veryregretful

I'm having a hard time posting so I changed the title to one word

my AH left yesterday on his own terms. It was sort of mutual. today i've had my ups and downs. I've cleaned, cried, cleaned some more, etc. Now I'm having doubts about him leaving. I keep thinking he is going to come right through the door.

I want to call him, but i'm not going to. i did that last time and look where that got me. back to the same place we were before. I know alot of these posts are rambling but I feel better once I type them.

i'm sad, anxious, don't know what to do with myself. i wanted to do something with my son but he just wants to stay home today. he's 14. i'll respect that. tomorrow we'll do something.

again, i want to call him. i want him to know i mean business so it would be ridiculous for me to call him. there is no way that i'm going to allow the chaos in my house again like that. it's way affecting the kids who are 14. they are most important to me.

thanks for listening!

whereisthisgoin

1. Start a private journal. I think it's important to keep a record of the insanity. If any of us living with alcoholics play this movie in fast forward, there's a chance of a permanent separation and we may have to be reminded of the bad times to help us through.

2. Think through what you are going to do when he comes back in that door. That would be the part that makes me really anxious. However, I think it's the fear of the unknown. If you know what your action is going to be, that may help ease the anxiety.

I would really encourage you not to call him. Try to enjoy the peace and quiet if you can.

How is your son taking this? Are you and your son discussing this?

naive

hi-

i second the opinion that you shouldn't call him.

it's really what is best for your AH. if there are no consequences to his drinking, he can easily continue to overstep your boundaries.

busy yourself, distract yourself and be gentle with yourself. why not do something that you enjoy? like have a long soak in the bath with some candles and essential oils .... pamper yourself a bit now that there is a bit of peace in the house...

do something for YOU. let a bit of time pass. if you're like me, you'll feel a whole bunch of different emotions come and go...that's healthy...let them come and let them pass...

tomorrow is another day. be kind to yourself tonight and don't call him and get sucked backed into the drama.

pennylane2009

I have issues with anxiety, too, and it's horrible. All I can suggest is ride it out, like a wave. It will subside, sooner than you think. Try to eat a little, or drink some fruit juice to keep your blood sugar up.

And breathe. You are doing the right thing. So strong!

Mandjas

You commented on my thread earlier and told me that my mother has lost her grandson due to HER choices as your AH has. Please hold on to that thought.

I was about ready to call her earlier but resisted and now I am ok. At ala-non they told me to take one day at a time and it's so true.

Stay calm, there's no rush, if he is drunk you will only be abused again. Why put yourself through that? See how you feel tomorrow and the next day and the next. Your kids need to see you being strong and protecting them from the madness.

All my very best wishes
Mandjas

veryregretful

me and my son are communicating. i am very open with him. he stated he didn't want his dad here unless he was sober and my daughter wants to punch him. last night my son said he felt relief. he was sad. but today he seems to be doing much better. it's me whose emotions are going everywhich way. i'm NOT going to call him at all. I'm going to wait for him to call if he calls. of course he'lll call. all his crap is here. i'm enjoying the peace and quiet. i do miss him but not the chaos. i know the difference. maybe i don't miss him. don't really know yet.

veryregretful

i was just talking with a recovering alcoholic and he was saying that these next few days he is just probably going to drink himself silly and i won't be there to catch him. hopefully he'll come to his senses and get help but i'm not going to hold on to that.

i'm glad you didn't call your mom. It's very hard but once the urge passes and you think what they are going to say to you it makes it much easier not to call. this is the hardest thing that i have ever done in my life.

thanks for replying. everyone has been very helpful!

GiveLove

The first few days of withdrawal are very hard for all addicts -- even us, addicted to a person. Lots of irrational thoughts fly through our heads.

I'm glad you're not listening to your irrational thoughts. Put them in a room and close the door while you go about rebuilding a happy life for yourself and your wise kids.

Keeping very, very, very busy helped me greatly.

Jadmack25

Try taking it day by day, or even hour by hour if you need to. Tell yourself, "Today I am going to concentrate on ME and the kids, and I will NOT let you take time in my head" or, "for the next hour I will do (whatever you want to do) and not think of you".

Journal why you are not happy with him around, and repeat over again, day by day.
List the things you DO want in your life, as well as those you don't.

Keep before you the thought of your kids not having to go thru the constant anger, abuse, fear and ugliness of HIS drunken rages and terrorising. Picture them as happy, calm and SAFE with you, as you want to be, happy, peacefilled, and content and not stressed out, miserable and being abused in front of them.

Give yourselves the gift of freedom from that ugly chaos, and your AH his freedom to live his way as he chooses.

Praying for you all.

God bless

veryregretful

i'm trying very hard to keep busy. it's only been 24 hours since i've talked with him. i brought all his stuff downstairs that was in the foyer. it made it easier for me when i walk by not to see it. i've done whatever laundry needed to be done including his. i'm not a vindictive person so i'm not going to give him dirty laundry.

i spoke with my girlfriend just a few minutes ago and she said my ah was there last night. as far as she knows he either slept in his (my) truck or went to someones house in the next town over. i got upset thinking that he slept in his truck. i have to remember that it is his decision to leave. not mine. i just had a crying jag. now i'm not just sad again.

i mentioned last night to him that it is my truck he is driving and i want the plates and i'll sell it to him for $1 and he can register and insure it himself. godforbid something happens while he is drinking and driving like a hit and run and they come after me because it is in my name. who will go to jail or get fined. me that's who. how would I be able to prove that I wasn't driving. he told my friend that i wanted the plates.

i asked when he first got here last night to talk and he didn't want to. he just yelled. then when my friend told him that we should talk he said he didn't want to talk after i mentioned i wanted the plates. he totally changed it around to make me look bad. i know it's his disease. it makes me so sad thinking he is sleeping in his truck but i'm not going to call and tell him to come here. nothing will change if i did that.

my son now has a friend over so I feel better. he sounds like he is having fun. they are playing xbox. kids are really resiliant. more resiliant than us adults.

i know i keep rambling i hope that is okay. later tonight i am also going to write in a journal i bought just to write about his alcoholism and our family life while he is drinking. my 14 year old daughter helped me pick it out. it's pretty and pink with ribbon.

i do have to admit that i'm checking on sprint.com to see what calls are being made to and from his phone. don't know why. he last phone call was at 1:00pm so i'm thinking his battery is dead and the charger is here. I do expect him to call and get it. I'll just leave it on the porch for him if he does so I don't have to see him and get even more upset. i feel like i'm a cold hearted b----h.

my son today told me he actually didn't care where he stayed. didn't matter to him whether it was in his truck, the street or someones house. that surprised me but after what has happened while he has been drinking my son is indifferent.

Should I have the kids text him and say "I love you" and maybe something else. don't know what else.

I value everyone's opinion and I wish I could contribute to other posts more.

Is it okay for me to just sit here and read SR and post for awhile instead of doing anything around the house. this gives me a little piece of mind and helps me he's gone for a good reason.

thanks again for replying and reading. any replies would be greatly appreciated!!!!!

i can smile a little. my cat think he''s a dog. when i let the dogs out the cat goes with them.. when the dogs come in so does the cat. i think the cat thinks he is a dog.

love you all!

veryregretful

i just read a post right before my last post and it reminded me of why we are seperated right now. Thank you and for this hour i'm going to read posts and reply if i can and this is for me. my son is good right now so i don't have to worry about him.

next hour, i may take a whirlpool that we just put in but i am afraid it might remind me to much of him since he, himself redid the bathroom. i think i'll try though and just close my eyes and relax. no bubbles cuz i couldn't find any but the warm water will be very relaxing. i may even cry or not. but it is for me.

Learn2Live

You are doing GREAT!

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i know i keep rambling i hope that is okay.

Of course it is OK if you ramble, ramble away. But to me it doesn't read like you are rambling.

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later tonight i am also going to write in a journal i bought just to write about his alcoholism and our family life while he is drinking.

It also helped me to make quick notes on my calendar of his behavior. He was so inconsistent it was literally like my head was spinning around and around on my body every time I would talk to him or see him. I had to do this on the calendar for a while so that I could clearly see the patterns. This kept me from going completely insane.

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I do expect him to call and get it. I'll just leave it on the porch for him if he does so I don't have to see him and get even more upset.

If he calls and you decide to talk to him and leave it on the porch, you may want to find out what else he thinks he is going to need for the next week or so, so that you don't have to keep doing this. Or, is there a place outside where he can come and get his stuff without having to call you? Like a locked shed or garage that he has a key to? Because him calling you every time he wants something out of the house can get very annoying and affect your serenity.

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i feel like i'm a cold hearted b----h.

I'm glad you are aware of your feelings. That's good. But take this one step further please when you are ready:

Your THOUGHTS &/or BELIEFS are connected to your feelings. In fact, they often dictate your feelings without you even knowing it. Here is a way to consciously change your feelings, especially those that keep reoccuring no matter what you do.

Often, I have to ask myself, "Why do I feel this way?" or "What in my past experience or history is creating this feeling?" or "What are my expectations about this particular situation that is upsetting me?"

So, for instance, in the case, "I feel like a cold-hearted b---h" (I'm making ALL of this up now, so please don't think I am saying anything about you here) I discover that the thoughts and beliefs behind my feelings is:

"I feel this way about myself because my husband has to sleep in the truck. It is my fault that he has to sleep in the truck; he asked me to sleep in the house and I said no. None of my friends who I respect would make THEIR husband sleep in the car. If I were a better spouse, I would not do this sort of thing. If I were just good enough, skinny enough, wealthy enough, young enough, blonde enough, tall enough, etc, he would love me more and care about me more and stop drinking. And then we could have a good relationship and the whole family would be happy again."

Once I've found what I think is my answer, I let myself sit with it a while. Then, I might read one or two books about it (basically I research the topic specifically looking for the healthier alternative, or I talk to a friend, or get feedback on SR, in order to find a new perspective, a new way of seeing things, a new way of looking at it. Basically, I'm looking for THE TRUTH.

Then, every time I find those same feelings coming up or every time I find myself thinking the OLD way, I consciously tell myself to stop thinking that way, and think the NEW way. Usually it takes a good week of self-conditioning after I have become aware of HOW I think and WHY I think that way, and WHAT my new preferred way of thinking is. This is one way of "working on myself." Owning my side of the street.

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Should I have the kids text him and say "I love you" and maybe something else. don't know what else.

I would not do this myself, unless the kids ASKED me for help with it.

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Is it okay for me to just sit here and read SR and post for awhile instead of doing anything around the house. this gives me a little piece of mind and helps me he's gone for a good reason.

Of course it's okay, read away! Reading what other folks have gone thru and are going thru validates us. We all need that. Especially when we have spent so much time with people who are incapable of validating others in a healthy manner.

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i can smile a little. my cat think he''s a dog. when i let the dogs out the cat goes with them.. when the dogs come in so does the cat. i think the cat thinks he is a dog.

This is too funny! Thank you for sharing and giving me that smile; I had another blow up with my boss today!

URMYEVERYTHING

Wow! Even addiction has affected the cat. He doesn't know if he's coming or going. LOL. Glad you can smile in all of this chaos. Those small things will be more present as you heal and the clouded vision clears.

Keep truckin along and keep your head up.