Moms
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
Moms
Hi there
I just got off the phone with my mother. She's a master at trying to figure out my life by using questions that tell her all is not well even though I have promised myself to not involve her in my affairs. She loves my XABF and always thought of us eventually getting married. She knows he's an alcoholic but because he comes across as a kind soft spoken man she thinks I'd be crazy to leave him.
I finally told her after a few of these questions like Who went to Thanksgiving Dinner with you and what did he do for Thanksgiving blah blah blah that I was no longer with him. She asked why and I just told her I had my reasons.
She knew I did not want to talk about it but directed it back to it a few times....she wanted to know how his sick dog was doing then said "if something ever happened to that dog he would probably miss him more than you" then started laughing while she apologized for saying it....yeah thanks for the support Mom....
Then she asked about my "stuff" and have I retrieved my "stuff" from his place. I just told her I wanted to wait awhile longer and really it is only stuff...I can buy more if need be....then silence....
I changed the subject but then she brings it back again....guess you don't have anyone to go South this year then. I advised her that it wouldn't be the thing to do anyway to bring an alcoholic at an all-inclusive....she said I suppose not but he always seemed to enjoy himself....yeah thanks again for reminding me of his drinking until he was a handful and a half the entire week we were there....but I say nothing...
I could have told her he is drinking again....she saw him last year in the hospital close to death....but it is really none of my business nor is it hers....I have come to realize she will never be my source of support so I will let her think what she may.....I have always been to blame anyway in her eyes....blame and shame is and was the name of the game...and for some reason it really no longer affects me like it once did....normally I would go into defense mode and say he did this and that and blah blah blah....
But if I was to be totally honest with myself I was just as sick and I am proud of the small steps I have taken so far to get batter...I just don't share it with her anymore and it drives her crazy not to engage me like she once did....don't get me wrong....I love my Mom but I have to admit I could not always say that....guess maybe I am learning to let go...knowing I am far from perfect too and that I will be okay because I have found the support I need from those who truly have been through it....
Guess I just wanted to share this....
Maggie
I just got off the phone with my mother. She's a master at trying to figure out my life by using questions that tell her all is not well even though I have promised myself to not involve her in my affairs. She loves my XABF and always thought of us eventually getting married. She knows he's an alcoholic but because he comes across as a kind soft spoken man she thinks I'd be crazy to leave him.
I finally told her after a few of these questions like Who went to Thanksgiving Dinner with you and what did he do for Thanksgiving blah blah blah that I was no longer with him. She asked why and I just told her I had my reasons.
She knew I did not want to talk about it but directed it back to it a few times....she wanted to know how his sick dog was doing then said "if something ever happened to that dog he would probably miss him more than you" then started laughing while she apologized for saying it....yeah thanks for the support Mom....
Then she asked about my "stuff" and have I retrieved my "stuff" from his place. I just told her I wanted to wait awhile longer and really it is only stuff...I can buy more if need be....then silence....
I changed the subject but then she brings it back again....guess you don't have anyone to go South this year then. I advised her that it wouldn't be the thing to do anyway to bring an alcoholic at an all-inclusive....she said I suppose not but he always seemed to enjoy himself....yeah thanks again for reminding me of his drinking until he was a handful and a half the entire week we were there....but I say nothing...
I could have told her he is drinking again....she saw him last year in the hospital close to death....but it is really none of my business nor is it hers....I have come to realize she will never be my source of support so I will let her think what she may.....I have always been to blame anyway in her eyes....blame and shame is and was the name of the game...and for some reason it really no longer affects me like it once did....normally I would go into defense mode and say he did this and that and blah blah blah....
But if I was to be totally honest with myself I was just as sick and I am proud of the small steps I have taken so far to get batter...I just don't share it with her anymore and it drives her crazy not to engage me like she once did....don't get me wrong....I love my Mom but I have to admit I could not always say that....guess maybe I am learning to let go...knowing I am far from perfect too and that I will be okay because I have found the support I need from those who truly have been through it....
Guess I just wanted to share this....
Maggie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
No she has never drank her entire life....nor did my father....but their addiction was religion and this too can leave a lot of damage in it's path believe me....anger was never allowed in our house...shame on you for having feelings.....nor was it talked about if one of us kids was sexually abused (2 out of 5 of us) and convered up by the church and so on....YOU must have been to blame is all we ever heard....How does a young child absorb this? i can tell you this....it takes a long time to trust in God...and this leads to unhealthy relationships...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Our parents are human just like everyone else. As we get older, we accept and see them for who they are and will always be. We can't change them but we sure can change how we interact with them. I have learned to deal with my mother by setting up boundaries with her as well just like I have to with my RABF. I no longer interact with her as I did as a child... if she is disappointed in MY choices, then she has to figure out a way to deal with it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
No kidding. That's one tough road - very abusive. Some people don't realize how horrible it can be for a child. My AH was raised in a house where his father's alcoholism was to covered up at all costs (southern baptist). He had a very shame based childhood. I believe it is one reason why he hid his own problems for so many years, to his detriment.
Good for you for drawing a line with your mom. That must have been tough. I can tell you I don't tell my mom anything. There's just no good which comes from talking to her.
Good for you for drawing a line with your mom. That must have been tough. I can tell you I don't tell my mom anything. There's just no good which comes from talking to her.
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