NewMe11109

We had already been married for some time, although these parameters also work for non-alcoholic situations.

What I find interesting after I wrote them down for you is that she never said "you can't drink" or "you can't drink more than xxx amount". Instead the parameters were for the results of drinking not the drinking itself. So, if I could moderate, then fine. If not, then I couldn't cross those lines.

She never nagged me about drinking, so I couldn't argue with her that I could control my drinking. She just said "look, I don't care if you can or can't moderate your drinking - that is just hurting you - but once it starts to affect us, then we have a problem". Interesting when I think about it in this context.

Learn2Live

me11109 Your wife sounds like a woman who knows where she is going in life, has set healthy boundaries for herself and her children, and is able to allow others to choose their own path. I have a lot of respect for that.

coping123

I could have written the same post, Mitsy.
Xabf called me 'his bright shiny beacon of hope sent by God' - and my response to him was that the HP must have re-inserted me - a non-drinker - in his life for a purpose (we were friends 20 years ago). Although our gf-bf relationship with was very very short (I saw the red flags pretty early in the game), I stuck around because I loved him and saw all those good qualities under the guilt and depression.

Although I finally found my 'detachment' this week... we're still texting & I am in the process of setting up my 'boundaries' with him. He's finally opening up to me - not talking about the drinking yet but getting there - and as he plays out his victim role & tells me that I 'can't set the rules and regulations' - I hit him back with 'I can set the rules & values and boundaries in my own life as to who and what I will allow in that will make me happy'... he never replied after that one - he'll sit on that for a few days, which is fine with me.

I could have completely walked away after detaching, and planned to - but I still feel I have more to do in this; that we were brought to each other for a reason - me to learn that 'I can't control/fix everything' & 'when to walk away' - but I also feel as though I am suppose to be here for him - because I am the only one strong enough who can, for the support of comfort and love as he 'walks on his path', and I am willing to be his 'cheerleader' as long as he can respect my boundaries and adhere to my rules for 'me'. We'll see how that goes... if he cannot respect that, then well, he's on his own & I will not be a part of his life. He has only one chance w/me - if he chooses wrong, then he's on his own. I'm sticking to my guns.

Mitsy

When I feel extra sad at times (even almost a year after our relationship really ended), I try to remind myself of the many, many times that he hung up on that "Angel" who meant so much to him. The verbal abuse was more than I'd ever endured from anyone in my entire life and my logical self would have told him to go to hell if I had not been so caught up with him and knowing that it was the "booze" talking and that wasn't how he really was. I let excuses keep me entangled with his web of addiction/problems/drama. I hope your guy does see the light, but please be prepared for that not to happen. We have to take care of ourselves because we cannot count on an alcoholic to help take care of us. I predict a life of more drama and unhappiness for my ex-bf because he has never sought treatment. I would experience more of the same if I continued on his train wrecked life. It's very hard to move on, but slowly I'm doing it.

In fact, a new guy asked me out last night which just DOES NOT ever happen. I don't know a lot about him but know that he's not into booze or cigs so that is a definite plus for him. Right now, I just need to be meeting new people and having some fun because I honestly did not have much fun in the 2 years that I dealt with my alcoholic.

veryregretful

In my opinion an alcoholic cannot cut down. my husband was a heavy drinker. he was sober from january to august to this year then started drinking again. he stated that he could have 1 or 2 beers and be fine. well those 1 or 2 beers turned out to be 1 or 2 sixpacks. so i don't think they can cut down. that's the reason that he has been gone from this household for over 24 hours now. I just couldn't stand the chaos anymore.

good luck

24Years

I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I've been married 24 years and am in similar shoes. My husband is highly functioning, and it took him 6 years to admit to me he's an alcoholic (told a friend 6 years ago but I promised not to tell that I knew that). I've had to keep some heavy boundaries and he is way more pleasant to be around (all of the time) than 6 years ago. He currently wants to quit his way (as in the past) and as far as I know hasn't been drinking at all as of recent. I'm waiting for the next slip to give him the next boundary...it's been a lot of work for me to stay in our relationship; but I've also wanted to learn about the disease, etc., and everything is a process...