The doubts..why?
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The doubts..why?
I have been so stressed all weekend I can hardly function.
Not sure if I mentioned in previous post or not but after he left here Saturday all offended and mad because 'his addiction is in the past' he went home and not even an hour later sent an email to married gf telling her how awful I was and wanted her to bring him some 'pinks' as he didn't know what else to do. I did some research and pink could be Lortabs or Vicodin. He is so far from sober its frightening!
I really hope that I have enough on him to make this stick. I did another look at his email last night and he has 4 different women helping him. "oh you poor thing. You are so misunderstood. I don't know why people treat you so badly and hurt you. You are a great guy and a great father....blah, blah blah!" Makes me sick how he can always end up the victim. One even sent him information on Fathers Rights Groups which would suck. I have a few friends whose ex's went with these groups and all they do is stir trouble. Its all for the cause and they don't look at individual situations at all. These women are all so sucked in by him I can bet he will gather enough money for an attorney from them.
Why am I starting to feel so doubtful about this? I KNOW WHAT HE IS AND WHAT HE IS CAPEABLE OF! These other women don't. Why are thoughts of 'what is going to happen if he wins?' creeping into my head? Why do I feel like I want to crawl into a hole with baby and never come out?
He didn't call or text about her at all yesterday. We will see what today brings and the rest of the week.
Not sure if I mentioned in previous post or not but after he left here Saturday all offended and mad because 'his addiction is in the past' he went home and not even an hour later sent an email to married gf telling her how awful I was and wanted her to bring him some 'pinks' as he didn't know what else to do. I did some research and pink could be Lortabs or Vicodin. He is so far from sober its frightening!
I really hope that I have enough on him to make this stick. I did another look at his email last night and he has 4 different women helping him. "oh you poor thing. You are so misunderstood. I don't know why people treat you so badly and hurt you. You are a great guy and a great father....blah, blah blah!" Makes me sick how he can always end up the victim. One even sent him information on Fathers Rights Groups which would suck. I have a few friends whose ex's went with these groups and all they do is stir trouble. Its all for the cause and they don't look at individual situations at all. These women are all so sucked in by him I can bet he will gather enough money for an attorney from them.
Why am I starting to feel so doubtful about this? I KNOW WHAT HE IS AND WHAT HE IS CAPEABLE OF! These other women don't. Why are thoughts of 'what is going to happen if he wins?' creeping into my head? Why do I feel like I want to crawl into a hole with baby and never come out?
He didn't call or text about her at all yesterday. We will see what today brings and the rest of the week.
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You probably feel like you want to crawl into a hole because that would be a much safer place to be right now! It's no fun feeling under attack and unsupported. And he seems to have all kinds of emotional support, albeit totally unhealthy. Try to just stay on track. I know that when there are other women involved, it can really derail you, but it's just temporary. Hopefully soon you won't give a hoot. I've started seeing the other women issue as just a symptom of his disease and of basically how gross he is. Not that I don't have moments of jealousy but seriously, how pathetic.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Why are you checking his email? I guess I missed something.
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Well, I'm no attorney, but I don't see how an email can be "proof" of anything. I also doubt emails, which are neither from you or to you, are admissible as evidence in court.
Random drug testing, which you can ask for if this goes back to court, would be the only way to prove anything.
Snooping in his email seems more harmful to me than helpful. All it does is keep you involved in the drama.
L
Random drug testing, which you can ask for if this goes back to court, would be the only way to prove anything.
Snooping in his email seems more harmful to me than helpful. All it does is keep you involved in the drama.
L
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I'm not sure what state you reside in, but as an attorney in my state, I don't see how HIS personal emails would be let it. If I were a judge, I'd throw them out based on how this information was obtained. I'm sure your attorney has her reasons for instructing you to do it, but I'm not sure how any of this helps you in court. On another note, it seems to me this is more about you tracking him then about the custody issue. You have a court order. The rest just seems like self torture. JMHO. Hugs!
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Not to defend checking someone else's email, but I know that being in relationship with an addict can do funny things to you and you find yourself behaving in ways that other people easily label as "wrong".
Do you attend Al-anon meetings? This can really help you get the focus back on yourself, as opposed to obsessing about what HE is doing. I also get very curious about what my xabf is up to, and at some points if I had been able to get into his email, I would have. I'm not proud, but it was all part of figuring out how unbalanced I have become. Dealing with this stuff is not easy. Just try to take one step at a time in putting your attention back on yourself and I'm sure that the custody thing will sort itself out. The court just isn't going to award custody to an active addict and they can easily test him.
Do you attend Al-anon meetings? This can really help you get the focus back on yourself, as opposed to obsessing about what HE is doing. I also get very curious about what my xabf is up to, and at some points if I had been able to get into his email, I would have. I'm not proud, but it was all part of figuring out how unbalanced I have become. Dealing with this stuff is not easy. Just try to take one step at a time in putting your attention back on yourself and I'm sure that the custody thing will sort itself out. The court just isn't going to award custody to an active addict and they can easily test him.
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No, I am not a big advocate for just plain snooping for no reason. Believe me, if I wasn't in a fight for custody with him I would run the other way. He is obviously going to deny drinking and/or abusing prescription drugs and it will be his word against mine. Do I want to take that chance or find something more concrete that he is using? That is a gamble I am not willing to take. My daughters safety and well being is at stake and I will use anything I can. Yeah, it used to hurt when I saw emails from other women, but now it just makes me pity him all the more. It doesn't even hurt anymore. My attorney just plans on showing him these emails if he tries to deny getting other pills from others. Hoping it won't go as far as actual court and he will just back off and get help.
I do get what you are saying about snooping only hurting me and I do agree, but my daughters life is not something I take lightly and there is no guarantees in court and want to have as much proof as I can.
I do get what you are saying about snooping only hurting me and I do agree, but my daughters life is not something I take lightly and there is no guarantees in court and want to have as much proof as I can.
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Free: I get what you are trying to say, but I'll share what my therapist, who used to be our couples therapist, told me about what you are saying.
I used to complain about all of the ways xabf screwed up my life. I would often say during sessions that "he made me do xyz." She would always correct me and say "no, you allowed him to control your emotions." She would also tell me I co-created the relationship with him. When I stopped lying to myself about my role in it, things became much easier. To me, saying that being in a relationship with an an alcoholic makes you do crazy things as a justification for doing crazy things is the same as the alcoholic justifying his or her drinking by saying I, or any other person on this board, made them drink due to whatever we did wrong. We all have choices and no one can "make" us do anything we don't want to do.
I used to complain about all of the ways xabf screwed up my life. I would often say during sessions that "he made me do xyz." She would always correct me and say "no, you allowed him to control your emotions." She would also tell me I co-created the relationship with him. When I stopped lying to myself about my role in it, things became much easier. To me, saying that being in a relationship with an an alcoholic makes you do crazy things as a justification for doing crazy things is the same as the alcoholic justifying his or her drinking by saying I, or any other person on this board, made them drink due to whatever we did wrong. We all have choices and no one can "make" us do anything we don't want to do.
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You can use your child to justify your snooping all you want, but the truth is you are not protecting anyone. You already have a court order protecting your child. The burden of proof is on him if he wants to change that, not on you to keep it in place.
There was a time when I needed to "prove" what a "bad" person he was in order to feel good about myself. Not saying that's what's going on with you, just tossing it out there....
L
There was a time when I needed to "prove" what a "bad" person he was in order to feel good about myself. Not saying that's what's going on with you, just tossing it out there....
L
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You already have a court order protecting your child.
And what happens when he takes me back to change the court order like he is doing? Do I want to be prepared? Heck yes! I guess we disagree...I will leave no stone unturned to protect her even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness or peace. You can bet he will lie through his teeth to prove he isn't using or drinking.
And what happens when he takes me back to change the court order like he is doing? Do I want to be prepared? Heck yes! I guess we disagree...I will leave no stone unturned to protect her even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness or peace. You can bet he will lie through his teeth to prove he isn't using or drinking.
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Startingover, I have not even married, but I wanted to say I get why you are checking his email... because you got a kid. But IF you are going to keep doing it, could you just send the emails to the printer without reading them?
I see how others can see you as looking for more suffering but I also get a mother will do anything in her hands to fight back. And I am glad you are getting away from him. He seems to be a very troubled man.
If I were a judge I would consider what was said on the emails... the end justifies the means. Here is a man that says his addiction is part of the past and is currently asking people to get him drugs.
Not sure if those emails would count but I guess I would be doing the same thing in your situation. I do not think it is moral to snoop but I do not think it is moral to be a lying addict trying to give a mother a hard time when he knows his child would be better with her than with him.
I agree a random drug test would be advisable, have you talked about that with your lawayer?
Anyway... that is just a passersby, humble opinion.
I am rooting for you and hope you all the best.
I see how others can see you as looking for more suffering but I also get a mother will do anything in her hands to fight back. And I am glad you are getting away from him. He seems to be a very troubled man.
If I were a judge I would consider what was said on the emails... the end justifies the means. Here is a man that says his addiction is part of the past and is currently asking people to get him drugs.
Not sure if those emails would count but I guess I would be doing the same thing in your situation. I do not think it is moral to snoop but I do not think it is moral to be a lying addict trying to give a mother a hard time when he knows his child would be better with her than with him.
I agree a random drug test would be advisable, have you talked about that with your lawayer?
Anyway... that is just a passersby, humble opinion.
I am rooting for you and hope you all the best.
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Originally Posted by Startingover2
I will leave no stone unturned to protect her even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness or peace.
Edit to add:
Obviously, this topic is triggering me, and I just realized why. I am an ACOA. I have discovered that my mother's codependent behaviors were much more damaging to me as a child than my father's alcoholic behaviors. He was hardly ever around. My mother was always there, but she was never really "there," if you get what I mean
Her time was spent obsessing about my father, being angry at him, or being depressed about him. I wish she would have focused less on him and more on me.
L
Last edited by LaTeeDa; 10-19-2009 at 05:27 PM.
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TC..thank you. Yes, attorney and I have discussed random drug and alcohol tests and if it came to that we would ask for them. Hoping it won't get that far. My hopes would be he knows he will not be successful and either get help (not holding my breath on that one) or just keep the visits supervised like we have now. Baby is too young for me to even give him a chance unless he is completely sober. She is 18 months...cannot pick up the phone if he uses, cannot yell for help. She is completely dependent on others. His exwife told me a story of when her kids were small and he popped so many pills he was almost comatose. They were not old enough to call then either. She was calling and calling and couldnt get ahold of him, finally driving there. Exwife couldn't even wake him at all. How dangerous is that? Not a risk I am willing to take. I made the mistake of having a child with exah. I was stupid and looked the other way. Not doing it anymore.
LaTeeDa...I understand completely where you care coming from as well. I know exah will do something. I feel I am focusing on baby. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't do what I could to protect her and something tragic happened? I would never forgive myself.
LaTeeDa...I understand completely where you care coming from as well. I know exah will do something. I feel I am focusing on baby. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't do what I could to protect her and something tragic happened? I would never forgive myself.
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Maybe this will help. As a disclaimer, I do not practice in family law, but I read all sorts of stories in the law journal each day. This stuff DOES happen. As an additional disclaimer, this is all merely my opinion as I'm likely not licensed to practice where you live and you have your own attorney to advise you, but here's a few things that come to mind when I see what you are doing...
Your husband finds out you have violated his privacy by hacking his email account. It does not matter how you have access. The emails are to HIS account addressed to HIM. He decides, as I would, that he will pursue every legal avenue against you for violating his privacy. You end up arrested for harassment. What good are you to your daughter then? None whatsoever.
Besides the cases I read in law journals, I will tell you exactly what happened to a friend. She suspected that her boyfriend was cheating. She looked at his work email on his blackberry, which confirmed he was cheating. He found out. He filed a complaint against her AND got a restraining order. I see nothing wrong with what he did. She violated his privacy.
So, here's a good hypo... Husband gets the restraining order and takes you to court for custody. Who looks like the better parent at this point? A judge does not have the full story. All he or she knows is that you hacked his account and have been repeatedly, by your own admission, with emails in hand, violated his privacy.
There are other ways, besides your order, to ensure you keep custody and supervised visitation. Those emails, if admissible, prove absolutely NOTHING. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is reality. I hope you can grasp that before your actions to "protect" your daughter actually end up hurting her.
Your husband finds out you have violated his privacy by hacking his email account. It does not matter how you have access. The emails are to HIS account addressed to HIM. He decides, as I would, that he will pursue every legal avenue against you for violating his privacy. You end up arrested for harassment. What good are you to your daughter then? None whatsoever.
Besides the cases I read in law journals, I will tell you exactly what happened to a friend. She suspected that her boyfriend was cheating. She looked at his work email on his blackberry, which confirmed he was cheating. He found out. He filed a complaint against her AND got a restraining order. I see nothing wrong with what he did. She violated his privacy.
So, here's a good hypo... Husband gets the restraining order and takes you to court for custody. Who looks like the better parent at this point? A judge does not have the full story. All he or she knows is that you hacked his account and have been repeatedly, by your own admission, with emails in hand, violated his privacy.
There are other ways, besides your order, to ensure you keep custody and supervised visitation. Those emails, if admissible, prove absolutely NOTHING. I don't mean to be harsh, but this is reality. I hope you can grasp that before your actions to "protect" your daughter actually end up hurting her.
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NYC Chick. You're right, nobody can "make" us do anything. That's not what I was trying to say. I suppose I'm thinking that understanding the dynamics of codependency can help us start getting our unhealthy behavior under control. When we're in the middle of the craziness, having some understanding and empathy for ourselves, not by blaming the other person but by knowing that our reactions are not unusual, helps us begin to change.
I still sometimes do something that is not the best choice for me, but at least now I am looking over my shoulder thinking, hmm, Ok, that wasn't great. Next time I'll try to do better.
Startingover, I understand that you feel really protective of your daughter. I feel the same way about mine, but I think that what LaTeeDa is saying is really important. The more detached and calm you are about the situation, the better she's going to be. This man has a track record of addiction already and you have a good witness in the ex wife! So it sounds like you may be able to step back from his email and daily drama and just look after yourself for a while.
I still sometimes do something that is not the best choice for me, but at least now I am looking over my shoulder thinking, hmm, Ok, that wasn't great. Next time I'll try to do better.
Startingover, I understand that you feel really protective of your daughter. I feel the same way about mine, but I think that what LaTeeDa is saying is really important. The more detached and calm you are about the situation, the better she's going to be. This man has a track record of addiction already and you have a good witness in the ex wife! So it sounds like you may be able to step back from his email and daily drama and just look after yourself for a while.
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This man has a track record of addiction already and you have a good witness in the ex wife!
You would think this, but not really. She still has her children go with her exah although they are both teens now and avoid his as much as they can. I would tell her how he would drink and drive with them and she would yell and scream...nothing more. I don't think I can count on her as a witness.
NYC...Wow..I better double check with my attorney as he told me to print the emails of him asking for pills. Obviously I won't do it if it will harm me. Thank you.
You would think this, but not really. She still has her children go with her exah although they are both teens now and avoid his as much as they can. I would tell her how he would drink and drive with them and she would yell and scream...nothing more. I don't think I can count on her as a witness.
NYC...Wow..I better double check with my attorney as he told me to print the emails of him asking for pills. Obviously I won't do it if it will harm me. Thank you.
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Free: I have to keep myself in check with what I do all the time too. It's all about learning as you go. It's also about accepting responsibility for your own action and continuing to hold yourself accountable for what you decide to do. None of us are perfect. That's part of the fun of going through life : )
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Originally Posted by Startingover2
Also, LTD...I do realize I look like a crazed loon (and I probably am! LOL)
L
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