I just don't understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
I just don't understand
I am new here and do not understand alcoholism. My story is long and I don't know where to begin. I have read and read and read on alcoholism and the effects it has on the alcoholic as well as the family, and still I don't understand. I don't understand why it is so difficult to notice how it destroys life and how it affects family and friends. I don't understand why it is put above all the good things in this life....while the family suffers. I just don't understand.
Is there ever a wake up call?
Will it ever end?
What's it take to 'turn the light on'?
How bad does it have to get before it is realized?
Why is it so hard to fix this?
Why do I continue to deal with it?
Why can't it be 'talked' about?
Do they ever realize they have a problem?
I hate not having the answers to these questions.
I hate not being able to play some part in getting this resolved.
I hate that I can't fix what he thinks isn't broken.
I hate that I continue to live this way because I don't know what else to do. I hate that I defend him to my family.
I hate that my children will grow up seeing what this does.
I hate to think that they in turn will think it is 'ok'.
I hate that I feel I should stay to 'help' him although I know only he can help himself.
I hate that I am weak.
I hate the unknown.
I hate fearing for his health.
I hate the path that I continue to follow.
I am sorry for this strange rant, but I have been through a lot and others here will be able to offer advice and allow me to vent because there is understanding here. There is compassion here that only family members and friends of alcoholics can understand.
Is there ever a wake up call?
Will it ever end?
What's it take to 'turn the light on'?
How bad does it have to get before it is realized?
Why is it so hard to fix this?
Why do I continue to deal with it?
Why can't it be 'talked' about?
Do they ever realize they have a problem?
I hate not having the answers to these questions.
I hate not being able to play some part in getting this resolved.
I hate that I can't fix what he thinks isn't broken.
I hate that I continue to live this way because I don't know what else to do. I hate that I defend him to my family.
I hate that my children will grow up seeing what this does.
I hate to think that they in turn will think it is 'ok'.
I hate that I feel I should stay to 'help' him although I know only he can help himself.
I hate that I am weak.
I hate the unknown.
I hate fearing for his health.
I hate the path that I continue to follow.
I am sorry for this strange rant, but I have been through a lot and others here will be able to offer advice and allow me to vent because there is understanding here. There is compassion here that only family members and friends of alcoholics can understand.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You do have lots of questions. You have come to the right place for some answers.
Alcoholism is progressive. Problems with alcohol are subtle at first, then it progresses into alcoholism and addiction to alcohol. The rate of progression is different for everyone. Since it doesn't happen overnight, it is often ignored and overlooked at first. Then it becomes harder to overlook.
Here is a link from our Alcoholism section. It contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". This will describe to you how the body becomes completely addicted to alcohol. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Now, what about you? What are you doing to help yourself now that you have realized your loved one is addicted to alcohol? Have you gone to therapy or tried Alanon meetings yet?
You do have lots of questions. You have come to the right place for some answers.
Alcoholism is progressive. Problems with alcohol are subtle at first, then it progresses into alcoholism and addiction to alcohol. The rate of progression is different for everyone. Since it doesn't happen overnight, it is often ignored and overlooked at first. Then it becomes harder to overlook.
Here is a link from our Alcoholism section. It contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". This will describe to you how the body becomes completely addicted to alcohol. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Now, what about you? What are you doing to help yourself now that you have realized your loved one is addicted to alcohol? Have you gone to therapy or tried Alanon meetings yet?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
I don't have answers to your questions and we share many of them. I DO know that we deserve to be treated better than we are being treated--even if it's how we treat ourselves. We deserve to "untwist" from the pretzel we've turned into in an effort to keep the peace or to make him "happy." We deserve some peace, and so do our children.
I am still recovering from the damage done over 28 years. It was very slow, subtle, until I didn't recognize myself anymore. He is divorcing me because he is "empty inside and if he can get away from me, he will be happy." Twisted thinking, everyone sees it but him.
You can only take care of you and your children. It may not be in your nature to look out for yourself (and kids) first, it wasn't in mine. But it's absolutely necessary to do it now. You can't fix him, but you have to take care of yourself and your children.
We can do this. We deserve better. We will get help from our HP and friends and we will recover.
I am still recovering from the damage done over 28 years. It was very slow, subtle, until I didn't recognize myself anymore. He is divorcing me because he is "empty inside and if he can get away from me, he will be happy." Twisted thinking, everyone sees it but him.
You can only take care of you and your children. It may not be in your nature to look out for yourself (and kids) first, it wasn't in mine. But it's absolutely necessary to do it now. You can't fix him, but you have to take care of yourself and your children.
We can do this. We deserve better. We will get help from our HP and friends and we will recover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
Pelican-
Thanks for the link to the information contained in the book. I am going on a hunt tomorrow to find it.
As for me....well, no I haven't seeked counseling or gone to Al-Anon. Why? I'm not really sure, maybe it's because I can't afford the counseling and the last thing I want to do is leave my children with him at night when I would be able to attend the meeting. Besides that, I know he would think I was insane to attend Al-Anon meetings when he 'doesn't have a problem'. There is no one else available to watch them.
Thanks for the link to the information contained in the book. I am going on a hunt tomorrow to find it.
As for me....well, no I haven't seeked counseling or gone to Al-Anon. Why? I'm not really sure, maybe it's because I can't afford the counseling and the last thing I want to do is leave my children with him at night when I would be able to attend the meeting. Besides that, I know he would think I was insane to attend Al-Anon meetings when he 'doesn't have a problem'. There is no one else available to watch them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Welcome here. It isn't his problems or worries or questions that are important here, it is yours. Most of us here can very easily relate to your Ah's mantra of, "I don't have any problem with drinking", because we have heard it so often we could scream.
I call it the mantra of absolute denial, and whenever I hear it spout forth I think of the old saying, "the lady does protest too much". It is as if saying it, and repeating it to us is a spell to make the reality and truth go away, and it never does.
If you feel that his drinking behavior is a problem for you, then IT IS A PROBLEM, and if you feel the need to get help with those feelings, then it is your right to do so.
If you decide to seek counselling, or on going to Alanon, then you are doing so for YOU, not him. You may say that he is happy as he is, and that is fine, but you have some things you need to sort so you are getting help with them. End of story.
It would be lovely if he understood and said to go with his blessing, but I figure that he will feel this will threaten his up to now comfortable drinking and he would rather see you miserable than be miserable himself.
I enabled my late XAH, and for 19 years enabled my ABF until I had enough. Watching those men turn into manic, stumbling fools, and me into a depressed zombie, was just so painful, the memories still make me cry.
My XAH drank himself into a nursing home, and a living death for 4 years til the real one took him. My ABF decided to seek recovery and has remained sober.
The catalyst for both was me walking away, and having no contact for a while, but the reason I walked was for my sanity and recovery, not for theirs.
I know that I am a calmer and happier person now, am not worrying if "he will get on it" when ABF goes out alone as I have done before, and this has had an effect on ABF who is way better than he has ever been during sober times in the past.
I am grateful and look on that asa bonus that was unexpected.
I also know that at any time, he could take that drink and go on another long binge, but I don't pre-stress over it, mainly because I accept the possibility of it happening and also because I am determined that if that happens I will not be involved anymore.
We know what the paths are like that different A's follow, but no-one can know which path each one takes til he takes it.
Questions are and have been asked by every one of us here, til we finally learn that some of those questions do not have answers, sometimes only more questions.
No wonder it sends us into depression, anxiety and almost insanity, til we learn that we need to take care of ourselves, because the A is unable to care for anybody.
Hope you do get to Alanon and counselling.
God bless
I call it the mantra of absolute denial, and whenever I hear it spout forth I think of the old saying, "the lady does protest too much". It is as if saying it, and repeating it to us is a spell to make the reality and truth go away, and it never does.
If you feel that his drinking behavior is a problem for you, then IT IS A PROBLEM, and if you feel the need to get help with those feelings, then it is your right to do so.
If you decide to seek counselling, or on going to Alanon, then you are doing so for YOU, not him. You may say that he is happy as he is, and that is fine, but you have some things you need to sort so you are getting help with them. End of story.
It would be lovely if he understood and said to go with his blessing, but I figure that he will feel this will threaten his up to now comfortable drinking and he would rather see you miserable than be miserable himself.
I enabled my late XAH, and for 19 years enabled my ABF until I had enough. Watching those men turn into manic, stumbling fools, and me into a depressed zombie, was just so painful, the memories still make me cry.
My XAH drank himself into a nursing home, and a living death for 4 years til the real one took him. My ABF decided to seek recovery and has remained sober.
The catalyst for both was me walking away, and having no contact for a while, but the reason I walked was for my sanity and recovery, not for theirs.
I know that I am a calmer and happier person now, am not worrying if "he will get on it" when ABF goes out alone as I have done before, and this has had an effect on ABF who is way better than he has ever been during sober times in the past.
I am grateful and look on that asa bonus that was unexpected.
I also know that at any time, he could take that drink and go on another long binge, but I don't pre-stress over it, mainly because I accept the possibility of it happening and also because I am determined that if that happens I will not be involved anymore.
We know what the paths are like that different A's follow, but no-one can know which path each one takes til he takes it.
Questions are and have been asked by every one of us here, til we finally learn that some of those questions do not have answers, sometimes only more questions.
No wonder it sends us into depression, anxiety and almost insanity, til we learn that we need to take care of ourselves, because the A is unable to care for anybody.
Hope you do get to Alanon and counselling.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Is there ever a wake up call?
for who you or him?
Will it ever end?
of course but again will what end for whom….Because it can and will end for you exactly when you allow it to
What's it take to 'turn the light on'?
he will be done when he is done, and you won’t have anything to do with that. Although you can help him stay sick so I don’t recommend helping at all. He is a grown man and can take care of himself and can learn by living, well if allowed. But then maybe more importantly has the light turned on for you yet, hell would you even see it if it did?
How bad does it have to get before it is realized?
before who realizes, if it is bad for you, then find out why, he can figure out his spectrum of bad all on his own
Why is it so hard to fix this?
because you can’t fix him, only yourself…and if and when you start doing that a lot of these questions will be a mute point
Why do I continue to deal with it?
because you are not done playing the game yet, because this fixes something in you, fills a void in you and gives your life a purpose…and I could write forever all the different reason why one will not deal with, but in the end maybe you need to look deep inside and find why you won’t deal
Why can't it be 'talked' about?
who said it couldn’t be talked about???? Although I do get the question, and the silence is driven by shame, guilt, denial, fear….but you can talk about this as much as you need to, and keeping addiction secret is just what the addiction is hoping for. It thrives in the secrecy, in all the emotional havoc that we freely allow to run, and don’t have too…
Do they ever realize they have a problem?
one of my favorite questions. Of course then know there is a problem, really now. But then denial is such a wonderful thing and each side uses it with such precision based only on who they are. Hell even watching I would bet at times your head an convince you everything is ok…
I hate not having the answers to these questions.
sadly there are really no answers because you are not asking the right questions. Everything is gauged through his actions, his eyes, his heart…what about you, what can you do to end this for you…
I hate not being able to play some part in getting this resolved.
why? You can’t fix him, but you sure can fix you and trust me then it all looks so different, just so very different when we work on us
I hate that I can't fix what he thinks isn't broken.
know that he is capable when it is time to see what is broken of himself and fix that all on his own, does he really need you to fix him, and honestly isn’t it more worth your time to fix you….I have so been here and honestly I was just as screwed up as my husband was and here I was all worried about him….but then how easy it is to pick the sickest one in any room and use them to not deal with where we might be broken and with sick thinking and insane obsessions in our own right.
I hate that I continue to live this way because I don't know what else to do. I hate that I defend him to my family.
then find another way
I hate that my children will grow up seeing what this does.
again then find another way, and there are so many even a whole bunch with happy endings…
I hate to think that they in turn will think it is 'ok'.
sadly a lot of the dysfunction that goes on around children will effect them. In instances where a mother is abused her sons can in turn grow up to think this is how women are treated while daughters can go out and pick men that treat them just as there mother would. The best chance for any of our children comes with the time we are willing to put into ourselves as mothers and heal ourselves and it is never to late….from there then we intact change and doors open to conversations and help for them if they need it. One of the best gifts I have given my children was to heal my past and find balance and honestly flip their world upside down. I planted now different more healthy seed for them to hopefully take into their adults lives and flourish
I hate that I feel I should stay to 'help' him although I know only he can help himself.
I hate that I am weak.
I hate the unknown.
I hate fearing for his health.
I hate the path that I continue to follow.
these last ones…it isn’t about staying or leaving and trust me just leaving doesn’t fix the problem. Read around there are many not there and they are still asking a lot of these questions and frankly are just as obsessed with if not worse off than they were right in the middle of it. You hold all the answers you need within you and if you do the work all will become very clear even the answers to these questions. You will know why and hows of every reaction you had all along.
So now I have a question what can you do for you?
for who you or him?
Will it ever end?
of course but again will what end for whom….Because it can and will end for you exactly when you allow it to
What's it take to 'turn the light on'?
he will be done when he is done, and you won’t have anything to do with that. Although you can help him stay sick so I don’t recommend helping at all. He is a grown man and can take care of himself and can learn by living, well if allowed. But then maybe more importantly has the light turned on for you yet, hell would you even see it if it did?
How bad does it have to get before it is realized?
before who realizes, if it is bad for you, then find out why, he can figure out his spectrum of bad all on his own
Why is it so hard to fix this?
because you can’t fix him, only yourself…and if and when you start doing that a lot of these questions will be a mute point
Why do I continue to deal with it?
because you are not done playing the game yet, because this fixes something in you, fills a void in you and gives your life a purpose…and I could write forever all the different reason why one will not deal with, but in the end maybe you need to look deep inside and find why you won’t deal
Why can't it be 'talked' about?
who said it couldn’t be talked about???? Although I do get the question, and the silence is driven by shame, guilt, denial, fear….but you can talk about this as much as you need to, and keeping addiction secret is just what the addiction is hoping for. It thrives in the secrecy, in all the emotional havoc that we freely allow to run, and don’t have too…
Do they ever realize they have a problem?
one of my favorite questions. Of course then know there is a problem, really now. But then denial is such a wonderful thing and each side uses it with such precision based only on who they are. Hell even watching I would bet at times your head an convince you everything is ok…
I hate not having the answers to these questions.
sadly there are really no answers because you are not asking the right questions. Everything is gauged through his actions, his eyes, his heart…what about you, what can you do to end this for you…
I hate not being able to play some part in getting this resolved.
why? You can’t fix him, but you sure can fix you and trust me then it all looks so different, just so very different when we work on us
I hate that I can't fix what he thinks isn't broken.
know that he is capable when it is time to see what is broken of himself and fix that all on his own, does he really need you to fix him, and honestly isn’t it more worth your time to fix you….I have so been here and honestly I was just as screwed up as my husband was and here I was all worried about him….but then how easy it is to pick the sickest one in any room and use them to not deal with where we might be broken and with sick thinking and insane obsessions in our own right.
I hate that I continue to live this way because I don't know what else to do. I hate that I defend him to my family.
then find another way
I hate that my children will grow up seeing what this does.
again then find another way, and there are so many even a whole bunch with happy endings…
I hate to think that they in turn will think it is 'ok'.
sadly a lot of the dysfunction that goes on around children will effect them. In instances where a mother is abused her sons can in turn grow up to think this is how women are treated while daughters can go out and pick men that treat them just as there mother would. The best chance for any of our children comes with the time we are willing to put into ourselves as mothers and heal ourselves and it is never to late….from there then we intact change and doors open to conversations and help for them if they need it. One of the best gifts I have given my children was to heal my past and find balance and honestly flip their world upside down. I planted now different more healthy seed for them to hopefully take into their adults lives and flourish
I hate that I feel I should stay to 'help' him although I know only he can help himself.
I hate that I am weak.
I hate the unknown.
I hate fearing for his health.
I hate the path that I continue to follow.
these last ones…it isn’t about staying or leaving and trust me just leaving doesn’t fix the problem. Read around there are many not there and they are still asking a lot of these questions and frankly are just as obsessed with if not worse off than they were right in the middle of it. You hold all the answers you need within you and if you do the work all will become very clear even the answers to these questions. You will know why and hows of every reaction you had all along.
So now I have a question what can you do for you?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I didn't start my personal recovery in group meetings or with a therapist, for some of the same reasons you gave.
I started it by listening to my heart. My head kept justifying more reasons why I should accept the status quo. It was my heart that was not willing to live a lonely, disrespected life. I finally started listening to my needs and began to reach out.
I came here for support and began reading self help books. Another book that is helpful is Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More".
Keep reaching out for help, you'll find your way!
I started it by listening to my heart. My head kept justifying more reasons why I should accept the status quo. It was my heart that was not willing to live a lonely, disrespected life. I finally started listening to my needs and began to reach out.
I came here for support and began reading self help books. Another book that is helpful is Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More".
Keep reaching out for help, you'll find your way!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 29
Welcome, xmasevebaby!
I was new here too a few days ago and your very first sentence could be - and to some extent still is - my own.
I don't have a lot to add as I am too new to this to feel able to offer advice in most aspects of it but I do urge you to go to Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting last week and although during the meeting I didn't feel any real benefits, by the time I came out, had spend the rest of the day and a night absorbing it, I did start to feel there was hope for ME after all.
It's a lot of work. I am seeing it so far as almost as much work as the alcoholic has to do on themself to become sober. But from all the case histories I am reading about here, I can see that WE are the ones who have a problem that we can more easily fix than our alcoholic. Because WE are the ones who are initially more able to make that first step and seek help. And it seems to me that it's all like a jigsaw puzzle and that I am constantly finding where all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.
I hope you will stay with us and will find this board as helpful as supportive and as caring as I am finding it.
I was new here too a few days ago and your very first sentence could be - and to some extent still is - my own.
I don't have a lot to add as I am too new to this to feel able to offer advice in most aspects of it but I do urge you to go to Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting last week and although during the meeting I didn't feel any real benefits, by the time I came out, had spend the rest of the day and a night absorbing it, I did start to feel there was hope for ME after all.
It's a lot of work. I am seeing it so far as almost as much work as the alcoholic has to do on themself to become sober. But from all the case histories I am reading about here, I can see that WE are the ones who have a problem that we can more easily fix than our alcoholic. Because WE are the ones who are initially more able to make that first step and seek help. And it seems to me that it's all like a jigsaw puzzle and that I am constantly finding where all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.
I hope you will stay with us and will find this board as helpful as supportive and as caring as I am finding it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
Is there ever a wake up call?
for who you or him?
Will it ever end?
of course but again will what end for whom….Because it can and will end for you exactly when you allow it to
What's it take to 'turn the light on'?
he will be done when he is done, and you won’t have anything to do with that. Although you can help him stay sick so I don’t recommend helping at all. He is a grown man and can take care of himself and can learn by living, well if allowed. But then maybe more importantly has the light turned on for you yet, hell would you even see it if it did?
How bad does it have to get before it is realized?
before who realizes, if it is bad for you, then find out why, he can figure out his spectrum of bad all on his own
Why is it so hard to fix this?
because you can’t fix him, only yourself…and if and when you start doing that a lot of these questions will be a mute point
Why do I continue to deal with it?
because you are not done playing the game yet, because this fixes something in you, fills a void in you and gives your life a purpose…and I could write forever all the different reason why one will not deal with, but in the end maybe you need to look deep inside and find why you won’t deal
Why can't it be 'talked' about?
who said it couldn’t be talked about???? Although I do get the question, and the silence is driven by shame, guilt, denial, fear….but you can talk about this as much as you need to, and keeping addiction secret is just what the addiction is hoping for. It thrives in the secrecy, in all the emotional havoc that we freely allow to run, and don’t have too…
Do they ever realize they have a problem?
one of my favorite questions. Of course then know there is a problem, really now. But then denial is such a wonderful thing and each side uses it with such precision based only on who they are. Hell even watching I would bet at times your head an convince you everything is ok…
I hate not having the answers to these questions.
sadly there are really no answers because you are not asking the right questions. Everything is gauged through his actions, his eyes, his heart…what about you, what can you do to end this for you…
I hate not being able to play some part in getting this resolved.
why? You can’t fix him, but you sure can fix you and trust me then it all looks so different, just so very different when we work on us
I hate that I can't fix what he thinks isn't broken.
know that he is capable when it is time to see what is broken of himself and fix that all on his own, does he really need you to fix him, and honestly isn’t it more worth your time to fix you….I have so been here and honestly I was just as screwed up as my husband was and here I was all worried about him….but then how easy it is to pick the sickest one in any room and use them to not deal with where we might be broken and with sick thinking and insane obsessions in our own right.
I hate that I continue to live this way because I don't know what else to do. I hate that I defend him to my family.
then find another way
I hate that my children will grow up seeing what this does.
again then find another way, and there are so many even a whole bunch with happy endings…
I hate to think that they in turn will think it is 'ok'.
sadly a lot of the dysfunction that goes on around children will effect them. In instances where a mother is abused her sons can in turn grow up to think this is how women are treated while daughters can go out and pick men that treat them just as there mother would. The best chance for any of our children comes with the time we are willing to put into ourselves as mothers and heal ourselves and it is never to late….from there then we intact change and doors open to conversations and help for them if they need it. One of the best gifts I have given my children was to heal my past and find balance and honestly flip their world upside down. I planted now different more healthy seed for them to hopefully take into their adults lives and flourish
I hate that I feel I should stay to 'help' him although I know only he can help himself.
I hate that I am weak.
I hate the unknown.
I hate fearing for his health.
I hate the path that I continue to follow.
these last ones…it isn’t about staying or leaving and trust me just leaving doesn’t fix the problem. Read around there are many not there and they are still asking a lot of these questions and frankly are just as obsessed with if not worse off than they were right in the middle of it. You hold all the answers you need within you and if you do the work all will become very clear even the answers to these questions. You will know why and hows of every reaction you had all along.
So now I have a question what can you do for you?
for who you or him?
Will it ever end?
of course but again will what end for whom….Because it can and will end for you exactly when you allow it to
What's it take to 'turn the light on'?
he will be done when he is done, and you won’t have anything to do with that. Although you can help him stay sick so I don’t recommend helping at all. He is a grown man and can take care of himself and can learn by living, well if allowed. But then maybe more importantly has the light turned on for you yet, hell would you even see it if it did?
How bad does it have to get before it is realized?
before who realizes, if it is bad for you, then find out why, he can figure out his spectrum of bad all on his own
Why is it so hard to fix this?
because you can’t fix him, only yourself…and if and when you start doing that a lot of these questions will be a mute point
Why do I continue to deal with it?
because you are not done playing the game yet, because this fixes something in you, fills a void in you and gives your life a purpose…and I could write forever all the different reason why one will not deal with, but in the end maybe you need to look deep inside and find why you won’t deal
Why can't it be 'talked' about?
who said it couldn’t be talked about???? Although I do get the question, and the silence is driven by shame, guilt, denial, fear….but you can talk about this as much as you need to, and keeping addiction secret is just what the addiction is hoping for. It thrives in the secrecy, in all the emotional havoc that we freely allow to run, and don’t have too…
Do they ever realize they have a problem?
one of my favorite questions. Of course then know there is a problem, really now. But then denial is such a wonderful thing and each side uses it with such precision based only on who they are. Hell even watching I would bet at times your head an convince you everything is ok…
I hate not having the answers to these questions.
sadly there are really no answers because you are not asking the right questions. Everything is gauged through his actions, his eyes, his heart…what about you, what can you do to end this for you…
I hate not being able to play some part in getting this resolved.
why? You can’t fix him, but you sure can fix you and trust me then it all looks so different, just so very different when we work on us
I hate that I can't fix what he thinks isn't broken.
know that he is capable when it is time to see what is broken of himself and fix that all on his own, does he really need you to fix him, and honestly isn’t it more worth your time to fix you….I have so been here and honestly I was just as screwed up as my husband was and here I was all worried about him….but then how easy it is to pick the sickest one in any room and use them to not deal with where we might be broken and with sick thinking and insane obsessions in our own right.
I hate that I continue to live this way because I don't know what else to do. I hate that I defend him to my family.
then find another way
I hate that my children will grow up seeing what this does.
again then find another way, and there are so many even a whole bunch with happy endings…
I hate to think that they in turn will think it is 'ok'.
sadly a lot of the dysfunction that goes on around children will effect them. In instances where a mother is abused her sons can in turn grow up to think this is how women are treated while daughters can go out and pick men that treat them just as there mother would. The best chance for any of our children comes with the time we are willing to put into ourselves as mothers and heal ourselves and it is never to late….from there then we intact change and doors open to conversations and help for them if they need it. One of the best gifts I have given my children was to heal my past and find balance and honestly flip their world upside down. I planted now different more healthy seed for them to hopefully take into their adults lives and flourish
I hate that I feel I should stay to 'help' him although I know only he can help himself.
I hate that I am weak.
I hate the unknown.
I hate fearing for his health.
I hate the path that I continue to follow.
these last ones…it isn’t about staying or leaving and trust me just leaving doesn’t fix the problem. Read around there are many not there and they are still asking a lot of these questions and frankly are just as obsessed with if not worse off than they were right in the middle of it. You hold all the answers you need within you and if you do the work all will become very clear even the answers to these questions. You will know why and hows of every reaction you had all along.
So now I have a question what can you do for you?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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I am pretty convinced I will never know the answers to those questions and something in me doesn't want me too. The problem I have is that I can't stand not being able to fix something which is purely fixable. At some point in my life, I need to realize there are some goals I cannot accomplish alone and step away from it all. I think that is part of the reason I came here...to get support, read others stories, and just know it is possible to move on with life and let them deal on their own.
Thanks for the reply.
Sorry for my delay, with 3 kids, a job, and going back to school full-time I am pretty busy all the time.
I am pretty convinced I will never know the answers to those questions and something in me doesn't want me too. The problem I have is that I can't stand not being able to fix something which is purely fixable. At some point in my life, I need to realize there are some goals I cannot accomplish alone and step away from it all. I think that is part of the reason I came here...to get support, read others stories, and just know it is possible to move on with life and let them deal on their own.
Thanks for the reply.
Sorry for my delay, with 3 kids, a job, and going back to school full-time I am pretty busy all the time.
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