Feeling feelings
 

I'm still on my journey to get the heck out of my toxic marriage. I generally think I'm doing great and I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far.

What stumps me somedays, like say, last night, are the wild emotions that well up inside me. STBX texts his son (but not me), to tell us that he's going over to his friend's place for a drink after his evening class, and that he won't be coming home. I get what he's doing, intellectually. He's avoiding me. He's running away at his little friend's place. Emotionally though, I'm somewhat disturbed. I feel disappointed. I feel like he's bailing on his family again and it makes me mad. I feel bad for his son who never gets to see him. I feel lonely. And then I feel angry for feeling any of this. I guess I'm starting to equate "getting better" with not having any feelings. I've worked daily to detach from him, his actions, to not react in anger...to not react at all.

I'm wondering if it's alright to feel anything at this point. I've spent so much time in the past raging and crying, begging and threatening, and now it feels like I'd be "giving in" or "reacting" in a very codie way if I let myself feel anything. It's like walking on a tightrope...

I think you are confusing having feelings with reacting to them. Recovery doesn't mean you stop having feelings. Recovery means you stop reacting to them in self-destructive ways.

Don't beat yourself up over having feelings. Congratulate yourself for not reacting to them in ways that harm you. :)

L

Based on every falsehood he has told you, every story he has made up, he may not even be doing what he says he is doing.....who knows?

Please be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong to how we feel, just how we act/react.

Huge hugs, HG

Girl,

You are a strong lady to get the heck out. Thank goodness you know now!

Feel how you feel. Feelings are never right or wrong, they just are. It is how you choose to handle them (behavior) that is important.

Hugs

I have no wisdom for you but can relate. Know you're not alone.
is my story too. In that order sometimes.

One thing that I have learned is that when I get angry at his drinking its because I expected something different. When I don't expect anything different than what he does then not only do I NOT get angry, but I am pleasantly surprised when he does do something different.

Detaching is tricky isn't it? Keeping the focus on me seems to help. Pulling away and not acting, not letting my thoughts go down any path that leads to hysteria. Or as you so beautifully described it, raging and crying, begging and threatening,

Sometimes my emotions suprise me, sometimes they sucker punch me. But I've learned several tricks that help. You can't shut off emotions, not unless you want to commit yourself and be fed colorful pills in little paper cups all day while wearing your jammies.

When feelings arise, I call them by name several times slowly. Just acknowledging what they are somehow allows me to not be so affected by them. They're just emotions (cue BeeGee Music) and saying their name helps take away their power. Then I can observe the emotion, watch it rise and fall, and not react. It's very cool and really works. It makes me feel like an adult when I really need to not react like a little kid.

Like saying, "this is anger," several times. When you're mad. For me it's almost always about fear. Fear fuels my anger and sadness and shame.

I know it sounds nuts. It'some kind of Buddist thing. I learned this trick from a disembodied spirit being channelled through a deaf Quaker woman. True story!

I hope you're regularly getting out, taking walks, getting exercise and doing wonderful things for yourself!

It doesn't sound nuts at all. It's actually very helpful to recognize that the root of it is fear. I know I usually want to deny the fear. I don't want to be afraid, I'd rather be angry! LOL

I've heard it described as waves. Like letting the waves wash over you, even when they're really strong and you feel like you're being washed away. If you just manage to ride out the emotion, it will recede, just like the wave. And you will be on stable footing again--until the next wave roars in. :)

I love "Buddhist things." Much wisdom to be had there. :) You've reminded me of something that I will try to go find and bump up.....

L

The day will never come when I do not let myself feel angry at the behavior of dishonorable people. (If it ever does, you all have my permission to stick a fork in me and turn me over)

And yet I tried hard to 'stuff' my emotions. It helped me to ponder why I wanted to do so:

1) I didn't want to fly off the handle at him, because I knew it would do no good, and only make me look like a psycho.

2) I wanted to stay in denial about how bad things were, and so I kept myself from feeling my feelings (and six years later, I finally left him :rolleyes: )

3) I already knew that I was going to be leaving soon, and I wanted to avoid being cripped by anger because I needed that energy to pour into my future plans and life

Where you are in this grouping may help you decide what to do with your (righteous) anger. For example, my skills of detachment served me well in #1 and #3, but hurt me in #2. Feeling my feelings and acknowledging that wasn't how I wanted to live my life - THAT was what I should have done more of.

You're doing fine, lady. Feel what you feel, but do what's best for you & your kids. Sometimes, that's detachment.

Thank you for posting this and for the replies - this has been a very helpful thread for me!

I agree with gns. Very helpful. I had a very rough Thursday after a long talk with AH before work. Overwhelmed with feelings (that I had been denying) for him. Longing and wanting don't even begin to describe it.
I ALMOST (but didn't) reacted in a unhealthy way. I know there are many more of these feeling coming. Thanks for giving me some tools to deal with them. Have also been reading Codependant No More, very helpful.