brundle

As many of you know my AH doesn't know that I'm suppose to sign a lease on a place THIS week. As far as I know he knows nothing. He comes crying to me that he wants to make 'us' work... blah blah. (He was really crying) Buys me gifts ect. (I can hardly remember the last time he bought me something I really wanted). I did try to talk with him a bit to see where the heck his crazy head is.

I get that he doesn't want to loose me. He's trying to be nicer. We really didn't get to talk about the alcohol; he flipped about stupid stuff. His usual childish knee jerk reaction to trying to talk. I would have loved for the chance to say "If you don't get into a program and get some help there is no hope for 'us'". That would just make me feel better, you know because my plan was to leave without him knowing anything and I hate all the lying. That way I feel I was putting it out there that I couldn't live with the active addiction. So on some level I could feel I had told the truth; believe it or not I've never been able to tell him that. I think the most I've said is the beer and the pot are deal breakers for me, then he starts defending himself to the point I eventually quit bringing it up. (You know it gets mean)

The way it's playing out now it will be the kind of thing that he was trying and I just walked out. UGH!!! I swear he has the phone bugged...

I know I sound silly, but it's been hard planning on leaving while he's being "good"; now he's "working" on things. I know it's not real working, but still I feel like this is turning the screws. I always believed you didn't leave if the other person was willing to work on stuff. AND thanks to him I have to keep telling myself that if he's not willing to deal with the real issues; it's not working.

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from or do I sound like a ranting codie? No matter what thanks for the vent... UGH!!!!!!

trapeze

For what it's worth, I understand.

Kindeyes

When the A is in active addiction, they will say and do anything to get their way. They will tell you what you want to hear. They will be charming and sweet. The will do anything to keep you in the insanity with them. They won't address the real problem. They won't take responsibility for the damage their addiction has caused to the relationship. It's always always always someone elses fault. It's just the way they work. It's a circle game. Round and Round and Round.

Most of us have dealt with what you are dealing with....it is so common. I am sometimes amazed at how similar all of the stories are. It can make a totally rational, intelligent person completely crazy.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs

Learn2Live

Yep, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Lose the guilt. It's poisoning you.

MissFixit

Remember the merry-go-round?

Startingover2

Ugghhh..the dreaded merry-go-round. Around and around until you are so dizzy you get sick. Sadly you have to jump off to save yourself.....AH will not kick you off. He is holding tight trying to keep you there.

Chrysalis123

Yes, remember the merry-go-round and play this tape all the way through. And I mean all the way through. Sure, he's trying his best now because he senses the end is near. What has his past behavior shown you about how he will respond if you go back to him? Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

If you move out now and begin your new life there are no rules saying you can never get back with this man. Perhaps he will decide on his own to seek sobriety and emotional health and you will see this through his actions and behaviors.

Take care of yourself now, without magical thinking.

Taking5

It is not hard to bug a phone. I did it during my drinking days.

Good advice here, just move forward. If he is real about getting sober he'll do it for himself regardless if there is an "us". If he stays sober for a couple of years, who knows? But now is the time to move forward.

peaceteach

You don't have to wait one more day to feel that the decison you made is the right one. You just have to trust yourself that YOU deserve a calm, consistent, nurturing life that right now, only YOU can give yourself. Your job in life is NOT to save that man, but to provide for yourself a place where YOU can grow and mature into the person you want to be and deserve to be.

It's hard to remember this when a crazy person is trying to drag you into their craziness. Resist the temptation. Keep your plan. There is never really a good day to "quit" an addiction (your addiction to this man) but you just have to suck it up and do it, because you know it is the healthy thing to do for yourself.

I believe in you. I believe your HP is guiding you with the new place. I hope you sign the lease and break away from this person who will take you down with him. You don't have to spend another day, week, year, decade learning this lesson. You already have learned it. Good luck.

laurie6781

Can you say MANIPULATION/

Whether he has bugged the phone or not, he probably senses a change in you and has once again fired up the roller coaster of drama and chaos in an attempt to get things back the way they were for him COMFORTABLE.

You NEED to do for you what you need to do. Right now that seems to be to get away, to get some peace and quiet, so you can have some serenity in your life, with no roller coasters, no merry-go-rounds, and no manipulation.

I know it is hard, but try and keep your eyes focused on you and YOUR NEEDS and these next few weeks will fly by and you will be in your new place.

Keep posting, we do care, and we may not be actually there we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from or do I sound like a ranting codie?

Yup, I understand. And it is codie to be swaying in my decisions based on what another person is feeling or how another person is reacting! When I am solidly on my side of the street and doing the next right thing for myself then it does not matter whether another person disapproves, tries to charm me, rages, etc. I can see all that and accept all that, but it doesn't change what's going on inside ME, and it needn't sway my convictions which have been well thought out and planned.

Stay strong brundle, great suggestions in all these posts for handling this see-saw behavior on his part....words are just words - and crying is just a whole lot of salt water-- his actions tell you everything you need to know.

peace-
b

neecey1224

Its OKAY for you to need to have your own space while he is "working" on it - for your own peace and serenity. Not everyone can be in the same space with their A while the A is working on recovering, and that is OKAY. It doesn't mean you are closing a door. It means you need your OWN space so you can work on your OWN recovery and emotional health. You are ENTITLED to that. And if being in the same space as an A causes so much chaos and pain that it prevents you from working on yourself, then you absolutely need and deserve your own space. Nothing is preventing the A from continuing to work on himself and to continue to work on treating you better - just because you aren't in the same space anymore. In fact, if he quits working on himself and on treating you better just because you left the space, that will say a lot....and you having distance and being able to observe from a distance will help you a lot.

brundle

Thanks all... It was just that he isn't working on getting sober; that's not something he thinks he needs or something I can even tell him he needs. It seems we can never hit that point. Our 'talks' all short out before that point. His idea of 'working' on things is just being nicer, more supportive, ect.. That's why I said he's not really working on any of our really issues... Like his drinking...

In fact I'm sure if asked he would deny even knowing I would like him to quit drinking and get help.

I feel his timing is awful and that he switched gears after months of verbal abuse is just perfect. Almost as if he was given a heads up...

transformyself

Girl I am RIGHT HERE with you. My AH is calling me on breaks, being super sweet and charming. Yet I know he's on dating sites, "winking" at blonds with big boobs. It takes a great deal of energy to keep focused on reality, at least it does for me, or I feel panicked that I"m missing out on...on what I dont really know because I"m so freaking tired of feeling unloved and unappreciated and abused by him.

This mantra helps me:

I am leaving him now
It is my choice
I am free of him and his toxic behaviors
All of this is for my greater good.

Keep packing. Stay distanced from him emotionally and wait for the switch to get thrown again. He'll come at you all nasty again, it's just a matter of time

URMYEVERYTHING

If you think the timing is awful... then you fall back yourself. The timing couldn't be any better.... he's in the same place and you have the opportunity to make your exit. Best of luck. Just as he has to make the decision to seek treatment, you make the decision to continue on this merry go round.

((HUGS))

ItsmeAlice

It absolutely amazes me how they can switch gears so easily to get what they want but aren't capable in any way of switching gears to give us what we want.

You made the decision to leave for very good reasons. Those reasons still exist, don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

Hang in there and keep moving forward. You can do it!!!

justsomegirl

About bugging the phone - That rang a bell in my head. Beer and pot was husbands problem as well. He often used the excuse that its just pot...it could be worse...anyways. The thought that popped into my head was that as co-dependants we become so predictable that they know what our next threat, rant or fight will be.

Learn2Live

I agree with girl. We are very predictable in our reactions.

MeHandle

Me thinks he 'has a feeling' his time has come, :-), and he hopes he is in the 11th hour when brundle has past the 12th, :-).