tealover

The following advice I saw from Al-Anon:

"Refuse to be an enabler by comforting the alcoholic, calling their job, to lie etc. Instead you should say "That's your responsibility!"

I immediately fell in love with that quote, and envisioned myself screaming it over and over again at him (Like many here, the past 14 months I have been holding everything together; the finances, the house, the baby, etc.) And so I have been doing that very thing!!!

Last night my ABF he said one of the things he was looking fwd to about being sober (he is sober 2 weeks now) was getting his bank account together. Then he said I can balance it for him b/c Im very good with money. I said "No! Thats YOUR responsibility!"

He also asked me to help him pick out some pants at a store, and even to that I said "No! Thats your responsibility!"

He looks at me like I am a loon, because I say it so forcefully but I think it has become my motto now! It is definitely one of the top things I want to stick to for Step 1.

Thanks for reading.

honoryourself

YAY. I like that too. I will use that line in the future.


One thing I need to start saying is "Well then it's time to learn"
In all the "I don't know how" instances:
"I don't know how to find a doctor on your insurance"

But I do have to be careful-- I fear that if I stop doing ANYTHING for AH then he will stop doing ANYTHING for me... and I do like it better that he mows and trims the lawn, does the heavy lifting, etc. These are things I *could* do but I'd rather trade off some items. How do we balance saying "you do it yourself" with the reasonable splitting of responsibilities?

tealover

Thats a great question. My sense is that when it comes to household items of general responsibility (cleaning, mowing and all that) its fair you do some, he does some. But then for items for which every adult, whether alcoholic or married to one or not, should be responsible on their own, than those they must handle 100% themselves. To me, that involves maintaining a job, being a good parent, being responsible for their own physical and mental and emotional health. We could not really "help" them with those things anyway, no matter how hard we tried. Just my opinion though, and Im new so take it with a grain of salt!

Kindeyes

I use the line "That's your choice." with frequency. Using the words "your choice" reminds ME that the A in my life has choices and they are HIS choices. Not necessarily the choices I would make nor the choices I would make FOR him.....they are his choices. This also reminds him that there was more than one choice to be made and if he made one with a negative result.......it was directly related to the choice he made.

Sounds simple but it helps me keep things in perspective (which, as you know, is not easy when you are dealing with an A).