nodaybut2day

Things were going so well with STBX. Things were cordial, respectful and we were moving slowly towards getting our lease reassigned to him only. On my side of things, I'd gotten the ball rolling at work to change my work ID back to my maiden name. I wasn't sure about telling him, but then I slipped up when I mentioned that my insurance wouldn't cover him and my stepson anymore after we were separated. I guess he figured out that I had announced my separation at work, and was insulted by it. The whole "taking his name" thing was always a BIG DEAL to him, like I was abandoning my old family to join a new one. I've always kind of hated having his last name tacked onto mine, so once we were settled of separating, and once I saw that he wasn't wearing his wedding band anymore, I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.

STBX calls me in the evening, a few hours after he's supposed to be home to ask me why I had been so quick to announce that I was "single" to everyone at work. Truth be told, a few HR and tech people know, my office mate and a friend or two, but beyond that, I certainly did NOT stand up on my desk and shout to the world that I was ready for a roll in the hay. But, STBX interpreted the change of name that way.

When he brought it up over the phone, I was trying to remind myself in my head not to engage, not to get into an argument. I tried to think of a way to express my feelings and ended up just blurting out:

-"What's the problem? I don't think I owe you an apology or excuse."

-"Oh no? You don't?!! Fine, I'll see you Monday!!!".

Then he hung up. I tried to search inside myself for a sign of panic or stress, but it just wasn't there. I had the urge to call him back and tell him, baby, honey, that I was sorry...but I didn't. I mentally calculated that we are Thursday so he'd be gone *somewhere* for several days. Ah well. I should feel guilty, but I don't really. He'd stopped wearing his wedding band; he'd told me point blank that he had a very clear offer to sleep with a coworker but that he generously turned it down (for my sake or something). I figured changing my username and email at work wasn't a huge deal. Apparently I was wrong.

He called again later but I was nursing my daughter so I didn't answer.

Now I'm about to go to bed and I'm wondering if I've done or said the right thing. This is all some game right? He can "break up" with me on his own terms but if I dare to do something that pisses him off, it gives him permission to have a hissy fit.

Am I on the right path here?

Learn2Live

Yep. Like a dance. You get yourself out, then they try to draw you back in. Cuz they draw THEMSELVES back in. Can never make up their minds, constantly see-sawing, here one day, gone for five, back again, like there's a revolving door in the front of your house.

Yes. Movin' on in peace, no drama. Keepin' your serenity. See how he brings back the drama and all that dysfunctional crap?

You're good.

Jadmack25

You sure are on the right path, and not partnering him in his Quack Dance, was perfect.

Get used to him Hissy fitting quite often, when you do not do or say what HE thinks you should, as you have seen how he functions. He can say, do, go as he wants, take off his wedding ring, whatever. You are supposed to be sad and missing him, wanting him back and YOU AREN"T ACTING THE ROLE HE SCRIPTED FOR YOU.

OH!!! Dearie me, he is not a happy chappie.

Keep on doing what you have been, caring for baby and yourself, making a new, peaceful and Alkie free life for you both, and let him go bang his head.

As I posted before, when my ABF used to quack quack at me, I pictured him as laid on a platter, roasted and covered in gravy with orange slices on top, surrounded by roast vegies.

It is hard to really take a platter of Duck L'orange seriously.

God bless

Bernadette

One of the last things I let go of (and still sometimes I have a hard time with) is my codie fear of upsetting other people. Of their reactions. Of their feelings. Fear of "getting yelled at" and getting into an argument, and stirring up a lot of tension that would mean I have to walk on eggshells and that I wasn't going to be able to sleep because of racing thoughts about the incident, etc!

It took me a while but now I really do remember that people are allowed to react any way they want! It is simply not my problem if in doing the right, rational, or normal thing I tick somebody off. I know the truth, I don't need anybody to "see things my way." I do need to stand up and be heard and make myself clear, but I do that for me, and with no expectation of agreement - just of respect. If I AM out of line - I apologize. But in dealing with my A brothers I was always so afraid of being myself, every move, every word had to be calculated. It was all because I was afraid most of all to find out who I was and stand up for how I wanted my life to be.

Man, I do not miss those days or that feeling!! It was a reflexive thng too - at the same time I accepted that how other people reacted was not my problem - I was able to accept and be more responsible for my own reactions. I developed the skill of "not taking the bait!" "Hunh," "Oh," and "I see," became my standard reactions when dealing with toxic people. I freed myself from the need to engage and the need to be understood by crazy or drunk or hungover people!!

but beyond that, I certainly did NOT stand up on my desk and shout to the world that I was ready for a roll in the hay.

This made me LOL by the way!! What an image!!!

peace-
b

bookwyrm

This is something I'm still struggling with. Its such a whole new way of looking at the world.

nodaybut2day

Thank you for responding everyone. It really helped firm my resolve to stay detached in the face of his drama. Of course, it continued this morning. The fishing expedition never ends, it seems. (there should be a "fishing expedition" smiley...)

STBX called me this morning, to tell me why he was so upset last night. No glimmer of an apology for hanging up on me of course. He says that I never took his family name willingly and that I was probably quick to get rid of it because I'm seeing someone already. *sigh* I wonder if he's not the one seeing someone already. Ah well.

I responded that he had the right to his feelings and that I don't control that. I informed him that I wasn't seeing anybody nor did I have the desire to be with ANY MAN for a very long time because I'm quite tired of b.s. I probably shouldn't have gone into an explanation because he'll believe what he wants to believe.

He also informed me that he "found out" I've gotten back in touch with a former stripper-friend of mine that he made me "give up" two years ago because he felt threatened by her. I'd always regretted throwing away that friendship, so when he and I agreed to separate, I thought I'd message her and apologize for my actions. She was understanding and very willing to renew our friendship (I did this through Facebook). I didn't make a point of hiding the fact that we were friends again, so I guess STBX saw it on my Facebook page. He tried to goad me into another argument about how this friend is a ***** and how she exposed his son to her "johns" (long story). Again, I told him he was allowed to react how he wanted, that I didn't control him, and that I'd remove his son from my Facebook page to "protect him" from the evil ex-stripper friend.

Phew, this whole detachment thing gets tiring sometimes!

And just when I thought the drama was over...he emails me from his blackberry:
"You know the downside to you not admitting it now is that its really gonna suck for you later if you two get serious and you have to introduce him to me before he meets Alia."
Again, he's assuming that I've already jumped into another man's pants. Fun fun fun.

In the end, I'm GLAD he's acting this way. It's giving me the opportunity to recognize his patterns and see them for what they are. Now that I see them, I'm not afraid of them anymore and I honestly don't know how I couldn't see it before! It's also giving me the chance to practice detachment and remember WHY I refuse to continue with the relationship.

honoryourself

They think we are jumping into other beds because they know deep down that they are not providing us with the love and affection that we need. Maybe that's what they would do, out of spite. I find it sad every time my AH has a case of the 'crazy jealousies.' One time I got in trouble because I was a the physical therapist for my first appointment, and the whole process took almost 2 hours. Apparently doctor's appointments can't last that long. He went through the effort of looking up the hours online and determined that I was there past close. He should have realized the hours were appointment times, not closing times. But it's all so ridiculous anyway. He thinks I'm sleeping with a doctor or running around on him when I'm working out in a PT office? LOL. let him think that, fine. Not my problem!!

nodaybut2day

ugh Honor Yourself...you're reminding me of very similar situations with STBX. Karate lessons that lasted 2.5 hours made him fly off the handle because they just COULDN'T last that long. Voice lessons that went 15 minutes over were clear signs of my infidelity. And I played into his games. I stressed out when I saw his many messages on my cell phone. Heck I even had his initials tattooed on my lower back to prove that I was "his". Doh.

*sigh* anyone know a good tattoo artist in Montreal? I've got two little things I need covered up