Trying2Fly

I'm thinking of sending Jane a letter (she's in a 30 day recovery program) and need advice. *Here's what I have--not sure if it sounds ok. *And please ignore the typos! Thanks.
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I wanted to take the time to write you to tell you I'm thinking of you and that I love you.
I won't lie--your recent actions have hurt me terribly--I wrote you a couple of emails out of anger and would rather you read this letter instead.
I've always looked up to you for your creativity, your sense of humor, your intelligence. *I know that a kind person still exists in you.
To see you battle your alcoholism and to see the choices you've made in life have been so hurtful and sad for me. *I chose to remove myself from the pain your choices have caused our family because it's too painful to see what they've done to our relationship.
*You've stayed sober before. *I believe you can do it again.
I need time to understand yoyr disease better, to take care of myself, and to allow you the chance to embrace your recovery. *I cannot be a part of your life until you do. *
I love you and I always will. *I wish you nothing but the best.

TakingCharge999

((Trying)) Wow to me its perfect I wouldnt change anything.

Hope this provides you the peace you deserve, and motivates her to make healthier choices.

Please try to rest tonight cozy in the thought that both Jane and you are in God's hands.

bookwyrm

I guess it depends on what your motivations are for writing such a letter. I can't work them out - but I might just be a bit slow this morning!!

You write about how she hurt you and say you want nothing to do with her until she gets sober - then you will be her friend. Are you trying to keep the lines of communication open? Reiterating her faults won't help with this and you also say you can't be part of her life till she gets sober.

Do you want to motivate her to staying sober? That's a big codie no-no! Only she can do this for herself. Your 'encouragement' could be seen as pure manipulation.

So why are you writing to her? What are your expectations from this? Do you want an apology? Are you trying to make amends for your angry emails so she doesn't think badly of you?

GiveLove

I too would "play the tape all the way through" and decide why you're writing this letter. Is it to:
--Clear yourself of guilt
--Motivate her to get sober
--Point out to her how much damage she's caused, make her feel remorse
......etc. What are you hoping for?

When you are clear on this, then it will be clearer what should stay and what should go.

Just as an example, my similar letter(s) to my sister always started out with a need for me to express how much she'd hurt me, how much she'd ruined.

But when they became an expression of loving detachment, simply making sure that she knew I cared BUT would not be able to enable her any more, then they felt better to me, and those were the ones that got sent. That's just me - the real thing is to make sure you know why you're sending this, what you want to have happen, within your heart or within hers. And work from there.

This is very hard work, I know too well, and so I'm sending big hugs

trapeze

I struggled with the same question. My husband is in his 3rd week of rehab, has 3 more to go. If I had the last 3 weeks to do over again, I would have put the letters which talked about my pain in a drawer, and only sent the more positive ones. This is because I now realize how awful my AH feels about himself. He knows what he's done to me.

Notice I would not throw the letters away. There may be a time to send the pain letters. There will certainly be a time to talk about my pain, but what's the rush?

naive

i was a bit surprised when i read the "to the wives" chapter of the AA book, for the spouses. have you read it?

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf

in a nutshell, it says to let some things go unsaid in initial recovery. the recovering alcoholic is on shaky ground and it's not the time to remind them of their mistakes. if they are in recovery, they will get there when they work that step.

Trying2Fly

Thanks everyone. Good advice. I guess what I want from her is a clean break from her madness. I want to express "loving detachment", but "loving detachment" is so confusing to me still. I don't know how to phrase that.

Still Waters

This was hard for me. I got nasty letters from my AH when he was in rehab, and by the time I could wrap my mind around what I wanted to write back, he'd have sent me another one.

I was stupid, I was the problem, I wasn't "getting it", I treated him disrespectfully, etc.

I ended up not writing him at all. :/

Trying2Fly

The thing is, she is still blaming ME. I learned this through my parents. She told them, "well, if TTF had been there for me last week, I wouldn't have started drinking. She's just not supportive of my efforts". So that makes me mad--her blame, her manipulation. And it makes me wonder if she is serious about recovery at all and if I should even offer her any support. I mean, if she's just going to throw it back in my face, why bother?

Still Waters

Yes, I felt the exact same way. He was still blaming me for everything and taking no responsibility. Nothing even near a "thank you" or an "I'm sorry". Pahleeze.

But, it's not for me to say how and when he recovers, so....it was pretty clear I had to make a decision whether I wanted to deal with him as he was. I did for a while, but it didn't last.

Bernadette

The thing is, she is still blaming ME.

Ugh, T2F, she is just doing what alcoholics do. If there was another target she would hit it. You know it is not true- that you caused her to go drink again. You know that it is her choice every day whether to drink or not. So I wouldn't take what she says seriously - or literally I guess - I mean take it seriously as a sign of an addict who is miles from recovery, but the actual words? They are just part of the insanity of the alcoholic.

I had to at one point refuse to justify my brother's alcoholic BS by stopping defending myself. I found a shrug and a "Hunh, I guess we see things differently," as my best defense.

I did send them letters sometimes - the before Alanon letters were full of fear, argument, tips, suggestions, and sentiment. The after AlAnon ones were just "I love you. I'm thinking of you....etc."

It's tough stuff - and you'll have to work on your anger despite her! Yes, the dream is one day she will see all the horrific pain she has caused, and somehow emotionally make up for it...but you can't force that out of her nor is it healthy to wait for that happen...nor is it likely that it will ever happen or feel the way you imagine it will!!

I feel for you T2F--and I agree with you - if she is going to throw it back in your face why set yourself up for further aggravation, anger, disappointment? Will this just be a letter she refers to as an excuse later down the road? It seems unsafe to your mental health.

(((hugs)))
b

GiveLove

Back to the question: What is the letter for? Why write it?

If you are doing it because you feel it's going to alter her behavior toward you in some way, then I'd reconsider.

My letters were written for ME. I felt a need to let my sisters know that I loved them but could no longer engage with them. That released a huge pressure valve for me. I didn't need or want a response.

SHE does not have to grant you this (and being an alcoholic, if you wait for it, you will likely wait a long long time)

You can take this any time you like, by walking away.

You have the power over your own life, none over hers.

I know how hard this all is, t2f. It stinks, really it does.