Mambo Queen

I posted this same thing about a week ago. Since that time, my XAH bought me a card about loving me forever and a red rose that he gave to me when I dropped off dd for her visit with him, has ended every conversation we've had (none initiated by me, all presumably about either dd or a trivia event he is running) with a hurried "I love You", said really quickly and then hanging up so I don't have time to reply (not that I would), and then today, I came to work to find this email in my inbox. I'm editing it down a bit and deleting out our names:

I sit here and my mind swirls because I am lonely and in pain, emotionally and physically. I love you and I love dd. I would give anything and do anything to take the bad things I did back and do anything proactively to get you and dd back. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. I know deep down I am the love of your life, but i gave you no choice but to divorce me. I was the ******* that could not stop pouring booze down my throat. I can now. The consequences have been severe and I am missing too much of my daughters life and I am missing the opportunity to share Moments of my life with you.

I am growing up. That is why I became a member of the church out here. That is why I am taking any job that will pay me something and at least want me around. My last job didn't want me and they told me that in so many words and started showing me that by dinging me with ******** commissions. I caught on and resisted the fraud they perpetrate on customers (ie adding features to customers bills w/o their knowledge. I confronted the ******** that was my new boss, which clearly made him very uncomfortable. I am not making excuses, but it was an extremely hostile work environment.)

This, however, gives me no excuse to fly off the deep end. That will stop. I promise. You and dd are too important. I am working through this with prayer AND AA. I can be THAT guy again. I know your trust in me is very low. I don't blame you. Most alcoholics turn people off. Your trust can build again over time if I just show you I mean business. I have been the most motivated, confident guy in the world.

The thing that is different in my feelings now is that I don't need you, I WANT YOU AND DD. That is a very big sea change for me. I WANT YOU. I love you and I have loved you since 1994. It makes me angry that we spent so many years drinking our relationship away. I do feel that we have something more than being drinking buddies. I didn't always think this. There is just something there with you and how I feel about you. Jesus, you are dating and sleeping wih another guy and it is not dissuading me. Something is completley different.

I just have faith that you will realize (like I already realize) that our relationship can work with time and that a reconciliation would be great for us, but more importantly for dd. I know you say you love your new boyfriend (which hurts tremendously) but I don't believe deep down you love him more than you love me. When we are sober together, the GOOD so much outweighs any disagreements we may have. Our disagreements when we are sober are so small, I can't really think of any. Maybe the job thing, but my philosophy has changed since I have decided to grow up and check my ******* ego at the door in lieu of survival and being a parent. I can't think of any other disagreements.

Now your family. I know they have alot of animus toward me and rightfully so. I said and did some awful things. Not an excuse, but these things were done while I was blind drunk and out of ******* control. If I would have done the bad things I have done in the past SOBER, then it would be a whole different ballgame. If performing these horrible things sober, I personally annoint myself the worlds biggest *****.

However, I know when i am sober I am the nicest guy in the world. And yes, nicer than your new boyfriend. i would do anything for you or dd and I have shown that side to you. Unfortunately, for so many years, I was persistently drunk. I am lucky to be alive. I think I am still alive for a reason. So many alcoholics have died, drinking less than I have.

Just understand this. I am here for you. I am here for dd. I will always be here. I don't want anyone else. I can't stress upon you how different this is for me. I don't want you to respond because I know it will probably be hurtful. That is something I don't need now. Let me have my faith and hope. It keeps me going. Please don't take that away from me.

I have faith that someday you can and will trust me again. Your family can and will trust me again. The ball is mostly in my court, but it is partially in your court now, too. You can break up with your boyfriend. He will live. You ran into his arms because of my assholic ways that will not exist in the future. Just give me a chance. I know I have asked for this before, but I am changing. In 2005, I though tI would never be able to stop drinking for one day. I know now I can be sober for an extended period of time and not die or have massive panic attacks on a daily basis. Just a few years ago, I never thought it was possible. I know I can fly now! I'll maybe need some xanax, but I would get on a plane. That is what sobriety is doing for me. My mind is starting to revert to the "salad" days of the past. The paranoia, the stinking thinking, the cravings are disappearing, slowly but surely. I have places to turn to (AA and Church). My health is ok, I'm smart and educated which is more than most people can say. I am fortunate. I am blessed. Material things are somewhat important. However, YOU AND DD ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE DD. PERIOD.


Love,

XAH-


AARGH!! Here's the thing. I DO love my new boyfriend. I'm NOT going to dump him. But I still feel guilty because I feel like if it wasn't for him, I would at least be telling XAH that if he stayed sober for over a year, that I would entertain the possibility of reconciling with him. But I don't want to tell him that now, given that I am in a new relationship that I don't want to end. I certainly don't want to end it for him, for the mere "possibility" that this time will be different. He relapsed about a month ago, and quit that job he mentioned in the letter, without having another one of course. So now that he's been sober again for a whole month I'm supposed to believe everything's totally different? It's just like the full court press with this guy. I can't BELIEVE the levels and depths of his persistance. I was a pretty crazy stalker-sort myself when I was in my 20's, and even I took a freakin' hint eventually! And the thing that makes it the hardest is that of COURSE I still care about him and what happens to him, of COURSE I don't have only negative feelings about him--he was in my life for a long time, we shared a lot of love, we have a beautiful daughter together. But I really don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. Why can't that be true, and why can't he just accept that? OK, I'm done venting. I'm just getting so FRUSTRATED! I'm finally divorced and I feel like I'll never really be FREE.

Still Waters

He'll eventually move on Mambo.

trapeze

You'll be free. Lot of divorced people deal with mixed feelings afterwards. Deep breath. Let go.

Freedom1990

You don't have to answer this question...I'm just throwing it out there as food for thought. Do you think you got involved in another relationship too soon?

It's somewhat revealing that you say you might possibly entertain a reconcilation (if he stayed sober over a year) IF you didn't have the current boyfriend.

I jumped into a relationship very shortly after I left the EXAH and started my life over.

There was still much residue and unresolved feelings from that marriage for years afterwards, but I refused to see that.

I thought once I walked away from EXAH, I would be fine. I didn't realize I took me along with me, and there I was!

Just because your ex says the things he does, doesn't mean you have to react, no? Life is 5% what happens to us, and 95% of how we react to it.

If I am right with self and have a good conscious contact with my HP, it's pretty hard to rattle my cage.

Are you attending Alanon?

For me, recovery from codependency is a lifelong process, whether I have an alcoholic in my life or not.

As for the email he sent you? As far as I know, the majority of email programs have an option to filter emails from specific addresses straight to trash.

Bernadette

The fact that he is not letting go is not your problem.

I would just check in with myself and make sure all my signals and boundaries are clear and consistent.

His behavior/words have just that little tinge of desperation/stalkerishness. I had a stalker once, and my therapist told me that ANY interaction I had with him was, for him, a positive. I guess you have to speak with him since he is the dad - but hopefully if you keep it to the minimum and keep the "I don't want a relationship with you." line very clear and consistent, you will feel less harassed.

Ugh-- good luck-
b

justtired

Can you go no contact? It seems like you want to let go, but he is still manipulating you. I read a lot of manipulation in his email. I mean he actually told you that he is nicer than your new boyfriend? How does he know that and why would he say that? Please don't fall for it. What I read is a letter from him telling you everything he knows you want to hear. You are the only one who can set yourself free. Seems like you are waiting for HIM to set you free. I would try to separate yourself from him as much as possible.

Mambo Queen

Thanks all for the replies. I think my problem is I keep wanting to be "nice" and "be his friend". Well, he doesn't want to be friends, he wants to be married still, so that ain't gonna work. After I posted this, I read another email he sent me that sort of has boxed me into a corner. He said he started a Facebook page and requested me as his "friend"! I've been truly dreading hearing him say that, as I do not want to be his "friend" on facebook, so I'm going to have to get mean (or what feels mean to a codie like me) and tell him I won't be his Facebook "friend".

Thumper

Hang tough. I'm in a similar situation. We aren't divorced yet but started the process and every single day he is after me to not go through with it. He's been sober a week now and so he is really after me and it is harder to not feel selfish and guilty when he is talking to me sober. He still knows how to manipulate me and brings the kids up and the kids are suffering because of this. I don't know. Part of me says I do not want to be married to him and I get what I want for a change so the divorce is on. Yay me. Part of me says that is not fair to the kids - no counseling or anything. That part of me says that I should put the divorce on hold for 6 months - no harm done. Except I'll be traipsing off to a marriage counselor with a man I do not trust and don't really want to risk anything with. Then I feel mean. I make major decisions about my life in order to never be mean to another person - which is just stupid - because it lacks honesty and integrity. I value those things and I don't always live by them and I create incredibly complicated situations in the long run.

hadenoughnow

The only thing that worked for me was not talking to him AT ALL. I email him about DS and if he insists that I talk to him on the phone I hang up the minute the conversation starts to wander away from DS. DO NOT friend him on facebook! They don't get it, it's sad but if you are more than barely civil to him he still thinks he has a chance. Be prepared for him to go ape**** when you stop being nice.

Jazzman

Wow he's really working you isn't he? He knows all your triggers and buttons to push. He's just wallowing in self pity and misery, grasping at straws.

This is really more about you and setting boundaries and sticking with them. If in your opinion he's crossing the line then do something about it.

Would you really want a partner in life that claims he can't function without you?

chrisea

Red flag... My last job didn't want me and they told me that in so many words and started showing me that by dinging me with ********

likes to blame everyone else... been there, have the t shirt. Be civil with him, discussing your dd. You owe him nothing else

Bernadette

Words are free and it costs him nothing to throw out the bait to see if you're gonna bite!

Touche! Well said!
b.

Mambo Queen

Man, it just goes from bad to worse. I ignored all his phone calls yesterday, took one at work today, and ended up in another circular argument about how I can't predict the future and he needs to know there's hope. He also wrote me an email in which he states that if I end up marrying the man I'm dating now, he will have no choice but to kill himself or leave town forever, thus robbing our daughter of a relationship with her father (his words). He's like the freakin' Terminator, and I really feel that he can not be stopped.

LaTeeDa

Stop taking his calls, stop reading his emails, don't listen to the messages he leaves. Problem solved.

L

TakingCharge999

I would say someone in spiritual healing or recovery or starting to grow out of past mistakes would not be menacing you in that way or threatening suicide.

What happens if you tell him there is no hope? He says he doesnt want to hear what you have to say because it motivates him to think there is hope. But then he keeps calling you and emailing you.

All I see is manipulation. Can you ask a friend to read emails and just tell you relevant things? can you change your number?

24Years

It seems he needs to discover that his hope and happiness comes from within, and that he can have hope and happiness without you. It also seems he is acting like you should believe he is “cured,” which we know may not happen anytime soon, if at all. I am not seeing any sign of true recovery, and I see real problems with his *desperation* and his trying to manipulate you with his words. I just wonder…if he ever does recover (no matter how small a chance that may be), would you want to reconcile for the sake of your child? And, how much time do you think is realistic to give him? I believe those answers will help you see clearly if you believe you rushed into another relationship too soon (which seemed to me you were indirectly expressing). Having said that, please know that I think his current behaviors show he is not healthy for you to be around (at all)!