Family Dynamics...
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Family Dynamics...
I am posting this here, because gee, I am not sure if or where what I need to express belongs.
My Dad was an alcoholic, sober 15+ years before he died. He and my Mom were married almost 50 years.
I am the eldest of three daughters, I am an alcoholic, and also co-dependent, (although currently sober, and working on co-dependency).
Since my Dad died...my Mom has had a very hard time, physically and emotionally. She had always been very independent, but, when Dad died she crumbled. Seems her detachment of the previous years, and co-dependent traits came back full force. She also became very self-absorbed. She acknowledges her shortcomings, and is seeing a therapist. She has made terrific progress, and I am so happy that she has.
Although fustrating at times. I have maintained a loving relationship with my Mother, reminding myself of the grief she must be experiencing with the loss of my father. My youngest sister, who lives a few blocks from her, as also been able maintain a healthy relationship with my Mother.
The middle sister, however, has alot of anger almost to the point of rage regarding my Mother. She offers to do things...and then does them with a sense of entitlement. Such as if she does this for Mom, she can say and do anything..Mom owes her, is her viewpoint. At 47, she is a mean girl...almost a bully.
Throw a couple of drinks on that attitude and you can imagine what happens.
Mom reacts and recoils to these verbal assaults. I have reminded her that only she can set the boundaries of what she will accept in terms of my sisters behavior.
As I live out of state, and only visit once every few months, her actions have prevented all of us from being able to be together when I visit. As my younger sister and I are able to maintain our sisterly relationship, and the relationship with our mother, I sense jealously on the middle sisters part.
I just returned from visiting the family, where my middle sister once again pulled the rug out from under my Mother. Of course, she had a few glasses of wine at a family event that fueled her even more. I know, I know...this is all hers, her hula hoop, her sandbox, nothing any of us can do about it.
Since I didn't beg, or offer to change my plans on vacation, she chose not to be with all of us, due to driving distance whatever. I view this as her loss.
Anywhoo...I am asking for some sage wisdom on detaching from her anger, which is definetely coupled by her drinking. Whatever she may or may not need to work on from her past, her childhood, drinking, etc. is all hers. I have toyed with sharing what I have learned for myself with her...although, it is hers for the asking, if I choose not to offer it up.
This dynamic has existed too long within our family, and I choose not to allow the toxicity of it taint my little serenity.
Maybe I just needed to write this out, as I feel better already. Geez.....an alcoholic parent and the family dynamics...it just keeps on keeping on.
Thanks for reading......
My Dad was an alcoholic, sober 15+ years before he died. He and my Mom were married almost 50 years.
I am the eldest of three daughters, I am an alcoholic, and also co-dependent, (although currently sober, and working on co-dependency).
Since my Dad died...my Mom has had a very hard time, physically and emotionally. She had always been very independent, but, when Dad died she crumbled. Seems her detachment of the previous years, and co-dependent traits came back full force. She also became very self-absorbed. She acknowledges her shortcomings, and is seeing a therapist. She has made terrific progress, and I am so happy that she has.
Although fustrating at times. I have maintained a loving relationship with my Mother, reminding myself of the grief she must be experiencing with the loss of my father. My youngest sister, who lives a few blocks from her, as also been able maintain a healthy relationship with my Mother.
The middle sister, however, has alot of anger almost to the point of rage regarding my Mother. She offers to do things...and then does them with a sense of entitlement. Such as if she does this for Mom, she can say and do anything..Mom owes her, is her viewpoint. At 47, she is a mean girl...almost a bully.
Throw a couple of drinks on that attitude and you can imagine what happens.
Mom reacts and recoils to these verbal assaults. I have reminded her that only she can set the boundaries of what she will accept in terms of my sisters behavior.
As I live out of state, and only visit once every few months, her actions have prevented all of us from being able to be together when I visit. As my younger sister and I are able to maintain our sisterly relationship, and the relationship with our mother, I sense jealously on the middle sisters part.
I just returned from visiting the family, where my middle sister once again pulled the rug out from under my Mother. Of course, she had a few glasses of wine at a family event that fueled her even more. I know, I know...this is all hers, her hula hoop, her sandbox, nothing any of us can do about it.
Since I didn't beg, or offer to change my plans on vacation, she chose not to be with all of us, due to driving distance whatever. I view this as her loss.
Anywhoo...I am asking for some sage wisdom on detaching from her anger, which is definetely coupled by her drinking. Whatever she may or may not need to work on from her past, her childhood, drinking, etc. is all hers. I have toyed with sharing what I have learned for myself with her...although, it is hers for the asking, if I choose not to offer it up.
This dynamic has existed too long within our family, and I choose not to allow the toxicity of it taint my little serenity.
Maybe I just needed to write this out, as I feel better already. Geez.....an alcoholic parent and the family dynamics...it just keeps on keeping on.
Thanks for reading......
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Thank you...
Of course it was more involved and has been for quite some time. So much of it goes back to the dysfunction junction of an alcoholic parent...
HUGS to you...not having a mother.
Of course it was more involved and has been for quite some time. So much of it goes back to the dysfunction junction of an alcoholic parent...
HUGS to you...not having a mother.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
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Doing stuff for some one else means entitlement and control over said person... I've been in that space and now realize how twisted, self
destructive, and self loathing that behavior and the attached emotions are. I don't miss it. Can't help but think, if we are aware, we can redirect others behavior and thoughts in a constructive and meaningful way.
destructive, and self loathing that behavior and the attached emotions are. I don't miss it. Can't help but think, if we are aware, we can redirect others behavior and thoughts in a constructive and meaningful way.
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It is sad that your sister's codependence and alcoholism are twisting her life in this way.
Regarding sharing with her what you have learned; if someone had told you these things before you had hit your bottom and were ready to learn them, would it have helped you?
Anywhoo...I am asking for some sage wisdom on detaching from her anger, which is definetely coupled by her drinking. Whatever she may or may not need to work on from her past, her childhood, drinking, etc. is all hers. I have toyed with sharing what I have learned for myself with her...although, it is hers for the asking, if I choose not to offer it up
I think you have all the wisdom you need, from what I can read. All the things you already doing are appropriate - setting boundaries, not engaging. Just knowing that you need to detach is powerful, do whatever it is that helps you to do that, whether it be meditating, reading, praying to your HP, engaging yourself in meaningful (or even meaningless!) activity. Regarding sharing with her what you have learned; if someone had told you these things before you had hit your bottom and were ready to learn them, would it have helped you?
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Is your role in the family dynamic the peacekeeper? My sister attempts to play that typcial ACOA role in our dysfunctional, alcoholic family, and it hasn't brought her much joy. I'm not sure many people find a lot of satisfraction in trying to make peace among people other than themselves.
Good luck, though. Doesn't sound fun.
Good luck, though. Doesn't sound fun.
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Cowgirl...
I guess part of my codie side is rearing its ugly head.
I wanted to protect my mother..and be the "peacemaker" that I had always been as the eldest child from drunken antics. I wanted to call my sister, reiterate the plans that she knew were in place and beg her to come be with everyone and make Mom happy...but, I didn't.
If she has any questions about what I did, or decided, I will wait until she asks. I know she is angry and hurt right now. I emailed her saying I loved her, and missed her and her family.
I guess I should view it as the ball being in her court.
I just haven't been on this side of the court before...usually, I play referee...
I guess part of my codie side is rearing its ugly head.
I wanted to protect my mother..and be the "peacemaker" that I had always been as the eldest child from drunken antics. I wanted to call my sister, reiterate the plans that she knew were in place and beg her to come be with everyone and make Mom happy...but, I didn't.
If she has any questions about what I did, or decided, I will wait until she asks. I know she is angry and hurt right now. I emailed her saying I loved her, and missed her and her family.
I guess I should view it as the ball being in her court.
I just haven't been on this side of the court before...usually, I play referee...
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My mother is 69. My Dad was 9 years older, they were married, when she was, gulp,
17.
My mother is the one that introduced me to Al-Anon, Melodie Beattie, program and process.
Unfortunately, when Dad died...pandoras box was open.
17.
My mother is the one that introduced me to Al-Anon, Melodie Beattie, program and process.
Unfortunately, when Dad died...pandoras box was open.
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Stillwater...she is getting closer to that point now.
She had two factures in her back...which, was caused in part by extreme stress throwing her parathryoid out of whack. She owns and runs her own business, which, Dad was retired and helped her with tremendously. She is also dealing with some guilt, because even though Dad had his moments, and they had some tough years, she realized after he died how much she loved and missed him.
Her back though, is getting better, and she is able to do alot..once she believes she will be ok, and that nothing will happen.
He was the wind beneath her wings, she and we all discovered, after his death. He was also a voice of reason for my middle sister, especially.
When I learned about and read the ACOA workbook years ago., I knew I was reading about my family, and each of our roles.
She had two factures in her back...which, was caused in part by extreme stress throwing her parathryoid out of whack. She owns and runs her own business, which, Dad was retired and helped her with tremendously. She is also dealing with some guilt, because even though Dad had his moments, and they had some tough years, she realized after he died how much she loved and missed him.
Her back though, is getting better, and she is able to do alot..once she believes she will be ok, and that nothing will happen.
He was the wind beneath her wings, she and we all discovered, after his death. He was also a voice of reason for my middle sister, especially.
When I learned about and read the ACOA workbook years ago., I knew I was reading about my family, and each of our roles.
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So it sounds more like she (and the rest of your) are working your way through the grieving process, which is hard all on its own. Then your sister prefers to be angry and nasty instead of working on healing.
Dunno.
You know this is between your Mom and your sister, not much you can do.
Detaching from her anger would mean, for me, walking away when it was present. You're not there all that much so I don't know how doable that would be. She gets out of hand or crappy with your Mom, walk out.
Dunno.
You know this is between your Mom and your sister, not much you can do.
Detaching from her anger would mean, for me, walking away when it was present. You're not there all that much so I don't know how doable that would be. She gets out of hand or crappy with your Mom, walk out.
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I didn't engage in conversation when she was angry, nor respond when she was dissing Mom.
I know, deep down, she is very unhappy with herself...one of those things that when you look at someone you get the visual. Until she wants to get healthier, happier,
nothing anyone of us can do.
She would call and rant on the phone to me, an hour or more within a week. I listened for a long time. Now...if I am at work, and not up to the vent/rant, I let it go to voicemail.
Some new boundaries, new feelings that we are all, as a family, experiencing.
Thanks for reading/listening.
I know, deep down, she is very unhappy with herself...one of those things that when you look at someone you get the visual. Until she wants to get healthier, happier,
nothing anyone of us can do.
She would call and rant on the phone to me, an hour or more within a week. I listened for a long time. Now...if I am at work, and not up to the vent/rant, I let it go to voicemail.
Some new boundaries, new feelings that we are all, as a family, experiencing.
Thanks for reading/listening.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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August, I'm not saying here that there is anything in particular I think you should do. I would just like to relate my feelings about me if that's Okay with you?
I try to be mature and detached from most things in my life. But there is ONE thing about me that will never change. And that is, if anyone ever yelled at my mother, read her the riot act, or in any other way was abusive toward her, I would rip their face off. hahaha sorry, I'm very giddy and immature tonight.
But it's true. My mother is just such a sweet, kind, pleasant, loving, quiet, unobtrusive person. And she did SO MUCH to keep our family together with my alcoholic Dad creating problems and chaos and anger and all that crap all those years. Mom busted her a$$ for us kids.
That's just how it is for me. So, I feel like August it would be so difficult for me to do what you know you have to do. To turn around and walk away from it. Maybe that is my guilt. My guilt from watching my little mom work so hard for so long for so many people. Selflessly. Huh, thanks for the insight!
I try to be mature and detached from most things in my life. But there is ONE thing about me that will never change. And that is, if anyone ever yelled at my mother, read her the riot act, or in any other way was abusive toward her, I would rip their face off. hahaha sorry, I'm very giddy and immature tonight.
But it's true. My mother is just such a sweet, kind, pleasant, loving, quiet, unobtrusive person. And she did SO MUCH to keep our family together with my alcoholic Dad creating problems and chaos and anger and all that crap all those years. Mom busted her a$$ for us kids.
That's just how it is for me. So, I feel like August it would be so difficult for me to do what you know you have to do. To turn around and walk away from it. Maybe that is my guilt. My guilt from watching my little mom work so hard for so long for so many people. Selflessly. Huh, thanks for the insight!
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L2L..
You are so wise. You have hit the nail on the head.
My sister will continue to treat my Mom the way my mother allows. Breaks my heart and ticks me off at the same time. I have tried to reinforce Mom's toolbox on setting boundaries. Yet, at the same time, witnessing her abusive behavior toward my mother gets my blood boiling.
I keep praying that when the time is right, I will know what to say about this dark cloud that hovers over the family and its gatherings. I will also find a way to say, that I won't be around the behavior, even if that means while I am visiting, she doesn't.
My sister acted/sounded just like my Dad when he was actively drinking. I think that is why this particular incident hit Mom harder, and ticked me off more..
You are so wise. You have hit the nail on the head.
My sister will continue to treat my Mom the way my mother allows. Breaks my heart and ticks me off at the same time. I have tried to reinforce Mom's toolbox on setting boundaries. Yet, at the same time, witnessing her abusive behavior toward my mother gets my blood boiling.
I keep praying that when the time is right, I will know what to say about this dark cloud that hovers over the family and its gatherings. I will also find a way to say, that I won't be around the behavior, even if that means while I am visiting, she doesn't.
My sister acted/sounded just like my Dad when he was actively drinking. I think that is why this particular incident hit Mom harder, and ticked me off more..
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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That girl so needs to grow up. My brother moved into my parents' house as an adult and was bringing other grown men into my parents' very small house, shooting up, etc in the back bedroom. I gave him a piece of my mind ONCE. It released my emotions and communicated my disgust. I don't know whether or not he heard or remembered anything I said, but it made ME feel better. And I wasn't abusive, just angry. Does she know that her behavior is affecting other people? Good Lord.
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I believe she knows. Especially since night after she went home, she texted my Mom
with I'm Sorry..
Mom didn't know wether to reply or not. I encouraged her to do what she felt, if she didn't feel like responding then don't right now. I also asked..what exactly did she apologize for exactly?
I shared with her years ago after I first quit drinking how certain behaviors were toxic to me..yelling and screaming being one of them.
I emailed her after I got back, short, cordial, perfunctory. No response from her., and I am not going to dance the codie tune to get her to talk.
with I'm Sorry..
Mom didn't know wether to reply or not. I encouraged her to do what she felt, if she didn't feel like responding then don't right now. I also asked..what exactly did she apologize for exactly?
I shared with her years ago after I first quit drinking how certain behaviors were toxic to me..yelling and screaming being one of them.
I emailed her after I got back, short, cordial, perfunctory. No response from her., and I am not going to dance the codie tune to get her to talk.
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