transformyself

Not that I"m doing it consistently, but you know what the Japanese say:
Fall down seven times; get up eight.

I'm going to bed right now guys, literally pulled an all nighter and am exhaustimicated.

AH has:
come over when he got back into town and brought us muffins
helped himself to my dinner
sat with Oldest Child eating (which is ok with my I busied myself)
called me after he left to say, "You know I wasn't out drinking last night" as if I freaking care.


I have been kind to myself, watching how I feel and thinking about all the wise things said here.

Starting tomorrow, focusing on my own darn self. No snooping, no obsessing, just taking care of my house, my kids and my work.

Wanna join me?

trapeze

I'm in.

transformyself

Awrighty then.

I'm going to bed and will see/talk with you in the morning.

Why do I feel so resistant? I'm happier when I'm away from him.
Bottom Line: The guy doesn't love or respect me. Even when he's so charming and sweet and seemingly attentive. He will still hurt me, cross my boundaries and not respect me.

That's the trick now isn't it? Not to be lured into using those horse blinders Zac has threatened to take off..

wanting

OMG, this thread is my new home. I have recently seen that I cannot talk to AH about anything, period. It always turns out that I am either called a bunch of horrible names, or I'm manipulated with fake niceness to get what he wants. No!

The god news is that I am *finally* feeling like I'm not in love with him anymore. I honestly don't care what he does, as long as my kids are safe.

coyote21

Theres a Freudian slip if ever I've seen one! Ha!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

wanting

Ha! Yes it is.

Jadmack25

That realization is really well described as God news.

God bless

Cowgirl1265

Its another new day, friends, and another opportunity to do WONDERFUL things for yourselves. I hope you have a spectacular day, and aren't subjected to the abuse and manipulation of an A today!

gowest

I need this thread right now too.

It isn't even the xrahbf that is the problem it is me.
I want to take his inventory so badly that my teeth hurt.
ugh!

So much worse when the only person the finger points is towards one's self.

Yes I understand that it is always about US and not about THEM but that is what I am talking about.

That even when you have done enough work to see that the problem is you, controlling it is a whole different ball game.

The irony for me, is that is what actually gives me great empathy for those who battle addiction -- I actually "get it", how hard it is to fight, how badly you have to want it, and how easy it is to slip.

yuck - must remind myself:
How hard I want to fight for myself
How badly I want it for myself

transformyself

GOOD MORNING :day6

Well, I had a brief conversation with Ah this morning, discussing logistics of when he'll spend time with the kids. No funny business. He wasn't flirty, chatty. This is good because it means he's creating boundaries with me too.

Now it's my job to forget that I know why. Forget busting into his email and seeing the four different Internet dating sites he's registered on.

But this is good. He's doing the right thing and staying away from me. We're separated and he's maintained for a long time (well since I busted him texting his girlfriend in August) that he doesn't want to be married to me. Oh, wrong, since about Feb when he started getting drunk and raging at me that he is divorcing me.

Oh, sorry, since about 6 months after we started dating. Yeah. 1996. That’s when he started breaking up with me, leaving me, and cheating.

Ah, what a lovely romance. And did I accept that? Did I recognized an unhealthy situation, a man uninterested in me romantically and move on in my life? No I did not. I chased after him. And when he wouldn't take the bait, I would go over to his apartment, take off my clothes, and get into his bed. Always worked. He could never say no. Now of course I know that isn't because I'm special to him, unfortunately, but due to other mysterious yet ultimately unimportant reasons.

What lovely memories. Me, desperately chasing a drunken man who didn't want me, for 12 years.

Okey dokey. Well, I've done this before. Turned away, turned my attention away from him with EACH THOUGHT and not allowed them to grow. Not walked down that path. I remember with clarity the very first time I tried this brilliant yet terrifying strategy.

He had moved out in 2004, told me he wasn’t in love with me and was divorcing me. I found out he had slept with a woman who pretended to be my friend (bi-polar sociopath) who I had told to stay away from me and my family because she was so obviously after my husband.

So, I tried something I had never tried before and I let him go. Didn't take long for him to come home, though, in a whirlwind of romance and of course, great sex.

I've had plenty of practice with that whole letting go thing now. I focus on myself (and not on how unhappy, fat or worthless I am cause that's an option too, I just don't take that path) but rather on what I need to do right now to make my life better. To become the woman I will respect and love the most. Right now in this present moment. I've actually gotten quite good at this part of the dance.

And I can predict from previous experiences that AH will chase after me when I do this.

Ordinarily I enjoy it and live in denial that this means he will be capable of loving and respecting me. Flirt with him, sleep with him and then guess what happens?!

Go ahead, guess....

Mitsy

And that has to be the point at which you decide you want more for yourself, you want more for your kids. My ex-boyfriend put me through enough that it's a wonder I had any good feelings for him at all after 2 years but even now, I still have some angst if I see his car or know he's in the same store or something. As I've posted about before, I think you need to remember some of the bad stuff in order to move on w/your life. If you look back & only remember the good things, that makes it much harder to let go and find a better life. They are not going to change for any of us--they can only change for themselves. The sad reality is that MANY do not change & they continue to drink and abuse their bodies while blaming everyone around them. If someone continues to drink and abuse others, then they must not be allowed to continue that abuse. Being alone is better than dealing with a drunk's abusive behavior. Been there.

wanting

Blegh, I feel like such an idiot today. I let AH borrow money over the past month until he got his financial aid check, and he promised he'd pay me back. Today, I have a really important bill due and he's refusing to give me any money. I wish I could go back in time and not have let him borrow money and not have spent money on his dumb birthday. How can he live with himself?

wanting

You are right, and I don't know why I am still shocked and hurt when he does stuff like this.

Learn2Live

I've learned that is a good idea to not ever loan money out and expect the person to pay it back.

Here is the rule I ALWAYS live by. It comes in very handy in personal relationships:

No matter WHO is asking to borrow money, no matter WHAT they are asking for it for, if you cannot afford to give the money away, you cannot afford to loan it out.

AND, if they KNOW you have it, they will ask for it. So, better also to keep your finances both separate and secret.

transformyself

TRICKS THAT HAVE WORKED FOR ME

Repeating the following four sentences works every single time I"m feeling abandoned or desperate.
I am leaving you now
This is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behavior
All is for my greater good.


Sorry to point out the obvious, Wanting, but he's verbally abusive to you, blameshifts and refuses to pay you back money you loaned him. Also a jerk and doesn't deserve to lick your shoes, but hey, that's beside the point.

I suggest you go NO CONTACT with Prince Charming ASAP. What a great idea!

I got these off the internet, but first I think you need to
MAKE THE DECISION TO END THIS
which only you (or I for that matter) can do.
This might include telling yourself the above four sentences every hour. Set a timer and read them out loud.

Here is a fine guideline.


The No Contact Rule

If you are not acquainted with the No Contact Rule, now is the time. The ‘No Contact Rule’ is established for the following reason; an inability to cut off a relationship that is over.

While the rule may sound simple, let me tell you, it’s not, which is all the more reason to enforce it when possible. Breaking up with someone can cause a rollercoaster of emotions including anger, frustration and large amounts of pain which is all the more reason to get away as soon as possible from the source that is causing it. Relationships can be dragged out for months and in some cases years when one or both parties stays in continual contact even though its obvious that the relationship is long over.

How to abide by the No Contact Rule

1. No calling. Period. I don’t care if your cat ran away; your house burned down or if your car dumped you on the side of the road. Drama is not a reason to stir up a phone call to the ex. Drunk dialing is big no-no as well. If you feel like calling, call a friend until the feeling passes.
2. No sex. I know giving up a relationship means giving up sex, but it’s a dangerous recipe to continue intimate relations with an ex. Not only can you become dependent on this closeness but it keeps you in the dark ages on the “get over him” timeline. That’s what vibrators are for.
3. No spying. You would be amazed at how many women I have known that take it upon themselves to do a quick drive by of the ex’s house. This can satisfy that craving to know if he is home or out on the town with the boys. Worse case scenario you see a strange car outside and your imagination hits an all time high. Don’t do it. This can cause an emotional phone call (see #1) to your ex. Besides, blabbing to him what you saw will only make you look psycho. Not good.
4. No information sharing through friends. If you the two of you have mutual friends, don’t volunteer information to them in hopes they are going to tell your ex. It is tempting to want your ex to know that you won the million dollar lottery or just met the man of your dreams but it benefits neither one of you in the end. If your friends are blabbing, ask them nicely to keep your personal information to themselves.
5. Get rid of temptation by deleting your ex’s phone number from your mobile/cell phone (this will prevent drunk dialing) and block his email address. This adds more security layers to the No Contact Rule in an age of technology.

Alternatetly, I have changed my AH number in my phone to More Stupid S***, but Wanting, you may want to change it to More Guilt And Pain

The No Contact Rule exists to hasten the healing process. By dragging out the end of a relationship, it only delays you from happiness in the future. It is important to allow yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to start fresh. Remember, no contact means NO CONTACT.


__________________

transformyself

By the way, lets also do a little writing exercise.
How can you edit this post
so that it:
does not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
and
helps you accept the things you cannot change and
makes a plan to change the things you can

I know I"ve vented her and IRL plenty, but then we may have to take back disparaging things we say about ourselves and learn to rethink and resay them.

Hugs!

wanting

How I can edit it...

I'm so glad that AH has given me the opportunity to sever all financial ties! It's a real gift to know that I only have to worry about my finances and never have to worry about his ever again!

That's all I got.

TakingCharge999

Great thread!

I got 10 months of No contact - no personal interactions. Almost a year *****o! I like to think the worst of the mourning has already passed.

No contact as in no obsessing, I got two days, yahhoooo!!

They are just not great people, and I was not either but I can choose better TODAY, I KNOW I CAN. JUST TODAY.

JUST THIS HOUR from 12:11 to 1:11 PM CDT, I can think about ME, MY plans, MY goals, MY family, MY friends, MY life. And I can pat myself on the back knowing I made it through hell (or what seemed hell to me) so there is no stopping me now.

Today I am FREE.

Today, no one else is more important or more interesting or more anything than me.

transformyself

YEAH MOMMA!!

Cowgirl1265

And that's pretty darned good! Wonderfully done.