Cant go to AlAnon. Have to be anonymous
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
And another thing. Not having to walk on eggs to void conflict is VERY liberating.
Now there are so many eggs that it doesnt matter how softly I walk some are gonna get cracked. So I just walk on thru.
I was at the store when some old broad came up to me and asked me how I could stay married to such a horrible person. First of all hes not horrible hes just stupid. Before I would have been defensive and tried to placate her. Now I know that it wouldnt matter what I said she still wouldnt like me. So I might as well get it out.
I asked her "Did I ask you to talk to me?". She said no. I said "Well then dont. Didnt your mother ever tell you if you cant say nothing nice dont say anything at all"
Sometimes I scare myself. I think Im starting to like being a snitty bitch. LOL.
I always envied people who were comfortable saying whatever they thought. Im not there yet. But if you push the right buttons......
Now there are so many eggs that it doesnt matter how softly I walk some are gonna get cracked. So I just walk on thru.
I was at the store when some old broad came up to me and asked me how I could stay married to such a horrible person. First of all hes not horrible hes just stupid. Before I would have been defensive and tried to placate her. Now I know that it wouldnt matter what I said she still wouldnt like me. So I might as well get it out.
I asked her "Did I ask you to talk to me?". She said no. I said "Well then dont. Didnt your mother ever tell you if you cant say nothing nice dont say anything at all"
Sometimes I scare myself. I think Im starting to like being a snitty bitch. LOL.
I always envied people who were comfortable saying whatever they thought. Im not there yet. But if you push the right buttons......
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
i don't get as angry with people anymore
I know they just have no idea how complicated this disease really is. They think its like dieting, and just requires willpower. Its actually a shame after all these years that there isn't more education about it. Why is such a big secret anyway? We all got a crash course on AIDS a few years back, heck I felt like a doctor.
I do sometimes try to help people see how little they know. Like you mentioned...
Yet thousands get several DWIs and never stop. I like to use that to open peoples minds. I usually say something like "it is impossible to know what and individual's 'bottom' is. "
I think we can all find common ground in having no idea how awful a disease must be to make someone learn to accept pissing or puking on themselves as a part of life.
I do sometimes try to help people see how little they know. Like you mentioned...
One of his drinkin buds got 2 DWIs. It sobered him up and he quit drinking totally.
I think we can all find common ground in having no idea how awful a disease must be to make someone learn to accept pissing or puking on themselves as a part of life.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((cecilia))))
your post was so heavy on my mind.
I see your working alot out by talking and
that is so healthy for you.
let me just remind you to go easy on yourself, we
all just do the best we can do in the place we are at.
"one day at a time" is a slogan that reminds us to live
in the today, the past is gone and tomorrow isnt here.
My own recovery is dependant upon this day only.
Alcoholism is a disease of denial, for many it will be a
process not just one moment of trueth.Your husband isnt
there yet.
Cecilia I pray for inner peace for you and let your HP lead
you each step of the way. I see your a strong person but
noone has to walk alone.
many hugs
liddy
your post was so heavy on my mind.
I see your working alot out by talking and
that is so healthy for you.
let me just remind you to go easy on yourself, we
all just do the best we can do in the place we are at.
"one day at a time" is a slogan that reminds us to live
in the today, the past is gone and tomorrow isnt here.
My own recovery is dependant upon this day only.
Alcoholism is a disease of denial, for many it will be a
process not just one moment of trueth.Your husband isnt
there yet.
Cecilia I pray for inner peace for you and let your HP lead
you each step of the way. I see your a strong person but
noone has to walk alone.
many hugs
liddy
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: US
Posts: 6
Cecelia,
I think that's great. People are so insensitive, and sometimes it's great to see them put in their place. As if you are not dealing with enought right now, you have to listen to the insensitive comments/questions of random people in the supermarket!!! For crying out loud. I read in one of your earlier posts that talk is cheap, well keep on talkin' because I have learned from you, and I look forward to reading your posts. You are in my prayers.
Spikerdoos:p
I think that's great. People are so insensitive, and sometimes it's great to see them put in their place. As if you are not dealing with enought right now, you have to listen to the insensitive comments/questions of random people in the supermarket!!! For crying out loud. I read in one of your earlier posts that talk is cheap, well keep on talkin' because I have learned from you, and I look forward to reading your posts. You are in my prayers.
Spikerdoos:p
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: TX
Posts: 45
I feel kinda guilty for being so whinny and feeling sorry for myself. Those poor women. Its heart breaking the things their husbands do to them. If mine had tried half of that stuff I would have cleaned his clock.
That would only make me more of a Co-Dependent by allowing my AH dictate my emotions.
Yes some have it worse that others, but we are all here for the same reason in one way or another. It's taken me 10 years to realize that Im not a victim of my AH's behaviour but a party too it...
With the help and wisdom of all these fine people and my HP. I am now headed in the right direction.
Take Care and God Bless
Cindy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Cat
Standing up for yourself is not being a Codie. Ive learned the hard way that you NEED to stand up for yourself. If you let people walk over you they get used to it. And whats worse YOU get used to it.
I think it would have been better for both of us if I had cleaned his clock a time or two. I realize now that I treated him like some mothers treat their kids when they throw tantrums. "Here. Anything you want. Just take it and shut up".
Standing up for yourself is not being a Codie. Ive learned the hard way that you NEED to stand up for yourself. If you let people walk over you they get used to it. And whats worse YOU get used to it.
I think it would have been better for both of us if I had cleaned his clock a time or two. I realize now that I treated him like some mothers treat their kids when they throw tantrums. "Here. Anything you want. Just take it and shut up".
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Spike
Like I said before I was kicked shoved and pushed. I didnt get here willingly. You might say I cheated cause I skipped a WHOLE bunch of steps that other people had to work thru the hard way. Although to tell the truth I do feel a lot more comfortable in my skin. What saddens me is that it took all this chaos for me to shed my old skin.
Whats happening to me/him can in no way compare to what happened to the other people. We're experiencing a temporary situation. They lost their loved ones forever.
Like I said before I was kicked shoved and pushed. I didnt get here willingly. You might say I cheated cause I skipped a WHOLE bunch of steps that other people had to work thru the hard way. Although to tell the truth I do feel a lot more comfortable in my skin. What saddens me is that it took all this chaos for me to shed my old skin.
Whats happening to me/him can in no way compare to what happened to the other people. We're experiencing a temporary situation. They lost their loved ones forever.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: TX
Posts: 45
Cecilia,
It was not my intent to come accross in a mean way. This is not my nature, exept when it comes to my AH, he brings out the worst in me.:devil2: This behaviour has gotten me nowhere! It's been nothing but a waste on energy.
My situation could easily become tragic, that's why I'm here...
Your post just happened to fit my train of thought.
Sorry you took it in a bad way, again that was not my intent. I was thinking out loud, wrong place at the right time?
Take Care
Cindy
It was not my intent to come accross in a mean way. This is not my nature, exept when it comes to my AH, he brings out the worst in me.:devil2: This behaviour has gotten me nowhere! It's been nothing but a waste on energy.
My situation could easily become tragic, that's why I'm here...
Your post just happened to fit my train of thought.
Sorry you took it in a bad way, again that was not my intent. I was thinking out loud, wrong place at the right time?
Take Care
Cindy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Cat
Never fear. I didnt take it in a bad way. I just thought I heard you say standing up for yourself was bad. Deja vu all over again. Ive learned that theres a big difference between standing up for yourself and knocking the other person down and standing on them.
Clean his clock was just a metaphor. I dont think hed let me do it anyway. Hes a lot bigger than me. I should be more clear. LOL. If I had it to do over I would stand my ground a lot sooner instead of waiting till I was pushed past my limit. Its a lot easier to be assertive when your not pushed into your crazy zone.
For example in the very beginning when he first said he was stopping with the buds for the third time I could have said no youve already been out twice. You need to give up your single lifestyle and act married. I understand you need time with your friends but we need to do some stuff together and there are things around here I need help with. After hed gotten in the habit and started closing the bars it was to late to change his behavior without a major fight because then he was used to having his way.
I wouldnt have been mean about it but I would have been firm. Marriage should be give and take. And we deserve to be recievers too.
I think a lot of us get in this mess because we're not assertive and we dont stand up for our rights. Most "normal" people wouldnt put up with half the stuff we do.
If I hear what you gals have been saying to each other about Alanon youre supposed to take care of yourself.
A Fairy Tale For Adults
Mom lets Homer get away with it, then she says no, then she lets him, especially if he throws a tantrum. Homer figures hes got a 50/50 chance of getting away with it, especially if he throws a fit.
Now everytime Mom tells him to do something he throws a fit on the off chance he might get away wth it. Pretty soon Mom just gives up and lets him do as he pleases cause she doesnt like to deal with the noise.
Who knows. Maybe if Mom had stuck to her guns in the first place and been consistant she'd have Homer under control. And maybe not.
Never fear. I didnt take it in a bad way. I just thought I heard you say standing up for yourself was bad. Deja vu all over again. Ive learned that theres a big difference between standing up for yourself and knocking the other person down and standing on them.
Clean his clock was just a metaphor. I dont think hed let me do it anyway. Hes a lot bigger than me. I should be more clear. LOL. If I had it to do over I would stand my ground a lot sooner instead of waiting till I was pushed past my limit. Its a lot easier to be assertive when your not pushed into your crazy zone.
For example in the very beginning when he first said he was stopping with the buds for the third time I could have said no youve already been out twice. You need to give up your single lifestyle and act married. I understand you need time with your friends but we need to do some stuff together and there are things around here I need help with. After hed gotten in the habit and started closing the bars it was to late to change his behavior without a major fight because then he was used to having his way.
I wouldnt have been mean about it but I would have been firm. Marriage should be give and take. And we deserve to be recievers too.
I think a lot of us get in this mess because we're not assertive and we dont stand up for our rights. Most "normal" people wouldnt put up with half the stuff we do.
If I hear what you gals have been saying to each other about Alanon youre supposed to take care of yourself.
A Fairy Tale For Adults
Mom lets Homer get away with it, then she says no, then she lets him, especially if he throws a tantrum. Homer figures hes got a 50/50 chance of getting away with it, especially if he throws a fit.
Now everytime Mom tells him to do something he throws a fit on the off chance he might get away wth it. Pretty soon Mom just gives up and lets him do as he pleases cause she doesnt like to deal with the noise.
Who knows. Maybe if Mom had stuck to her guns in the first place and been consistant she'd have Homer under control. And maybe not.
Last edited by Cecilia; 09-19-2003 at 09:08 AM.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: TX
Posts: 45
Detachment involves accepting reality--the facts. It requires faith--in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in the world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well despite of the conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. - "Codependent No More"
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: PACIFIC NORTHWEST
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HI CECILIA, READ YOUR POSTS........YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS; HANG IN THERE...........I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF PAIN THAT YOU MUST BE IN; SO STAY CLOSE TO YOUR HIGHER POWER.
ONE THING THO, I DON'T AGREE THAT YOU CAN NOT GO TO MEETINGS. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL YOUR STORY AT THE MEETING;' THAT YOU COULDN'T DO BUT YOU COULD STILL GO AND KEEP YOUR STORY OUT OF IT. FOR INSTANCE: IF THE MEETING IS ON SERENTITY U COULD SHARE YOUR EXPERIANCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE WITH OUT GOING THERE. (YOUR STORY) GRANTED U WOULD HAVE TO BE CAREFULL BUT YOU CAN DO IT. I AM NOT A PERSON WHO "PERSONALIZIES" MY MESSAGE AT MEETING WITH THE FACTS OF MY LIFE. IN FACT I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOING TO MEETING AND DUMPING MY &##&. THAT IS NOT WHAT MEETINGS ARE FOR. THEY ARE FOR SHARING OUR EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH, AND HOPE. SO HANG IN THE CECILIA; I WILL KEEP U IN MY PRAYERS.
ONE THING THO, I DON'T AGREE THAT YOU CAN NOT GO TO MEETINGS. YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL YOUR STORY AT THE MEETING;' THAT YOU COULDN'T DO BUT YOU COULD STILL GO AND KEEP YOUR STORY OUT OF IT. FOR INSTANCE: IF THE MEETING IS ON SERENTITY U COULD SHARE YOUR EXPERIANCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE WITH OUT GOING THERE. (YOUR STORY) GRANTED U WOULD HAVE TO BE CAREFULL BUT YOU CAN DO IT. I AM NOT A PERSON WHO "PERSONALIZIES" MY MESSAGE AT MEETING WITH THE FACTS OF MY LIFE. IN FACT I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOING TO MEETING AND DUMPING MY &##&. THAT IS NOT WHAT MEETINGS ARE FOR. THEY ARE FOR SHARING OUR EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH, AND HOPE. SO HANG IN THE CECILIA; I WILL KEEP U IN MY PRAYERS.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I dont know about being incognito.
We were on tv and in the local paper a lot. Everytime theres a new developement they show our pics and all the families tell their story again.
Ive had my 15 minutes of fame and then some. Wouldnt be so bad but they keep using some old fat hags picture and saying its me.
They already come up to me now so I dont think I could get away wth it. I dont know whats worse the ones who lecture you or the ones who act like they feel sorry for you so they can get gory details. Is it true he went on week long binges and then came home and broke all the furniture and beat you and the dog. You gotta laugh.
We were on tv and in the local paper a lot. Everytime theres a new developement they show our pics and all the families tell their story again.
Ive had my 15 minutes of fame and then some. Wouldnt be so bad but they keep using some old fat hags picture and saying its me.
They already come up to me now so I dont think I could get away wth it. I dont know whats worse the ones who lecture you or the ones who act like they feel sorry for you so they can get gory details. Is it true he went on week long binges and then came home and broke all the furniture and beat you and the dog. You gotta laugh.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
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Cec-
I am with you here...there is a huge liablity issue and even tho in Alanon eveything stays inside that room...people are human.
You are tied with hubby financially...that much is fact. That damn cannon has been launched and you cannot bring it back.
So you have to deal with what is...and in the aftermath make some changes.
Something I do in crisis is "do one thing"...the first thing. And after that do the next thing. If you think you need to separate fianancially from this day forward, do it. It won't help what happened but you can take care of your future.
By the way, you came on all angry, and in print is is hard enough to get to know someone. But your recent posts...you are a good lady. You have humor and strength. Not a bad combination!!
Hugs,
JT
I am with you here...there is a huge liablity issue and even tho in Alanon eveything stays inside that room...people are human.
You are tied with hubby financially...that much is fact. That damn cannon has been launched and you cannot bring it back.
So you have to deal with what is...and in the aftermath make some changes.
Something I do in crisis is "do one thing"...the first thing. And after that do the next thing. If you think you need to separate fianancially from this day forward, do it. It won't help what happened but you can take care of your future.
By the way, you came on all angry, and in print is is hard enough to get to know someone. But your recent posts...you are a good lady. You have humor and strength. Not a bad combination!!
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
When it all boils down I think my biggest hurdle is his family. Its hard to really be mad at the others cause I know its not personal.
But what REALLY sets me off. Is his family. Once I get going on them the rest is just more straws. I probably wouldnt even give some of the other stuff a second thought.
I know I do it to myself. I dont want to go over there. I make myself. I get pissed at me cause I dont want to go. I get depressed cause I know how they will be. The closer the time gets the more I feel like Im walking the plank.
Afterwards I feel like a weight has been lifted and Im my old obnoxious self till the next time. So you dont have to worry about listening to me crab until Thanksgiving. LOL.
Ive done everything that can be done from my end. Time to just sit back and ride it out. Hes already in jail and whatever happens on th lawsuits I have no controll over. My worrying wont change a thing one way or the other. So I dont.
But what REALLY sets me off. Is his family. Once I get going on them the rest is just more straws. I probably wouldnt even give some of the other stuff a second thought.
I know I do it to myself. I dont want to go over there. I make myself. I get pissed at me cause I dont want to go. I get depressed cause I know how they will be. The closer the time gets the more I feel like Im walking the plank.
Afterwards I feel like a weight has been lifted and Im my old obnoxious self till the next time. So you dont have to worry about listening to me crab until Thanksgiving. LOL.
Ive done everything that can be done from my end. Time to just sit back and ride it out. Hes already in jail and whatever happens on th lawsuits I have no controll over. My worrying wont change a thing one way or the other. So I dont.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
I have so much sympathy for you Cecilia. That doesn't help much though, does it? I also know that but for the grace of God most of us could be in your position.
I DO know a LOT about dealing with the press. It's time to set some boundaries (they're not just for our As, you know!) Who and WHY is anyone printing a picture (or a purported picture) of YOU? You didn't do a damn thing. Get on the phone and make a phone call to the editor or publisher of the newspaper that is stepping on your feet. Speak to either the editor or the publisher. I'd try honey because it usually works better than vinegar (and it's easier to get mad later if the honey doesn't work than the other way around). But point out to him that you have not been arrested, you did not have a fatal car accident, you were not a participant in the tragedy and that your life has been made increasingly miserable each time a picture of you appears in the paper. You should probably point out that the picture they are using doesn't even resemble you. Ask for cooperation. Be sweeter than sugar. You ARE a sympathetic figure here and they would be fools not to recognize that fact.
If they ARE fools and uncooperative, go one step further. Talk to your attorney about recourse you might have. And tell them exactly what you are doing.
Cecilia, you didn't do anything and they have made you guilty by association. Don't let them do that to you!
I DO know a LOT about dealing with the press. It's time to set some boundaries (they're not just for our As, you know!) Who and WHY is anyone printing a picture (or a purported picture) of YOU? You didn't do a damn thing. Get on the phone and make a phone call to the editor or publisher of the newspaper that is stepping on your feet. Speak to either the editor or the publisher. I'd try honey because it usually works better than vinegar (and it's easier to get mad later if the honey doesn't work than the other way around). But point out to him that you have not been arrested, you did not have a fatal car accident, you were not a participant in the tragedy and that your life has been made increasingly miserable each time a picture of you appears in the paper. You should probably point out that the picture they are using doesn't even resemble you. Ask for cooperation. Be sweeter than sugar. You ARE a sympathetic figure here and they would be fools not to recognize that fact.
If they ARE fools and uncooperative, go one step further. Talk to your attorney about recourse you might have. And tell them exactly what you are doing.
Cecilia, you didn't do anything and they have made you guilty by association. Don't let them do that to you!
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