving someone all of a sudden, just because you know that you cannot fight the addiction.
I'm sure I'll be sad for a while, but I can see how I'll also be happy sometimes. This isn't an easy journey, but hopefully I'm learning good lessons.
All the best to you!