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I'm having a moment of weakness, the guilt trip is killing me. :c020: For those of you that don't know my story, my mother is an alcoholic and I have enforced no contact for the last two weeks, due to her taking my son out on a tandom bike and by a pond in the park while she had been drinking heavily and then having a screaming row with my dad in front of him. (I only know because he told me - oh he is 4 year's old by the way). After 18 long months of trying to help her get better and support her recovery I have been to my first ala-non meeting this week and learnt that Step 1. I am powerless over alcohol. I decided rather than just ignore her to wite a detachment with love letter to her, which was thoughtful but firm about my boundaries that I don't want her around my son when she has been drinking. I thought I was prepared for what ever reaction I got from this????:hitwithro I called my dad today to let him know to expect a letter from me, in case she decided not to show it to him and made out that I had attacked her. He said she is doing really bad, he doesn't think she is drinking but she's crying a lot, not sleeping and is really down. He is hoping that she goes to the doctor today and is very worried for her. I felt literally like my heart was breaking, knowing that she is in pain. I feel like I want to help her and ease some of that pain. I feel guilty because I have taken away the best thing in her life (her grandson). I do hope I can keep strong and have the courage to stick to my conviction. :a108: |
i feel for you. my ah husband left last night and he is also physically sick. i feel very guilty because he lost his house, his children, his wife. This was his choice. that's really all i have to say. i'm sorry for how you feel. |
After 18 long months of trying to help her get better and support her recovery I have been to my first ala-non meeting this week and learnt that Step 1. I am powerless over alcohol. You could not save her, cure her, or reason with her when you were living with her. You are not that powerful. None of us are. Putting yourself and your son back into the front row seats of her daily drama will not save her, cure her or control her behavior. It will only bring pain and suffering to yourself, your son and your husband. It is a tough choice to make, but you have made the healthy choice. (((hugs))) |
You're doing what's right for your son and your for your own mental health. You haven't taken away anything from her - remember that- she has given it all away to booze. If she chose sobriety and real recovery she could build a real relationship with her grandson. That is her choice to wake up to. That is the same choice we are all given! Doesn't make it easy, or less painful I know. A therapist told me once "Guilt seeks punishment." So finding ways to let go of the guilt will keep you from making rash or unhealthy decisions that will only end up punishing you...AlAnon helped me with that. (((((hugs))))) b |
Don't forget that she HAS the power to get out of that pain, if she chooses to make the right decisions. She owns that pain, you do not. It is her decisions that put her there, or get her out. Your decision is simply to protect your little boy. CLMI |
I'm really sorry about your situation. But it seems like in your heart and head you know that protecting an innocent 4 year old from this is the right thing to do. And it is. As a mom myself, I know that there is something in us parents that makes us do the right thing for our kids when if we were not parents, we'd choose differently. But thats a good thing, IMO! That is great you are going to Al-Anon. And I agree with what the others said - remember that she may be an addict with a disease, but she can choose to get help and if she wont do it there is nothing you can do. (Step 1) |
Ask her if she would want one of your friend taking her grandson around in the condition she was in. The rules you have in place for her are to protect you and your family. If she can't abide by those rules there should be consequences. Most addicts need a good hard slap of reality before they begin to wake up. |
Thank you all so much. I feel so insecure about this situation. I'm constantly seeking advice on whether my decisions are the right ones and second guessing myself. if I didn't have the wise words from you all, I would have beaten myself to with an inch of my life by now I reckon :skillet All I can hope is that I have a calm and happy weekend with my boys :c031: And take each day at a time! My I have learnt a lot the last few weeks |
Mandjas, Often times, when I feel "guilty" over a decision I have made that I know undoubtedly is the right one, I remind myself that I am making the decision based on what IS "Today". It isn't really "guilt"... what I am feeling is the emotion of sadness because I wish it didn't have to be so. I am not choosing the decision for no good reason. You know your Son is very important to your Mother, but her behavior has put you in a difficult position and hence, you have had to make a difficult decision. It's not against *her*, you love her, it's against her choice to take your Son out while being very drunk. I feel for you Manjas. |
I have now come to realise that impulsive decisions are my ruin. A few weeks ago I would have run round to see my mother and tried to 'sort it all out' like the hero that I am. I felt awful earlier and was very upset but I have now calmed down and so glad I didn't go ahead with compromising my boundaries. Still no contact and starting to chill out a bit. I am off to London tomorrow with hubby and son to see some old friends and have a nice meal. I intend on having some laughter and stop obsessing over how she is, or what she's thinking, or how the letter I sent to her was recieved. My husband deserves to have a rest from my miserable face too : ) |
I learned in AlAnon that whenever I felt that overwhelming need to DO something for one of my A brothers that it was a red flag for ME to STOP obsessing and DO nothing. To just take it easy and let the intensity of that urge pass....more is always revealed! Your trip to London sounds perfectly timed! Have a blast - it's such a great city! peace- b |
You haven't taken away anything from her - remember that- she has given it all away to booze. ....this meant a lot to me. My current situation is that although I have no human kids, I am a furmom and the friend I am trying to be supportive of, cares for my dog whilst I am at work. I had no idea she was alcoholic until 6 months into our friendship/dogcare, as she was dry during those months and only fell off the wagon again 2 months ago. My dog means the world to me. She is also a service dog, visiting a Care Home weekly. She brings joy to everyone whose life she touches in any way. She is very calming and healing to my friend but I am now accepting - albeit reluctantly - that the time is here when I am going to have to make that decision to remove her at any time my friend has been drinking. Which alas is most days. I am hoping that she will be able to see that my taking my dog away, is for ALL our sakes. For my dog's safety, for my peace of mind, and for her to realise that SHE is in control of and responsible for her own future, not anyone else. She has already said something vague but that made me wonder if she is in a kind of way begging for me to do this to her. That may sound strange; but she is a very caring lovely lady when she is sober, and I believe she genuinely cares about my dog and loves her enough to be afraid for herself that she may do her harm, even inadvertently. I admire you who have the courage to stand fast in your resolve over this kind of thing; and I shall be going there within the next few days, and taking my chance on whether it destroys the friendship or indeed strengthens my friend's determination to seek proper help for herself. |
Guilt is the worst thing ever! it makes me act in an impulsive unhealthy way, usually in my bf favour and hooks me in every time. I always fall for his sob stories, he knows how to manipulate me and push my buttons. I see myself as a nice caring person and I always want to help people. I do not want to cause anyone pain. I really feel for your situation, glad that you found al-anon. have a great trip to london, put yourself first for a change. You deserve it. summer |
Thank you all so much. I had a lovely time in London and only spent the odd occasion thinking about what is happening. I shared with my friends mother (my adopted mum) and she was very angry about the situation, said a few harsh things about my mom then we moved on. She spoilt me rotten for the rest of the weekend and it was so nice to be around a 'normal' family. My plan:
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