Thank you. Long, but grateful.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you. Long, but grateful.
After a late night begging/blaming and sicko session with my AH that I"m separated from, I spent the day weeping, sorting through the rubble and trying to sift out truth from fiction.
Here's that link where I act, literally, like a 9 year old and am in such a state of abandonment and fear that tonight my face is raw and eyes are swollen from crying.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...k-husband.html
My AH had many things to say to me about why he can't live with me--all of which are true: I'm unorganized, things fall to the wayside when I get upset, I hate the winters here and find reasons to be depressed, I am unreliable, bla bla bla. At the time it cut me to the core, but now see it differently.
It's taken 12 hours but I've gathered my troops, allowed the folks who love me to do so long enough to feel like I deserve to be happy. Long enough to remember I"m not a piece of crap incapable of changing like he says I am.
Well, as long as I don't hang out with him, I can change and grow.
Tonight as i cleaned my kitchen and started figuring out how to get all my work done, I realized of course, that I WILL fix my life, clean my house, make more money and become healthier and happier. And then he of course will want to be a part of that. It's as predictable as his rant against me last night and my crumpling to the floor like rag doll.
This man, my husband, turns his back on me when I need kindness. Again and again. He could be kind to me, he could say, look I know you have these issue but we can work through them together. Instead, he says he can't take it, I won't work on it and I can't be compassionate to you.
Okay. Acceptance is my friend.
I know the pattern, I know soon he will want to spend time with me, have his cake and eat it too. He'll be lonely, attracted to me, or whatever.
Part of healing is not blaming him and losing resentment towards him. I just have to be careful to not denial cloak itself in that robe of happiness I earn. He's not growing, no matter how clean his house is. He's still not addressing his alcoholism and the only thing that can happen is it will get worse, not better.
I haven't texted or called him. My friend whose wife just left him called me today while I was crying and said I could call him instead. He's one of the few people who are not sick of hearing about this IRL. Also, I have the phone number of one phenominal friend here, just knowing it's in my phone makes me feel better.
My pattern with my AH is the dance of alcoholism/codependance. Look at this quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Soulse
Yep. That's me.
Good night everyone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for not getting sick of hearing the same stuff from me
Thank you for sharing your stories and strength and hope
Thank you for loving me until I can love myself.
Here's that link where I act, literally, like a 9 year old and am in such a state of abandonment and fear that tonight my face is raw and eyes are swollen from crying.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...k-husband.html
My AH had many things to say to me about why he can't live with me--all of which are true: I'm unorganized, things fall to the wayside when I get upset, I hate the winters here and find reasons to be depressed, I am unreliable, bla bla bla. At the time it cut me to the core, but now see it differently.
It's taken 12 hours but I've gathered my troops, allowed the folks who love me to do so long enough to feel like I deserve to be happy. Long enough to remember I"m not a piece of crap incapable of changing like he says I am.
Well, as long as I don't hang out with him, I can change and grow.
Tonight as i cleaned my kitchen and started figuring out how to get all my work done, I realized of course, that I WILL fix my life, clean my house, make more money and become healthier and happier. And then he of course will want to be a part of that. It's as predictable as his rant against me last night and my crumpling to the floor like rag doll.
This man, my husband, turns his back on me when I need kindness. Again and again. He could be kind to me, he could say, look I know you have these issue but we can work through them together. Instead, he says he can't take it, I won't work on it and I can't be compassionate to you.
Okay. Acceptance is my friend.
I know the pattern, I know soon he will want to spend time with me, have his cake and eat it too. He'll be lonely, attracted to me, or whatever.
Part of healing is not blaming him and losing resentment towards him. I just have to be careful to not denial cloak itself in that robe of happiness I earn. He's not growing, no matter how clean his house is. He's still not addressing his alcoholism and the only thing that can happen is it will get worse, not better.
I haven't texted or called him. My friend whose wife just left him called me today while I was crying and said I could call him instead. He's one of the few people who are not sick of hearing about this IRL. Also, I have the phone number of one phenominal friend here, just knowing it's in my phone makes me feel better.
My pattern with my AH is the dance of alcoholism/codependance. Look at this quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Soulse
"In order to stop giving our power away, to stop reacting out of our inner children, to stop setting ourselves up to be victims, so that we can start learning to trust and Love ourselves, we need to begin to practice discernment. Discernment is having the eyes to see, and the ears to hear - and the ability to feel the emotional energy that is Truth.
We cannot become clear on what we are seeing or hearing if we are reacting to emotional wounds that we have not been willing/able to feel and subconscious attitudes that we have not been willing/able to look at. We cannot learn to trust ourselves as long as we are still setting ourselves up to be victimized by untrustworthy people."
We cannot become clear on what we are seeing or hearing if we are reacting to emotional wounds that we have not been willing/able to feel and subconscious attitudes that we have not been willing/able to look at. We cannot learn to trust ourselves as long as we are still setting ourselves up to be victimized by untrustworthy people."
Good night everyone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for not getting sick of hearing the same stuff from me
Thank you for sharing your stories and strength and hope
Thank you for loving me until I can love myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
I just wanted to thank you for your post!!! I think I might just have had a lightbulb moment thanks to you!
My AH turns his back on me when I need him the most, but I'm no better! We BOTH need to work on acceptance!!!
Thank you for your powerful post and the strength that you show! Keep on going down the path you're on!
My AH turns his back on me when I need him the most, but I'm no better! We BOTH need to work on acceptance!!!
Thank you for your powerful post and the strength that you show! Keep on going down the path you're on!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
It really hurts when we struggle. So often, though, if I can do just what you've done and use that pain to help me think things through, I 'll end up seeing more clearly what path I need to take.
I am sorry that you are going through so much but I am delighted to watch your ongoing transformation! You are facing your struggle with much courage and self-examination, and when you do this it is not possible to do anything but continue to blossom.
I am grateful that you continue to share so honestly and deeply. Just as it helps you to share, it helps me to read. Thanks Transform.
I am sorry that you are going through so much but I am delighted to watch your ongoing transformation! You are facing your struggle with much courage and self-examination, and when you do this it is not possible to do anything but continue to blossom.
I am grateful that you continue to share so honestly and deeply. Just as it helps you to share, it helps me to read. Thanks Transform.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
As difficult as it is-struggle is part of growth and change. While you feel you are at the bottom, you are also finding what you are/who you are and there is beauty. Your ability to see things for what they are is NOT codie-esque, but rather reality. It hurts, it sucks-but it's your reality and it is up to you to live the life you deserve. Keep posting-keep writing-we will never abandon you.
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