Learned a lot about myself last night
 

So we went to our second counseling session last night and I was armed with the need to share about my youth and how I have played a part in where our marriage is today.

The session went pretty good. He told the counselor, though, that he doesn't want to talk about his drinking. How he feels that if we do, then everything is his fault and he's stopped drinking now so we should just let everything go. He doesn't want to keep talking about the damage it has done to our marriage.

He talked about how I never give him any affection. How he doesn't feel loved by me. How he is a very affectionate type person and needs affection all the time.

During these two speeches, the counselor told me he noticed some "fear" in my eyes. I didn't even realize it was there. We started talking about how I feel when my AH talks in an intense tone of voice. I told him I just can't think. Everything goes out of my brain and I don't know what to say. I tend to withdraw inside myself. We then learned that this is a conditional behavior that stems back to when I was a very small child. My parents were never very affectionate with us. We hardly ever said I love you. I never felt like I could do anything right no matter what I did or said, because it wasn't the what they thought I should do. Therefore I spent my entire childhood trying to get their attention by doing things to hurt myself. Once I had children, though, I couldn't do that anymore, because I didn't want to hurt them too. So I started putting on a mask and pretending to be who I thought they (my AH's) wanted me to be so that I wouldn't be rejected by them.

Unfortunately I found someone with the same characteristics as my mom (except on steriods) and I continuously battle with feeling of inadequacy. My sister noticed when she was here that my AH will keep arguing with you and will beat you down anyway he can until you just give up. Now with how I was raised, that is just disaster to who I am. I don't deal well with that and to top it off I don't get to go to a "safe" place and be alone to deal with it. I have it in my face all the time and it just gets worse if I don't react they way he wants me to. Then to top it all off, there's alcoholism in the mix.

I ended up crying a lot at counseling while rehashing my childhood and why I react the way I do. I cried even harder on the way home (I drove myself) and I found myself really angry at my parents, my AH and myself. I cried for another hour or two at home and couldn't stand to be around him. This morning I hardly talked to him at all.

He is so much like my mom in his reactions. He just wants me to "get over it" and move on. He doesn't undertsand I just can't do that. I can't control the way I react. I need a lot of help and patience and understanding from him. I don't think I'm going to get that, because it would mean that he would have to give up his expectations of affection, because I just can't give it right now. I know it will probably take me months if not years to get over this and it will be even more difficult to deal with it if I have it in my face 24 hours a day. I don't have time to feel "safe" and deal with it - he won't let me.

So I've pretty much come to the conclusion that we will need to separate. I just don't have the energy to take care of myself and deal with him at the same time. I'm going to see about counseling just for me, because I know I need a place where I can feel safe in talking about everything.

I think I've made some progress in my recovery, but I know I have a very long way to go. Thanks for listening guys!!
Kitkat

Hi Kitkat,
I am so glad to hear that you have moved forward in your recovery :). It is amazing how much we keep inside, and how so many things in our past can almost keep us prisoners in the present.

I had awakenings like this in recent months also.
My mother and father raised my sis and I until we were 5 and 6 years old... and then my mother left the marriage, and us, and ran off with my fathers best friend. She is still with him to this day - OH! and HE is an addict! :rolleyes:

I was soooo angry at her, for sooo many years. Even tho she has always kept in contact with us thru letters and visits; to ME, she just gave up being a mother... she rejected us. I hated talking to her on the phone; I hated reading her letters... I guess I just wanted her to either come BACK to me, or just dissapear.

And all of this has played a huge role in my life today! I too, am feeble at giving and receiving love and affection - it seems almost uncomfortable. I too, hid behind a protective wall... not letting others get close, so I don't get hurt.

But the biggest lesson I learned Kitkat... Was that I MAKE myself a prisoner of my past; I make myself a victim. My mother made mistakes when we were young... she regrets them with all her heart. It does not give me the right to hold her responsible for MY downfalls, and emotions and circumstances... I am responsible for that.
So when you talk about "moving on", you have to be willing to let go of the feelings you have towards your family. You have to feel these emotions and then let them blow away with the wind and start anew - THIS is forgiving. It is really hard to do.

But now, I am free of anger and resentment to my mother... It gives me so much space to move and grow in, and opens up my future to so many possibilities. It really is healing and liberating :).

Whew...
I have spoken too much

Take care Kitkat
Meg

He talked about how I never give him any affection. How he doesn't feel loved by me. How he is a very affectionate type person and needs affection all the time.

During these two speeches, the counselor told me he noticed some "fear" in my eyes. I didn't even realize it was there. We started talking about how I feel when my AH talks in an intense tone of voice. I told him I just can't think. Everything goes out of my brain and I don't know what to say. I tend to withdraw inside myself. We then learned that this is a conditional behavior that stems back to when I was a very small child. My parents were never very affectionate with us. We hardly ever said I love you. I never felt like I could do anything right no matter what I did or said, because it wasn't the what they thought I should do. Therefore I spent my entire childhood trying to get their attention by doing things to hurt myself. Once I had children, though, I couldn't do that anymore, because I didn't want to hurt them too. So I started putting on a mask and pretending to be who I thought they (my AH's) wanted me to be so that I wouldn't be rejected by them.

Wow! I could have wrote this myself! My A and I went to counceling 3 times durring our marrage, and all 3 times we had the same problems and we ended up devorced. Now I am living back there (went back hoping to work it out) but now I am staying till my son gets through his senior year of high school. Nine more months!!!! I am beginning to think that my X (my A) and I get allong SO much better when we do not live together. I have known him since I was 4 (39 years!!) and cannot think of him not being in my life! I do not want to ruin that by making bad memories now, because I am really thinking that I will leave when this is all over. I think we are toxic to each other in the same house!
I hope things work out for you. I know when we devorced and I moved out, it was such a liberating feeling. Like being free! Only bad thing was that he had the kids, and I missed them!