Dad has been drinking in secret
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
Dad has been drinking in secret
From another thread where a new member asked if her husband of 16 years can cut back . . .
I have spent the past week in the intensive care unit watching my father; he has had brain surgery, possibly lost his eyesight, broken three ribs, has spinal fluid leaking out one eye, and will need more surgery in the near future to repair 16 skull fractures. We very nearly lost him.
At eleven this morning a hospital staff member introduced herself to my sister as being a counselor who helps with "alcohol and alcholism" and she asked to speak with my father. My sister told her she had the wrong room and the counselor asked to speak with my mother. She found a quiet room, one of the rooms in which grief stricken families are asked if they would like to donate the organs of dying relatives to save someone else's life, and introduced herself as a counselor who helps with alcohol and alocholism. "Is your husband an alcoholic?" she asked.
"Past tense or present tense?" My mother replied. Today at 11 am.
My mother proceeded to recount how she nearly left my dad in 1975. He had been drinking with the boys a lot. He'd had one DUI in 1975. But he'd quit drinking up until a few years ago. She said her husband was not an alcoholic. She asked why the counselor was talking to her. The counselor said she had a few questions to ask about my Dad's drinking. My mother asked what proof the counselor had that my father was an alcoholic in the present tense. The counselor replied that there was information she had received from the hospital that first treated my dad that alcohol had been involved in this accident. (The local hospital couldn't do the brain surgery, they'd rushed him to a larger hospital.) My mother asked to see the proof. Three times she asked to see the proof. It wasn't until another nurse came in (who was not the counselor) and stated his blood alcohol record that my mother beleived it was an issue.
She threatened to leave him in 1975. She didn't leave him. He has been hiding the extent of his drinking from her for the past few years. We're going back and remembering the times we've been faced with intermittent examples that his drinking has been out of control lately, but it's been our style of denial that we have pretended these occassions when we talk to him and he's been obviously drunk that he doesn't do it often. It turns out my mother, when asked point blank that she not keep alcohol in the house two weeks ago, said "no, I need my wine." She walked two miles in the cold last night to get a drink. When visiting with my sister last month, she could not go one day without a drink, something I just learned today. And I wish to say this: if you think that someone you love is an alcoholic and has started drinking more lately please tell them you are concerned. Please, if you talk to them long distance and notice they are drunk after thirty years of sobriety, talk to them, talk to people who love them close by and indicate your concern. Please do not ignore issues and hope they will go away if they go into hiding.
I am praying for healing for my father, and for some comfort for my mother.
As an aside, my Father in Law was given the "ultimatum" by Mother in Law when he was about the same age as my AH. He quit cold turkey on the spot (it helped that he showed up to find her at the door with her bags packed out and headed out). And he didn't drink a drop for about 10 years; now he does have a glass of wine and has been controlling it for about 10 years - but his wife recently confided in me that he was starting to drink more and if he didn't stop she was leaving him.
At eleven this morning a hospital staff member introduced herself to my sister as being a counselor who helps with "alcohol and alcholism" and she asked to speak with my father. My sister told her she had the wrong room and the counselor asked to speak with my mother. She found a quiet room, one of the rooms in which grief stricken families are asked if they would like to donate the organs of dying relatives to save someone else's life, and introduced herself as a counselor who helps with alcohol and alocholism. "Is your husband an alcoholic?" she asked.
"Past tense or present tense?" My mother replied. Today at 11 am.
My mother proceeded to recount how she nearly left my dad in 1975. He had been drinking with the boys a lot. He'd had one DUI in 1975. But he'd quit drinking up until a few years ago. She said her husband was not an alcoholic. She asked why the counselor was talking to her. The counselor said she had a few questions to ask about my Dad's drinking. My mother asked what proof the counselor had that my father was an alcoholic in the present tense. The counselor replied that there was information she had received from the hospital that first treated my dad that alcohol had been involved in this accident. (The local hospital couldn't do the brain surgery, they'd rushed him to a larger hospital.) My mother asked to see the proof. Three times she asked to see the proof. It wasn't until another nurse came in (who was not the counselor) and stated his blood alcohol record that my mother beleived it was an issue.
She threatened to leave him in 1975. She didn't leave him. He has been hiding the extent of his drinking from her for the past few years. We're going back and remembering the times we've been faced with intermittent examples that his drinking has been out of control lately, but it's been our style of denial that we have pretended these occassions when we talk to him and he's been obviously drunk that he doesn't do it often. It turns out my mother, when asked point blank that she not keep alcohol in the house two weeks ago, said "no, I need my wine." She walked two miles in the cold last night to get a drink. When visiting with my sister last month, she could not go one day without a drink, something I just learned today. And I wish to say this: if you think that someone you love is an alcoholic and has started drinking more lately please tell them you are concerned. Please, if you talk to them long distance and notice they are drunk after thirty years of sobriety, talk to them, talk to people who love them close by and indicate your concern. Please do not ignore issues and hope they will go away if they go into hiding.
I am praying for healing for my father, and for some comfort for my mother.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I am sorry this is happening, Covington. Alcoholism is a crafty, vicious thing, and I am sorry it has latched on to both your mom and dad. I too had parents who were alcohol abusers, and I know how heartbreaking it is.
How are you taking care of yourself, in this time? This must be exhausting, and I worry about you. You cannot change their choices, but you can keep their choices from destroying your life. Do you attend Al-Anon or counseling? I can only speak for myself, but both of them saved my sanity.
How are you taking care of yourself, in this time? This must be exhausting, and I worry about you. You cannot change their choices, but you can keep their choices from destroying your life. Do you attend Al-Anon or counseling? I can only speak for myself, but both of them saved my sanity.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Covington, I'm praying for peace and comfort for your family, I'm sorry for this difficult time in your lives.
Reading your share about the counselor brought back a memory of how I found hope. I was 2 weeks sober, lying in a mental hospital. They sent a male nurse to see me, he was an alcohol counselor.
I'm pretty sure there have been times in my life when angels have been close by, but this was the first time I've known I was talking directly to one.
His name was Steve, he strongly suggested I get serious about AA, I'm not sure I'd be alive today if it weren't for him.
Reading your share about the counselor brought back a memory of how I found hope. I was 2 weeks sober, lying in a mental hospital. They sent a male nurse to see me, he was an alcohol counselor.
I'm pretty sure there have been times in my life when angels have been close by, but this was the first time I've known I was talking directly to one.
His name was Steve, he strongly suggested I get serious about AA, I'm not sure I'd be alive today if it weren't for him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry too, Covington, and my prayers go out for your father and your family.
How sad it is that it sometimes takes a tragedy to notice what we have chosen to ignore or excuse or deny for so long.
I don't know if you or your family go to Al-Anon, but I do know how much that fellowship has helped so many of us deal with our loved one's addiction to alcohol.
We're here and we care and will keep you all in our prayers.
Hugs
How sad it is that it sometimes takes a tragedy to notice what we have chosen to ignore or excuse or deny for so long.
I don't know if you or your family go to Al-Anon, but I do know how much that fellowship has helped so many of us deal with our loved one's addiction to alcohol.
We're here and we care and will keep you all in our prayers.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
I am so very sorry & understand how hard it is to watch our loved one's do such damage to themselves & their families. I will be sending out positive thoughts for you all & hope you find stregnth & some inner peace during this time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Covington, my thoughts and prayers are with you ad your famly.
Alcoholism is the curse of many a family, and it's distructive force is in every corner of this world.
Those who are faced with seeing loved ones in it's vile grip, suffer so very much, many in silence and hidden pain.
For your own mental and physical well being may I strongly suggest you seek some form of counselling and I endorse Alanon as a wonderful learning and support experience.
God bless
Alcoholism is the curse of many a family, and it's distructive force is in every corner of this world.
Those who are faced with seeing loved ones in it's vile grip, suffer so very much, many in silence and hidden pain.
For your own mental and physical well being may I strongly suggest you seek some form of counselling and I endorse Alanon as a wonderful learning and support experience.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
Thank you to every person who shared hope, prayers and suggestions on ways to heal.
We've been here every day at the hospital, and are waiting for a second surgry. He can see out of one eye, and is starting to eat again. He lost vision in one eye two days ago. It puts things in perspective--how fragile life is. Also how cumulatively decisions to take care of ourselves has a huge impact on the people who love us.
The silence is deafening on this topic as his relatives visit. After the second surgery when he is out of the woods, and out of the hospital, that's when my Mom plans to broach the topic of his blood alcohol level on the day of the accident.
He keeps describing how the events unfolded as if alcohol were not involved. (2 people on a 4 wheeler, small hill, but no mntion of alcohol). Sigh. I'm definitely going to Al Anon when back on the West Coast. I may not be doing my dad any favors, but I hardly think this is the time to press the issue, considering how adamant my mother is that he be physically healed before he is told that if he does not get counseling and quit drinking she'll leave. Maybe she's waiting to see if she really wants to deliver that ultamatium, and it isn't really up to me to try to make her.
Peace.
We've been here every day at the hospital, and are waiting for a second surgry. He can see out of one eye, and is starting to eat again. He lost vision in one eye two days ago. It puts things in perspective--how fragile life is. Also how cumulatively decisions to take care of ourselves has a huge impact on the people who love us.
The silence is deafening on this topic as his relatives visit. After the second surgery when he is out of the woods, and out of the hospital, that's when my Mom plans to broach the topic of his blood alcohol level on the day of the accident.
He keeps describing how the events unfolded as if alcohol were not involved. (2 people on a 4 wheeler, small hill, but no mntion of alcohol). Sigh. I'm definitely going to Al Anon when back on the West Coast. I may not be doing my dad any favors, but I hardly think this is the time to press the issue, considering how adamant my mother is that he be physically healed before he is told that if he does not get counseling and quit drinking she'll leave. Maybe she's waiting to see if she really wants to deliver that ultamatium, and it isn't really up to me to try to make her.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Thank you for taking the time to update us, Covington. It's amazing how strong the denial can be for an alcoholic, isn't it?
Continuing to keep all of you in my prayers. Please take care of yourself. :ghug2
Continuing to keep all of you in my prayers. Please take care of yourself. :ghug2
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