VictoriaC

I've been in al-anon for a month now and have been making real progress. Not only is my husband and alcoholic, he is also an infidel. My husband left last friday, he wanted to work on himself and try to come to terms with all the chaos in our lives and was out of the house for five days. It wasn't my choice, but his and I knew I could not convince him to stay. IN that five days I managed to live one day at a time and look to God for guidance in raising our three children alone. He shocked me by coming home Tuesday night crying saying that he missed me and the kids and wanted to come home. I told him it would be a difficult and painful road, but I was willing to work on it. Last night (Thurs.) he called my sister before I came home from work and tried to get a babysitter for us to have some alone time together and at lunch yesterday I bought him a card letting him know that I love him and I wanted to take the journey of recovery with him. We were both on the same page, working on getting our relationship some healing. and then the phone rang. it was a weird phone call from a man who said he was from a meeting for my husband. my husband got agitated on the phone and I picked up another line and heard a woman's voice. The beast that lurks behind me that I try so hard to keep under control came through me with such avengance. I called the person back demanding that he tell me what was going on. My H knows I don't trust him and I just proved it to him once again. Our anger became so unmanageable that he left again telling me he would kill himself and that if I didn't give him the car keys, he would lose yet another job and it would be my fault. I told him that I am no longer responsible for his actions and that whatever he did was on him. I feel so horrible today. I've had small slips before, but this one is devastating. We were on the right track and I screwed it all up. I know he has blame in this too, but I feel like a drug addict who just went on a coke binge. I feel so guilty and lonely. I wish I could go back to co-dependent me and beg him to come home. I know now that I can't do that but I'm really struggling. I called him at work today - it's amazing how he can do things on his own!!! I told him I just wanted to make sure that he was safe. Where do I go from here?

journeygal

(((((((Victoria))))))

First of all, we all have our slips. I know how you feel b/c I had a big one recently. But sometimes a slip turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Slips help us figure out what we're still doing wrong and where we need to make adjustments. It's great that you're already going to meetings - keep it up and remember to keep the focus on you.

Your husband is going to do whatever he chooses to do - you know you have no control over him or his choices, but you can control your choices. It's hard when that panic over takes us, but finding ways to stay calm and not react is vital to making real progress in recovery.

Hang in there.

Hugs,
JG

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Victoria...

Just do the next right thing. There's no point in flogging yourself. If you could forgive your husband for a slip... why not forgive yourself?

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

Victoria,

You have one month in the program...I have 10 years. If I did what you did I might call it a slip but OMG you are a baby!

You didn't do anything wrong...hubby was playing games and it sounds like he had help.

Take it easy on yourself...go to your meetings and come here when you have the chance. Change is slow...next time or the time after might go better.

Hugs,
JT

jessieandme2003

I am so glad JT said this. It sounded to me you were on the right path. You were willing to work together for recovery.

I do not think that you have to be willing to accept ANYTHING your husband does because you are trying to work on trust. I never felt trust was a guaranteed right, it is a privilege you earn over time. And when you break it you must work harder and be more patient to earn it back. That is just my opinion, but this board is about sharing opinions, so I am sharing it.

OK, maybe you can feel you slipped in choosing to listen in on the phone. But you said your husband got agitated. You don't tell us if it turned out to be what you suspected, and you don't have to. I am just saying that if it were, then please don't beat yourself up about how you found out. Perhaps your HP felt it was time for you to find out. And if you were wrong in your suspicion, I would think your husband should be more patient with your suspicions considering some of his behaviors (you call him an infidel).

Gosh, I typed a lot to say he has a big part of the blame in your story and you should NOT take it all on yourself. :-)

Now thats the way to go! Take it one day at a time, and work your recovery.

OK, this was so me. The loneliness, and the calls. I always did so much for him I was surprised to learn he could get up and tie his shoes on his own! But of course he could, he was just going to let me do it all if I were willing to. That was MY problem, not his, for letting him get away with it. Someone here had a great quote that said something like "We teach people how to treat us." That's a brand new favorite of mine now.

So where do you go? Back to your life - with less insanity, hopefully. At first I read the serenity prayer everyday. I don't know why, but the amazing truth in those words really inspired me. I used to type them in an email to my best friend everyday. Right at the top. And then I'd type my other favorite phrase "Picture your life the way you want it, then take steps towards it every day" and I'd tell her what I did the day before as far as taking a step, and what I thought I might do that day in taking another step. It made me realize that I could do something that day, for myself, to head towards my own goals. That no matter what my AH was doing was no longer effecting me (he was gone) and was no longer my problem. I started with little goals like "I'd like to be out in the sun more" (it was summer) and made sure I took a walk that day. "I'd like to see more movies than I do" and I'd make plans with a friend to see one. Things I wasn't doing so much when he was home.

OK, this is way too long. Sorry. I just see you at the beginning of a path that could lead you to a new happiness. I will be cheering for you from my house.

Ann

Any mistake we make and learn from, is then called a lesson.

I have learned many lessons in my recovery, and they have all helped move me forward.

Give yourself a hug and keep moving.

Hugs
Ann

tripped up

Victoria, I read your post and can oh..... so relate. You are in pretty darn good shape compared to the stuff I've pulled lately. I thank my H.P. that I have a sponsor that really does love me that I can turn to. This site was referred to me by her and I do thank her for it. At least now I can come in here _BEFORE_ I get on the marry go round and do something that can hurt Me more than my Alcoholic.... Alanon has taught me that I come first... Oh My... What a concept I am so out of control sometimes that it is a wonder that my higher power has time to run the world too... Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone nor are you unique in this strange place called Earth. ((((((((( Victoria)))))))))