whyamistaying

I had plans and prayed and it didn't work out like I wanted.

AH's hearing for his second DUI was today. What I want and what he wants from this are 2 different things. He got 5 days in jail, $2,600 fine, $1,500 for DUI school, 1 year with a breathalizer attached to his car (when he can drive), and probation for 3 years.

My "plan" was that he was going to do community service. I told him I wouldn't pay his bills. Didn't when he went on a binge and didn't want to now. So he tried last night to get out of community service. I told him I was not using family funds. Then this a.m. he called from court to ask if he can make $50/month payments. I told him no.

So he calls from court and then says there is no community service. It is either jail in lieu of the fine for 30 days straight or pay the fine. He starts in on his he'll do jail time IF I WANT but then will lose his job. I told him that he can drink all he wants, but he is asking his family to pay the price and that isn't fair. I don't believe there is no community service.

We are at a standstill. He didn't come home any more "aware" that his drinking was a problem.

So...even when he does get his license back, from a pure financial perspective, it will cost about $300/month for insurance, $75/mon for the breathalizer just to drive and that is only to and from work and DUI school. We don't have an extra $400/mon just sitting around.

I am frustrated and mad and angry. I can kick and scream all I want that I don't want to pay the bill, but bottom line we are married and I guess if he choses to pay it I am on the hook and I am not happy about that.

For the record, this is just financially.....$8,500 for rehab....$8,000 in atty's fees for 4 legal matters related to drinking....$500 for 1st DUI school....$1,500for 2nd DUI school....$2,600 in fines for the 2nd DUI

And what has changed? Nothing. He still drinks. He bleeding us to death.

I am really ticked off that it didn't go the way I wanted it to.

LaTeeDa

A little like trying to swim with a big ole anchor chained to your leg, isn't it? I remember it well. Not only the "direct" costs like the ones you listed, but the indirect costs, too. Buying lunch or beers for his drinking buddies who were too broke to buy their own, replacing dishes and household items that he broke staggering and stumbling around, etc.

My life continued to get worse and worse until I shed that anchor. Have you had enough yet?

L

Still Waters

I had forgotten about some of those. A LOT of those.

URMYEVERYTHING

Unfortunately addiction NEVER gives us what we want. We have to take what we want. What is it that you want that you can have control over? His addiction and outcomes are not in your control.

Here is a list of my wants that I have control over:
I want safety for me and my child
I want peace in my home
I want to free of others financial responsibility
I want to be free of chaos
I want to be away from drugs and all that comes with it (needles, mood swings, illegal activity, on and on)
I want my sanity

I have a much longer list.... but you can see my point... these are all related to ME and what I will no longer allow.

((HUGS))

Free108

What an awful situation. I hope that you can get to a point of not being in a position of having to pay his debts.
I know that when I am really missing my XABF, I think about his first DUI and I'm glad that I won't be there for the second, which will come one day as he drives drunk at least 2 or 3 times a week.

Freedom1990

I spent years and years praying, and getting really angry with God that those prayers didn't get answered.

I had my director's wand, was sure I knew what was best, and that is what I demanded in my prayers.

It wasn't until I got into recovery for myself did I realize that never, not once, did I ever ask God for guidance; I was too busy telling him how to do his job.

The 3rd step prayer out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a beautiful one, one that I use all the time. It applies in every area of my life.

God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always!” (Big Book, 1st edition)

URMYEVERYTHING

AMEN! This is all I ask for now. I let go and let GOD.

Jazzman

How much more are you willing to bleed waiting for him to realizes his drinking is a problem .... for you?

Gypsy Feet

Have you had enough yet?

There is so much more, just waiting for you

hadenoughnow

It's not going to "go the way you want it to" until you let go and let him feel the consequences.

Are you done yet? He is not going to change until he is ready.

chrisea

I remember it well. Not only the "direct" costs like the ones you listed, but the indirect costs, too.

sometimes there are more of them, mine had 3, did jail time & still was drinking soon after getting out... I couldn't live like that anymore

whyamistaying

I have been "holed up" in my office with the door shut and my mind is racing. I read a few pages of "one day at a time" but I'm too mad for it to sink in.

I am mad about the finances because I am the "keeper" of the finances. He isn't there emotionally, spiritually, or physically for me, but he still does work so financially he is still "there" for me. And that is crumbling.

I'm so upset and crying isn't helping. It is easy to think of the finances because there aren't emotions tied to them.

Rehab was in March and now it is October. He has only been sober for 1 week after rehab (according to him). Every day he has been drinking. There is no way he won't get another DUI.

He has probation so I assume that means they can come to our house whenever. So that means I lose my privacy.

And when I think of leaving, I have to give up all hope of us one day being a happy family.

I have had enough and I called my mom and asked here why the heck wasn't I at the courthouse filing papers earlier today? Please tell me why. I am holding on to something and I don't know why I can't let go.

Tomorrow is a meeting at 10:30 a.m. I will go and he can watch the kids.

LaTeeDa

Again, the One Day at a Time concept can come in handy. Quit attaching "forever" to your decisions and they will get much easier. You have no idea what may happen in the future. All you need to concern yourself with is the present. I found that the future takes care of itself when you focus on the present. And, the funny thing is, when the future comes--it's the present!

L

Bernadette

And when I think of leaving, I have to give up all hope of us one day being a happy family.

But you aren't a happy family right now, today!!! "one day?" "one day???!!!!!" So it's not really "giving up hope" it's accepting reality.

Love makes a family.

I'm divorced - my exH even left the country and lived overseas for 6 years, and yet....

I made a very stable, and very, very happy family for me and my 2 sons. They are big now, college and high school (were 3 and 7 at time of divorce)...but we share wonderful memories from when they were little and our little family did everything that our little family did..with joy, and peace, and energy, and LOVE! But not much money I'll tell ya that! I wouldn't change a thing.

peace-
b

Learn2Live

Thank you so much for that post whyamistaying!

It's just one more reminder to me why I never have wanted to, and never will, get married.

I wish there was a way to mark this thread as a "Favorite" so I can come back to it in the future if I ever become delusional enough to want to marry someone!

Jadmack25

whyamistaying! Frankly I do not have a clue why anyone would stay with such a man, unless they were chained to him. I didn't know why you were staying when I saw your posts some weeks ago, and nothing has changed since then.

Really and truly nothing has changed since then.

He is still drinking himself, YOU and YOUR FAMILY into more s**t, and dumping you further into financial hell, and you are still together, and still asking WHY?

He isn't going to change his behavior anytime soon, so if there is to be any change for your kids and you, someone else needs to take action, and that is YOU.

Why are you staying on this runaway train to ruin?

How much worse does it have to get, before you decide it is time to jump?

He isn't just wrecking his life and future, he is wrecking the whole family, so when does enough become MORE than enough for you?

God bless

bookwyrm

You know, when I was at this stage of my relationship with STBXAH, my mantra became 'nothing changes if nothing changes'. You only have the power to change you. I hope you find the strngth and courage you need!:ghug3

whyamistaying

I needed to hear from you all on this thread. Thank you. I don't know why, but your first sentence jumped out at me. Thank you.

I know God heard my prayers, he just didn't answer them the way I want.

My meeting starts at 10:30...I will go and just listen.

I have had enough. It is so easy to focus on the $ for me because it is black and white....why the kids and I shop at the dollar store to save money and here he has racked up debts and refuses to pack lunches and NEEDS $60/week.

We still haven't talked and I was thinking there is really nothing he can say. He can promise AA meetings, but he has done that before and then just sneaks to buy beer afterwards. He can promise he won't drink...been there done that. He can promise till he is blue in the face, but the bottom line is that I am married to a criminal now...

What really discusts me and sickens me that he is not able to get himself to work at 42 years old. When it rained he started in on why he needs me to drive him to work because he can't take his bike in the rain or his hair will get wet. Then pouted when I said no.

Mostly, I am tired of living with someone who is a kid. I am tired of every discussion being about HIM and what he wants and never what most married people talk about. He doesn't ask about the kids or my day...just starts right in on himself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm going to focus on why the heck I am letting this go this way.

Learn2Live

I am so sorry that you have to manage the finances of your family alone and with this person making it harder for you! But I think you are doing a GREAT job of it! And you are standing your ground with this person so that you can make the best decisions for the health and well-being of your family. How awesome is that?!

If we continue to pay financially for the consequences of someone else's drinking and drugging, we enable them to continue to behave this way. I think your prayers were answered. God brought you this opportunity to strengthen yourself some more and to allow the alcoholic to realize the consequences of his sick behavior.

wanting

I was to reiterate what LTD said about the present and future. For me, it was so hard to let go of AH because I was so focused on forever. I don't know how I got over that, but I somehow finally realized that I was miserable today. If today was going to be my forever, I just couldn't do it anymore. I did hold on to a tiny shred of hope that maybe someday AH would get his act together, but I just couldn't wait around for it to happen. I was suffering too much. I really think that if you could get a few weeks of a life without him in your business every day, you would be able to see how happy you really can be.