Dumped by my AB, confused

Old 10-10-2009, 09:11 AM
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I know that this is a very painful (emotionally, financially, etc.), but if you can be in a relationship with someone who is NOT an addict, you can build on this. Being in a relationship with an addict really only goes in one direction, down.

I dated an alcoholic for 2 years and was co-dependent for sure. (I myself am a recovering alcoholic.) But now, I am married to a normy (non-alcoholic) and wow, what a difference it makes. Her strength helped me recover, but it wasn't that she let me get away with crap. She set very strong limits that I knew - if I crossed - I would be out. Tough love for sure, but this was so helpful. (My point is that so often people set very soft limits and have low expectations for the alcoholic - and I believe that this actually allows the alcoholic to continue).

I am sorry if you take this next point the wrong way, but when you look back 10 years from now, he may have done you a huge favor by pushing away.

Read the posts in the family sections, learn more about Al Anon, etc. -- and then decide, "why do you want to subject yourself to all that pain (of being with an addict) when you have a difficult yet natural life inflection point that can take you in a direction that will avoid this?"

I know, easier said than done. But, I wish people had been really blunt with me when I was in the situation dating the alcoholic, so please accept my apology if I am over-stepping my bounds.

Stay strong.
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Old 10-10-2009, 10:27 AM
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Mornings are really hard, I don't know why. The heartbreak hits all over again. I know that it's not a good thing to be involved with an alcoholic, but it's really challenging to see him as just an alcoholic, when he's a whole human being with all sorts of characteristics. I need to find more acceptance of this situation.
I'm pretty triggered right now because I think that he may have started seeing someone else. More rejection just makes me want him more, which is gross. I know I deserve better than this, but my heart has it's own reactions and they're overwhelming at the moment.
Looking forward to better days. Hope I'm not stuck here for too long.
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Old 10-10-2009, 11:03 AM
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Hi Free. Have you read the Sticky "tragic play" under Classic reading?

Try to read more about alcoholism... then you will notice getting someone else right away is yet another Red Flag for someone with a problem.

For alcoholism to prevail there has to be other people around supporting it. If an addict was stuck on a deserted island he would stop drinking. They feed off other's energy. The disease has nothing to do with you.
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Old 10-11-2009, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Free108 View Post
Hi Everyone.
I found this forum while googling for info' on alcoholism.
3 weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly ended our relationship. We had been together for over a year, we had recently moved in together and we were, I thought, very much in love. I had been becoming concerned because after moving in together, it became hard to ignore the fact that he was drinking every single night, usually about 4 or 5 beers and a few glasses of wine. Our bedroom smelled like alcohol fumes most mornings. I started expressing some concern, but he never said "yes, I know I have a problem". He would usually just say that he knows that he's been stressed out lately and that he had been using booze to de-stress. He runs a night club, so there's a lot of it around... I just said, well, I hope you can deal with it. But I was also starting to complain about other things. He gets up really late, due to his job and I felt that that left little room for a relationship, especially if he was hungover. I also started feeling jealous about all sorts of things - other women, how he prioritizes his time, partying after work. I basically became the bummer in the relationship.
Finally, one day after a fight, he just blew up and told me he was done. That I was jealous and controlling and that he didn't want to live like that. He moved out of the house within a couple of days and never turned back.
He is apparently now really enjoying his life and things are much better for him, I hear through the grapevine.
I'm completely horrified and reeling.
The fact that he's HAPPY and functional hurts like hell, especially in comparison with the state that I'm in.
I feel such betrayal. I even feel jealous when I read some of the posts on here about people dating alcoholics who are sorry for what they've done and at least making promises to their loved ones, even if they are not capable of living up to them. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just sitting here with my head spinning, looking up Al-Anon meetings and paying for therapy, feeling completely abandoned by the man I was building my life with.
Thanks for any wisdom you might be able to share.
hi free! welcome to SR!

it sounds like we have very similar situations - i myself was kicked out of the house, strung along and dumped by xabf because, in his words, i was just a "jealous, selfish, angry person." HAH!

i'll admit, i had some jealous (snooping through his email) and angry (throwing a remote and accidentally breaking a tv) behaviors, but as i move further and further from the situation, i've realized i felt these things because i allowed myself to trust an untrustworthy person, i betrayed something in myself that told me to run from day 1.

chances are, his happiness and functionality are just an illusion. he's progressing further into the disease.

posting at SR has really helped me, as well as reading: my recommendations are Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much. everyone here has great insight and experience to share with you and it's helped me out SO MUCH through this painful time. keep posting and working through things, you can do it!

:ghug3
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Old 10-11-2009, 10:24 AM
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Queenie, I had read some of your story and had definitely related to what you have been through. And yes, it's so easy to get wrapped up in how messed up you must be if you're behaving badly, being jealous and getting angry. I'm becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I was behaving in these ways because I was involved in a very unhealthy dance with him. It was a very alluring thing for me to be with him - he's incredibly charming and intelligent - but I wasn't getting much of what I need in a relationship and I wasn't being clear and honest with myself. I'm not very good at stepping back from my feelings of infatuation and looking after myself. Much to learn...
Anyway, thanks for your support.
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Old 10-11-2009, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Free108 View Post
Queenie, I had read some of your story and had definitely related to what you have been through. And yes, it's so easy to get wrapped up in how messed up you must be if you're behaving badly, being jealous and getting angry. I'm becoming more and more conscious of the fact that I was behaving in these ways because I was involved in a very unhealthy dance with him. It was a very alluring thing for me to be with him - he's incredibly charming and intelligent - but I wasn't getting much of what I need in a relationship and I wasn't being clear and honest with myself. I'm not very good at stepping back from my feelings of infatuation and looking after myself. Much to learn...
Anyway, thanks for your support.
free i agree, it is VERY easy to fall into that pattern of thinking "what's wrong with me?" and blaming myself for everything that went wrong. in fact i did - i believed everything he told me, i left thinking that everything was my fault and racking my brain for what i could do to "fix" things.

sometimes i find myself slipping back into that mindset, but i just have to remember that there's NOTHING wrong with me...only that i went looking for something i needed in the completely wrong place, i kept trying to get something from someone who is incapable of giving it to me...like the saying goes, looking for bread at the hardware store.

ah yes, i get the alluring thing. xabf was SO CHARMING, funny, intelligent...you just get sucked in, i don't know how he does it but he just has this intoxicating aura that is so powerful. in my experience it started off just like that, he projected such a fantastic image to everyone but over time i was privy to the deterioration, and once he realized that i wasn't going to be the doormat he needed me to be, wow, complete 180%. he had gone from saying "you are my wings" to "i need you to be different." he had put me on his bank account since i had moved to a different country to be with him and couldn't find work, and after i broke the tv he stormed out of the house, came back a while later and said "you're done. book a flight home." he had taken me off the account and wanted me to leave.

i understand the not being able to step away from your feelings to decide what you need to be healthy. from time to time i'd get a nagging feeling, something tugging away at my conscience that would say "is this really what you want?" but i always rationalized it away, thinking "well i love him, and sometimes in relationships you have to make sacrifices, nobody's perfect." or i would look at other couples and compare their experience to mine - "well, he drinks to the point of passing out too and he's still in a relationship, or she smokes weed all the time and their marriage seems fine, they're happy together." WHY does any of that matter? WHY am i always looking outside myself for validation?

that's my problem. i've lost touch with myself, i completely abandoned myself to be with xabf. well my feelings, emotions and thoughts are completely valid and important, too! and if i don't look after myself, who else is going to?
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Old 10-11-2009, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i'm a good person, but let's say whenever i was around eventually i set your garage on fire, cuz i'm also a pyromaniac. nice gal and all, but with an untreated illness that propels me to set things ablaze.

you'd either have to get a really good homeowners policy, buy a lot of fire extinquishers and keep the fire dept on speed dial.....OR keep the pyromaniac out of your life.

now i'm setting somebody else's stuff on fire. why? cuz it's there. see all i'm really concerned about is that i have SOMETHING to burn with my flame. whatever is handy will do just fine. my disease is one of opportunity.

trade pyromaniac for alcoholic, and garage for enabler/person.
This is absolutely AWESOME!!! I love this more than you know!! It's so real and hysterically funny at the same time. Thanks for this!!
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by queenie88 View Post
...he projected such a fantastic image to everyone but over time i was privy to the deterioration, and once he realized that i wasn't going to be the doormat he needed me to be, wow, complete 180%. he had gone from saying "you are my wings" to "i need you to be different."
I can relate completely. I went from being the 'bright shiny beacon of hope' & him saying he's the 'luckiest man alive' to a complete 180 in one day - the day after our 2nd 'talk' about how I don't want him drinking in my home & how I don't trust his 'enabler' friends as they don't have his best interests in mind. And him trying to convince me they do.

In one day all of the sentiments were gone, and after 3 days of his continual pulling back & treating me like garbage, he wouldn't even talk to me anymore - not even to end the relationship 'civilly'. It still amazes me how they all react in the same manner to this disease.


Originally Posted by queenie88 View Post
from time to time i'd get a nagging feeling, something tugging away at my conscience that would say "is this really what you want?" but i always rationalized it away, thinking "well i love him, and sometimes in relationships you have to make sacrifices, nobody's perfect."
I think we all fall into the trap when we love someone. Myself included. In relationships you make 'compromises' - not sacrifices. You should never have to sacrifice yourself - your partner should love you & accept you for who you are. Just a shame the A's don't realize that we do love them but cannot accept their drinking in our lives, therefore we cannot accept them in their present state. And they can't accept us because we cannot accept their drinking. It really is a dance.

Have to take it day by day. My mood is different every day, and when I'm feeling down and weak with my emotions, I re-read the posts to remind me I don't have to be weak.
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Old 10-12-2009, 08:08 AM
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coping:

its textbook, and its also another Red Flag on their disease, the ease in which they discard people as if they were napkins. not only partners but friends, family or whoever.

in my long experience with boyfriends, lol no one had "changed" so dramatically.

for now i prefer to think he was always that bad person. just put up a face so someone would be there absorbing his pain and resting next to him when he was hangovered. oh and someone to abuse.

the disease and its power... welcome to the "Twilight zone"

and i think it was Barb that said whenever an alcoholic talked he was lying.

thinking all that makes my life easier and rings true.

after knowing xabf gets married i got sad but today i'm thinking "if i was ok with alcohol abuse, verbal abuse and walking on eggshells and disrespectful comments about other women infront of me... i would be the bride now... i would still be his everything Yadda Yadda. but no im not that doormat anymore...who cares if other is or if he is still acting nice to attract the next hostage? i know better and no one changes from an alcoholic abuser to a Nice Guy out of the blue. HAH!! I know the Jekyll/Hyde switches!! I won't fall again"

we are all better off without them, honest. they just act according to convenience so when you are relaxed BAM here goes the next painful thing, the progression, the escalation. hardly what i would want for my girl friends or a future daughter or sister or myself.
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Old 10-12-2009, 09:26 AM
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I woke up this morning feeling sad and weak so it was good to read your posts. I still feel so shocked that he could go from loving me to completely abandoning me and "us" within what seemed like a few hours. This definitely feels like the Twilight Zone. It's been 4 weeks now and 3 weeks since he moved out. Sometimes I see the light and know that I deserve better than this, but most of the time I just feel so hurt. Praying for better days.
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:25 AM
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many many thanks to you takingcharge - i'm going to have to carry your words with me on a notecard lol... summed up very nicely & very powerful.

i guess if we didn't care so much, we wouldn't hurt so much. i'd rather be that very caring person. love is suppose to make the world go 'round - is it not?

free - it will get better every day.
hugs to us all for staying strong.
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:22 AM
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coping and Free its all so very fresh for you so be good to yourselves ok?

I've posted 1900 times more and still feel that way sometimes but I agree with anvil LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD... and it is shown day by day. even if you part ways with someone it can be done with care or at least respectfully...
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Old 10-12-2009, 12:27 PM
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Free,

You deserve better than this. You will have something better than this.

One of the horrible parts of being involved with an alcoholic (using the label as shorthand, don't care about the diagnosis) is the dreaded ambivalence we feel. Attracted and revulsed at the same time. Very confusing. No matter what, this is a loss and takes time to mourn.

As for the "friend", there's no reason to value his opinion more than your own. Being in AA doesn't make him an expert on anything or anyone.

I'm sorry for your pain.
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Old 10-12-2009, 01:16 PM
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One of the things I am learning is to trust my experience. You need to trust your experience, your impressions and your gut feelings. No one else is or was in your shoes.

It has taken me over a year to get this one... some of us are slow learners LOL but it is a great lesson, never to forget again!
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Old 10-12-2009, 01:40 PM
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Indeed, if we cared and loved...then no, we can't wash away the confusion, hurt and pain with the ease that we throw a load of clothes in the washer. LOL

Please trust, tho', that with time comes healing and re-freshment.
And a better understanding of love, what it is, what we need, and what we can give....
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Old 10-12-2009, 02:36 PM
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"Attracted and revulsed at the same time." YES! Such a weird feeling.
Yesterday I had some difficult stuff to deal with with my daughter and I woke up today with this weird impulse to call him and tell him all about it. Just habit, I suppose. Luckily, I logged on to Facebook and right there on my home page was a post by a mutual friend, showing photos of my XABF partying last night with a bunch of his favorite enablers, our waitresses! They're very young and have no clue... So right from attraction to revulsion in about 60 seconds. lol.
But anyway, it helped get my head on a little straighter.
Thanks as usual to everyone for your great insights. You're all very generous.
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