What to say, when to say it, what to avoid?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
What to say? whatever you wish if you do so respectfully, you are free
When to say it? when you are calm and have time.
What to avoid? drugs, alcohol, toxic people, dangerous places, violence in any form...
As LTD says... as long as we think we can "win" ... we will always feel frustrated or defeated... we can't take someone out of denial... and our time is valuable to have to explain RESPECT to someone else...
When I thought a person was a victim of alcoholism, but fundamentally a good person, I was doomed...
When I realize alcohol or not his actions show he didn't give a damn sober or drunk or whatever... it is much easier to let go.
((HUGS))
When to say it? when you are calm and have time.
What to avoid? drugs, alcohol, toxic people, dangerous places, violence in any form...
As LTD says... as long as we think we can "win" ... we will always feel frustrated or defeated... we can't take someone out of denial... and our time is valuable to have to explain RESPECT to someone else...
When I thought a person was a victim of alcoholism, but fundamentally a good person, I was doomed...
When I realize alcohol or not his actions show he didn't give a damn sober or drunk or whatever... it is much easier to let go.
((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
This thread has brought up a lot memories. I can actually laugh at myself now when I think back to how I acted during my relationship with my A XBF..specifically from April 2008 thru September 2008. I think it was when I started attending Al-Anon meetings at the first of July 2008 and continuing after to attend that helpd me see the light and understand detachment. By August 2008, I told my A XBF to quit hiding the alcohol and just drink as much as he wanted, that it was his choice and I would stay out of it. I don't think that I had ever seen him so happy. He was finally able to drink out in the open and he loved it. I just kept detaching and observing. My observations led me to make the decision to finally leave him, because I just didn't like being in a relationship with someone who drank daily , was untrustworthy, unreliable, and unstable. I think back to all of the crazy things I did during that relationship, up until I started getting help for myself and learning how to detach.....it just makes me giggle at myself. I'm very happy that I can laugh at myself and no longer beat myself up for all of that drama that I created for myself by trying to keep myself involved in another person's business. I think that the one thing that rings true for me now is that each person has choices and is responsible for his or her choices/actions. If I don't like a person's choices/actions, I can always choose not to be involved with that person. I now know that there is nothing that I can do nor want to do... to change that person's choices/actions. If it bothers me, I can walk away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Good tips from everyone. I guess the problem is that the decisions he makes are still affecting my life. He does have a job now, but was trying to run a business for 8 months, leaving us in a bad situation. My parents actually gave us a big loan so that he could start this second business (the first one he left because he didn't want to work with his business partner, thinking it wasn't going anywhere -- not his fault, right?) Anyway, my pay check is good, but it can't possibly cover even all our bills from the mortgage on the house we bought TOGETHER in January, that BOTH OUR NAMES is on, to the two car payments, which HIS car is in my name because he had no credit yet, having just moved here, and MY car is in his name, to credit cards where we are almost all joint on them, and the bank account my paycheck is direct deposited into that we are joint on and ALL our bills are coming from automatically and trust me that's like 12 recurring bills. etc..
OK so obviously we are completely entangled financially, and that was all my mistake.
He has just started working, so part of me is thinking, he's working hard, he will get paid, should I weather the storm long enough that we start getting a paycheck from him, and get him on his feet, and then split all our stuff up fairly / cordially... or do I protect myself now, pull all the remaining money (not too much anymore) out of the bank account, open a new one, switch all the bills over to it, and risk him raging and then never contributing to the bills, seeing that I don't trust him and potentially doing things even more damaging to our situation? I just don't know what to do there. It's scary that if he's not reacting crazily at the moment, that I could set that off by showing him I don't trust him at all with the finances any more and think he's not responsible, which could set him on a kick where he shows me just how financially irresponsible he can be? Ug. Neither option sounds good!!
So the past 3 days now I have gone to different meetings after work, and last night was out for a friend's birthday (mutual friend, he saw the email before too so he should probably already have known where I was going then), and didn't get home until the evening each night. Last night he was asleep when I got in.
Yesterday while I was at work and so was he, he messaged me online in chat asking me a couple questions on our bills, which I answered, basically asking me if I'd been spending money in the past couple of days while I was out. I said no I've spent nothing. He asked, where have you been then? I said, I'd like to talk about this later in person, not online, and I"m also very busy at work. He got cranky and responded that obviously I was not a very good wife because I was going out every night by myself, made an insinuation that I was seeing some other man, etc. I told him I wasn't hiding anything from him, and if he wanted to speak to me respectfully and without the insults and insinuations IN PERSON that I'd be more than happy to let him know what was going on in my life. He hadn't been speaking to me at home for 2 days and suddenly online one afternoon he is demanding answers and calling me a sneak. He told me, fine well I"ll be home late tonight. I said OK. Me too.
I let it go, blocked him, went back to my work.
I got home and he had put his wedding ring on the counter where I'd see it, his usual display to show me how he doesn't care, or to show me that I was obviously not being a good wife and the marriage means nothing, etc. I ignored it and went to bed.
Today is the day he'd said he wanted to talk in the evening. So I messaged him and said, are you still wanting to talk this evening as you said you did the other day? He said, Please leave me alone. I said OK, well since you are indicating you don't want to talk later, I will go about my business then, bye. He jumped in with "ohh like it matters, you're the one who goes out three nights in a row and doesn't tell her husband where she's been" and back to the sarcastic 'good wife' comments, insinuations about me cheating, etc. I said, You had an opportunity all week to speak to me politely and with respect about what's going on in my life. The way you are speaking to me now is not OK with me. He then demanded to know where I'd been, and I said the way you are talking to me makes me feel threatened and controlled and disrespected. I won't continue this conversation. And I logged off.. at that time he was typing something like "I'm not being controlling, if that's what you're thinking, because this is just not how a good wife behaves." or something ridiculous.
Now I'm doing OK, a little annoyed but trying to stay cool and just let it go and get back to my work. No biggie, as expected.. then I get this email 3 hours later:
"I have decided to stay away for a couple of days.
Just wanted to give you a heads up. I feel that this the best for me right now since I am getting no answers to my questions. Please give our dog a hug for me."
I need help knowing how to respond. I don't care if he stays away, but as I said before our financials are a dire situation... so I DEFINITELY am not OK with him going and blowing money on a hotel or drinks/food out, because he hasn't yet made his first pay check.
Half of me is pretty sure he's trying to get me to meet his demands (answer his questions on his terms), and that he's full of sh*t. The other half thinks he will probably go pretty far to teach me this lesson he's trying to teach me. He doesn't have a lot of friends but he might know one or two people who would let him crash at their place (all big drinkers from his office, I'm sure). So if he wants to do that, fine, as long as it's not costing me precious money!
I could respond with, "OK." or.. I could ask him where he is planning on staying-- but I don't want to get roped into a "you won't tell me where you've been so i don't have to tell you where i'm going" argument. But I'm concerned about the money. How do I detach and still protect myself?
Even if I clear our the bank account, there are bills that need to come out of there, and I'm sure he could find SOME way to run a credit card up even higher, etc. So I guess I can't stop him completely yet.. I don't know!!
Help??
OK so obviously we are completely entangled financially, and that was all my mistake.
He has just started working, so part of me is thinking, he's working hard, he will get paid, should I weather the storm long enough that we start getting a paycheck from him, and get him on his feet, and then split all our stuff up fairly / cordially... or do I protect myself now, pull all the remaining money (not too much anymore) out of the bank account, open a new one, switch all the bills over to it, and risk him raging and then never contributing to the bills, seeing that I don't trust him and potentially doing things even more damaging to our situation? I just don't know what to do there. It's scary that if he's not reacting crazily at the moment, that I could set that off by showing him I don't trust him at all with the finances any more and think he's not responsible, which could set him on a kick where he shows me just how financially irresponsible he can be? Ug. Neither option sounds good!!
So the past 3 days now I have gone to different meetings after work, and last night was out for a friend's birthday (mutual friend, he saw the email before too so he should probably already have known where I was going then), and didn't get home until the evening each night. Last night he was asleep when I got in.
Yesterday while I was at work and so was he, he messaged me online in chat asking me a couple questions on our bills, which I answered, basically asking me if I'd been spending money in the past couple of days while I was out. I said no I've spent nothing. He asked, where have you been then? I said, I'd like to talk about this later in person, not online, and I"m also very busy at work. He got cranky and responded that obviously I was not a very good wife because I was going out every night by myself, made an insinuation that I was seeing some other man, etc. I told him I wasn't hiding anything from him, and if he wanted to speak to me respectfully and without the insults and insinuations IN PERSON that I'd be more than happy to let him know what was going on in my life. He hadn't been speaking to me at home for 2 days and suddenly online one afternoon he is demanding answers and calling me a sneak. He told me, fine well I"ll be home late tonight. I said OK. Me too.
I let it go, blocked him, went back to my work.
I got home and he had put his wedding ring on the counter where I'd see it, his usual display to show me how he doesn't care, or to show me that I was obviously not being a good wife and the marriage means nothing, etc. I ignored it and went to bed.
Today is the day he'd said he wanted to talk in the evening. So I messaged him and said, are you still wanting to talk this evening as you said you did the other day? He said, Please leave me alone. I said OK, well since you are indicating you don't want to talk later, I will go about my business then, bye. He jumped in with "ohh like it matters, you're the one who goes out three nights in a row and doesn't tell her husband where she's been" and back to the sarcastic 'good wife' comments, insinuations about me cheating, etc. I said, You had an opportunity all week to speak to me politely and with respect about what's going on in my life. The way you are speaking to me now is not OK with me. He then demanded to know where I'd been, and I said the way you are talking to me makes me feel threatened and controlled and disrespected. I won't continue this conversation. And I logged off.. at that time he was typing something like "I'm not being controlling, if that's what you're thinking, because this is just not how a good wife behaves." or something ridiculous.
Now I'm doing OK, a little annoyed but trying to stay cool and just let it go and get back to my work. No biggie, as expected.. then I get this email 3 hours later:
"I have decided to stay away for a couple of days.
Just wanted to give you a heads up. I feel that this the best for me right now since I am getting no answers to my questions. Please give our dog a hug for me."
I need help knowing how to respond. I don't care if he stays away, but as I said before our financials are a dire situation... so I DEFINITELY am not OK with him going and blowing money on a hotel or drinks/food out, because he hasn't yet made his first pay check.
Half of me is pretty sure he's trying to get me to meet his demands (answer his questions on his terms), and that he's full of sh*t. The other half thinks he will probably go pretty far to teach me this lesson he's trying to teach me. He doesn't have a lot of friends but he might know one or two people who would let him crash at their place (all big drinkers from his office, I'm sure). So if he wants to do that, fine, as long as it's not costing me precious money!
I could respond with, "OK." or.. I could ask him where he is planning on staying-- but I don't want to get roped into a "you won't tell me where you've been so i don't have to tell you where i'm going" argument. But I'm concerned about the money. How do I detach and still protect myself?
Even if I clear our the bank account, there are bills that need to come out of there, and I'm sure he could find SOME way to run a credit card up even higher, etc. So I guess I can't stop him completely yet.. I don't know!!
Help??
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
If you are in control of bringing in the money and paying the bills, then why not just remove him from your account and cancel his credit cards? If you're going to say because it'll just start a fight with him then my answer is "yeah, but there's a fight about the money anyway". If he serves no purpose in the income, then he should have no reason to be a part of the outcome either.
I wanted SOO bad to remove him from everything but I really wanted to avoid the argument so I set up a second account, with only my name. He never knew about it. I would have my check deposited into my account and a small bit put in our account. He never knew anything, since I was in charge of the income and the bills. He was denied a few times with our account but he never argued with me about it--what was he going to say?? "I went to the store to buy a case a beer and the debit card was denied. WTH???"
I wanted SOO bad to remove him from everything but I really wanted to avoid the argument so I set up a second account, with only my name. He never knew about it. I would have my check deposited into my account and a small bit put in our account. He never knew anything, since I was in charge of the income and the bills. He was denied a few times with our account but he never argued with me about it--what was he going to say?? "I went to the store to buy a case a beer and the debit card was denied. WTH???"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
AnvilHead-- I need to hear this stuff, that's why I'm asking for advice. I am still trying to understand, and I spent so much time ignoring the severity of my situation that it takes a little repetition and smacks in the face to confirm what is really going on and what i must do! I appreciate the thoughts.
I'm most concerned about our mortgage.. that's something I can't just 'cancel', and he's threatened to be a pill about it if I were to want him to sell / get off the title / etc.
Still waters- Funny you say that.. there was the huge argument that set off MY changes in myself, about 2 weeks ago (after which he finally admitted he had a problem / cut back / got a job), and during that crisis time, he'd withdrawn $500 from teh bank account, spent about 300 on booze, cigarettes, expensive cabs, etc.. to avoid dealing with me. Bought himself some nice steamed crabs, everything.. he DESERVED it, right? I had left that 500 in the bank account in order to pay bills and told him to put it back but he didn't, and it was gone.
When he said he'd change and apologized and cried I believed him to an extent and I didn't take time out of my work day to switch over all my accounts. He agreed to get separate bank accounts and contribute equally to the bills, etc. But he hasn't gotten that first pay check yet, as I said.. and won't for another couple weeks.
Anyway, During that crisis time I did call one of our cc companies and tell them I wanted replacement cards sent out, that ours were lost. I told them I only wanted one and to mail it to me at work but they could only mail it to the house. They also sent two.. by the time they arrived things were settled, and AH thought nothing of the cards, thought they were just new ones to replace expired ones. I never told him I did that. .. but there are plenty of other accounts.
Good tip though.. I'd like to cut them all up. But I might need them, and at this point it might be really hard for me to get another credit card again..
I'm most concerned about our mortgage.. that's something I can't just 'cancel', and he's threatened to be a pill about it if I were to want him to sell / get off the title / etc.
Still waters- Funny you say that.. there was the huge argument that set off MY changes in myself, about 2 weeks ago (after which he finally admitted he had a problem / cut back / got a job), and during that crisis time, he'd withdrawn $500 from teh bank account, spent about 300 on booze, cigarettes, expensive cabs, etc.. to avoid dealing with me. Bought himself some nice steamed crabs, everything.. he DESERVED it, right? I had left that 500 in the bank account in order to pay bills and told him to put it back but he didn't, and it was gone.
When he said he'd change and apologized and cried I believed him to an extent and I didn't take time out of my work day to switch over all my accounts. He agreed to get separate bank accounts and contribute equally to the bills, etc. But he hasn't gotten that first pay check yet, as I said.. and won't for another couple weeks.
Anyway, During that crisis time I did call one of our cc companies and tell them I wanted replacement cards sent out, that ours were lost. I told them I only wanted one and to mail it to me at work but they could only mail it to the house. They also sent two.. by the time they arrived things were settled, and AH thought nothing of the cards, thought they were just new ones to replace expired ones. I never told him I did that. .. but there are plenty of other accounts.
Good tip though.. I'd like to cut them all up. But I might need them, and at this point it might be really hard for me to get another credit card again..
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