First Therapy Session
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 11
First Therapy Session
My first therapy session is this afternoon. I've been looking forward to it but the thought is also making me sick. There are so many things I need to get a handle on.
Finances - they are out of control. I think that's a common thread and until I came here I was 100% convinced it was all my fault. Even though I have to be partly to blame for our particular situation, I feel better going into it that it isn't just me. I realize I haven't been able to talk to him about money because of his temper, which is more than likely connected to his drinking. But even if it's not, my not being able to communicate with him the way I do with others definitely has to do with his temper and the way I end up feeling when I do try to discuss something serious or important with him.
Emotional abuse - I'm still confused on this one. AH has a degree is psychology, so he knows very well how to deflect. Nothing has ever been his fault. Not in the time I've known him. Even things that I've had to deal with since we've been married that happened in his life before I knew him, he has good explanations for and were not his fault. I can buy that some things aren't his fault, bad stuff happens sometimes, but to always have a reason it's not his fault?
Low self-esteem. I definitely have it and I need to deal with that. I've always lived with the idea that my husband is smarter than I am and knows so much more than I do, so anything he says must be right. (Of course, him telling me that if he takes the time to say it, it means he's right, has to play a factor too.) I am aware that he is very smart and very capable, I don't want to take away from that. But his manipulations that make me feel like he's always right and I'm always wrong, even if the conversation started with something he did, need to stop. He has two college degrees and I didn't go to college. He holds a good job and brings home good money and I stay at home with our child. Obviously he's the smart one, right?
He has been wanting me to go back to work, which for the sake of our finances, I agree, would be a good thing. Problem is that he has the feeling that I don't have any self worth because I don't bring in an income. Actually, I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, taking care of the kids and the house. I feel it would be a bigger blow to my self-esteem to feel like I failed at the one thing I really want to do. I quit my job shortly before my daughter was born (a job I really liked, btw) because it made no sense financially. I was taking home $750 every two weeks, and daycare was going to be about $1000/month. Where's the sense in that? She's older now, but daycare would still be a massive chunk of what I'm capable of bringing in. I realize we need the money but I'm still not sold on the idea that means I need to put my child in daycare.
There's more but I wanted to get some of that out there in writing before I go to my session.
Finances - they are out of control. I think that's a common thread and until I came here I was 100% convinced it was all my fault. Even though I have to be partly to blame for our particular situation, I feel better going into it that it isn't just me. I realize I haven't been able to talk to him about money because of his temper, which is more than likely connected to his drinking. But even if it's not, my not being able to communicate with him the way I do with others definitely has to do with his temper and the way I end up feeling when I do try to discuss something serious or important with him.
Emotional abuse - I'm still confused on this one. AH has a degree is psychology, so he knows very well how to deflect. Nothing has ever been his fault. Not in the time I've known him. Even things that I've had to deal with since we've been married that happened in his life before I knew him, he has good explanations for and were not his fault. I can buy that some things aren't his fault, bad stuff happens sometimes, but to always have a reason it's not his fault?
Low self-esteem. I definitely have it and I need to deal with that. I've always lived with the idea that my husband is smarter than I am and knows so much more than I do, so anything he says must be right. (Of course, him telling me that if he takes the time to say it, it means he's right, has to play a factor too.) I am aware that he is very smart and very capable, I don't want to take away from that. But his manipulations that make me feel like he's always right and I'm always wrong, even if the conversation started with something he did, need to stop. He has two college degrees and I didn't go to college. He holds a good job and brings home good money and I stay at home with our child. Obviously he's the smart one, right?
He has been wanting me to go back to work, which for the sake of our finances, I agree, would be a good thing. Problem is that he has the feeling that I don't have any self worth because I don't bring in an income. Actually, I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, taking care of the kids and the house. I feel it would be a bigger blow to my self-esteem to feel like I failed at the one thing I really want to do. I quit my job shortly before my daughter was born (a job I really liked, btw) because it made no sense financially. I was taking home $750 every two weeks, and daycare was going to be about $1000/month. Where's the sense in that? She's older now, but daycare would still be a massive chunk of what I'm capable of bringing in. I realize we need the money but I'm still not sold on the idea that means I need to put my child in daycare.
There's more but I wanted to get some of that out there in writing before I go to my session.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 11
I had my first session and I have very mixed feelings. She doesn't specialize in issues like alcoholism, and says she will usually refer to someone else if that's the main problem. I have other issues, so I will continue to see her. She thinks I should attend Alanon meetings, so I guess I'll give that a try. There is one near here that meets on Tuesday evenings. I see the therapist again next week, same day, same time.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey JGB,
I start up therapy again on Monday.
Been out for 8 or 9 years and really did not plan on going back.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the "club."
Did my (now weekly) Al-Anon meeting today.
Managed to say in the meeting that I was going back to therapy and had the appointment set. (That makes it all "real" again for me). I can barely say things like that -- I get all "peanut butter mouthed." Sounds like "I abbb daaa am going aaaabbb back to (long pause) therapy." They were very supportive. Actually felt pretty good to have them tell me that was a good thing.
Mrs. Hammer (in AA) is not necessarily so much so supportive of therapy, but I think if she thinks it will keep me from being crazy on her ass it might be a good thing.
So on we go, huh?
by the way, if you are not happy with the T -- my advice would be to maybe keep shopping?
I start up therapy again on Monday.
Been out for 8 or 9 years and really did not plan on going back.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the "club."
Did my (now weekly) Al-Anon meeting today.
Managed to say in the meeting that I was going back to therapy and had the appointment set. (That makes it all "real" again for me). I can barely say things like that -- I get all "peanut butter mouthed." Sounds like "I abbb daaa am going aaaabbb back to (long pause) therapy." They were very supportive. Actually felt pretty good to have them tell me that was a good thing.
Mrs. Hammer (in AA) is not necessarily so much so supportive of therapy, but I think if she thinks it will keep me from being crazy on her ass it might be a good thing.
So on we go, huh?
by the way, if you are not happy with the T -- my advice would be to maybe keep shopping?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I have a degree in Nursing, Counselling and Psychology, but up to now non of these bits of paper have turned me in an omnipitant GOD. So please stop putting yourself DOWN and putting him up on a pedestal, because he certainly isn't God either.
Those degree documents say nothing about him as a person, as a human, husband, father or friend. It is how he behaves and relates to people, and takes care of what are his responsibilities, that speaks for who and what he is.
He is a man with a drinking problem, a hot temper, is a controller, a manipulator and can't accept any responsibility for events in his life, but he has been to university, gained professional degrees.
Well JGB, his education and status haven't helped him manage his life, so why allow him to manage yours? Blaming you and everyone else for his problems is not a mature way of coping, nor is using a bad temper to literally scare one's wife into submission.
If you really want to be a stay at home mum, and you have financial reasons as well to back your choice, stay at home with your child.
Wanting to be at home, and pushed into going to work is a recipe for you being miserable, not to mention worried about your child in childcare.
I am interested in how he relates with your child, as his relationship with you is so down putting and full of manipulative, controlling power play.
I hope your therapist can help you to see that degrees do NOT necessarily mean smart, and that your sense of self will be lifted from where it is right now.
God bless
Those degree documents say nothing about him as a person, as a human, husband, father or friend. It is how he behaves and relates to people, and takes care of what are his responsibilities, that speaks for who and what he is.
He is a man with a drinking problem, a hot temper, is a controller, a manipulator and can't accept any responsibility for events in his life, but he has been to university, gained professional degrees.
Well JGB, his education and status haven't helped him manage his life, so why allow him to manage yours? Blaming you and everyone else for his problems is not a mature way of coping, nor is using a bad temper to literally scare one's wife into submission.
If you really want to be a stay at home mum, and you have financial reasons as well to back your choice, stay at home with your child.
Wanting to be at home, and pushed into going to work is a recipe for you being miserable, not to mention worried about your child in childcare.
I am interested in how he relates with your child, as his relationship with you is so down putting and full of manipulative, controlling power play.
I hope your therapist can help you to see that degrees do NOT necessarily mean smart, and that your sense of self will be lifted from where it is right now.
God bless
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