Dating
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Every time there is a dating thread on this board, I have to repeat the advice I read a long time ago here. I can't even remember who originally shared it, but here it is:
Make a list of all the attributes/traits you would want in a perfect partner.
Example:
Honest
Fun-loving
Compassionate
Understanding
Etc.
Then, take that list and make it your goal. Become that person. Not only will you start to be okay with just being by yourself, but, since like attracts like, you will find yourself surrounded by people who have the same traits. It has worked for me in my life, amazingly well, in fact.
L
Make a list of all the attributes/traits you would want in a perfect partner.
Example:
Honest
Fun-loving
Compassionate
Understanding
Etc.
Then, take that list and make it your goal. Become that person. Not only will you start to be okay with just being by yourself, but, since like attracts like, you will find yourself surrounded by people who have the same traits. It has worked for me in my life, amazingly well, in fact.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks Ladies!
I am actually laughing at myself now as this experience is just par for the course isn't it? Ironically, I have talked with him for a long time about my hang ups about dating and what I like in others. He has done the same. Just came down to words vs actions, he seems to be all talk. I am disappointed but accept what it is.
Do you think I need to explain to him why I won't go out with him again? As we have been friends for years, I feel weird just saying "no thanks" the next time he asks me out. I guess no explanation is needed though. I just want a light quick response. I feel like I am in middle school chatting with my girlfriends about boys....
I am actually laughing at myself now as this experience is just par for the course isn't it? Ironically, I have talked with him for a long time about my hang ups about dating and what I like in others. He has done the same. Just came down to words vs actions, he seems to be all talk. I am disappointed but accept what it is.
Do you think I need to explain to him why I won't go out with him again? As we have been friends for years, I feel weird just saying "no thanks" the next time he asks me out. I guess no explanation is needed though. I just want a light quick response. I feel like I am in middle school chatting with my girlfriends about boys....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
well, "I don't think your girlfriend would like that" might sound catty or jealous or something....but I tend to be a very blunt and pointed person....so, really, yeah, the "no, thanks" is best. LOL
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Oh LTD, I totally agree but I was thinking of more petty things. 
For instance:
Not everyone in this household has to get up at 6AM, so I'm constantly reminding the kids to keep it down, people are sleeping. I expect adults to know this. A grown man who has no common courtesy when others are sleeping is a dealbreaker for me.
Blaring the television and saying hunhh? rather than turn it down when speaking to me? Dealbreaker.
Refusing to learn what doorknobs are for and slamming every door rather than closing them? Dealbreaker.
Lifting your butt half off the chair to pass gas in my presence? Dealbreaker.
Etc.
For instance:
Not everyone in this household has to get up at 6AM, so I'm constantly reminding the kids to keep it down, people are sleeping. I expect adults to know this. A grown man who has no common courtesy when others are sleeping is a dealbreaker for me.
Blaring the television and saying hunhh? rather than turn it down when speaking to me? Dealbreaker.
Refusing to learn what doorknobs are for and slamming every door rather than closing them? Dealbreaker.
Lifting your butt half off the chair to pass gas in my presence? Dealbreaker.
Etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Oh LTD, I totally agree but I was thinking of more petty things.
For instance:
Not everyone in this household has to get up at 6AM, so I'm constantly reminding the kids to keep it down, people are sleeping. I expect adults to know this. A grown man who has no common courtesy when others are sleeping is a dealbreaker for me.
Blaring the television and saying hunhh? rather than turn it down when speaking to me? Dealbreaker.
Refusing to learn what doorknobs are for and slamming every door rather than closing them? Dealbreaker.
Lifting your butt half off the chair to pass gas in my presence? Dealbreaker.
Etc.
For instance:
Not everyone in this household has to get up at 6AM, so I'm constantly reminding the kids to keep it down, people are sleeping. I expect adults to know this. A grown man who has no common courtesy when others are sleeping is a dealbreaker for me.
Blaring the television and saying hunhh? rather than turn it down when speaking to me? Dealbreaker.
Refusing to learn what doorknobs are for and slamming every door rather than closing them? Dealbreaker.
Lifting your butt half off the chair to pass gas in my presence? Dealbreaker.
Etc.
Maturity
Awareness
Courtesy
More for the list, eh?
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Maybe not, but if you think about it, I bet there were clues (red flags, if you will) along the way. People are always on their best behavior in the beginning, but if you pay attention, there are little clues that come up.
I dated a guy once who was sweet and kind to me, but once in a while he would 'jokingly' dismiss my opinion as 'silly.' Not a total dealbreaker in and of itself, but I started to get the feeling that he didn't really respect me as much as he professed to.
Even when someone is doing their best to impress me, I would still be put off if they weren't courteous and respectful to others, for example.
L
I dated a guy once who was sweet and kind to me, but once in a while he would 'jokingly' dismiss my opinion as 'silly.' Not a total dealbreaker in and of itself, but I started to get the feeling that he didn't really respect me as much as he professed to.
Even when someone is doing their best to impress me, I would still be put off if they weren't courteous and respectful to others, for example.
L
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Oh, he always was, and is courteous - in public. Since we didn't live together prior to marriage, I don't think there was any way for me to know some of these things.
There were red flags about his alcoholism, and how deeply disturbed he was...but not about the things I mentioned above.
I don't plan on living with/dating/etc. again anyway - so it doesn't really matter.
There were red flags about his alcoholism, and how deeply disturbed he was...but not about the things I mentioned above.
I don't plan on living with/dating/etc. again anyway - so it doesn't really matter.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I dated a guy once who was sweet and kind to me, but once in a while he would 'jokingly' dismiss my opinion as 'silly.'
This is the mysoginistic, "woman are cute but stupid" approach to life. My father, an A, cop, navy guy, raised three daughters and said, things like, "women drivers are idiots," to us or "don't act like a girl!" to my then 8 year old son.
My AH never behaved that way. He is respectful of women, children, gay folks, everyone. Until you marry him and don't like his drinking...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks.
He hasn't called. Maybe my reaction to his response to me the other night said it all.
If he does call to ask me out, I'll go with Liveweyerd's "no thanks."
On a lighter note, new puppy and I are doing extremely well. He is napping right now. We are in love, so that is nice. He is always happy to see me and doesn't want another woman...
He hasn't called. Maybe my reaction to his response to me the other night said it all.
If he does call to ask me out, I'll go with Liveweyerd's "no thanks."
On a lighter note, new puppy and I are doing extremely well. He is napping right now. We are in love, so that is nice. He is always happy to see me and doesn't want another woman...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Well being a guy I can tell you it isn't any easier on this side of the equation.
I have started to think about this and wonder what I will look for. It scares the living heck out of me. I worry I will get saddled with someone worse than the AW. Then, I also worry I will find flaws in them all just so I don't get close enough to get hurt by another woman.
What would I look for?
Well, I am tall (6'4"), so taller would be nice. Dated a 4'11" woman once and I felt like a pedifile taking her out on dates, hehe.
Able to enjoy simple things
Enjoys the outdoors. The kids and I love to camp. Most women I have met hate camping with a passion.
Doesn't look at this 41 year old and say why don't you make twice your income? I made bad career choices when I was younger. Money is big to many and I really worry most won't give me a chance if I am not successful. Then again, if they are that way I don't want em! =)
I think right now I would be looking for someone just to share a laugh with and not have serious attachment. I never dated much growing up prior to the AW so my lack of success then worries me about my chance of success now. LOL
Most of all I am just not going to worry about it. I belive in a balance in life and things happen for a reason. For now I live for me and my kids. If I meet someone I can share my new love of life with, all the better. I am not defined by having someone on my arm or by my side.
I have started to think about this and wonder what I will look for. It scares the living heck out of me. I worry I will get saddled with someone worse than the AW. Then, I also worry I will find flaws in them all just so I don't get close enough to get hurt by another woman.
What would I look for?
Well, I am tall (6'4"), so taller would be nice. Dated a 4'11" woman once and I felt like a pedifile taking her out on dates, hehe.
Able to enjoy simple things
Enjoys the outdoors. The kids and I love to camp. Most women I have met hate camping with a passion.
Doesn't look at this 41 year old and say why don't you make twice your income? I made bad career choices when I was younger. Money is big to many and I really worry most won't give me a chance if I am not successful. Then again, if they are that way I don't want em! =)
I think right now I would be looking for someone just to share a laugh with and not have serious attachment. I never dated much growing up prior to the AW so my lack of success then worries me about my chance of success now. LOL
Most of all I am just not going to worry about it. I belive in a balance in life and things happen for a reason. For now I live for me and my kids. If I meet someone I can share my new love of life with, all the better. I am not defined by having someone on my arm or by my side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey Zak,
I can see your side too. My friend actually fits in your category. He just wasn't as up front with me as I feel he should have been.
Be honest is my motto. Especially when dealing with a friend.
I can see your side too. My friend actually fits in your category. He just wasn't as up front with me as I feel he should have been.
Be honest is my motto. Especially when dealing with a friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
I've made a conscious decision not to even think about dating for the time being. I don't trust myself not to make another bad decision, considering everyone I've ever been involved with has turned out to be a "fixit" project due to my codependency. I talked with my therapist about this and she is supportive. Its not that I'm saying "never", but I am saying "not right now." I have so much going on with my kids and animals and work, plus the complications of my life are more than I want to bring into someone else's world. I want to take this time for me, to learn me and work on my "stuff" and really break free of my codie behaviors.
Interesting thing my therapist recommended for if or when I do consider dating, she said to avoid one-on-one dates for a while and do group stuff. One, she said solo dates (dinners, etc) are really intimate. Two, she said people tend to be on their best behavior on solo dates and more themselves in group situations, so you often will see any problem behaviors faster in a group than you might when you're solo. Very interesting observation.
Interesting thing my therapist recommended for if or when I do consider dating, she said to avoid one-on-one dates for a while and do group stuff. One, she said solo dates (dinners, etc) are really intimate. Two, she said people tend to be on their best behavior on solo dates and more themselves in group situations, so you often will see any problem behaviors faster in a group than you might when you're solo. Very interesting observation.
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