whyamistaying

I can see why it would be enabling but at the same time I don't think it is. So I guess I don't know what I think. As far as his bottom, I don't know if losing us would matter at this point. 2 DUIs, stealing from my parents, and a tresspass charge hasn't done it. Maybe jail since he hates jail. But I think maybe a 3rd DUI will do it because then there is hefty jail time.

whyamistaying

Thank you. AH knows about me reading and doing Al Anon and he knows what I won't do. I printed the "to my wife" letter and put it on our refrigerator. When he wanted me to do something I told him, "See (and pointed to the letter), I'm not supposed to do that as part of my recovery."

I don't think I would kick him out for him to hit rock bottom, but I was wondering if it would speed things up if this marriage was to work out every.

whyamistaying

Well, the reason I go to Al Anon is not for him. I started going because things were just too unbearable and I couldn't deal with it. So I guess I went because of him. I didn't know what else to do. And it makes me feel better so that is why I keep going. LOL But there have been several times I just look around and think how sad this whole thing is and all the pain in that room and I get mad.

I do picture my life without him. Everyone has told me that "normal" people put up with "_" this much crap and then leave. That religious people put up with "___" much crap and then leave. And that I put up with "_______________________________" much crap and still don't leave. I do know that once I leave I won't come back even if he is sober. That once I file for divorce it is over sober or not down the road. Even though we have kids, a heck of a lot has happened and there is so much damage.

URMYEVERYTHING

The thing is you don't know what will do it. Jail may not have him hit his bottom either. My RABF shared with me that jail was never his bottom when he was deep into his addiction years ago. It was a safety net (no access to drugs, no more crime, no more misery of living on the streets, a safe and warm place to go with 3 square meals). Once he was released, he hit the streets again.

Please remember, there are no guarantees with addiction. There is no reasoning with it. There is no sugar coating it. It is what it is. A baffling disease that only the addict can control.

URMYEVERYTHING

Please, I say this with the best intentions... this is still a form of control. You have no control of if he stays or leaves of speeding up his recovery. This is something he will have to decide when he is ready. When will that be? Who knows... he can wake up tomorrow and leave the house and say he's going to rehab. He may wait until 5 years from now to make that decision. The thing is.... how long will you let the emotional rollercoaster continue? If no one draws the line... then the madness of addiction will continue. The addict will not draw that line.

I completely understand your situation and feel your pain. I had to kick my RABF out of my house when I found out he was using. I know it may sound harsh to some but I didn't care where he went when I kicked him out. He had no where to go but to the streets or rehab. He chose rehab and has been there ever since. I'm not saying that my actions caused him to go to rehab and I didn't have control over this..... I'm saying that I didn't want to be involved in his chaos and that was a choice I had to make for myself not him.

Hope this helps.

GiveLove

My sister went to jail twice and it did not stop her downward spiral. It only made her more angry and self-righteous, and she drank twice as much when she got out.

When you are ready to stop pouring love, patience, and tenderness down this bottomless pit, whyamistaying, you will leave. In the meantime, I suggest you do whatever will bring you closest to a life that you like waking up to. Stay, go, let him stay, make him go.....your choice here will not affect his drinking, it will only affect your happiness.

Do what you can to be happy, and to create a safe, happy life for your children. I would not want to see you back here twenty years from now wondering why oh why they turned into alcoholics/addicts or have so many emotional problems. Your actions now will have much to do with that outcome (not everything, but much.....remember, you are teaching them all of their coping skills right now)

Wishing you luck

LaTeeDa

You posted another thread a couple weeks ago about "One Day at a Time." This is a perfect example of what it means. Instead of trying to predict the future, (he might hit bottom if he goes to jail, he might not hit bottom if you kick him out, you won't ever go back to him if you split up, etc.) what would you do if RIGHT NOW was the only thing that mattered? What if you had no way of knowing what might happen tomorrow (and none of us does)? What would you do then? If any decision you had to make had to be made entirely based on WHAT IS--RIGHT NOW, what would you do?

L

Bernadette

Stay, go, let him stay, make him go.....your choice here will not affect his drinking, it will only affect your happiness.

Boy that's it in a nutshell!

it will only affect your happiness.
it will only affect your happiness.
it will only affect your happiness.

It is good to remind myself of this!!!

thanks GL-
b

whyamistaying

I read this and immediately I thought, "Okay, what is right now, you mean what if right now he stays like this forever?" You mean now meaning now. It is so very hard for me not to look into the future. Right this very minute...I don't know. Why is this so blasted hard for me to comprehend?

LaTeeDa

Yes, that's it! (I think I understood what you said, lol) The only concrete information you have is what he is right now. So, base your decisions on that. In truth, people are much more apt to stay the same than they are to change. So, assuming that what you have now with him is all you will ever have, is it what you want?

It's much easier to take the "what-ifs" out of the decision making process. When you base your decisions and subsequent actions on the facts, it becomes much clearer and a lot less confusing.

I try to base my decisions on WHAT IS RIGHT NOW, knowing that IF things change, I can make a different decision later based on those facts.

Trying to decide what to do, considering all the possible, probable, likely, or unlikely outcomes will paralyze you.

L

LaTeeDa

Based on my experience, it's not comprehending it that's hard, it's facing it. For me, the reason it was soooooooo hard to accept reality is because ANYTHING was better than reality. Even my made-up, magical, fantasy world where he would come to his senses and sober up and we would all live happily ever after............................

L

summer09

I can relate to this, I have enabled my bf for a long time without realising it. I have threatened to end the relationship, said I would not give him money, not let him stay at mine etc but never followed through because the guilt and anxiety hooked me back in. I am now trying to 'say what I mean and mean what I say' and I am figuring out what my boundaries are, what I am willing to put up with today. This will change in the future but all I can focus on is today. Everything I have done in the past is to get him to stop drinking, to speed up the process but nothing has worked. I only end up hurting myself. I know that today I cannot turn him away when he is drunk because dealing with my anxiety about what is happening to him would be worse than dealing with him when he is drunk. It is the case of the lesser of 2 evils. Be strong today only you have the answers.