Cowgirl1265

I don't see it as weak at all. I think it is a position of strength to be able to say out loud "This relationship is not an asset to my life. It lacks positive components and is a detriment to my growth." If your subconscious is telling you that you want out, you owe it to yourself to listen to that voice and examine why.

Its definitely worth doing some soul-searching. One of the things I did before deciding to separate from my H were to identify the positives in our relationship and evaluate how important those things are in the overall picture. Then I identified the problems (both things that he did that caused pain and ways in which I reacted or related to him which were difficult or out of control). It became clear to me that the negatives far outweighed the positives, and worse, they were making our relationship detrimental to our capabilities as parents. The further distant I am from being overwhelmed by his illness, the more I realize that the biggest hook for me in the relationship WAS his illness. That's not enough to build a marriage on.

Do I have guilt over this sometimes? Absolutely. My parents have been married for over 50 years, and everyone says how wonderful that is. And I love them and I know how much willpower my mother has to have stayed in this marriage with my alcoholic father. All of the values I was raised with told me that you should stay married, no matter what. And I made vows, in front of my family, friends and HP to give that marriage everything I had. I have to remind myself that a relationship goes both ways. That we were not one person but two individuals in partnership. So I owed it to myself to weigh everything carefully and make the best decision I could make for myself and my children.


This is my own experience, and not a one-size-fits all!

Bernadette

Or is there real incompatability and unhappiness?

You know if you just click on your screenname you can read your old posts...you describe pretty clearly some very real situations with your H that might provide you with some answers...

I like the progress you're making in thinking about what's important to you! Good for you!
peace-
b

TakingCharge999

GL thanks a lot for the book recommendations, my dad will bring them to me and I can't wait!!

Jehn what is important to me is to remember life is not made to be happy but to LEARN! this year I learned it is ok to be sad, angry, indifferent, depressed, enthusiastic, etc etc at certain times and that I am not a failure if things don't work or if I don't feel together all the time.

And about romantic relations, what is important to me is that I can be myself 100%... and that I feel supported and motivated to be my best self. And that it is an equal relation, no power struggles or putting down the other one, basically friendship and respect are my main needs.

puckettcg

This thread was timely for me. I made the decision last night that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship with my AH. Last night it was a very emotional decision, and I was afraid that it was my emotion talking. But, this morning, I woke up and felt good because I was able to put into simple words what wasn't working for me.

He's just not my partner. He's not my emotional partner. He's not my partner in child-rearing, financial management, or any other aspect of managing a family and a household. I make all the decisions for the household, and can't trust him with the simplest of tasks such as getting the kids to practice. A partner is someone who is there for you; someone who you can trust.

A partner is not someone who saps all your energy.