I told him I was leaving him last night.
 

I told my boyfriend I was leaving him last night. While he hasnt been drinking as much as he did when we first started dating - his attitude and the way he treats me has become worse. Long story short - we broke up once last year after he became to mean to deal with. After 2 months we got back together. HE promised to try and be sober and go to counseling w/ me. He was sober 2 times this last year for about 2 months. Otherwise it was off and on. Counseling was great. We found out we are both depressed and got on meds - but other than that we learned how to communicate w each other and work things out while supporting the other person. We stopped going bc he started to work a ton of OT at work. Since then things have got worse - he lapsed on his 6 weeks of sobriety. He promised me 3-4 times he would stop - this has been in the last week. He has been mean, belittleing, inconsiderate, and just...awful since then. When he lapsed he told me he spent $80 at the bar - after checking the bank I found he spent $150 - so he lied AND that as money he owed me for making his car payment. I have cried myself to sleep more than once while he peacefully slept next to me. I had the flu this week and he was so uncaring - he had promised he would stay home w me and when that time came he refused to - said "Why would I stay home w you when you are sick?" Well why WOULDNT you? He has put me down and made me feel like I am less than what I am. I Dont know what to do - he apologizes and then the next day it starts all over again.

After talking to a close friend who knows about everything - I decided to break up with him. LAst night I was sick still and he didnt wanna be around me so he went and took a nap. I was tired of being alone so I said I was going to a friends house. I also told him I couldnt take this anymore and he needed to step up and take some action. He stared at me like I was a wall and went back to bed. When I got to my friends place I found out he went to the bar. He was so nasty to me when I was talking to him on the phone - mentioning that he ran into a friend of mine and she was ignoring him so I was probably talking sh*t to her about him. Things like that.

When he got home I broke the news. At first he was mad - he said "fine get out of my bed and get out of my shirt. I did and I didnt say anything and went to our guest room. After 20 minutes he came up and said he wasnt ready for our relationship to end. I said I was tired of waiting and that I had been begging him all week to step up and he hasnt. He begged me to talk to him the next morning and kissed me and said he loved me and even tucked me into bed in the spare room. I told him we could talk in the morning. Randomly about an hour later hear him curse and yell "Im moving in with my friend SO and SO tomorrow!" like in a defeated I hate you sort of way.

This morning he left and I sent him a text saying I would talk still if he wanted and if not that was ok too. He never replied. I stayed home sick again - not bc I am but bc Im too depressed to move. I dont even know if he is going to pay me the money that he owes me that I REALLY need to pay my bills. I lent it to him knowing he would pay me back this week but last night he made it obvious I was a last priority since I broke up w him.

I dont know what to do - I love him SO MUCH. But he has been so awful to me. If he leaves I dont know what Ill do. I was a good gf to him. I would have done anything for him. After all the times I lugged him into the house after I found him passed out drunk in the driveway...after sticking up for him when his family put him down...always being there for him. How can he be like this to me? Why?

Oh my goodness. I understand how you feel. My xabf left a month ago and it hurt so badly that I spent 3 weeks in the worst black hole of my life, sitting on the couch. Mine also owes me money, lots...
When I started making too many noises about not being happy and wanting him to take responsibility for himself, he just moved himself right out. And I went through all the same things you're going through, the "how could he possibly do this to me" questions and the "but he always said he loved me" stuff. Ouch.
You'll get a lot of support on here to keep you strong in your decision. You really shouldn't settle for a relationship where you are in this messed up dynamic and negotiating with an addict is a waste of time. You'll never get what you need. The only way through this, I think, is to start thinking about it all differently. Al-anon has been really helpful to me. Like a refuge in a war zone. And now I'm starting to retrain my thinking so that I never get into another situation like this again.

As for your last question, you probably know the answer. He can do this because he's an addict - read the "classic reading" sticky. And he can also do this because you've made yourself available to be treated like this. I'm really having to look at why I have thought that it was OK to be in relationship with someone who is not fully functional or available, for whatever reason. This is hard stuff to face, but the good thing is that it's really possible to avoid repeating this in the future.
Stay strong, and HUGS!

Because he's an alcoholic and what matters most to him is the booze, not you. I'm sorry it's painful to hear/read, but the fact of the matter is, your own words show that he has little regard for you. He treats you this way because so far, you have shown him that it's ok to do so, because you'll be there to pick him up when he falls down, lend him money when he needs it, etc etc.

I'm not sure if this is your first post here, but if it is, I think you'll find an awesome group of very supportive people. You can post thread after thread, and people will respond with love and support. There's also awesome literature in the Classic Reading sticky you might want to check out...

SR is honestly what has helped me realize that I am a raging enabling codependent, and that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is in fact a highly functioning alcoholic (AND a lying manipulating psychopath, but we won't go into that right now). Until I found this place, I was lost, severely unhappy and didn't think there was a way out.

I really hope others have more advice for you. All I can tell you is that you don't deserve this, that you didn't cause his drinking, can't change it and can't cure it. Only he can decide that.

Thank you - this is my first post. I just got off the phone with my counselor and he said if my bf even WANTS to try and make things work I have to tell him its outpatient rehab and AA or my answer will stay no. I know just how much he hurts me and the idea of being codependent on him is really scary and the last thing I want. Im trying to be strong but I feel so weak. Even though I broke up w him last night I feel like he still holds all the power.

Cucumber, be strong-- it really helped me to go to Al Anon to get some self confidence and power to take control back over my life and my actions. I recommend you try the same, and it's good you have a counselor for personal advice as well. SR is full of support and similar stories so if you begin to question whether you have done the right thing, just look around the forums. I also recommend hanging out with some good friends, and keeping yourself preoccupied with fun things, it helps a lot!

Babysteps! It took lots of strength to stand up to him, tell him you aren't happy and that you have a problem with his drinking. It took strength to reach out to a counsellor and seek professional help. It took strength to admit that you want something better for yourself. It took strength to come here searching for answers.

Yay you!

Keep posting!