Alcoholic Mindset/Behaviors
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Alcoholic Mindset/Behaviors
Hi everyone...I am wondering if I can get some insight into the mind of an alcoholic. Not just the alcohol, but all of the other behaviors that go along with it, not necessarily when drinking. I hope that makes sense.
I am a problem drinker myself, not alcohol dependent, but I believe my husband is an alcoholic and I am wondering about the beliefs and mindset that underlie the alcoholism. What chronic behaviors have you observed?
Again, hope it's clear what I'm asking. Thanks in advance. I also posted this in the Alcoholism section.
Amanda
I am a problem drinker myself, not alcohol dependent, but I believe my husband is an alcoholic and I am wondering about the beliefs and mindset that underlie the alcoholism. What chronic behaviors have you observed?
Again, hope it's clear what I'm asking. Thanks in advance. I also posted this in the Alcoholism section.
Amanda
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
A great book to read is Under the Influence by Milgram & Ketchum, or Drinking, A Love Story by Carolyn Knapp.
The most obvious behavior I can see in all the alcoholics in my life is : Denial.
Denial of the problem, denial of reality, minimizing the consequences, blame-shifting all manner of stuff on other people...
peace-
b
The most obvious behavior I can see in all the alcoholics in my life is : Denial.
Denial of the problem, denial of reality, minimizing the consequences, blame-shifting all manner of stuff on other people...
peace-
b
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
I will jump in with some of my thoughts, and hope some more experienced forum members will chime in also.
I have heard it's impossible to know why, and a waste of time to try to figure out why other people act the way they do. Especially if there is no logic that can be discovered.
In my experience, there is no logic to be discovered other than "I want this" and "Don't tell me I can't have it". I find this to be the logic of an alcoholic, and I find this to be the logic of a codependent partner.
Some signs of denial I have heard from an alcoholic:
-I'm not hurting anyone but me
-I'm not an alcoholic because I have a job / house / no DUI (fill in whatever level of functioning has not been compromised by the disease thus far)
-I'm not an alcoholic because I can stop whenever I want to
-I don't want to stop because it isn't a problem
-I wouldn't need to drink if xxx, yyy, zzz in my life were different
-I wouldn't drink so much if you were xx, yy, zz and my life were better
-I drink because you make me
-I drink because I had a hard day and I deserve it
-Why don't you go deal with your xx, yy, zzz problem(s) and quit nagging me?
Behaviors? I guess denial and deflection are common. In both directions. Please forgive me answering more than you specifically asked. I say this because I find myself making more progress when I look at why I do what I do, because I've never figured out why he does what he does.
-I'm not hurting anyone by not getting help for me
-I don't need help, I don't have a problem
-This problem hasn't cost us his income / our house / he doesn't hit me / he hasn't cheated on me twice (fill in whatever level of functioning has not been compromised by the disease thus far)
-I think he means it, he can stop whenever he wants to
-I can quit seeing him, taking his phone calls whenever I want to
-I need him in my life because I can't imagine life without him
-Why don't you go deal with your xx, yy, zzz problem(s) and quit nagging me?
That being said, please tell me if know why. I've been trying to figure this out too.
I have heard it's impossible to know why, and a waste of time to try to figure out why other people act the way they do. Especially if there is no logic that can be discovered.
In my experience, there is no logic to be discovered other than "I want this" and "Don't tell me I can't have it". I find this to be the logic of an alcoholic, and I find this to be the logic of a codependent partner.
Some signs of denial I have heard from an alcoholic:
-I'm not hurting anyone but me
-I'm not an alcoholic because I have a job / house / no DUI (fill in whatever level of functioning has not been compromised by the disease thus far)
-I'm not an alcoholic because I can stop whenever I want to
-I don't want to stop because it isn't a problem
-I wouldn't need to drink if xxx, yyy, zzz in my life were different
-I wouldn't drink so much if you were xx, yy, zz and my life were better
-I drink because you make me
-I drink because I had a hard day and I deserve it
-Why don't you go deal with your xx, yy, zzz problem(s) and quit nagging me?
Behaviors? I guess denial and deflection are common. In both directions. Please forgive me answering more than you specifically asked. I say this because I find myself making more progress when I look at why I do what I do, because I've never figured out why he does what he does.
-I'm not hurting anyone by not getting help for me
-I don't need help, I don't have a problem
-This problem hasn't cost us his income / our house / he doesn't hit me / he hasn't cheated on me twice (fill in whatever level of functioning has not been compromised by the disease thus far)
-I think he means it, he can stop whenever he wants to
-I can quit seeing him, taking his phone calls whenever I want to
-I need him in my life because I can't imagine life without him
-Why don't you go deal with your xx, yy, zzz problem(s) and quit nagging me?
That being said, please tell me if know why. I've been trying to figure this out too.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
There's a lot of information about this in the classic reading thread in the stickies. Everything you would ever want to know. lol.
There's also a thread called "what I don't miss", below somewhere. That's always an eye opener. Very helpful to me when I start romanticizing my relationship.
There's also a thread called "what I don't miss", below somewhere. That's always an eye opener. Very helpful to me when I start romanticizing my relationship.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
I also like Caroline Knapp's book (I quote it often on SR). Also, you might like: Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic: Professional Views and Personal Insights By: Sarah Allen Benton
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
May I suggest with such heartfelt caring that it might be in your best interest to look in your mirror because I really wonder if him being an alcoholic should be more important that you not seeming to be asking questions for yourself as you write that you are a problem drinker....
Alcohol dependent, not sure what that means in terms of your head...But would love for you to share if you are comfortable doing so.
Alcohol dependent, not sure what that means in terms of your head...But would love for you to share if you are comfortable doing so.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Hi everyone...I am wondering if I can get some insight into the mind of an alcoholic.
I am a problem drinker myself, not alcohol dependent
I am a problem drinker myself, not alcohol dependent
AA Big Book - Chapter 3
AA Big Book - Chapter 2
AA Big Book - Chapter 8
In the forward to "Codependent No More" it says "If you are reading this for yourself, chances are you are a codependent, if you are reading this for someone else you are certainly a codependent"
The 2 books I would suggest to you are The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and Codependent No more
The definition of alcoholic has nothing to do with how often someone drinks, but what happens when they do drink, I have known many people that drink prodigious amounts daily that weren't alcoholics, and I have known people who only drink a few times a year that are.
The definition of an alcoholic is someone who loses control of their drinking after they put alcohol in their system, it needn't happen every time. If, someone is unable to quit for a year, or if once someone starts drinking they can't always control the amount they drink, they are an alcoholic, being a daily drinker is by no means an indication of actual alcoholism, although it can be one of the symptoms.
Many alcoholics actually choose partners who drink more then they do so they are more comfortable with their own drinking, so they can point at the other person and say to themselves "I'm not so bad, look at how much they drink!!!"
I applaud your intention to study alcoholism and encourage you to learn everything you can about it
20 Questions of Alcoholics Anonymous
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
May I suggest with such heartfelt caring that it might be in your best interest to look in your mirror because I really wonder if him being an alcoholic should be more important that you not seeming to be asking questions for yourself as you write that you are a problem drinker....
Alcohol dependent, not sure what that means in terms of your head...But would love for you to share if you are comfortable doing so.
Alcohol dependent, not sure what that means in terms of your head...But would love for you to share if you are comfortable doing so.
I acknowledge my problem, and my family history of alcoholism. I originally came to this board to get help for myself, and I am looking at myself and my behaviors, believe me.
What has happened recently is that my husband had an affair, and I caught him. Long story short, 5 years ago he got blackout drunk and "flirted" with our 13-year old neighbor. I confronted him, he threatened suicide, ended up in the hospital, promised to quit drinking, be a better husband/father/everything. Slowly the drinking has crept back to be an every day thing, at least four 8% alcohol beers every day, more on the weekends. This year has been the worst, and this year is the year he had the affair.
Once again I hear him making the same promises. Even using the exact words he used five years ago. I don't blame the alcohol for the cheating, but it had to have made it easier for him to deal with his guilt and anxiety over it.
I find myself wondering if this is part of the alcoholic mind. I'm not sure what exactly I mean, but I guess I'm looking for the "bigger picture" with regards to his detachment from the family and subsequent affair. He has justified his drinking in that 1. he doesn't get "drunk" anymore, 2. he still goes to work and takes care of the kids and the house, etc. However, my resentment about his continued drinking after that incident in 2005 had been building and building over the years. Yes, I drink too. I have used it as a way to relieve stress and relax, as well as loosen up in social situations. My main concern right now is tring to figure out what went wrong and see if we ca save our marriage. We are still together, for now. Not sure if that will last, though.
Thanks for your reply.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
With all you wrote I am still stuck in the why are you looking at him and for answers to make him make sense…
This far down the line and way out of that insanity I found I know nothing if it isn’t mine, I can’t understand or make sense of because again it isn’t mine….and really I had enough of my own problems for me that I need to focus on for a chance at a good life…I wonder don’t you…
Look this is his normal in addiction, this is the path he is taking and I bet in time well if he got into some sort of recovery that it would make sense to him, the thinking, the controlled drinking the choices he made….
Hell I did something similar but then only because the questions were starting, so I just took more pills and kept the drinking to just a few…I don‘t do blackout anymore, it makes no sense to me cause you miss the best part but that doesn‘t mean I don‘t have some issues just cause I can stop at a few beers and I can really dismiss the pill use, always and I do this consciously….it was for as much the buzz, off clean slate not a head running as just the fact that even one beer would allow me to not feel so suffocated.
I watched my husband do the same thing that makes sense for him with heroin. He got to where he could never use opiates ever again and didn’t but that didn‘t mean he couldn‘t use some coke, some crack until he got nope that doesn‘t work, but a few beers, nope had to discount that, shopping, lottery tickets anything for a quick fix…he had to learn in his right, not anyone else‘s. And when he ran it dry then his path toward freedom started….he was learning through every action that many around but me wanted to set as bad …no this was perfection to me and it actually was one thing that made total sense.
And maybe it could be asked is it ok with you. His behavior, is it acceptable to you, that he is like he is in his thinking and justification, and is that affair ok with you and flirting with a 13 year old, is that ok with you…Can you live with it, because if you want to it has to become done and over….Can you forgive, accept, and let go…And would it all be done right in this moment in a healthy state of mind, or would your issues with alcohol….
Oh wait could your issues with alcohol be harming you, could that be part of the problem here, part of the confusion you seem stuck in, part of the need to ask questions to understand him…what about you?
If you are looking in your own mirror then you aren’t seeing anyone else’s reflection, behaviors, lies, twisted thinking….
See I have issues at times with this all and that is looking at me. I know there were things I did that were probably not what I would have done if I didn’t use, and yet that isn’t entirely true I don’t think.
I tend to see the capacity being there but lacking the impulsivity of not being high….and from there well who knows what another would choose to do anyway….I have a hard time rationalizing high as the excuse for…
Remove the addiction…I tend to do it this way, there are some really good cool people in this world at the core and there are some evil ***** as well…and in the end some happen to be addicts.
And honestly if you want to save anything you need to save you first, then go from there because if you are stuck in confusion with a head on run, and questions and question that are stealing your time and can’t make sense of anything and can’t make a decision then you need to really look at you and only you and find the answers….
I wish you the best, take care of you!
This far down the line and way out of that insanity I found I know nothing if it isn’t mine, I can’t understand or make sense of because again it isn’t mine….and really I had enough of my own problems for me that I need to focus on for a chance at a good life…I wonder don’t you…
Look this is his normal in addiction, this is the path he is taking and I bet in time well if he got into some sort of recovery that it would make sense to him, the thinking, the controlled drinking the choices he made….
Hell I did something similar but then only because the questions were starting, so I just took more pills and kept the drinking to just a few…I don‘t do blackout anymore, it makes no sense to me cause you miss the best part but that doesn‘t mean I don‘t have some issues just cause I can stop at a few beers and I can really dismiss the pill use, always and I do this consciously….it was for as much the buzz, off clean slate not a head running as just the fact that even one beer would allow me to not feel so suffocated.
I watched my husband do the same thing that makes sense for him with heroin. He got to where he could never use opiates ever again and didn’t but that didn‘t mean he couldn‘t use some coke, some crack until he got nope that doesn‘t work, but a few beers, nope had to discount that, shopping, lottery tickets anything for a quick fix…he had to learn in his right, not anyone else‘s. And when he ran it dry then his path toward freedom started….he was learning through every action that many around but me wanted to set as bad …no this was perfection to me and it actually was one thing that made total sense.
And maybe it could be asked is it ok with you. His behavior, is it acceptable to you, that he is like he is in his thinking and justification, and is that affair ok with you and flirting with a 13 year old, is that ok with you…Can you live with it, because if you want to it has to become done and over….Can you forgive, accept, and let go…And would it all be done right in this moment in a healthy state of mind, or would your issues with alcohol….
Oh wait could your issues with alcohol be harming you, could that be part of the problem here, part of the confusion you seem stuck in, part of the need to ask questions to understand him…what about you?
If you are looking in your own mirror then you aren’t seeing anyone else’s reflection, behaviors, lies, twisted thinking….
See I have issues at times with this all and that is looking at me. I know there were things I did that were probably not what I would have done if I didn’t use, and yet that isn’t entirely true I don’t think.
I tend to see the capacity being there but lacking the impulsivity of not being high….and from there well who knows what another would choose to do anyway….I have a hard time rationalizing high as the excuse for…
Remove the addiction…I tend to do it this way, there are some really good cool people in this world at the core and there are some evil ***** as well…and in the end some happen to be addicts.
And honestly if you want to save anything you need to save you first, then go from there because if you are stuck in confusion with a head on run, and questions and question that are stealing your time and can’t make sense of anything and can’t make a decision then you need to really look at you and only you and find the answers….
I wish you the best, take care of you!
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