Hard
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hard
I’m having such a hard weekend and day today. I’m so sad. I’m losing so much. AH went back and got some ativan to detox with and hasn't drank since Thursday. Who knows if it will last but he's a) awake and getting stuff done and b) leaving me alone c) interacting with the kids. All good. He quit drinking when he finally accepted we are over but he couldn’t choose that for me/with me. I feel like this fundamentally flawed person that either doesn’t know how to be happy or love, doesn’t know how to make other people happy or be loved, or just doesn’t deserve it. My kids are going beserk. They fight every minute of the day. One cries over everything and the other is so angry and mean with everyone all the time. I feel like I’ve ruined everything. I don’t trust my AH. I don’t trust myself. I’m so afraid of tomorrow. I think I'm just engaging in one giant pity party and I don't know how to get over it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Cool.
Try to just stay in the present moment and allow yourself to enjoy this without expectation or wish that it will continue. Like my mom says, 'close your heart' on this one.
I doubt this is true. Whether or not he is able to quit drinking permanently honestly has nothing to do with you. It's a disease, not a reflection on you.
Me, too.
he's a) awake and getting stuff done and b) leaving me alone c) interacting with the kids.
He quit drinking when he finally accepted we are over but he couldn’t choose that for me/with me.
I’m so sad. ... I feel like this fundamentally flawed person that either doesn’t know how to be happy or love, doesn’t know how to make other people happy or be loved, or just doesn’t deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
This sounds so simple, I hope it doesn't sound insulting. I set a time limit on my pity party. I will say that I am going to wallow in the sadness and pity for an hour (or however long). Once I focus all my energy on feeling bad, I sometimes run out of steam.
Today I decided to make a gratitude list of things I'm grateful for, and not just the obvious stuff.
Good luck.
Today I decided to make a gratitude list of things I'm grateful for, and not just the obvious stuff.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I know how you feel. I wonder all the time if I am making the right choice. I told her we were done. The next day she tried to kill herself. A month later after inpatient she looks so much better.
I wonder all the time if I am making the right choice. Can I ever find or be loved again. Is this the best I can hope for in my life? I am too old to play these dumb games to meet someone new. Will I be lonely alone without her around?
I try to focus on a bright future. One where I don't have to look daily in the house for hidden bottles. One where I don't have to worry about my spouse and if she will get drunk that day. One where I don't have watch everything I say or how I stand, look, tone of voice when I say something.
I am trying to look ahead at a healthy happy me. That picture is fuzzy though and too often I find myself dwelling on sad, lonely me. Counseling has helped me look past my doubts. I just have to keep thinking that my life is in my hands. I have control over my happiness.
I wonder all the time if I am making the right choice. Can I ever find or be loved again. Is this the best I can hope for in my life? I am too old to play these dumb games to meet someone new. Will I be lonely alone without her around?
I try to focus on a bright future. One where I don't have to look daily in the house for hidden bottles. One where I don't have to worry about my spouse and if she will get drunk that day. One where I don't have watch everything I say or how I stand, look, tone of voice when I say something.
I am trying to look ahead at a healthy happy me. That picture is fuzzy though and too often I find myself dwelling on sad, lonely me. Counseling has helped me look past my doubts. I just have to keep thinking that my life is in my hands. I have control over my happiness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I had a tough weekend too and I know that it makes things doubly hard when your kid or kids are suffering too. My daughter is really going through it, partly thanks to my xabf leaving. Sometimes I think that I just don't have the strength to deal with my own feelings as well as my daughter's. And as for my work and other stuff, forget it. But somehow each hour goes by and each day and I have coped somehow. Hang in there, things have to get better one day.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Thumper!! weekend SUCKED big time for me too. But, today is a new day.
This is not easy stuff so it will take time, as M. Beattie says "trust your process" its not a straight line.... more like the last twists of a crazy rollercoaster before it finally stops.
One breathe at a time
This is not easy stuff so it will take time, as M. Beattie says "trust your process" its not a straight line.... more like the last twists of a crazy rollercoaster before it finally stops.
One breathe at a time
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 10-12-2009 at 10:47 AM.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Hi Thumper...I'm sorry for your suffering.
I remember the fear I felt when I decided to do something. Just deciding was a huge ordeal for me because I had become so sick myself. Doing what needed to be done was against everything I "thought" I should be doing. Well, everything I "thought" I should be doing was classic codependent behavior such as: all or none thinking, need to control the uncontrollable, being over-responsible, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, fear of abandonment which caused all sorts of odd reactions from me, terrified of conflict..so I would run away and wait, isolating.
I agree with Anvil on the counseling. That and Alanon helped me learn about healthy and mature living.
What can you do for yourself to day to tenderly take care of you?
I remember the fear I felt when I decided to do something. Just deciding was a huge ordeal for me because I had become so sick myself. Doing what needed to be done was against everything I "thought" I should be doing. Well, everything I "thought" I should be doing was classic codependent behavior such as: all or none thinking, need to control the uncontrollable, being over-responsible, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, fear of abandonment which caused all sorts of odd reactions from me, terrified of conflict..so I would run away and wait, isolating.
I agree with Anvil on the counseling. That and Alanon helped me learn about healthy and mature living.
What can you do for yourself to day to tenderly take care of you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Pick on just 1 thing you can handle and focus on that. Having to face all of the fall out at once, is mind blowing and soul destroying. I went into meltdown and depression, and it was a nightmare (24/7 nightmare), til I was told to pick the easiest problem or pain and deal with that first.
It worked for me.
God bless
It worked for me.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Just a little update. Jadmack25 - I'm trying to focus on something - any one thing. I'm feeling so down. I need to stay on a path - any path so I don't get lost.
So - the divorce should be final in a couple of weeks. He is still not agreeing with that. Lots of talk about how he wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing he didn't give it one chance to work. etc. etc.
I hope the house sells fast. I hope it will help to be living apart. He has application in at some apartment but it is taking so long. He may be dragging his feet on that. Hopefully after the conversation this morning he'll get moving.
We met jointly with a counselor one time - the intent was to move forward in a way that would be most beneficial for the kids. It seemed a lot like marriage counseling to me (and I think ah took it for that) but she assured me she needs to get us to communicate only to deal with conflicts with parenting, etc. We filled out a truck load of forms that are intended for marriage counseling (and then ah was mad that I wouldn't let him read mine) and we meet with her individually after that. She'll give us recommendations about counseling I guess. She has addictions background. She did seem to understand me I think.
This is just a long winded update to let you know that I have taken your advice and set up counseling for the children and am looking into that for myself. I really do appreciate all that I get from SR.
So - the divorce should be final in a couple of weeks. He is still not agreeing with that. Lots of talk about how he wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing he didn't give it one chance to work. etc. etc.
I hope the house sells fast. I hope it will help to be living apart. He has application in at some apartment but it is taking so long. He may be dragging his feet on that. Hopefully after the conversation this morning he'll get moving.
We met jointly with a counselor one time - the intent was to move forward in a way that would be most beneficial for the kids. It seemed a lot like marriage counseling to me (and I think ah took it for that) but she assured me she needs to get us to communicate only to deal with conflicts with parenting, etc. We filled out a truck load of forms that are intended for marriage counseling (and then ah was mad that I wouldn't let him read mine) and we meet with her individually after that. She'll give us recommendations about counseling I guess. She has addictions background. She did seem to understand me I think.
This is just a long winded update to let you know that I have taken your advice and set up counseling for the children and am looking into that for myself. I really do appreciate all that I get from SR.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((((Thumper))))))
Thanks for the update on you. I too felt so numb and unable to concentrate. I thought I was going mad.
I had a little mantra I chanted to get me through my day: focus, focus, focus
I would repeat that and try to stay on task, going through the motions. You know the slogan: Fake it till you make it? That was me, going through the motions and trying to focus and stay on task.
It does get better.
Keep taking care of yourself. You're appreciated!
Thanks for the update on you. I too felt so numb and unable to concentrate. I thought I was going mad.
I had a little mantra I chanted to get me through my day: focus, focus, focus
I would repeat that and try to stay on task, going through the motions. You know the slogan: Fake it till you make it? That was me, going through the motions and trying to focus and stay on task.
It does get better.
Keep taking care of yourself. You're appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Sorry Thumper, but Dear Lord how often I have to laugh at some of the things I read here. For example,
your quote: (((" the divorce should be final in a couple of weeks. He is still not agreeing with that. Lots of talk about how he wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing he didn't give it one chance to work. etc. etc.
I wondered if he ever cared a jot about you not sleeping because of his behavior, and of course the "HE giving it one more chance". Did he ever give your marriage any chance, and How many chances did he have, and blew before you finally said "divorce"?
If he goes on and on about it, let him know it is over and dusted, last chance for you was before you filed. You could also suggest he see Dr or priest if he has sleeping trouble, because you are NOT a sleeping tablet.
Another coupleof weeks and part one will be over, and you can take the next steps as slow as you need.
God bless
your quote: (((" the divorce should be final in a couple of weeks. He is still not agreeing with that. Lots of talk about how he wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing he didn't give it one chance to work. etc. etc.
I wondered if he ever cared a jot about you not sleeping because of his behavior, and of course the "HE giving it one more chance". Did he ever give your marriage any chance, and How many chances did he have, and blew before you finally said "divorce"?
If he goes on and on about it, let him know it is over and dusted, last chance for you was before you filed. You could also suggest he see Dr or priest if he has sleeping trouble, because you are NOT a sleeping tablet.
Another coupleof weeks and part one will be over, and you can take the next steps as slow as you need.
God bless
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