The (1st) Al Anon discussion with AH
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The (1st) Al Anon discussion with AH
My AH finally calmed down enough that I agreed to talk to him. It was killing him not knowing where I'd been most of the nights this week for an hour and a half at a time. I wasn't NOT telling him in order to punish him, but I was trying to enforce a new boundary-- that I would not be COMMANDED to answer his questions on his terms when he wanted it, but that I would be fine with having a conversation in person that did not involve insults or threats.
As soon as I said I'd been to Al Anon meetings his response was WHATS THAT. I told him I might have trouble vocalizing it in a way he could totally understand but that he could read the pamphlets I brought home. He didn't want that, he wanted to hear it from me. I told him that basically it was a place for people to go who had someone close to them with an issue with alcohol... I said it was a place to get help for myself and to learn how to deal with my life and the situations around me, and that it wasn't about him.
He immediately, as expected, shouted that he was NOT an alcoholic (even though he admitted it last week for the first time, he wasn't really ready to give it up). He then proceeded to frantically tell me that he had been talking to all these people at work, FIFTEEN apparently made the survey (yeah, right.. exaggerate much?) and they all told him that he was perfectly normal. Apparently he told them how he has "a couple beers" when he's lonely and really upset about something, or that he likes to have a "few drinks" at the end of the night / a hard day's work / when he's doing yard work, etc. I didn't even care what he was saying because it was so obvious to me that "a couple beers" to him is like 6 - 10 at times. He had always used that phrase, just as he used the phrase "a quick cigarette" as if he was going to smoke it really fast this time, minimizing the amount of time I had to wait for him to return to what we were doing. It's so ANNOYING. This reminded me of a post on here where someone said -- the friends that thought the A didn't have a problem all had one thing in common-- those were the friends the A DRANK with. And, my AH has already told me all the people in his office are big drinkers and partiers, which was a source of concern for him at first when he was trying to cut down his drinking. Now it's a solace I guess.
Anyway.. he then told me that I had MADE HIM THINK HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. He said "I don't think you need to go to these meetings."
I just said, "Ok. You are allowed to think or feel whatever way you want. That has no bearing on whether or not I'm going. It's for ME not for YOU. " I told him that his feeling did not change the way I felt. I told him it wasn't a prerequisite for him to feel that he was an A in order for me to go to meetings. This whole thing was very frustrating and flustering to him, but amazingly I felt peace. I wasn't trying to tell him how to feel, I wasn't trying to use these meetings to make him feel bad or to make him admit he had a problem.
He asked, so is this where you've been at ALL WEEK? Yes, I said, and I'm going to another one tonight. He just sort of flopped on the couch in defeat and I gathered my things, said have a good evening, and left for the meeting. It was a really good one tonight too! I enjoyed it, and for the first time I didn't leave with a headache from trying to hold back tears the whole time.
This morning, he made me a coffee for the first time in a long time. It looked like he MAY have read a page or two on al anon's website that I left open on the computer after looking up my meeting location. I didn't say anything about it and neither did he. I got an email from him this morning however that had a subject line "Brave" and said, "Good for you going to meetings to try and better yourself. Have a good day."
It made me happy, but I didn't get all worked up over it. The reality is that he seemed sincere and he told me to have a good day, both of which are nice. Good enough, end of thought process... no guessing. I never know what he's really feeling so I took it in and then let it go. I told a friend about the email / situation and she freaked out like, oh my god, he thinks you are the one who needs to fix yourself and doesn't realize it is all because of his problems!
I told her, no.. he's right in what he said. I am going to try to better myself. That's what it's about. Whether he meant that he thinks it's all my problem or not isn't a concern to me. And going to the meetings isn't about me focusing on his problems, but focusing on how I respond to them. Feels good to be moving forwards instead of backwards.
As soon as I said I'd been to Al Anon meetings his response was WHATS THAT. I told him I might have trouble vocalizing it in a way he could totally understand but that he could read the pamphlets I brought home. He didn't want that, he wanted to hear it from me. I told him that basically it was a place for people to go who had someone close to them with an issue with alcohol... I said it was a place to get help for myself and to learn how to deal with my life and the situations around me, and that it wasn't about him.
He immediately, as expected, shouted that he was NOT an alcoholic (even though he admitted it last week for the first time, he wasn't really ready to give it up). He then proceeded to frantically tell me that he had been talking to all these people at work, FIFTEEN apparently made the survey (yeah, right.. exaggerate much?) and they all told him that he was perfectly normal. Apparently he told them how he has "a couple beers" when he's lonely and really upset about something, or that he likes to have a "few drinks" at the end of the night / a hard day's work / when he's doing yard work, etc. I didn't even care what he was saying because it was so obvious to me that "a couple beers" to him is like 6 - 10 at times. He had always used that phrase, just as he used the phrase "a quick cigarette" as if he was going to smoke it really fast this time, minimizing the amount of time I had to wait for him to return to what we were doing. It's so ANNOYING. This reminded me of a post on here where someone said -- the friends that thought the A didn't have a problem all had one thing in common-- those were the friends the A DRANK with. And, my AH has already told me all the people in his office are big drinkers and partiers, which was a source of concern for him at first when he was trying to cut down his drinking. Now it's a solace I guess.
Anyway.. he then told me that I had MADE HIM THINK HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. He said "I don't think you need to go to these meetings."
I just said, "Ok. You are allowed to think or feel whatever way you want. That has no bearing on whether or not I'm going. It's for ME not for YOU. " I told him that his feeling did not change the way I felt. I told him it wasn't a prerequisite for him to feel that he was an A in order for me to go to meetings. This whole thing was very frustrating and flustering to him, but amazingly I felt peace. I wasn't trying to tell him how to feel, I wasn't trying to use these meetings to make him feel bad or to make him admit he had a problem.
He asked, so is this where you've been at ALL WEEK? Yes, I said, and I'm going to another one tonight. He just sort of flopped on the couch in defeat and I gathered my things, said have a good evening, and left for the meeting. It was a really good one tonight too! I enjoyed it, and for the first time I didn't leave with a headache from trying to hold back tears the whole time.
This morning, he made me a coffee for the first time in a long time. It looked like he MAY have read a page or two on al anon's website that I left open on the computer after looking up my meeting location. I didn't say anything about it and neither did he. I got an email from him this morning however that had a subject line "Brave" and said, "Good for you going to meetings to try and better yourself. Have a good day."
It made me happy, but I didn't get all worked up over it. The reality is that he seemed sincere and he told me to have a good day, both of which are nice. Good enough, end of thought process... no guessing. I never know what he's really feeling so I took it in and then let it go. I told a friend about the email / situation and she freaked out like, oh my god, he thinks you are the one who needs to fix yourself and doesn't realize it is all because of his problems!
I told her, no.. he's right in what he said. I am going to try to better myself. That's what it's about. Whether he meant that he thinks it's all my problem or not isn't a concern to me. And going to the meetings isn't about me focusing on his problems, but focusing on how I respond to them. Feels good to be moving forwards instead of backwards.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Great post and one I needed to read. I have no experience dealing with alcoholism except for what we are going through right now. I plan to go to an Al-anon mtg next week and my AH will come unglued. He doesn't think it's anonymous. He'll want me to go to one far away but again, this is about me - I'll go where I want. If he didn't drink, I wouldn't have to go!
I hope you have rewarded yourself in some small way for doing the right thing. Even if it just means looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "Good job!"
Please keep posting about your progress. It is very helpful.
I hope you have rewarded yourself in some small way for doing the right thing. Even if it just means looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "Good job!"
Please keep posting about your progress. It is very helpful.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ohh this all sounds fantastic! I think you answered just the right thing and I'm glad you feel like you're making progress. Yay you!
And good for you for not making more out of his nice gesture this morning. You sounds very..."zen".
And good for you for not making more out of his nice gesture this morning. You sounds very..."zen".
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Thanks everyone. I hope I can hold up my "zenness" this weekend though.. I'm going on a weekend trip alone where we were supposed to spend it together, many hours away with a bunch of mutual friends to celebrate their engagement. I will have the hotel room to myself, which usually I enjoy if that was the original plan-- but I have to be a "single" girl in a place where everyone knows I have an H, so that will be hard to explain/ shrug off over and over again when people ask what's up.
What do you recommend saying? AH *is* sick right now, maybe I will just use that as the excuse, or is that me covering for him? I don't really want to tell the whole world we are fighting or what it's about, though I have told HALF the world already lol. Is it enabling to fudge the facts about why he's not here? What would you do?
What do you recommend saying? AH *is* sick right now, maybe I will just use that as the excuse, or is that me covering for him? I don't really want to tell the whole world we are fighting or what it's about, though I have told HALF the world already lol. Is it enabling to fudge the facts about why he's not here? What would you do?
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I suppose they don't NEED a reason, but it would be odd that he was RSVPed as coming and didn't show up. These are people I know fairly well so they probably would ask where he's at and why.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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How about an eyeroll and a hand wave and an "Ugh! Don't ask!! I'm just so happy to be here for Brad and Angelina!" That should silence most people - if they are really being nosy just insist "Seriously, I'd rather not talk about it right now, can you pass me another stuffed mushroom please!"
Have a good time. I love being in hotel rooms by myself! Makes me feel free and adventurous!
peace-
b
Have a good time. I love being in hotel rooms by myself! Makes me feel free and adventurous!
peace-
b
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Thanks. I went on a business trip ONCE. My AH was so flipped out that I would be spending 2 nights away from him, he actually convinced me that it would be an awful experience and convinced me to try to talk my way out of having to go to this training. Of course it didn't work. I tried to say, I have to go, it's my job. But he continued to whine and make my life miserable. I swear he was angry at ME for having a trip to go on. I think at one point he even tried to figure out if he could come with. I thought this was a bit overkill and was annoyed with it, but now I see just how insane it is.
I went on that trip and literally every 10 minutes he expected me to call. I had to keep logging online and checking if he was there, and if I walked away from the computer or 'disappeared' without saying what or where I was going, he would flip out on me. He was constantly saying how much he missed me, asking if I missed him, saying how much it stunk that I had to be there, then giving me the 3rd degree about who was there, what was my room like, were there guys there, who was I sitting with at meals, etc etc etc. OMG it was nutso.
I ended up having a few beers at the end of the night with a bunch of people at the seminar and then I proceeded to try to hide the fact that I did, in utter fear of his jealous anger. Since I didn't get back to my room until midnight, I had like 2304803928 messages and angry guilt-inducing IM's etc. For days after returning I was treated like the worst person in the world for going. He pretty much ruined the whole thing, making it way worse than it ever had to be.
I talked to a good friend of mine who travels for business frequently, sometimes every week for 4 days. She is happily married, at least from what I can tell! I asked her how she dealt with being away from her H during business trips and dealing with jealousy.. she just looked at me funny. She told me she found the trips to be like mini vacations, she didn't have a house to clean or dinner to cook when she was done with work those days.. she could work out at the gym and she went out with all the guys she worked with after work each night. She'd read books in her clean sheets in her hotel room and not worry about anything. She said they had no problems with it, it was just work, might as well enjoy your time, right?
I was so confused... it was a real eye opener. I can't believe how easily I was manipulated into thinking that something so mundane was something so traumatizing. The drama in my life is ridiculous.
Thanks to my friend / SR and Al Anon, I will be thinking of this getaway as a vacation and all that good stuff. My AH has been griping about the trip since it came up, on almost a daily basis, like how could they plan something so far away, so expensive, ug it's going to be awful. I can't believe they aren't even paying for our drinks at the dinner, etc etc etc.. I was getting sucked DOWN by that. I agree on some level, it's a haul, it's going to be pricey, but guess what-- we were already going, hotel paid for, trip planned, and there was no point to complaining any more.
I'm happy to say I'm going to get to enjoy something rather than dread it. And hopefully in the future, I'll learn to separate how *I* feel about things from how *HE* feels. I deserve to be happy and content, even if he can't find those feelings within himself.
I went on that trip and literally every 10 minutes he expected me to call. I had to keep logging online and checking if he was there, and if I walked away from the computer or 'disappeared' without saying what or where I was going, he would flip out on me. He was constantly saying how much he missed me, asking if I missed him, saying how much it stunk that I had to be there, then giving me the 3rd degree about who was there, what was my room like, were there guys there, who was I sitting with at meals, etc etc etc. OMG it was nutso.
I ended up having a few beers at the end of the night with a bunch of people at the seminar and then I proceeded to try to hide the fact that I did, in utter fear of his jealous anger. Since I didn't get back to my room until midnight, I had like 2304803928 messages and angry guilt-inducing IM's etc. For days after returning I was treated like the worst person in the world for going. He pretty much ruined the whole thing, making it way worse than it ever had to be.
I talked to a good friend of mine who travels for business frequently, sometimes every week for 4 days. She is happily married, at least from what I can tell! I asked her how she dealt with being away from her H during business trips and dealing with jealousy.. she just looked at me funny. She told me she found the trips to be like mini vacations, she didn't have a house to clean or dinner to cook when she was done with work those days.. she could work out at the gym and she went out with all the guys she worked with after work each night. She'd read books in her clean sheets in her hotel room and not worry about anything. She said they had no problems with it, it was just work, might as well enjoy your time, right?
I was so confused... it was a real eye opener. I can't believe how easily I was manipulated into thinking that something so mundane was something so traumatizing. The drama in my life is ridiculous.
Thanks to my friend / SR and Al Anon, I will be thinking of this getaway as a vacation and all that good stuff. My AH has been griping about the trip since it came up, on almost a daily basis, like how could they plan something so far away, so expensive, ug it's going to be awful. I can't believe they aren't even paying for our drinks at the dinner, etc etc etc.. I was getting sucked DOWN by that. I agree on some level, it's a haul, it's going to be pricey, but guess what-- we were already going, hotel paid for, trip planned, and there was no point to complaining any more.
I'm happy to say I'm going to get to enjoy something rather than dread it. And hopefully in the future, I'll learn to separate how *I* feel about things from how *HE* feels. I deserve to be happy and content, even if he can't find those feelings within himself.
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin 
I plan to go to an Al-anon mtg next week and my AH will come unglued. He doesn't think it's anonymous. He'll want me to go to one far away but again, this is about me - I'll go where I want. If he didn't drink, I wouldn't have to go!
Go to a meeting where you want - closer to home is always better. They seem to be at odd hours around my home/difficult to get to after work. It's all about what works for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi honour yourself-
i hope you have a good weekend trip with your friends and enjoy yourself. as for what to say to your friends, if they are your dear friends, you might want to share some with them.
i found once i started "hiding" my alcoholic's drinking and started speaking, i got a lot of support from people who cared about me. it doesn't have to be a big deal, i just said "he's drinking too much and its causing problems at home".
i felt much better being able to speak freely.
i hope you have a good weekend trip with your friends and enjoy yourself. as for what to say to your friends, if they are your dear friends, you might want to share some with them.
i found once i started "hiding" my alcoholic's drinking and started speaking, i got a lot of support from people who cared about me. it doesn't have to be a big deal, i just said "he's drinking too much and its causing problems at home".
i felt much better being able to speak freely.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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naive, I'm with you on that. Like I said-- I've told "half" the world.. but there are other people I don't feel like getting into it with. I agree, it did feel good to finally let it all out and get some support!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: South GA
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Originally Posted by honoryourself
What do you recommend saying? AH *is* sick right now, maybe I will just use that as the excuse, or is that me covering for him? I don't really want to tell the whole world we are fighting or what it's about, though I have told HALF the world already lol. Is it enabling to fudge the facts about why he's not here? What would you do?
If pressed,
"He had to go to a meeting at Nunya."
If they then ask what Nunya is, tell them that is is a really reputable business and they should go there sometime.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: 49th State
Posts: 41
Well here is one courtesy of my AAH:
When someone asks you something that you would rather not discuss you can always say:
"oh didn't I tell you?"
" no, you didn't."
"Well then, it's none of your business!"
Okay, I have not told my AAH that I am attending Al-Anon. When I first started about five weeks ago, it was too new and I felt too vulnerable. I have learned so much and feel like I have real hope for ME.
So, while at first I had no plans of telling him about it, now I think I will, WHEN the time is right. He has always been opposed, because we both thought that it was nothing more than a place to gripe about the A/A. But now that I know that it is definitely NOT about that at all, and it's pretty much all for me I think I will share it with him.
I love Al-Anon and I credit it with saving my life, literally! It's like a bubblebath for my soul!
When someone asks you something that you would rather not discuss you can always say:
"oh didn't I tell you?"
" no, you didn't."
"Well then, it's none of your business!"
Okay, I have not told my AAH that I am attending Al-Anon. When I first started about five weeks ago, it was too new and I felt too vulnerable. I have learned so much and feel like I have real hope for ME.
So, while at first I had no plans of telling him about it, now I think I will, WHEN the time is right. He has always been opposed, because we both thought that it was nothing more than a place to gripe about the A/A. But now that I know that it is definitely NOT about that at all, and it's pretty much all for me
I think I will share it with him. I love Al-Anon and I credit it with saving my life, literally! It's like a bubblebath for my soul!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm just so proud of you and your progress! Absolutely wonderful post. It brings back warm memories of when I made the same baby steps in my recovery.
I'm grinning from ear to ear thinking of you padding about a hotel room enjoying the quiet, maybe some room service, and some uninterrupted peace! You deserve it!!
Happy travels!
Alice
I'm grinning from ear to ear thinking of you padding about a hotel room enjoying the quiet, maybe some room service, and some uninterrupted peace! You deserve it!!
Happy travels!
Alice
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