So I filed
I'm growing
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
So I filed
I filed for divorce last week and AH was served at our court appearance for our Legal Seperation (on Thursday).
I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time, but now I am second guessing myself??
AH was upset and has asked me repeatedly not to "do this". As expected his behavior got worse on Friday and then last night it was better. We actually had a REAL conversation. He has just fininshed 5 weeks of OP.
This is so confusing for me. I know I need to be a WHOLE person before I can be in a relationship. Whether that is with my AH or anyone else. I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I stayed too long, didn't stand up for myself, etc.
BUT way back in the back of my head I keep thinking maybe....just maybe someday we could be together again, and maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
CRAZY, I know.
Many of you know my faith has been a big deterant from me filing for divorce. But really it pushes me forward and I can continue to grow. I suppose I won't know if it was the right thing to do until the future.
I just don't know why I let AH get into my head. He wrote me a letter saying that never really told me how he appreciatated me. And that I am a good mother and he and the children are lucky to have me. UGGGHHH Why now. Why is he saying this stuff now???.......I must remember to watch his actions.
And then there are the actions that I just can't forget. When he looked dd straight in the face and told her that "It was all her fault" or the time when he told her "Not to grow up to be a c**t like her mother"
I really need to make a list. I keep thinking of all of these things. I need to keep it simple...I know....one day at a time.....
thanks for listening
I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time, but now I am second guessing myself??
AH was upset and has asked me repeatedly not to "do this". As expected his behavior got worse on Friday and then last night it was better. We actually had a REAL conversation. He has just fininshed 5 weeks of OP.
This is so confusing for me. I know I need to be a WHOLE person before I can be in a relationship. Whether that is with my AH or anyone else. I know I have made a lot of mistakes. I stayed too long, didn't stand up for myself, etc.
BUT way back in the back of my head I keep thinking maybe....just maybe someday we could be together again, and maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
CRAZY, I know.
Many of you know my faith has been a big deterant from me filing for divorce. But really it pushes me forward and I can continue to grow. I suppose I won't know if it was the right thing to do until the future.
I just don't know why I let AH get into my head. He wrote me a letter saying that never really told me how he appreciatated me. And that I am a good mother and he and the children are lucky to have me. UGGGHHH Why now. Why is he saying this stuff now???.......I must remember to watch his actions.
And then there are the actions that I just can't forget. When he looked dd straight in the face and told her that "It was all her fault" or the time when he told her "Not to grow up to be a c**t like her mother"
I really need to make a list. I keep thinking of all of these things. I need to keep it simple...I know....one day at a time.....
thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Make that list, Daisy. Look back at your previous posts if you want a reminder of why this is what's best for you right now. And right now is all you have to worry about.
Look around at other posts today. You will notice other A's being oh-so-kind-and-loving as well, and funny thing, the thing they all have in common is that they're losing their enablers. This is how the game is played.
This is a divorce, not a death sentence. You will be fine, and if he chooses, HE will be fine. And if, five years from now, he's still sober and healthy and has finally grown into the kind of person who nourishes your life, what is keeping you from seeing him then?
Hugs,
GL
Look around at other posts today. You will notice other A's being oh-so-kind-and-loving as well, and funny thing, the thing they all have in common is that they're losing their enablers. This is how the game is played.
This is a divorce, not a death sentence. You will be fine, and if he chooses, HE will be fine. And if, five years from now, he's still sober and healthy and has finally grown into the kind of person who nourishes your life, what is keeping you from seeing him then?
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Daisy30 
BUT way back in the back of my head I keep thinking maybe....just maybe someday we could be together again, and maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
As GL said, there is nothing preventing him from getting sober and creating a life with you and the kids in the future. It happens all the time. Doing what you need to do NOW does not predetermine the future. And it's certainly a heck of a lot more sensible to do what makes sense based on current reality than to do what makes sense based on possible future maybe's.
L
I'm growing
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
and it's certainly a heck of a lot more sensible to do what makes sense based on current reality than to do what makes sense based on possible future maybe's
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
He wrote me a letter saying that never really told me how he appreciatated me. And that I am a good mother and he and the children are lucky to have me. UGGGHHH Why now. Why is he saying this stuff now???.......I must remember to watch his actions.
And then there are the actions that I just can't forget. When he looked dd straight in the face and told her that "It was all her fault" or the time when he told her "Not to grow up to be a c**t like her mother".
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I was divorced from M for two years when she got sober and we dated then for a short time. There's no law that says two divorced people can't try it again under different circumstances. I think it's better to make plans based on current circumstances rather than hope for things to change, (which is not a plan). As it turned out M was only sober for a couple months so it was a good thing I made the choices I did.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
And it's certainly a heck of a lot more sensible to do what makes sense based on current reality than to do what makes sense based on possible future maybe's.
L
L
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Your thoughts have been so helpful to keep me on the right track. More than you will ever know! I must keep moving forward.
Being seperated for these past 10 months has been a "safety" of sorts for me. But I have felt stagnet. I am away from the daily behaviors of an A, but still I reap some of the side effects of communicating with an A. Moving forward with this is making me go through some new emotions, thoughts, etc. Some positive, some negative. I must trust that my HP will guide me and take care of me, as always.
He has been sweat as punch the last few days, which drives me nuts! He hasn't been this nice to me in years.......quack quack
We were on our way out the door when AH uttered these great phrases, forever etched in my head.
Thanks I needed to hear this. I gain so much from others ESH 
Being seperated for these past 10 months has been a "safety" of sorts for me. But I have felt stagnet. I am away from the daily behaviors of an A, but still I reap some of the side effects of communicating with an A. Moving forward with this is making me go through some new emotions, thoughts, etc. Some positive, some negative. I must trust that my HP will guide me and take care of me, as always.
He has been sweat as punch the last few days, which drives me nuts! He hasn't been this nice to me in years.......quack quack
Quote:
And then there are the actions that I just can't forget. When he looked dd straight in the face and told her that "It was all her fault" or the time when he told her "Not to grow up to be a c**t like her mother".
I had a similar situation with a roommate/BF. He was out the door that day, never to come back except to get his stuff, and I made sure my daughter and I weren't there when he got his stuff.
__________________
And then there are the actions that I just can't forget. When he looked dd straight in the face and told her that "It was all her fault" or the time when he told her "Not to grow up to be a c**t like her mother".
I had a similar situation with a roommate/BF. He was out the door that day, never to come back except to get his stuff, and I made sure my daughter and I weren't there when he got his stuff.
__________________
I was divorced from M for two years when she got sober and we dated then for a short time. There's no law that says two divorced people can't try it again under different circumstances. I think it's better to make plans based on current circumstances rather than hope for things to change, (which is not a plan). As it turned out M was only sober for a couple months so it was a good thing I made the choices I did.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
there is nothing preventing him from getting sober and creating a life with you and the kids in the future. It happens all the time.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen
This is what is keeping me so stuck/guilty though. My XAH wants me to guarantee him that this will happen if he is able to stay sober, and I won't do it. He insists that he needs me to say this to give him hope. He says it's not fair, that he has seniority, he's incredibly pissed that I'm dating someone else and won't give him up for him. I don't like this feeling that "you can always go back to him if he changes" because I think that's an easy way to feel stuck. I've even told him that I won't go back even if he does change, but I STILL feel stuck because he believes that because we were married, and because we have a child, that I am obligated to give him a chance in the future as long as he can stay sober.
Just because you CAN go back to him if you WANT doesn't mean you HAVE TO, now does it? He is free to get sober and become a saint if he wants. You are free to quit listening to him at all if you want.
But, trying to convince yourself that you can possibly know NOW what will or won't happen in the future seems to me like pure fantasy.
When I live my life for today, I find that tomorrow tends to work itself out just fine.
L
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen
I've even told him that I won't go back even if he does change, but I STILL feel stuck because he believes that because we were married, and because we have a child, that I am obligated to give him a chance in the future as long as he can stay sober.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Daisy you are already guided by HP and will continue to be until your very last breathe.
Today my life is changing for the better and I am getting so excited ! you got to trust on HP and YOURSELF ! it will be better because YOU ARE MAKING IT BETTER already! trust yourself, your gut, your dreams. You are in charge of your life, no one else.
He had 544354382466798430523 chances to be sweet. Think about all the times you got angry and sad and confused. A few phrases here and there don't cut it really or give you your time back.
Can you go no contact or keep the contact as short as possible?
Maybe you go back, maybe you won't. Maybe he finds recovery and maybe he doesn't. Maybe you stay alone. Maybe you find a good man that is sweet from DAY ONE and the only times he will make you cry are:
/ when he is chopping onions
/ when you laugh so hard tears come out of your eyes
/ when you feel at home in his arms and realize the dark hours have gone for good
Focus on your ultimate objective, peace, serenity.... getting to know your wonderful self, living your dreams, having a good time with people that love you.
Life is short.
You are an inspiration!
Today my life is changing for the better and I am getting so excited ! you got to trust on HP and YOURSELF ! it will be better because YOU ARE MAKING IT BETTER already! trust yourself, your gut, your dreams. You are in charge of your life, no one else.
He had 544354382466798430523 chances to be sweet. Think about all the times you got angry and sad and confused. A few phrases here and there don't cut it really or give you your time back.
Can you go no contact or keep the contact as short as possible?
Maybe you go back, maybe you won't. Maybe he finds recovery and maybe he doesn't. Maybe you stay alone. Maybe you find a good man that is sweet from DAY ONE and the only times he will make you cry are:
/ when he is chopping onions
/ when you laugh so hard tears come out of your eyes
/ when you feel at home in his arms and realize the dark hours have gone for good
Focus on your ultimate objective, peace, serenity.... getting to know your wonderful self, living your dreams, having a good time with people that love you.
Life is short.
You are an inspiration!
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
We alcoholics are manipulative. We will say whatever we have to say to avoid losing things. Words don't matter, focus on actions.
Unless the person has shown recovery - measured both by not drinking and by developing the life coping skills for the underlying problems - view the words as they are - a nice compliment for today, but not a reason to put your life back into a tailspin for tomorrow.
Unless the person has shown recovery - measured both by not drinking and by developing the life coping skills for the underlying problems - view the words as they are - a nice compliment for today, but not a reason to put your life back into a tailspin for tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Isn't it amazing how suddenly you have the knowing what will happen in 1, 2 or more years, when for ages the same A had you totally bewildered at what was going to happen in the next few minutes.
Have a look at your past posts, and ask "where was the loving, the respect, caring and appreciation for you"? Maybe he does appreciate you now, but is it for who you are, or more for what you did for him and him free to drink and do as he wanted?
Funny how it has taken him this long to come out with words that you longed to hear in all those years of s**t, just as you become strong enough to do without them.
Of course he is trying to hang on to you, for dear life. Losing you means his enabler is gone, and he is now responsible for himself. AAAHHHH!!! He is terrified.
He is faced with continuing drinking without the "comforts" you provided, having to find another enabler or working hard in real recovery to make life changes. All of those are difficult and uncomfortable and require effort from him.
Maybe he will become a changed man in recovery, who knows.
What is sure right now is that you have become a changed woman in your recovery, and that is all you need to consider. Let all unwind as it will in your life, and see what happens then.
You need facts and evidence before a good decision can be made, not airy fairy promises from someone who has broken so many before.
Don't waver in the decision you made to file, it will give you the space and time you need, and some legal peace of mind as well. Both you and he have a lot of growing work to do for yourselves, and if that takes place for both of you, wonderful.
If you go forward and he doesn't, then that is wonderful also, for you will be free of any further A hassles.
God bless
Have a look at your past posts, and ask "where was the loving, the respect, caring and appreciation for you"? Maybe he does appreciate you now, but is it for who you are, or more for what you did for him and him free to drink and do as he wanted?
Funny how it has taken him this long to come out with words that you longed to hear in all those years of s**t, just as you become strong enough to do without them.
Of course he is trying to hang on to you, for dear life. Losing you means his enabler is gone, and he is now responsible for himself. AAAHHHH!!! He is terrified.
He is faced with continuing drinking without the "comforts" you provided, having to find another enabler or working hard in real recovery to make life changes. All of those are difficult and uncomfortable and require effort from him.
Maybe he will become a changed man in recovery, who knows.
What is sure right now is that you have become a changed woman in your recovery, and that is all you need to consider. Let all unwind as it will in your life, and see what happens then.
You need facts and evidence before a good decision can be made, not airy fairy promises from someone who has broken so many before.
Don't waver in the decision you made to file, it will give you the space and time you need, and some legal peace of mind as well. Both you and he have a lot of growing work to do for yourselves, and if that takes place for both of you, wonderful.
If you go forward and he doesn't, then that is wonderful also, for you will be free of any further A hassles.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
riginally Posted by Mambo Queen
This is what is keeping me so stuck/guilty though. My XAH wants me to guarantee him that this will happen if he is able to stay sober, and I won't do it. He insists that he needs me to say this to give him hope. He says it's not fair, that he has seniority, he's incredibly pissed that I'm dating someone else and won't give him up for him. I don't like this feeling that "you can always go back to him if he changes" because I think that's an easy way to feel stuck. I've even told him that I won't go back even if he does change, but I STILL feel stuck because he believes that because we were married, and because we have a child, that I am obligated to give him a chance in the future as long as he can stay sober.
Gosh you must be powerful if you have the ability to guarantee what will happen in the future.
This is what is keeping me so stuck/guilty though. My XAH wants me to guarantee him that this will happen if he is able to stay sober, and I won't do it. He insists that he needs me to say this to give him hope. He says it's not fair, that he has seniority, he's incredibly pissed that I'm dating someone else and won't give him up for him. I don't like this feeling that "you can always go back to him if he changes" because I think that's an easy way to feel stuck. I've even told him that I won't go back even if he does change, but I STILL feel stuck because he believes that because we were married, and because we have a child, that I am obligated to give him a chance in the future as long as he can stay sober.
Gosh you must be powerful if you have the ability to guarantee what will happen in the future.
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
You are all helping me Thank you so much! I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!
This is so true. I keep telling myself I have no business being in any relationship right now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I know I will continue to grow and never be done, BUT for right now, I am not ready to be in a relationship EVEN with my husband. I am just beginning to realize myself as a whole person. I am not there yet. Someday I will be, with a lot of hard work. Then and only then will I truely be ready for a relationship, if one happens to come along.
My recovery has taught me soooo much. I do not want to lose an ounce of that. It has really been a blessing.
One important thing I have learned is that my emotions are NOT connected to anyone elses. He can be happy and I can be sad, I can have a good day, even if someone else is having a bad day. I must keep this in mind. Keep my plan in place.
well said thanks!
Thank you so much! I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!
What is sure right now is that you have become a changed woman in your recovery, and that is all you need to consider. Let all unwind as it will in your life, and see what happens then.
You need facts and evidence before a good decision can be made, not airy fairy promises from someone who has broken so many before.
Don't waver in the decision you made to file, it will give you the space and time you need, and some legal peace of mind as well. Both you and he have a lot of growing work to do for yourselves, and if that takes place for both of you, wonderful.
If you go forward and he doesn't, then that is wonderful also, for you will be free of any further A hassles.
You need facts and evidence before a good decision can be made, not airy fairy promises from someone who has broken so many before.
Don't waver in the decision you made to file, it will give you the space and time you need, and some legal peace of mind as well. Both you and he have a lot of growing work to do for yourselves, and if that takes place for both of you, wonderful.
If you go forward and he doesn't, then that is wonderful also, for you will be free of any further A hassles.
This is so true. I keep telling myself I have no business being in any relationship right now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I know I will continue to grow and never be done, BUT for right now, I am not ready to be in a relationship EVEN with my husband. I am just beginning to realize myself as a whole person. I am not there yet. Someday I will be, with a lot of hard work. Then and only then will I truely be ready for a relationship, if one happens to come along.
My recovery has taught me soooo much. I do not want to lose an ounce of that. It has really been a blessing.
One important thing I have learned is that my emotions are NOT connected to anyone elses. He can be happy and I can be sad, I can have a good day, even if someone else is having a bad day. I must keep this in mind. Keep my plan in place.
We alcoholics are manipulative. We will say whatever we have to say to avoid losing things. Words don't matter, focus on actions.
Unless the person has shown recovery - measured both by not drinking and by developing the life coping skills for the underlying problems - view the words as they are - a nice compliment for today, but not a reason to put your life back into a tailspin for tomorrow.
Unless the person has shown recovery - measured both by not drinking and by developing the life coping skills for the underlying problems - view the words as they are - a nice compliment for today, but not a reason to put your life back into a tailspin for tomorrow.
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