Cant go to AlAnon. Have to be anonymous
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Hi Cecelia,
As much as I hate to say this, you are living my worst nightmare. The fear of my husband being harmed or killed or doing the same to someone else is my biggest fear when he drinks. I truly am sorry for all that you are dealing with.
As someone else above said, don't blame yourself. He's a grown man. He drank. He got behind the wheel. He caused the crash. He took the lives and caused the injuries. You didn't do a thing to cause any of this. Being codependant doesn't make you guilty of making someone drink, who would ultimately be drinking if you were in the picture or not.
Nothing you could have said or done could have prevented this, short of being with him at the time and not allowing him to drive. BUT, that would have only been one night you saved...the time most likely would have come anyway that he would have caused a crash.
I don't blame you for divorcing him if that's what you feel you need to do. You are actually at such an advantage right now, while he's in prison, to start taking control of your life and living it. I know with all you've said, it's not easy being in such a visable situation but every day, as time passes, you will make progress in rebuilding your life for YOU.
God Bless.
As much as I hate to say this, you are living my worst nightmare. The fear of my husband being harmed or killed or doing the same to someone else is my biggest fear when he drinks. I truly am sorry for all that you are dealing with.
As someone else above said, don't blame yourself. He's a grown man. He drank. He got behind the wheel. He caused the crash. He took the lives and caused the injuries. You didn't do a thing to cause any of this. Being codependant doesn't make you guilty of making someone drink, who would ultimately be drinking if you were in the picture or not.
Nothing you could have said or done could have prevented this, short of being with him at the time and not allowing him to drive. BUT, that would have only been one night you saved...the time most likely would have come anyway that he would have caused a crash.
I don't blame you for divorcing him if that's what you feel you need to do. You are actually at such an advantage right now, while he's in prison, to start taking control of your life and living it. I know with all you've said, it's not easy being in such a visable situation but every day, as time passes, you will make progress in rebuilding your life for YOU.
God Bless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
In trying not to be long winded I guess I wasnt clear. I dont take responsibility for his actions. But in retrospect there are other paths I wish I had taken. Facing some consequences might have given him a wakeup call. Also I have to wonder what my life would have been like if I had stood my ground more often. I think part of my problem was I didnt want to be like my Mom. She married 5 times each one worse than the last.
In fact right now part of my attitude is due to the fact that some people think I should apologize and want to lecture me. Im sorry for what happened but I didnt do it. I dont even drink. Truthfully I think being pissed off is what keeps me going. If everyone was nice to me I would probably collapse into a weepy mess. Probably one of the reasons why Im still married and living in my same house. Im not hiding and I dont like to be pushed.
I guess I really didnt consider him an alcoholic because he didnt do all the expected things like barf on himself and passout. He never drank alone. Only in social settings. But once he started he didnt know when to stop. He never stole the rent money. He never hit me. Although I wish he would have. Thats one thing I know would have pushed me into acting.
I just realized Ive been painting a really bleak picture and things arent that bad. Give me a couple days and Ill be out of this mood. I really am fortunate. I had a good job and was able to retire early. Yes I may have to sell the house and our antiques but I get to keep my half. The house is too big for me anyway and we have way too much stuff. It just a house, its not our family homestead. And with my half I can get another house and buy new stuff. If theres anything I truly want I can buy it back at the auction.
In fact right now part of my attitude is due to the fact that some people think I should apologize and want to lecture me. Im sorry for what happened but I didnt do it. I dont even drink. Truthfully I think being pissed off is what keeps me going. If everyone was nice to me I would probably collapse into a weepy mess. Probably one of the reasons why Im still married and living in my same house. Im not hiding and I dont like to be pushed.
I guess I really didnt consider him an alcoholic because he didnt do all the expected things like barf on himself and passout. He never drank alone. Only in social settings. But once he started he didnt know when to stop. He never stole the rent money. He never hit me. Although I wish he would have. Thats one thing I know would have pushed me into acting.
I just realized Ive been painting a really bleak picture and things arent that bad. Give me a couple days and Ill be out of this mood. I really am fortunate. I had a good job and was able to retire early. Yes I may have to sell the house and our antiques but I get to keep my half. The house is too big for me anyway and we have way too much stuff. It just a house, its not our family homestead. And with my half I can get another house and buy new stuff. If theres anything I truly want I can buy it back at the auction.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Cecelia,
You sound so much better and I am glad you shared your story and stayed with us. I now see you as an intelligent, strong and yes, codependent woman. That is not a criticism by the way....we are some of the best people.
You could be me....my husband Ward got a DUI involving an accident about a year ago. No one was injured. He is a good man...drinks daily and falls asleep early so I have become complacent about our lives. I am comfortable and have alot of time to myself.
My first post to you was because I am a big proponent of looking for my own part my misery and you were so angry at everyone. What you shared in your story was clear and well thought out and true. You did NOT do this...he did. But you are in the way of the fallout.
You have opened some eyes around here.
Hugs,
JT
You sound so much better and I am glad you shared your story and stayed with us. I now see you as an intelligent, strong and yes, codependent woman. That is not a criticism by the way....we are some of the best people.
You could be me....my husband Ward got a DUI involving an accident about a year ago. No one was injured. He is a good man...drinks daily and falls asleep early so I have become complacent about our lives. I am comfortable and have alot of time to myself.
My first post to you was because I am a big proponent of looking for my own part my misery and you were so angry at everyone. What you shared in your story was clear and well thought out and true. You did NOT do this...he did. But you are in the way of the fallout.
You have opened some eyes around here.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 14
Cecilia, I think I understand where you're coming from about taking different paths. Think I'm where you were back then. When my husband comes home from work slurring his words, I starte yelling and arguing with him about his drinking after work, asking why he does it etc. Most of the time I don't think he even hears or cares what I'm saying. The next day, he'd drunk again. I'm searching for answers on how to better deal with him. What would you say you would have done different?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Just Tired
Usually Im one of those Polyanna people that you hate. LOL. But lately by July/August I usually have a toxic overload and I either get mean or I have a crying jag. I guess I really havent talked much and I kinda dumped on you gals.
And sorry but Im still angry/disappointed and Ill probably stay that way. Not where I think about it all the time and stew and fret. More like Im a nice person and if you cant treat me right then stay away from me. One good thing that came from this whole mess is that Im more assertive. The bad thig is that now I have an atttude. LOL. That could be part of the problem with my inlaws. I havent been mean but Ive made it clear Im not taking any crap.
One thing I havent mastered is expressing anger constuctively. My inlaws are an example. I havent said much to them cause I know that once I get started I wont stop. Once I get to that point with someone im done with them.
Usually Im one of those Polyanna people that you hate. LOL. But lately by July/August I usually have a toxic overload and I either get mean or I have a crying jag. I guess I really havent talked much and I kinda dumped on you gals.
And sorry but Im still angry/disappointed and Ill probably stay that way. Not where I think about it all the time and stew and fret. More like Im a nice person and if you cant treat me right then stay away from me. One good thing that came from this whole mess is that Im more assertive. The bad thig is that now I have an atttude. LOL. That could be part of the problem with my inlaws. I havent been mean but Ive made it clear Im not taking any crap.
One thing I havent mastered is expressing anger constuctively. My inlaws are an example. I havent said much to them cause I know that once I get started I wont stop. Once I get to that point with someone im done with them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Sister
What I would have done differently?
Well I definely would have been less codependant. LOL.
I would have done less for others and tried to ask/accept more help. Its okay. You dont always have to be the strong one. People should like you for who you are not what you do for them. I think I did too much for others and didnt let them do anything for me. Now that I need help all of them have went into hiding. Could be Im misjudging them. Maybe theyre not able to help others but I didnt realize it cause I never asked.
I realize now that marriage sb 60/40. Sometimes youre 60% sometimes he is. Ours as more like 80/20. He had a life I was help.
I cant think of the right words. But I would have been more me.
I wouldnt have argued but I would have made it clear that I was important too and that not agreeing with his viewpoint wasnt a crime. I would have made it clear that if youre not here for me then Ill be here for myself. We will make plans together and if you stand me up Ill go alone.
I wont make excuses to others. I wouldnt slam him but I wouldnt lie either.
I truly wish I had had him picked up for DUI. Since nothing ever happened to him I dont think he thought he had a problem. In his case I think it would have jarred him. You see his dad was an alcoholic.
I realize now that you cant wait it out. If you do nothing , things dont get better they only get worse.
When you let someone else dictate how you live you dont have a life you have an existance. Other people dont make you unhappy. You have to let them.
Ive learned the hard way that when you try to control someone, you give them control over you.
Sounds like you dont have much of a life either. You argue I kept quiet. The results the same. They do as they please and we try to fit in.
Please dont make my mistake. If hes drinking that much its not a matter of if he hurts someone. Its a matter of when. if you intend to stay then at least get all the assets in your name.
What I would have done differently?
Well I definely would have been less codependant. LOL.
I would have done less for others and tried to ask/accept more help. Its okay. You dont always have to be the strong one. People should like you for who you are not what you do for them. I think I did too much for others and didnt let them do anything for me. Now that I need help all of them have went into hiding. Could be Im misjudging them. Maybe theyre not able to help others but I didnt realize it cause I never asked.
I realize now that marriage sb 60/40. Sometimes youre 60% sometimes he is. Ours as more like 80/20. He had a life I was help.
I cant think of the right words. But I would have been more me.
I wouldnt have argued but I would have made it clear that I was important too and that not agreeing with his viewpoint wasnt a crime. I would have made it clear that if youre not here for me then Ill be here for myself. We will make plans together and if you stand me up Ill go alone.
I wont make excuses to others. I wouldnt slam him but I wouldnt lie either.
I truly wish I had had him picked up for DUI. Since nothing ever happened to him I dont think he thought he had a problem. In his case I think it would have jarred him. You see his dad was an alcoholic.
I realize now that you cant wait it out. If you do nothing , things dont get better they only get worse.
When you let someone else dictate how you live you dont have a life you have an existance. Other people dont make you unhappy. You have to let them.
Ive learned the hard way that when you try to control someone, you give them control over you.
Sounds like you dont have much of a life either. You argue I kept quiet. The results the same. They do as they please and we try to fit in.
Please dont make my mistake. If hes drinking that much its not a matter of if he hurts someone. Its a matter of when. if you intend to stay then at least get all the assets in your name.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
my thoughts and prayers are with you...
Cecilia,
There are some similarities with our lives of living with an alcoholic husband. Mine, also, what I would call a "functioning" alcoholic. His drinking never interfered with his successful career, or the law and *we* managed to keep it a secret from our three children. We've been married for 20 years, and I was a star co-dependent. There have been many alcohol-related incidents over the years, including infidelities, verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation, selfish and controlling behavior. I was a devoted, faithful, "pollyanna" do-gooder. I began to attend Al-Anon early in our marriage, and did what I could do to detach and take care of me. I supported by husband as we went through the never-ending cycle of drinking, he messes up, he's remorseful, he's sober until he drinks again. His periods of sobriety lasted anywhere from two months to two years.
I developed a mask for all to see and lost my identity as a result. I lost me. My whole world was wrapped up in trying to make him happy. In my career, I was confident, independent, decisive and successful. In my marriage, I was passive, non-opinionated, and would do whatever he wanted.
Seven months ago, a couple of alcohol-related incidents occured that pushed me to the edge. One was a DUI, resulting from an accident where he actually fled the scene of the accident. No one was hurt, thank God, but they could have been killed, and he could have had our children in the car with him. I had boarded a plane for a business trip just two hours before. He was in charge of the kids.
That was my "bottom." I needed to make a drastic change in my life. We separated. That was the easy part, really. It was difficult and very hard on our children, but my work on my own recovery process, my own healing, has been much tougher. Now, seven months later, I'm re-connecting with me. My own identity. It has been a painful, but wonderful experience. And I can relate to your anger. For years, I had buried that pain and anger very deep. Now I'm working on forgiveness....not only my husband, but also learning to forgive myself.
As wives of alcoholics, we build up this tolerance to inapporpriate behavior. I realized how insane that was and how much pain resulted from that acceptance of his behaviors. I no longer allow him to convince me the sky is green.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Cecilia. IMHO, I believe there is a great deal of pain behind the anger that you say you feel. My heart goes out to you. You've found a safe and supportive place here to vent your frustrations, your anger and your pain. There are many great books out there that have helped me. One is a book called "A Return to Love....a reflection of A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson.
Take care of yourself,
S
There are some similarities with our lives of living with an alcoholic husband. Mine, also, what I would call a "functioning" alcoholic. His drinking never interfered with his successful career, or the law and *we* managed to keep it a secret from our three children. We've been married for 20 years, and I was a star co-dependent. There have been many alcohol-related incidents over the years, including infidelities, verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation, selfish and controlling behavior. I was a devoted, faithful, "pollyanna" do-gooder. I began to attend Al-Anon early in our marriage, and did what I could do to detach and take care of me. I supported by husband as we went through the never-ending cycle of drinking, he messes up, he's remorseful, he's sober until he drinks again. His periods of sobriety lasted anywhere from two months to two years.
I developed a mask for all to see and lost my identity as a result. I lost me. My whole world was wrapped up in trying to make him happy. In my career, I was confident, independent, decisive and successful. In my marriage, I was passive, non-opinionated, and would do whatever he wanted.
Seven months ago, a couple of alcohol-related incidents occured that pushed me to the edge. One was a DUI, resulting from an accident where he actually fled the scene of the accident. No one was hurt, thank God, but they could have been killed, and he could have had our children in the car with him. I had boarded a plane for a business trip just two hours before. He was in charge of the kids.
That was my "bottom." I needed to make a drastic change in my life. We separated. That was the easy part, really. It was difficult and very hard on our children, but my work on my own recovery process, my own healing, has been much tougher. Now, seven months later, I'm re-connecting with me. My own identity. It has been a painful, but wonderful experience. And I can relate to your anger. For years, I had buried that pain and anger very deep. Now I'm working on forgiveness....not only my husband, but also learning to forgive myself.
As wives of alcoholics, we build up this tolerance to inapporpriate behavior. I realized how insane that was and how much pain resulted from that acceptance of his behaviors. I no longer allow him to convince me the sky is green.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Cecilia. IMHO, I believe there is a great deal of pain behind the anger that you say you feel. My heart goes out to you. You've found a safe and supportive place here to vent your frustrations, your anger and your pain. There are many great books out there that have helped me. One is a book called "A Return to Love....a reflection of A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson.
Take care of yourself,
S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Sarah
Ive been reading thru back posts. As I read thru the posts Im amazed how many people who are just like me. You and I have a lot in common. We were married 32 yrs but we had no kids. His shift work gave him a lot of opportunities to indulge. It was easier to let him have his way than to argue and to tell the truth I enjoyed the quiet when he wasnt there. Youre right we do build up a tolerance. If they went right into their dance we probably wouldnt tolerate it. But it kinda sneaks up on ya. One day you look up and say how the hell did I get here.
Mine still hasnt admitted he has a problem. When he was drinking he used to boast about how much he could drink. He was the envy of all his beer fairy friends.
Your right about the pain. Ive been doing a lot of webbing and thinking. I think Im grieving. Denial depression anger .... Whats next? Part of my pain is caused by who I am. Ive always been there for everybody else and I guess Im disappointed that theyre not there for me in any way shape or form. Im not talking hand holding. Im talking total disapperance. If they see me on the street they try to hide. If Im feeling evil I yell their name real loud and go talk to them and pretend not to notice.
Mine only cheated on me the once. That I know of. I came this close then. Poor thing didnt know what hit him. He picked one of the two things that push my buttons. Hitting and cheating. Told him havent you ever heard of Aids. If you want to gamble with Big Bob and the twins thats your business but not with my Hoo Hoo. Didnt your mother ever tell you not to pick up stuff if you dont know where its been.
FYI. You gals might want to pass this on to your husbands. Those guys you buy all the drinks for and spend so much time with. Well theyre not your friends. Theyre aquaintences, fair weather drinking buds. If anything bad happens. Like if you kill someone. They will deny they even know you and scoot away so fast that they'll have scorch marks on their butts. Oh and once youre in jail they'll be glad to help your wife. Wink Wink.
Ive been reading thru back posts. As I read thru the posts Im amazed how many people who are just like me. You and I have a lot in common. We were married 32 yrs but we had no kids. His shift work gave him a lot of opportunities to indulge. It was easier to let him have his way than to argue and to tell the truth I enjoyed the quiet when he wasnt there. Youre right we do build up a tolerance. If they went right into their dance we probably wouldnt tolerate it. But it kinda sneaks up on ya. One day you look up and say how the hell did I get here.
Mine still hasnt admitted he has a problem. When he was drinking he used to boast about how much he could drink. He was the envy of all his beer fairy friends.
Your right about the pain. Ive been doing a lot of webbing and thinking. I think Im grieving. Denial depression anger .... Whats next? Part of my pain is caused by who I am. Ive always been there for everybody else and I guess Im disappointed that theyre not there for me in any way shape or form. Im not talking hand holding. Im talking total disapperance. If they see me on the street they try to hide. If Im feeling evil I yell their name real loud and go talk to them and pretend not to notice.
Mine only cheated on me the once. That I know of. I came this close then. Poor thing didnt know what hit him. He picked one of the two things that push my buttons. Hitting and cheating. Told him havent you ever heard of Aids. If you want to gamble with Big Bob and the twins thats your business but not with my Hoo Hoo. Didnt your mother ever tell you not to pick up stuff if you dont know where its been.
FYI. You gals might want to pass this on to your husbands. Those guys you buy all the drinks for and spend so much time with. Well theyre not your friends. Theyre aquaintences, fair weather drinking buds. If anything bad happens. Like if you kill someone. They will deny they even know you and scoot away so fast that they'll have scorch marks on their butts. Oh and once youre in jail they'll be glad to help your wife. Wink Wink.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Welcome, Cecilia
How heartbreaking it all is, for you and for everyone.
I'll add my two cents - it could have been me, many times in the past. Of course we should not have bought into these situations but we did. Done is done. What do we do now is the question. I have ordered some Al-Anon books, they should be here soon.
Good luck and I am thinking of you.
I'll add my two cents - it could have been me, many times in the past. Of course we should not have bought into these situations but we did. Done is done. What do we do now is the question. I have ordered some Al-Anon books, they should be here soon.
Good luck and I am thinking of you.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Cecelia,
Most of us are just like you and when the time comes that you can attend Alanon...if you want...you will find the same thing. There are lots of us out here. For every alcoholic and addict there are many many family members who are affected.
This is a good site and I hope you stick around.
Hugs,
JT
Most of us are just like you and when the time comes that you can attend Alanon...if you want...you will find the same thing. There are lots of us out here. For every alcoholic and addict there are many many family members who are affected.
This is a good site and I hope you stick around.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Cecelia,
I guess I didn't say it how I meant to say it.
You kept saying how you should have argued and you should have said something and so on. That's what I meant by not blaming yourself for his drinking or the fact that he didn't stop.
All of the yelling, fighting and anger I've ever had went to waste on my husband because it never changed a thing and it never will.
All it ever did was make me feel awful and powerless.
I know now that I am powerless over alcohol and I have learned not to waste my breath, lose sleep or worry anymore about his drinking because it surely isn't causing any changes.
You do sound very strong and focused on what you need and want for yourself.
All I can say is go for it!
I guess I didn't say it how I meant to say it.
You kept saying how you should have argued and you should have said something and so on. That's what I meant by not blaming yourself for his drinking or the fact that he didn't stop.
All of the yelling, fighting and anger I've ever had went to waste on my husband because it never changed a thing and it never will.
All it ever did was make me feel awful and powerless.
I know now that I am powerless over alcohol and I have learned not to waste my breath, lose sleep or worry anymore about his drinking because it surely isn't causing any changes.
You do sound very strong and focused on what you need and want for yourself.
All I can say is go for it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
LST
Your probably right. Nothing would have changed. I just cant help wondering what if I had stood my ground a litle more instead of wimping out. I know now that Im stronger than him. Yelling doesnt make you right.
When he didnt get his way he would yell and rant and I would back down cause I didnt like conflict. Also most the time what he was arguing about just wasnt that important to me. If it was important to me I would stand up for myself. As the years went on less and less things became important enough to argue about.
My husband didnt try to convince me the sky was green. He knew it was green and if I didnt know it then something was wrong with me and he would lecture me until I saw the error of my ways. Not only did I have to admit I was wrong but I had to apologize for being so stupid and pigheaded as to disagree. Believe me it was easier to agree upfront cause there was no peace until you did. This was normal not drunk behavior.
I kinda feel sorry for him now. In prison he has no control over anything. Not even what time he gets up. The guards have total control. Some of them are nice but there are some that abuse their power. But hes still tryng to make me mind. Thats it! I couldnt think of the words. Its like he thinks hes the parent and Im some willful child who wont mind.
You know its weird the more I type the more I see. When I reread some of it I think who the hell is this woman and why doesnt she get her *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#! together. LOL.
Your probably right. Nothing would have changed. I just cant help wondering what if I had stood my ground a litle more instead of wimping out. I know now that Im stronger than him. Yelling doesnt make you right.
When he didnt get his way he would yell and rant and I would back down cause I didnt like conflict. Also most the time what he was arguing about just wasnt that important to me. If it was important to me I would stand up for myself. As the years went on less and less things became important enough to argue about.
My husband didnt try to convince me the sky was green. He knew it was green and if I didnt know it then something was wrong with me and he would lecture me until I saw the error of my ways. Not only did I have to admit I was wrong but I had to apologize for being so stupid and pigheaded as to disagree. Believe me it was easier to agree upfront cause there was no peace until you did. This was normal not drunk behavior.
I kinda feel sorry for him now. In prison he has no control over anything. Not even what time he gets up. The guards have total control. Some of them are nice but there are some that abuse their power. But hes still tryng to make me mind. Thats it! I couldnt think of the words. Its like he thinks hes the parent and Im some willful child who wont mind.
You know its weird the more I type the more I see. When I reread some of it I think who the hell is this woman and why doesnt she get her *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#! together. LOL.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
wow Cecilia
I just read your recent posts and am so impressed. You have noted so many of the realities in your life that I had to learn over time in Al Anon. You've mentioned so many I can't possibly quote them all. You are surely on the right path. I hope you stay around to help others, because reading your posts surely helps us all.
I did want to share one thing with you. You said...
I would rephrase your last line to say this was "normal alcoholic behavior", whether they happened to be intoxicated at the moment or not. What I mean is most of our AH's exhibit this behavior as part of their overall personality. I've read it over and over again.
One of my key questions when I first came to al anon was which of his actions were because he is an alcoholic and which were because he is a jerk. :-)
Now I am learning that a lot of those personality traits are from the underlying issues that cause him to escape his anxiety via substance abuse. I am hoping that working on the things that cause his anxiety will slowly work away some of the controlling and manipulating tendencies he's developed as a result of his anxieties.
I did want to share one thing with you. You said...
He knew it was green and if I didnt know it then something was wrong with me and he would lecture me until I saw the error of my ways. Not only did I have to admit I was wrong but I had to apologize for being so stupid and pigheaded as to disagree. This was normal not drunk behavior.
One of my key questions when I first came to al anon was which of his actions were because he is an alcoholic and which were because he is a jerk. :-)
Now I am learning that a lot of those personality traits are from the underlying issues that cause him to escape his anxiety via substance abuse. I am hoping that working on the things that cause his anxiety will slowly work away some of the controlling and manipulating tendencies he's developed as a result of his anxieties.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Jessie
Dont go giving me any points just yet.
Dont forget I was kicked shoved and pushed into this. Who knows what it would have taken to push me over the edge if none of this had happened. And saying is one thing. Doing is a whole nother ball game. Even before I knew what to do I just could bring my self to take action and take the flack that would occur. It was easier to accept the status quo.
Being an introvert and a conflict avoider and with my family history I know that if he had been like some of the other husbands I read about I would have been long gone a long time ago. But he worked everyday yada yada..... And there were no screaming and yelling brouhas on the front lawn in front of the neighbors. Usually if I "behaved myself" things were pretty quiet. But its hard being a shadow of yourself.
I did go to a counselor after the accident but it was hard to talk about stuff. The atty says she could be called to testify. Who knew. Anyway she said I was passive agressive. I think that means I dont argue with you but I do as I please anyway.
Being a Polly gets you in trouble too. I can always seem to find somethng good. Which can make you get comfortable in a bad situation.
Like now. LOL.
I dont know if I could be much help to anybody else. Talk is cheap. Its a good thing Im not paying for all this therapy. LOL. You dont know how liberating it is to just say all this stuff. I guess one question I would ask is just what benifits are you geting out of this. And do they justify staying.
Dont go giving me any points just yet.
Dont forget I was kicked shoved and pushed into this. Who knows what it would have taken to push me over the edge if none of this had happened. And saying is one thing. Doing is a whole nother ball game. Even before I knew what to do I just could bring my self to take action and take the flack that would occur. It was easier to accept the status quo.
Being an introvert and a conflict avoider and with my family history I know that if he had been like some of the other husbands I read about I would have been long gone a long time ago. But he worked everyday yada yada..... And there were no screaming and yelling brouhas on the front lawn in front of the neighbors. Usually if I "behaved myself" things were pretty quiet. But its hard being a shadow of yourself.
I did go to a counselor after the accident but it was hard to talk about stuff. The atty says she could be called to testify. Who knew. Anyway she said I was passive agressive. I think that means I dont argue with you but I do as I please anyway.
Being a Polly gets you in trouble too. I can always seem to find somethng good. Which can make you get comfortable in a bad situation.
Like now. LOL.
I dont know if I could be much help to anybody else. Talk is cheap. Its a good thing Im not paying for all this therapy. LOL. You dont know how liberating it is to just say all this stuff. I guess one question I would ask is just what benifits are you geting out of this. And do they justify staying.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Jessie
I been reading some of the other posts. Now Im not so sure Im a full fledged Codie. Is there another word for people who will do anything to avoid conflcts and have trouble expressing anger constuctively. LOL.
I feel kinda guilty for being so whinny and feeling sorry for myself. Those poor women. Its heart breaking the things their husbands do to them. If mine had tried half of that stuff I would have cleaned his clock.
Im one of the calm quiet ones. For some reason not much bothers me. Mom says Im a Pollyanna. But when I do my head spins around backwards and everybody runs and hides cause its such a shock to them. I usually dont stay mad for long because I find it so funny. Sometimes I pretend to be upset cause I know I should be and I dont want people to take advantage of me. Does that make sense.
I know that the reason I stayed was because even though things were bad I was still in my "comfort zone". I wasnt happy but it wasnt bad enough to make me take action. And here I am. LOL.
I been reading some of the other posts. Now Im not so sure Im a full fledged Codie. Is there another word for people who will do anything to avoid conflcts and have trouble expressing anger constuctively. LOL.
I feel kinda guilty for being so whinny and feeling sorry for myself. Those poor women. Its heart breaking the things their husbands do to them. If mine had tried half of that stuff I would have cleaned his clock.
Im one of the calm quiet ones. For some reason not much bothers me. Mom says Im a Pollyanna. But when I do my head spins around backwards and everybody runs and hides cause its such a shock to them. I usually dont stay mad for long because I find it so funny. Sometimes I pretend to be upset cause I know I should be and I dont want people to take advantage of me. Does that make sense.
I know that the reason I stayed was because even though things were bad I was still in my "comfort zone". I wasnt happy but it wasnt bad enough to make me take action. And here I am. LOL.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Cecilia,
Some may not agree with me, but you are describing practically everyone who has an A in their lives. You or we could have stood up & said our piece, but it would have never made any difference more than likely. Now maybe, if you would have called the police & turned him in when he was drinking & driving, just maybe it would have changed things, but it probably wouldn't have mattered in the long run, because most people who get DWIs OR DUIs usually get out & go at it again. Even if you would have turned him in everytime that you knew, he would have possibly had this accident the one time he slipped by you. Never let anyone even hint that you had anything at all to do with it or that you could have in any way stopped it, because it's just not true & everyone is playing the guessing game. We learn in Al-Anon:
YOU DIDN"T CAUSE IT !!!!! YOU CAN'T CURE IT !!!!!! YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT !!!!!!!!
That is the complete truth. You, nor any of the rest of us, have any control over what another adult is determined to do in their lives. You are very much a victim of his reckless behavior. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this nightmare !!!! It could happen to any of us & we don't know from one day to the next, whether or not, we will be in your same shoes. My heart goes out to you & I pray that you will recover daily from the scars that have been inflicted upon you. All you are guilty of, is trying to be a good & faithful wife. You can hold your head high because you have done nothing wrong. Please, always remember that!!!!! ******{HUGS}}}}
Some may not agree with me, but you are describing practically everyone who has an A in their lives. You or we could have stood up & said our piece, but it would have never made any difference more than likely. Now maybe, if you would have called the police & turned him in when he was drinking & driving, just maybe it would have changed things, but it probably wouldn't have mattered in the long run, because most people who get DWIs OR DUIs usually get out & go at it again. Even if you would have turned him in everytime that you knew, he would have possibly had this accident the one time he slipped by you. Never let anyone even hint that you had anything at all to do with it or that you could have in any way stopped it, because it's just not true & everyone is playing the guessing game. We learn in Al-Anon:
YOU DIDN"T CAUSE IT !!!!! YOU CAN'T CURE IT !!!!!! YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT !!!!!!!!
That is the complete truth. You, nor any of the rest of us, have any control over what another adult is determined to do in their lives. You are very much a victim of his reckless behavior. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this nightmare !!!! It could happen to any of us & we don't know from one day to the next, whether or not, we will be in your same shoes. My heart goes out to you & I pray that you will recover daily from the scars that have been inflicted upon you. All you are guilty of, is trying to be a good & faithful wife. You can hold your head high because you have done nothing wrong. Please, always remember that!!!!! ******{HUGS}}}}
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Please dont worry about me taking the blame. Ive never owned any of the blame for anything he did. I guess Im just what iffing. You see I never really stood up and said my piece.
Dont mind me. Im just feeling sorry for myself cause I made myself a shadow of my real self to avoid conflict and basicly had no life except on the fringes of his. And after all that. Do I get the prize? No! And Im still living in his shadow. LOL.
But Im a Polly so Im okay. In some ways Im having a high old time. I get up when I feel like it and I go to bed when I want. I got the remote and I watch all the SciFi I want. Still cant lay on th sofa cause I hate to disturb the felines. OH well. I dont cook and I clean house when Im in the mood. And when I do cook I use paper plates.
I used to have trouble telling people off but so many were snitty to me that I got lots of practice and its becoming a lot easier now. I dont take ANY crap off him now. Whats the "benifit" to me. Avoiding conflict sure wont increase my comfort zone now. LOL. TRuthfully hes the one whos powerless now since all I have to do is refuse to accept his calls or hang up if I dont like the way hes talking to me. Now he tells me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me.... yada yada. I dont kid myself, Im not that wonderful. Hmmmm. Could it be cause Im the only one who visits and gives him stuff.
I still havent made up my mind what to do. I have plenty of time cause I really cant take any steps till the lawsuits are done. One more year and times up. Im not sure what will happen to us when he gets out if I stay. Ive grown a lot and now I have an attitude and I know how to use it. LOL. "You talkin to me."
As far as turning him in, Im just wondering out loud. One of his drinkin buds got 2 DWIs. It sobered him up and he quit drinking totally.
Dont mind me. Im just feeling sorry for myself cause I made myself a shadow of my real self to avoid conflict and basicly had no life except on the fringes of his. And after all that. Do I get the prize? No! And Im still living in his shadow. LOL.
But Im a Polly so Im okay. In some ways Im having a high old time. I get up when I feel like it and I go to bed when I want. I got the remote and I watch all the SciFi I want. Still cant lay on th sofa cause I hate to disturb the felines. OH well. I dont cook and I clean house when Im in the mood. And when I do cook I use paper plates.
I used to have trouble telling people off but so many were snitty to me that I got lots of practice and its becoming a lot easier now. I dont take ANY crap off him now. Whats the "benifit" to me. Avoiding conflict sure wont increase my comfort zone now. LOL. TRuthfully hes the one whos powerless now since all I have to do is refuse to accept his calls or hang up if I dont like the way hes talking to me. Now he tells me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me.... yada yada. I dont kid myself, Im not that wonderful. Hmmmm. Could it be cause Im the only one who visits and gives him stuff.
I still havent made up my mind what to do. I have plenty of time cause I really cant take any steps till the lawsuits are done. One more year and times up. Im not sure what will happen to us when he gets out if I stay. Ive grown a lot and now I have an attitude and I know how to use it. LOL. "You talkin to me."
As far as turning him in, Im just wondering out loud. One of his drinkin buds got 2 DWIs. It sobered him up and he quit drinking totally.
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