Heartbroken

Old 10-21-2009, 01:29 AM
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Heartbroken

I apologize for this being so long.

I was dating my girlfriend in college that i knew from highschool for about 8 months.

She had a reputation in highschool of being loose. Getting wasted/blacking out whenever she drank at parties and ending up making out or having sex with guys. A lot of people didn't like her due to this and I never really talked to her either.

I went to college after highschool and so did one of my friends who happened to be one of her best friends. So I started going out on weekends with her and eventually we got more involved with each other. In the back of my mind though I was always worried about her cheating on me if we ever started dating, however she promised me she wouldn't. One characteristic I came to realize about her while spending time with her was that she never lied. Sober, she was just like any other typical girl, and I loved her very much and I knew she loved me also.

On weekends though once she started drinking she wouldn't stop unless the source of alcohol was gone and I didn't do anything about it even though I should have looking back on it now. It really didn't cause any problems besides her having bad hangovers. But after one weekend of her getting way too drunk and acting completely ridiculous and causing huge arguments I asked her to not get that drunk again. And she was usually good about following it and probably only got too drunk maybe twice in the span of 4 months; and I never said anything to her during those two times but I didn't because it didn't happen often as it use to and she didn't get super ridiculous.

However one night during the summer, she went to a party with an old friend from highschool. I knew she was drunk because she sent me a text saying that she was so drunk and wanted me. She also kept calling my phone but I was driving so I wasnt able to pick up. By the time I called back she was no longer picking up her phone and I called a few times so I just gave up and went to sleep around 3 am. The next morning around 11 am I'm woken up by my phone and she calls me crying asking to talk to me. The worst feeling came over me and I basically knew what happened. She drove to my house and told me she woke up in the guys bed naked and started crying. She didn't remember any of it and was bawling and apologizing. I was just so upset and left her car and told her I didn't want to talk to her and it was over. She tried desperately to get in contact with me for the next few days and I finally talked to her. The convo was long but the important parts of her explanation were: she never wanted to have sex with him, she texted her bestfriend 'help', she thinks the guy tried to get her drunk because he bought a handle of liquor just for her, she slept there which she never does because her parents expect her back every night. I also knew the guy and he definitely shady. She even told her parents about it and went to the police because she taught she might have been drugged but by then it was too late to test for it.

But I was still too upset about it and we lost contact for a month. Until school came around again and I really missed her and was having second thoughts. So I talked to her again and she told me her problem was liquor because she never blacks out/too drunk from drinking beer. We agreed that she would no longer drink liquor. But I told her I needed time till we get back together and I'll admit part of it was due to that I was embarrassed by her because I let some of my friends know what had happened and they said it was typical of someone like her and were glad I cut her off. We had 2 big fights about why I wouldn't take her back right away but eventually settled on that by the end of the year I would take her back.

Last weekend, I made a stupid mistake. My friends had bought liquor (we drank only beer since school started 2 months ago.) I told her it was ok tonight because I was in a good mood and she had also been good about not getting drunk, even on beer. Also because we were taking shots and thats something you can measure out (she always had mixed drinks). She declined and drank beer instead.

But we headed out to a friend's house which had JungleJuice (it was strong). I was drunk by then and did not say anything about her having a cup of it. I look back on it and have no clue why I didn't. I ended up throwing up so a roommate picked us up along with 3 of my friends. I could tell she was pretty drunk, but I wasnt sure. I got dropped off at home and one of my friends went back with me, however, she stayed with my 2 friends and went to another party. She came back after an hour with my friends and we just went to sleep.

My friend tells me the next day he saw her talking to some guy and they were both close to each other. Then I asked her later if she had anything to tell me about last night and she said that she had made out with some guy. Her reasoning for not telling me was because he initiated it which made me even more mad for having such a stupid excuse (I knew it was actually she didnt want to lose me). She told me she didnt even remember dropping me off and she blacked out part of the night and wasn't sure if they had kissed and had to ask one of my friends. Then she told me she remembered talking to him about me and saying that I wouldnt be her boyfriend; then the guy said he wont be your boyfriend? and then went for a kiss. She explained that was something she would never do sober.

I let her go and didn't buy her excuse of alcoholism. The thing is she doesnt drink often, it's just when she does she keeps going. She told me her dad and brother were/are alcoholics, and that I shouldnt give up on her. I found out late in our relationship she originally wanted to be a virgin but a boyfriend had taken it one night when she was really drunk, and she never really got over it. I had given her a 2nd chance already and felt so betrayed. I told her I thought she was a ***** when she's drunk and that it was over. We havent talked since then.
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Old 10-21-2009, 04:50 AM
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I'm sorry you are heartbroken over what could have been with your friend.

We understand.

We have been in relationships with partners that have given their love to alcohol first. Friends, family and career come in last place with alcoholism.

I think you both are playing with fire. You have been looking at her actions through a magnifying glass and judging her behaviors. IMHO, you need to pick up a mirror, instead, and look at your behaviors. Drinking until the point of puking is not healthy nor is it 'normal' drinking.

I have learned this about my partners alcoholism:

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it

About my own alcoholism, I learned to take my life back. I learned that alcohol is not my friend. I want to experience the rest of my life sober.

Please stick around and check out all of our website.
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Old 10-21-2009, 04:56 AM
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Sounds like you need to focus on you. You did not cause it....you can not cure it...and you sure can't control it. She may have to suffer the consequences of her drinking....sometimes by taking them back we give them permission in a way to keep treating us poorly.....unless and until SHE sees she may have a problem that is the only way She will recognize it and MAYBE do something about it. But name calling will only serve her to hate herself more and yet another excuse to drink on the weekends.
You should concentrate on you. What makes you happy? What are your goals? What brings you peace? It appears in your post that you spend a great deal of time focusing on her and her words of regret but honestly actions speak louder than words.
There appears a lot of trust has been torn to pieces in this relationship. I have been in your situation and sometimes all the king's horses couldn't put it back together again unfortunately (or fortunately). I actually practiced the No Contact Rule and it really helped me to eventually focus on myself and stop minimizing the damage it had done to me and over time the pain of the break up went away...Trust one thing....you will love again. But one thing I do know...I had to learn that yelling, screaming, barganing, rescuing, only proved to be detrimental to my self esteem and self worth. I always "try" to maintain my dignity and respect of self and others when handling emotional issues now. I try not to be a reactive person and sometimes I may have to say I'll think about what you said and get back to you if I think I am not going to be able to relate to that person in a good way.
One of the best books I ever read is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie if you read any outside your studies it is worth it....amazing book that helped me and I attend Al anon and that has been amazing also. I am still learning but the journey has been so worth it because I am worth it.

Hope you are doing okay....stay strong and really think about you now.

Maggie
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Old 10-21-2009, 05:27 AM
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I actually consider myself less of a binge drinker than the majority who attend this college. I also have an extremely weak stomach and throw up before I even consider myself drunk. And I don't remember the last time I even threw up. Also I HATE the taste of alcohol.

But I am trying to move on my best and I'm doing better than I thought. I realize none of it is my fault, and unfortunately I let myself be affected by her bad habits. She has admitted she has an alcohol problem and saw a substance abuse counselor after the first incident, although only once. I should have been more strict though after the first time; looking back on it I should have asked her to not drink at all, which wouldve prevented any problems from happening. But what's done is done.

I do regret calling her a ***** and our last talk was not pretty as I made sure sure she knew I was deeply mad at her. We had a great thing going and she just tossed it away. I do wish her the best though. Maybe down the road I can be friends with her after I lose all my feelings for her. Not good friends of course.
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Old 10-22-2009, 06:53 AM
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I talked to her recently when I had to return her stuff and get mine. She has quit drinking for good. Makes me feel a little bit better and that everything wasnt all a waste. I just wish she had done it earlier.
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