I was doing OK until...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
I was doing OK until...
Hello again and thanks for all the wisdom strength and humor shared here. My husband of 27 years is filing for divorce from me...4 kids, youngest just went to college in August...2 counselors have suggested he suffers from depression (he agrees) and uses alcohol to self-medicate (he agrees), but he will not get help of any kind. He believes that "if I can get away from you, after a period of self-loathing, I will be happy." That's word for word. Tonight I am struggling. He sent his financial data to his atty yesterday and will propose a settlement agreement next week. I can't believe that he is breaking this family apart without trying what professionals and ALL his friends have asked him to do.
ALL our friends have embraced me and the kids and brought us into their families in so many ways...and he has stopped any meaningful contact with the "men of character" who were his friends because they all told him he this is a mistake, he will regret it. He spends his time with the regulars at the bar at the country club and a few other hang-outs; and rumors are he is having an affair with a 30-year-old in our office.
I was doing OK until I got an email from him. He apologized for taking so long to get the numbers together and for the first time I unleashed a paragraph in response suggesting he save his apologies for those he wants to keep in his family (like our kids), as opposed to me, who he is throwing out of his family. Yikes! I know, some pain leaked out. He sent back a berating email and I've lost my peace (or at least my version of it). Can somebody talk me down from this emotional cliff?
ALL our friends have embraced me and the kids and brought us into their families in so many ways...and he has stopped any meaningful contact with the "men of character" who were his friends because they all told him he this is a mistake, he will regret it. He spends his time with the regulars at the bar at the country club and a few other hang-outs; and rumors are he is having an affair with a 30-year-old in our office.
I was doing OK until I got an email from him. He apologized for taking so long to get the numbers together and for the first time I unleashed a paragraph in response suggesting he save his apologies for those he wants to keep in his family (like our kids), as opposed to me, who he is throwing out of his family. Yikes! I know, some pain leaked out. He sent back a berating email and I've lost my peace (or at least my version of it). Can somebody talk me down from this emotional cliff?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I'm going through the same thing, and all I can say is that no contact, no contact, no contact will give you the peace of mind you need. You will suddenly realize one day...oh, I was upset about this? Best thing that ever happened to me! For me, it happened after a few weeks of no contact. I found one of my old journals and read through it and was so shocked at how much I'd put up with. And in the end, HE was the one who left! It's actually hilarious. One thought that really helped me was realizing that my Higher Power had done for me what I couldn't do for myself. I would have gone on being miserable forever. I was loyal to a fault. Now I see that I totally neglected myself all that time, and I get to live the life I want to live now!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Thanks, Wanting. That helps. "Loyal to a fault" is a phrase that has been applied to me, more than once, I'm sorry to say! I also agree that God is doing me a favor--because of my faith, I shudder to think what would have had to happen for me to leave. No contact is difficult, as we still live in the same house (He has left me, but won't leave!). He is an atty, and started to leave, but stopped himself saying that "It's my house, too" so he sleeps in the basement (when he comes home), I go upstairs and, unfortunately our 23-year-old college graduate son (2nd oldest of 4) is living here too while the job search continues (he has a promising interview Oct 31, fingers crossed so he can get out of here). Also difficult no contact because I work in his law office LOL. But this is the first time I've answered an email in that way, and agree that I shouldn't answer at all.
This hurt is just so raw. We worked so hard to build this family and he can pull it apart so easily...and trashing me to 2 of the kids.
It is so difficult to not fight back but just to trust...trust God, trust my kids and just be Mom, trusting that they see or will see what's going on.
Does the hurt at least fade?:praying
This hurt is just so raw. We worked so hard to build this family and he can pull it apart so easily...and trashing me to 2 of the kids.
It is so difficult to not fight back but just to trust...trust God, trust my kids and just be Mom, trusting that they see or will see what's going on.
Does the hurt at least fade?:praying
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
The hurt does fade. It helped me to see the person I fell in love with as a separate person from the person who hurt me. I even wrote him a eulogy. When I see him in person, I see the person who I never knew. It does get easier.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
For me the hurt did fade with time. Do you have a counselor? I found individual counseling a godsend when I was dealing with my 18 year marriage coming apart.
What can you do today to take special care of you?
What can you do today to take special care of you?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
NewChapter, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.
My HP also stepped in a month ago and my abf left me. I would have stuck in there, trying to make it work for a long time if something hadn't happened entirely out of my control. I know I should be grateful, and I am sometimes, but I still go through a lot of grief.
I also have to have contract with him because we run a business together, although I don't have to actually see him because I can go in when he's not there. Oh and mine is also messing around with younger women... Not a nice feeling.
My therapist describes our continued contact as "repeatedly scraping the scab of a wound".
But anyway, hang in there. You are not alone. There are lots of people on SR who have gone through similar experiences. By the way, do you have your own lawyer? I'm sure you know all about this area, but it did make me feel better when I spoke to someone for the first time yesterday who was there to represent and protect ME.
HUGS.
My HP also stepped in a month ago and my abf left me. I would have stuck in there, trying to make it work for a long time if something hadn't happened entirely out of my control. I know I should be grateful, and I am sometimes, but I still go through a lot of grief.
I also have to have contract with him because we run a business together, although I don't have to actually see him because I can go in when he's not there. Oh and mine is also messing around with younger women... Not a nice feeling.
My therapist describes our continued contact as "repeatedly scraping the scab of a wound".
But anyway, hang in there. You are not alone. There are lots of people on SR who have gone through similar experiences. By the way, do you have your own lawyer? I'm sure you know all about this area, but it did make me feel better when I spoke to someone for the first time yesterday who was there to represent and protect ME.
HUGS.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hey Free, reopening of wounds is right. Its been a year seeing an ex daily, working with him and running into him with his partner that he got about two weeks afterwards. The pain was incredible! There were bets as to when I was going to resign. LOL. Well I am still here and I am glad I did not lose a good job just because a jerk is a jerk.
Thanks to a therapist and SR I was able to see what happened for what it is, an alcoholic protecting his addiction. She told me I was rejected by an ex, but I also rejected his friends, his activities (drink everyday).
She also told me I missed him as a friend, not as a boyfriend, mainly so that helped me see I was not insane for missing a person that hurt me in several ways.
Separating Jekyll from Mr Hyde, writing the eulogy and see the person as two different entities helped me a great deal too. When I thought about them as enmeshed it was very confusing. When I was thought he was a poor victim of alcohol I was doomed.
I mourned the Jekyll side, the friend, the good moments. And I know Hyde says and acts in a way that is toxic and destructive to my soul, that is the body wandering out there, a stranger I want to be far away from.
NewChapter you will smile again and pain will fade... mourning is natural... have you read the Grief club by Melody beattie? Highly recommended reading and covers many types of losses. I think losing someone with drink problems is way worse than separating yourself from a "normal" person. Mourning is complex and that is why we need alanon, therapy, SR, and whichever means we got to remind ourselves we are worthy, all what happened was real, our feelings and pain are real and valid, and no.. it is not in our hands to solve it, cure it and we could not have prevented it... even if everyone else around us is in denial.
HUGS!!
Thanks to a therapist and SR I was able to see what happened for what it is, an alcoholic protecting his addiction. She told me I was rejected by an ex, but I also rejected his friends, his activities (drink everyday).
She also told me I missed him as a friend, not as a boyfriend, mainly so that helped me see I was not insane for missing a person that hurt me in several ways.
Separating Jekyll from Mr Hyde, writing the eulogy and see the person as two different entities helped me a great deal too. When I thought about them as enmeshed it was very confusing. When I was thought he was a poor victim of alcohol I was doomed.
I mourned the Jekyll side, the friend, the good moments. And I know Hyde says and acts in a way that is toxic and destructive to my soul, that is the body wandering out there, a stranger I want to be far away from.
NewChapter you will smile again and pain will fade... mourning is natural... have you read the Grief club by Melody beattie? Highly recommended reading and covers many types of losses. I think losing someone with drink problems is way worse than separating yourself from a "normal" person. Mourning is complex and that is why we need alanon, therapy, SR, and whichever means we got to remind ourselves we are worthy, all what happened was real, our feelings and pain are real and valid, and no.. it is not in our hands to solve it, cure it and we could not have prevented it... even if everyone else around us is in denial.
HUGS!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Thanks to all of you. Yes, I do have a great counselor (called late last night to move up my next appointment) and an atty I trust. Also this morning received a "message" during prayer that I am not being "thrown out of the family he and I built" but he is voluntarily leaving it. He is the one on the outside, not me. His family continues to be more than supportive of me and the kids.
Even though I've known all this in my head for a while, I guess the fact that he and his atty will be putting together his proposed settlement agreement this week and will get it to me and my atty the week of the 26th caused me to freak out a bit. It is now real and has a date attached to it.
I've also regressed into trying to "fix" this past week, sending him a letter asking him to please address the pain he acknowledges he has, and forwarded an article re irritable husband syndrome and mid-life marriage meltdown (if you Google it, it describes my story EXACTLY). So frustrating.
But I'm feeling a bit better this morning, thanks, and will stop trying to control and fix his stuff and will continue to focus on me. If it looks like he'll be home today, I'll go shopping for fabric for curtains for my new place. If he leaves the house, I'll go downstairs and do my laundry.
Even though I've known all this in my head for a while, I guess the fact that he and his atty will be putting together his proposed settlement agreement this week and will get it to me and my atty the week of the 26th caused me to freak out a bit. It is now real and has a date attached to it.
I've also regressed into trying to "fix" this past week, sending him a letter asking him to please address the pain he acknowledges he has, and forwarded an article re irritable husband syndrome and mid-life marriage meltdown (if you Google it, it describes my story EXACTLY). So frustrating.
But I'm feeling a bit better this morning, thanks, and will stop trying to control and fix his stuff and will continue to focus on me. If it looks like he'll be home today, I'll go shopping for fabric for curtains for my new place. If he leaves the house, I'll go downstairs and do my laundry.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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NewChapter: what a perfect name you have for what lies ahead of you.
I can relate to your feelings as my DAH also went into alcohol meltdown, but it was me who fled the scene, albeit in a state of shock and fear of my future on my own. I had 6 months in La La Land, barely functioning, til I got help to pick myself up and sorted my life out to what I wanted.
His comment about him not leaving because "It's my house, too", made me laugh. Let's face facts, the way they try and control and run everybody else, (because they have no control themselves} it is as if it had been ONLY their house. The other folk in it are there to cater for them, to clean up and shut up.
That message you got was spot on, it is his choice and decision to leave and abandon his family, whether he has a secret gf or is just totally off his head doesn't matter.
As to his rumoured affair, I suggest you take some action ASAP to find out for sure if he is cheating, as that could have a bearing on the final settlement.
He is going to have HIS settlement proposal sent to your atty, so now you can spend some time working out what you need, want and deserve in a settlement. At least have some ideas on it, then see what he comes up with in his proposal.
You will survive this heartache and upset, and come out the other side, but right now you need to work on taking it one step and one day at a time, concentrate on your well being and be as free of his quacking and manipulations as you can.
God bless
I can relate to your feelings as my DAH also went into alcohol meltdown, but it was me who fled the scene, albeit in a state of shock and fear of my future on my own. I had 6 months in La La Land, barely functioning, til I got help to pick myself up and sorted my life out to what I wanted.
His comment about him not leaving because "It's my house, too", made me laugh. Let's face facts, the way they try and control and run everybody else, (because they have no control themselves} it is as if it had been ONLY their house. The other folk in it are there to cater for them, to clean up and shut up.
That message you got was spot on, it is his choice and decision to leave and abandon his family, whether he has a secret gf or is just totally off his head doesn't matter.
As to his rumoured affair, I suggest you take some action ASAP to find out for sure if he is cheating, as that could have a bearing on the final settlement.
He is going to have HIS settlement proposal sent to your atty, so now you can spend some time working out what you need, want and deserve in a settlement. At least have some ideas on it, then see what he comes up with in his proposal.
You will survive this heartache and upset, and come out the other side, but right now you need to work on taking it one step and one day at a time, concentrate on your well being and be as free of his quacking and manipulations as you can.
God bless
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Thanks, Jadmack. I agree that I am getting ahead of myself again...one day at a time. I'm looking forward to my new chapter, but know I have to finish this one first.
I have learned so much about verbal and emotional abuse, narcissism, so many behaviors that so subtly do their damage over 27 years. It is so valuable to be able to come to SR to see that I am not crazy after all.
He is downstairs now, so I'll entertain myself a little by making a list of "What I won't miss...", a suggestion I read some time ago on SR. Already smiling as i think about it.
With all the challenges I have right now, I'm still the luckiest girl I know. May God bless all of us this week.
I have learned so much about verbal and emotional abuse, narcissism, so many behaviors that so subtly do their damage over 27 years. It is so valuable to be able to come to SR to see that I am not crazy after all.
He is downstairs now, so I'll entertain myself a little by making a list of "What I won't miss...", a suggestion I read some time ago on SR. Already smiling as i think about it.
With all the challenges I have right now, I'm still the luckiest girl I know. May God bless all of us this week.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by NewChapter 
Thanks, Wanting. That helps. "Loyal to a fault" is a phrase that has been applied to me, more than once, I'm sorry to say! I also agree that God is doing me a favor--because of my faith, I shudder to think what would have had to happen for me to leave. No contact is difficult, as we still live in the same house (He has left me, but won't leave!). He is an atty, and started to leave, but stopped himself saying that "It's my house, too" so he sleeps in the basement (when he comes home), I go upstairs and, unfortunately our 23-year-old college graduate son (2nd oldest of 4) is living here too while the job search continues (he has a promising interview Oct 31, fingers crossed so he can get out of here). Also difficult no contact because I work in his law office LOL. But this is the first time I've answered an email in that way, and agree that I shouldn't answer at all.
This hurt is just so raw. We worked so hard to build this family and he can pull it apart so easily...and trashing me to 2 of the kids.
It is so difficult to not fight back but just to trust...trust God, trust my kids and just be Mom, trusting that they see or will see what's going on.
Does the hurt at least fade?:praying
This hurt is just so raw. We worked so hard to build this family and he can pull it apart so easily...and trashing me to 2 of the kids.
It is so difficult to not fight back but just to trust...trust God, trust my kids and just be Mom, trusting that they see or will see what's going on.
Does the hurt at least fade?:praying
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Ya know... some may disagree... but I allow my ONE temper tantrum when I have been hurt to be able to say what I bottled up for so many years and then I move on because if it took me to have a temper tantrum then what I yelled at probably was a waste of my time... does that make sense? I don't know if I typed that out the way I'm meaning to say it.
So, all in all, we are all humans. We react. We learn and then we move on.
I agree with the other posters though.... from now on... no contact unless it's through the attorneys.
As far as what he chose.... alcohol vs. family... please, don't beat yourself up figuring out the whys. If you asked him... he couldn't even give you an answer that made sense and he's the one doing it.
Addiction makes no sense. Baffling disease it is.
Best of luck with your situation. Keep your head up.
So, all in all, we are all humans. We react. We learn and then we move on.
I agree with the other posters though.... from now on... no contact unless it's through the attorneys.
As far as what he chose.... alcohol vs. family... please, don't beat yourself up figuring out the whys. If you asked him... he couldn't even give you an answer that made sense and he's the one doing it.
Addiction makes no sense. Baffling disease it is.
Best of luck with your situation. Keep your head up.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
URMY: You said it just right. Thanks.
A good friend (and also a law partner of my husband's) said, "He's a dumb*** and has been an angry, unhappy jerk for years. You just haven't seen it because you didn't want to, or are so used to it....Just stop trying to keep him from being one. Everybody knows. Don't defend yourself against what he might say to or about you, don't explain to anyone. Keep your head up."
2 of his elderly aunts also wrote to me and included the same line: "Keep your head up."
So I will keep my head up and encourage all out there to do the same. We can and will get through it.:praying
A good friend (and also a law partner of my husband's) said, "He's a dumb*** and has been an angry, unhappy jerk for years. You just haven't seen it because you didn't want to, or are so used to it....Just stop trying to keep him from being one. Everybody knows. Don't defend yourself against what he might say to or about you, don't explain to anyone. Keep your head up."
2 of his elderly aunts also wrote to me and included the same line: "Keep your head up."
So I will keep my head up and encourage all out there to do the same. We can and will get through it.:praying
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