transformyself

AHs grandmother died in Wisconsin. He doesn't care, really, but this is a good excuse to take three days off from work and get obliterated with his dad and brother. Which is all they do when they're together. My mother in law just left and is divorcing her husband (AH's dad) because he such a checked out drunk. Oh, he's in the top of his field and makes tons of money but all he does with my husband is get **** faced. Great dad.

our oldest son is devistated that he cna't go with his dad to the funeral, but theres no way in hell he can, the last time AH took the kdis and went off with his dad and brother he called me one day into the weekend to say, "just so you konw I got drunk last night and the kids were crying"

that was before we were separated, part of the reason we don't live together. Now I check on him constatly if the kids are at his house. But I refuse to let oldest son go with AH to the funeral, even though he doesn't want him to go anyway.

So now I have both kids for the two days they were suppose to be with AH and have no idea how I"m going to get my work done, all of which is due tomorrow AND finish youngest childs project that dip **** was suppose to do it with him today when he took them over night. *******. Now he's too busy packing up for his little vacation. I was going to hunker down and write for two days when the kids left. See what I get for relying on my AH?

PLUS and here's the real problem, he came over after work to get the kids and take them to his house (I"m going over there to get the cat and some food cause right now I"m so broke and coming right back home so the kids rode with him so they could spend some time with him) and I was so angry with AH that I was a real jerk to the kids, so he's looking at me like whats wrong with you and I want to yell YOU'RE WHATS WRONG WITH ALL OF US ******* but instead am just crabby to everyone. UGH!!@ I hate it when this happens!! He's a nightmare so I'm angry and he acts like there's something wrong with me. We fought for years about this YEARS!!

He woudl do something like screwed up (cheating, drinking, spending all the money, lying you name it) and when I"m justifiabley angry, he asks, "when are you going to stop being angry with me? and then I'm the bad guy. Oh I hate him right now.

AND my little sister is in a very escalated situation with her husband who has snapped and i'm very worried about her and her sons safety and its' triggering all the abusive stuff my AH did to me even though I thought I had moved past it. I"ve been on the phone with her since last night when she called and told me he broke down the bedroom door with her and her son inside and won't leave her alone. Walked her though going to the police, etc. The office at the police station that handles emergency restraining orders is closed over the weekend. WTF? Do they think domestic violence doesn't happen on the weekends?

AND I started my cycle and my endometriosis is insanly painful but I can't take the tramadol because I have to be capable of abstract thought and work.

thanks for letting me vent. now I have to drive over the losers house and get the cat and my kids...

LaTeeDa

At the risk of making you even angrier, the problem here looks to me like expectations. You are still expecting him to do the right thing, as you see it, even though he has proven to you over and over he will not.

So, what can you do to accomplish the things you need to accomplish, without relying on him to take care of the kids or help with the school project?

I'll slink away now before you start throwing things at me.

L

Learn2Live

Transformers, Do you want my "nice-nice" response or my "the way I see it" response? Either way, Love ya' SR Sister! Breathe deep...

transformyself

Oh god, even my cyber sisters are afraid of me!!!!
I"m sorry!

I have calmed down and yes, you're both right. Its a vent, though, the first stuff that would ordinarily come out of my mouth, instead flowed onto paper.

There. Now you see the inside of my head. It ain't pretty , I know...

Learn2Live

I'm not afraid of you woman. I was just asking your preference of response from me. So, which is it? Or is it neither?

Maybe this sudden burst of emotion and energy will segue into a sudden burst of finishing the work that's due tomorrow! Sieze the moment!

transformyself

L2L HA!

Both!! Gimme whatcha got Girl. I'm crashing anyways. All that anger really takes its toll, especially coupled with relentless pain..

In fact I'm going to take the freaking drugs and get it over with. Experience has also taught me if I let the pain get too strong, the drugs don't work. Should have let them yank my stuff instead of investing in laperoscopy so many times...

LaTeeDa

I know it does. When I stopped expecting things from him, there was a lot less anger.......

L

transformyself

Holy Crap am I insane or what? I just reread my thread. yes, that is what goes on in my head! And ordinarily comes out of my mouth. Thank goodness for this place and you people, I didn't say any of that to AH or the kids, just was crabby.

And now I have to drive over there. I'm going to call my sister on the way and check in with her. What's wrong with us? Why do we pick these screwed up relationships?

Well, at least we're getting out of them. And willing to look honestly at ourselves. I am at least..

transformyself

Anvil can I come live with you? Me, the kids, cat and chihuahua and all my issues?

I"m at AH house now, what usetabe my house. He left to go to the funeral but was quite sweet to me before. I'm over my little temper tantrum and know he sees what a pinch this puts me in and we agreed that next month he'll have the boys when the endometriosis starts. Schedule it in. He knows I'm out of commission for a few days from it every month.

But, I won't be surprised if he doesnt'.

Me and me and littlest guy are printing out venus flytrap pictures, working on the project.

Thanks for letting me vent and process guys. I did take the tramadol and it's helping. I use this stuff cause it doesn't make me projective vomit like codien or make me so altered so I can't function. But it has calmed me down. Makes me think those addicts might be on to something. Take a pill! It's way easier than changing yourself.

Just kidding.

Oh, and have you seen this? Hilarious.

:codiepolice

transformyself

Beautiful.

so you're on the land. Of course issues dissolve. Problem is, they return when we have to come back to the city, cement and madness of not being able to hear the Earth. I have to get up pretty early in the morning to remind myself that this is where we live. To hear and thank her.

I"m glad you live there. You deserve it!

Still Waters

Okay, I require translation.

transformyself

Sorry gotta disagree
I personally believe you do deserve this home, and to be a part of the land there. You can disagree. I know we are called to be caretakers of certian places for certian amounts of time. The land where you live has been there for a long long time, and has had relationships with lot of people and critters. It's your turn and you're suppose to be there.

That's what i'm taught at least. I see you're grateful to be there, that's all that matters, not the differences in beliefs we have.

will you post more pictures? They're beautiful.

transformyself

Still Waters, I just can't get past that avatar. How can anyone take you seriously with that delightfully goofy dog looking at us?

bookwyrm

I read it as a blown raspberry - or or maybe even ?

Jadmack25

Loved the "raspberry" noise Anvil.

Dear Transform,
Sorry you are having a bad time with that endo bull, but glad the Tramadol work for you. I took that for 2 days a few years back and have since called them Tremblers. They had me shaking worse than ABF in withdrawal, so told Dr where to put them. ABF reckoned he could use them as excuse to cover any relapse, also told where he could put that idea.

Trying to work, raise kids, and even just think straight, while getting pain from both Endo and AH is more than you need to cope with. Let's prioritise.

Let AH and his s**t go to the rear, as he's doing whatever and you can't change it.
Better still, cut him adrift from you head altogether.

POOPH!!! See, he's gone!!!!

Work can wait a bit longer, and kids come before that, so where are we now?

Right: Transform comes first, painkillers and forget about AH for 24 hours at least.
Next comes kids, usual living decisions and enjoy them, feed, bath, and bed.

If you are up to it, when you are all quiet you can do as much work as you can do, without exploding, imploding or screaming the house down.

Last and definitely least is AH, who for next 24 hours has disappeared from your mind.

Tomorrow you can begin all over again, and worry yourself sick over how AH let's you down every time he is expected to help out.

OR

You can make a decision to expect what you usely get from him, NOTHING, and look at what other plans you can make to get around the problem, without his c**p.

See how simple it all is?

Yeah right. Now if I could do the same bloody miracle for me, WOW.

Still praying for all needed healing for you.

God bless

transformyself

Thank you for your kind words and prayers Jadmack.

Isn't it funny how different drugs work differently on each body? It's the blood/brain barrier and works differently on each person. This guy, the tramadol, is the least offensive of narcotics. Codeine makes me projectile vomit and sleep for days. The tramadol makes me qweeezy at the end of it's cycle, but I try to sleep then or not move.

And yes, I feel much better this morning. Slept a good 9 hours and got up to write. Even had oldest child make breakfast (despite tears and stomping about a bit he's now humming over the oatmeal in the kitchen.ha ha showed you).

And, I"m back in my own house after hanging out at the old one where AH lives. That affected me a bit and I didn't like it. Was missing him. But when I examine it, it's only the "good" husband I miss and he won't expel the "bad" one.

Still Waters

I think we tend to take everything too seriously

transformyself

Ha!

Startingover2

Transform...you are alot like me. These guys occupy waaaayyyy too much of our heads. Unfortunately you have to have a fair amount of contact due to your children like I do and it makes it even harder to detach. But I am learning its a must if we are to properly move on.

My exah was out of town this weekend and just knowing he wasn't in the vicinity my shoulders let down a bit, I could breathe a bit better, and the anxiety was so much less. He is coming back and I want to keep the relaxed feeling up.

I would have zero expectations for your AH. Find alternate care for your children especially if he is drinking. You don't want them around him that way anyway. I am trying to take an online course and have an 18 month old. I work on it during her nap and in the evening if I can keep my eyes open. Exah is not allowed to take baby so he has supervised visits...so I have no other options either.

Hang in there. I know how you feel being a single mother doing it all. Sucks at times, but look in your childrens eyes and know you are protecting them from a life of hell.

Still Waters

The only thing I expect from my AH is craziness. I understand that in his mind it's all me. I was the problem and refused to admit it, I left him, I wasn't supportive enough, I was "sabotaging" his sobriety, I was spending all his money, I was a horrible mother.

So based on what I know he believes, I can pretty much determine what he's going to do. Be nasty...or be the understanding strong husband trying to "help" his sick wife when he emails friends.

A very large portion of his reality is based on falsehoods. He has a made up past, made up careers, made up religion (really). When truth is pointed out, he still insists on the lie.

*shrug*

It is what it is. The only thing I can do is remove myself from the madness as best I can.