heartbroke1008

My husband left a couple months back while he was using meth and it took over his life. He asked for my help to get him in recovery. The first week and half while he was home everything was great. It was like a dream. Then he started getting extremely moody. It was nothing for me to spend my time in my room reading because I was afraid I would do something wrong. Then one weekend while I went out of town he left and went back to drinking. When he came home he told me he wanted a divorce that he had never loved me and never will and that he had never been attracted to me. Now he has a girlfriend in less than 3 weeks which he is living with. He informed me it was my fault that he did drugs because he was so unhappy with me. I lived in denial for 12 years. Only when he left the first time did I realize he was an alcoholic. Now the pain hurts so bad. Rejection is never easy to handle but this makes me feel like my whole life has been a lie. I am in counseling and have filed for divorce. This will be the first weekend he gets the children. Does anyone have any advice on how to make this less painful until time does its mending?

Rose56

((((((((((Heartbroke))))))))))
Welcome to the forum! I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Please remember that when he is using your husband is not sane. It seems that he may be bouncing off the walls a bit. His actions are not those of a sane person.

So think about you. Your life is not a lie. No matter what he says in the throws of accelerated addiction.

Advice for easing the pain? What works for me is both allowing myslef to have a crying spell, and distracting myself with activity. I need some of both to get by the worse pain. Then talking to people who know and care hepls too. That is where this board comes in and also can I suggest face to face Alanon meetings. Come here as often as you need to vent, share the pain, and to get help. These folks care deeply and they know where you are coming from.

I am still living with an active alcoholic, so I know the kind of pain you are talking about. I also know about being unsure of myself and feeling depressed. Take care, some folks will be along soon to welcome you.

journeygal

((((Heartbroke))))

I am so sorry you're going through this. But there's one thing you need to realize - your husband drinks b/c he chooses to. He may blame you and try to make you feel responsible, but you aren't. It's not your fault. You aren't the cause of his problems nor his unhappiness.

But I know you're hurting. It will take some time but you will get past this. Rose's suggestion of attending al-anon meetings is a good one. Stay busy, get together with friends, and do things that make you feel good.

Take care and keep coming back - we're always here for you.

Hugs,
JG

heartbroke1008

Thank you for responding. I know in time I will be okay. I just keep thinking about how happy we seemed before he started using the Meth. Now I am left to fiqure out what and who I am. I never tried to control his drinking. He said so many horrible things. I just keep hearing them over and over. My head tells me this is a blessing and it will get better. My heart is telling me this is the end of something that meant the world to me and that I wasn't good enough for him. I know I will be okay in the end. I will actually be better. Right now his consequences are catching up with him. He got fired from a good job, moved back to our old home town, has a job working for minimum wage and just got his car repossed. He asked me to handle talking to the bank and I told him I could not because I was no longer his wife. I do not look forward to seeing him tomorrow. I know my heart will feel like crap after I do.

Ann

Heartbroke

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I also agree that going to meetings will help you regain your balance and see more clearly that his bad behaviour has nothing to do with you.
You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

But you can do nice things for yourself to help heal and move forward. If you feel overwhelmed right now, just plan little things and do them. Go to a meeting, meet a friend for lunch, read a good book, just anything that will take your mid somewhere better for a while.

There is a thread on a powerpost at the top of nar-Anon or Al-Anon (I forget which), called "How to Have Fun When You Really Don't Feel Like It". Pick something from the list and do it and I promise that it will help at least a little.

Hugs and prayers
Ann

Gabe

about what you are going through. I have four words for you: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. This man is sick and he will blame anyone but himself for his illness. That's all part of the disease. My son and I had a hard time when my ex-A walked out on us. It does take time to heal from being rejected. Be gentle with yourself. Dream about a happier better life, it's out there for you. And do as many good and wonderful things for yourself as you can. Ann's suggestion about the "How to have fun when you don't really feel like it" thread was great. I didn't think I was going to make it when ex-A took a hike. I didn't give myself enough credit. One day at a time, I did make it. And my son and I have a happy and peaceful life now. You will too, I promise.
Peace,
Gabe

myles1

Hi,

Nothing is your fault like he'd really like it to be because he doesn't want to take responsibilty for himself. He's out of control and out of his mind so don't internalize ANYTHING he says and DON'T go to the bank for him.

Try to get to some alaon meetings.

Ngaire

JT

Heartbroke,

I too am sorry for what you have been through. My concern is with the kids. Is he a responsible parent? Are they at risk when they are with him?

These are hard questions that you have to answer honestly and act if you need to. There is supervised visitation and other things available to protect your children.

Hugs,
JT

heartbroke1008

He saw them this weekend. He is living with his girlfriend and her two kids. He talked bad about me the whole weekend and told the kids as soon as he gets his divorce from me he will get married to her and move into a big house where they can live with him. My son is very confused. He wants to go live with his dad now. This is the most attention they have ever seen from him. So far he seems to be drinking when he doesn't have them. He has stopped smoking and is being very attentive to them. I have a good lawyer he should be able to help work out the details with the kids welfare.

BlueJay

Dear Heartbroke,
I'm so sorry you're going through this: You're so insightful about YOUR "denial" and pain; I think you're a wonderful woman.
Does it help at all to know that your Ex's "TRUE LOVE" is NOT younger or prettier, they're HIS ADDICTIONS and the insanity they bring is mindboggling AND NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. The "girlfriend" is willing to put up with him/maybe she uses with him, too. They can HAVE eachother AND THEIR dope, too. I applaud you for holding firm your sane home for yourself and your children. Please remember: that wasn't a better life for you.
You've shown great courage and strength in your actions so far. I'll keep you in my Prayers and try and "borrow" some of your
strength; I hope you won't mind this. I let another post from yesterday get me so upset I barely slept: a different woman thinking ONLY of herself, it seemed, not her children. You've shown incredible courage and truly deserve some wonderful TREATS~Please DO find something FUN for yourself to do and enjoy.
You're an inspiration, Heartbroke. I doubt I'm the only one who thinks you're pretty wonderful RIGHT NOW. Please treat yourself WELL: You really deserve it! Here for you (and THANK YOU)! BlueJay~How long do you think SHE'LL foot his bills, in this BIG HOUSE he's going to move into? More Pipe Dreams...