veryregretful

I hope you guys don't mind when I come on and post what I am feeling at certain times. Quick version and you can look at my other posts to read the whole thing.

It's been 5 days since my AH left. I gave him a choice of no drinking and stay with us or drink and leave. He chose to drink. He called to ask if he could spend the night because he had nowhere to go and I said no. I didn't know he was leaving till then. No shock though. The night before I mentioned that he made his choice and that's all I said when he came home trashed.

I went to work today and broke down a couple times. cried. let the water works go. I really didn't care if anyone saw me. Everyone has problems.

I had made plans with myself to cut coupons and organize them then go to the food store to get a couple things for the kids. I couldn't even bring my self to go to the food store. Instead I sat on the computer on Facebook and playing Mafia Wars. Mafia Wars was an escape when he came home drunk. I thought if I looked interested in something then he would just go down the basement which he did. So I'm still playing mafia wars. But that's what i did after work. I get home at 1:30pm so I'm home when my 14 year olds get home from school.

Everywhere I look I see him. out the window is the boat. out the window again is where he parks his truck which has been empty. Ceiling in kitchen only has compound on it. sneakers in rack. his crap on top of refridgerator. the squash i bought because he likes it. there is many more things and I am just sitting in the kitchen.

I'm also thinking that he should be walking through the door any minute now because this is when he usually gets home from work. I know I'm sick. Today I explained to my kids (14 year old twins) that I am having a difficult day trying to remember that I'm not to blame for his drinking. I know I'm not but I still have those thoughts I should have, could have etc. I know that I'm just as sick as he but in a different way.

The kids seem happier and they are talking to me more. They laugh. My son is most angriest because my AH promised him he would stop drinking and he broke his promise to my son. Thursday when he picked up his clothes he was yelling at me in the kitchen and playing the blame game and my son yells from the other room. "Just leave her alone!!! Get the h**l out till you stop drinking" I'm proud of him for speaking up cuz he is usually quiet. My AH turns around and tells him "Wow, it's about time you grew some b***ls" Just nasty. Didn't give my son a hug goodby. No sorries. Just "I can't live here anymore because of her" meaning me. Didn't even bother to look to see if my daughter was here. She wasn't but that's besides the point. My son still doesn't want to talk with him.

I was going to take the kids to a haunted house tomorrow night, but my son really doesn't like them so he wants to stay home. I just mentioned that his dad might come by for some things cuz you never know when he'll come. I did tell him he needs to call me first so I can be here. My son doesn't want to see him at all. This really hurts. I didn't realize how much his drinking affected the kids.

I grew up with an alki dad and I rebelled and did everything you could think of. and then some. I grew up and realized that's not the answer. The only thing I do now is smoke cigeretts and take klonopin for sleep and an antidepressant. and i think the anti depressant is because of the situation i'm in. i'm not usually a depressed person. I'm or shall i say used to go everywhere and do alot of things with the kids but lately i just stay home. sad i know.

i am seeing a psychologist so i can't wait to see him on friday. i can feel a little bit of the sadness going away and i can feel a little anger coming on.

what irks me is people who have seen him have been telling me i threw him out and i'm such a nag and other choice words i won't mention here. one person told me yesterday that he was going to watch football and get trashed. so that's telling me he doesn't want to change and face the reality of what he is doing to us. especially the kids.

ok i have way more to say but tonight i'm going to start writing in a journal but still post here because you guys are very helpful in making me think about things and what i'm feeling is kind of validated.

of course i'm going to say he's a good guy when he isn't drinking but aren't they all? my mind is marbles juggling around and someone on another post wrote it's the limbo that's hard. I'm in limbo and don't know how much more i can take before i take his stuff and just throw it on the street.

wow, i guess i am angry. lolol i know this post is long, i'm sorry. but i will get off now since I have to make chicken cutlets for the kids and i'm going to attempt to cut coupons and make shopping list as money will be tight now.

hugs and kisses to all!!!!!!! Good luck to the people who are going through with a seperation. Congratualations to all the people who have made it through and are truly happy. And good luck and my heart goes out to you who are still living with the addicted person trying to figure it out. It's hard no matter if you stay or leave.

Now i'll definately sign off. Thanks for reading (listening) and look forward to your responses. (even though I have much more on my mind I don't want to bore you)

XO

wanting

It will get easier. Hugs to you. I know the situation is all-consuming right now, but if you can do anything at all to get your mind off of it, take the opportunity! It will do wonders for your mental health.

LaTeeDa

One of the things that really helped me was taking my house back. I took all of his stuff that was sitting around and put it in boxes and bags. That way, I didn't have to look at it all the time, plus when he came to get it, it was short and sweet. You really don't want to be there while he goes through all the rooms and closets gathering his things.

The other thing I did was go buy brand new sheets! (Eventually, I got a whole new bed, but one thing at a time.) It was so nice to sleep in a fresh clean bed that didn't have that "smell." No matter how many times I washed the old sheets, the smell couldn't be eliminated.

I rearranged the furniture, hung the pictures in different places, etc. Making my space all about me kept me busy and gave me a certain peace.

These are just some ideas I remembered from when I was where you are. It does get better, and it does get easier. Hang in there.

L

P.S. Post all you want and don't worry about it!

veryregretful

La te da - I already put a new quilt on my bed I got from my mother. It's not new but that don't matter. I'm already thinking about changing the living room around. I don't have much furniture so it'll be easy.

I hate to admit it but in a way I don't want him back. Everything seemed to be the way he wanted it. Rearranging the furniture for one. Even the kitchen table.

The only thing that I will have to do is finish his projects that he started. Don't know how to do things like joint compound (I never had to do it, he did it so I never learned) but I have my handy dandy laptop that I can look up instructions to finish it. We just redid our bathroom. Everything is all done except for the spout for the tub. I'm going to have to look that one up to fix that very soon. The water just comes out straight lolol I'll figure it out. I actually feel that he should be finishing these projects that he started 15 years ago. but whatever. I'll do what I can and he did custom wordwork on the house but my foyer will get a piece of wood stained and nailied in place. So it looks a little different. Who cares.

I have been thinking about him leaving awhile ago so this is not new. I was just hoping he would have finished these things before he left. That's a little selfish on my part but he's the carpenter (unemployed one most of the time) where I was the bread winner so that's the least he could do after I fed him, etc. Now off topic.

thanks for the replies. have to check on kids dinner. XO

transformyself

Thank you for posting your story here, and please don't apologize for the long post. It's very helpful to hear/read of others struggles, determination, fears and situations.

You're very strong, even though you're crying and sad, the anger is peeking through and that is what keeps me sane; remembering the truth about my marriage.

Please keep coming here and posting. You are helping lots of us.