Step 1
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Step 1
I admit I am powerless over my feelings for my ex.
I think I finally have to sit down and really address my issue. It's something I feel has gotten out of control and it's emotionally killing me. I obsess about my ex constantly and it's gotten worse. I think my HP has stepped in because my computer crashed, I rebooted and now I can't get into my exABF FB page because I don't remember the email I made up to access him. I used to just recall it in my weak moments, but since the computer crashed, it's not in the memory anymore and will be permanently be deleted in about 6 days. I think someone is stepping in for me because I couldn't do it myself.
I didn't bump into him today like I feared, but I was looking for him, wanting him to know I'm there. I was sad to see all the people I used to know just say "hi" like I wasn't ever part of the group. I longed for my life back a year ago. The one without my own house, with the cheating alcoholic boyfriend, ... without my family. It's so stupid. What a wasted morning. What was I trying to prove? It's crazy behavior, and I just feel out of control with it. Everywhere else, I'm fine, but this one area is all I can think about. And I will never move forward if I don't get a grip on it. It's completely unhealthy and I need to do something. It's become unmanageable....
I admit and surrender to the fact that I am powerless over my feelings/obsession with my ex.....
I think I finally have to sit down and really address my issue. It's something I feel has gotten out of control and it's emotionally killing me. I obsess about my ex constantly and it's gotten worse. I think my HP has stepped in because my computer crashed, I rebooted and now I can't get into my exABF FB page because I don't remember the email I made up to access him. I used to just recall it in my weak moments, but since the computer crashed, it's not in the memory anymore and will be permanently be deleted in about 6 days. I think someone is stepping in for me because I couldn't do it myself.
I didn't bump into him today like I feared, but I was looking for him, wanting him to know I'm there. I was sad to see all the people I used to know just say "hi" like I wasn't ever part of the group. I longed for my life back a year ago. The one without my own house, with the cheating alcoholic boyfriend, ... without my family. It's so stupid. What a wasted morning. What was I trying to prove? It's crazy behavior, and I just feel out of control with it. Everywhere else, I'm fine, but this one area is all I can think about. And I will never move forward if I don't get a grip on it. It's completely unhealthy and I need to do something. It's become unmanageable....
I admit and surrender to the fact that I am powerless over my feelings/obsession with my ex.....
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi BS08,
I am sorry that you are feeling so out of sorts, but you are *not* powerless over your feelings and obsessions. That knowledge alone will hopefully empower you to make changes, by learning where these feelings are coming from and why the need to ruminate over your X.
Wishing you the best.
I am sorry that you are feeling so out of sorts, but you are *not* powerless over your feelings and obsessions. That knowledge alone will hopefully empower you to make changes, by learning where these feelings are coming from and why the need to ruminate over your X.
Wishing you the best.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi BS08!
If I recall well you used to work or still work with ex. So I just wanted to tell you I know how much it sucks.
And yes, it sucks to have shared some stuff with common people then see them as strangers.
I have realized all of them were not that great after all. And ex can "have them".
Just like you I thought I was ok then something else happens and I feel I am back to Square 1.
There is a thread for Step 1 and I hope we can answer those questions honestly... I will try to bump it...
Read Codependent no more, it is an excellent book for us. Everything applies.
Feelings are just waves sometimes subtle sometimes overwhelming in size... but they all pass and make room for others....
If I recall well you used to work or still work with ex. So I just wanted to tell you I know how much it sucks.
And yes, it sucks to have shared some stuff with common people then see them as strangers.
I have realized all of them were not that great after all. And ex can "have them".
Just like you I thought I was ok then something else happens and I feel I am back to Square 1.
There is a thread for Step 1 and I hope we can answer those questions honestly... I will try to bump it...
Read Codependent no more, it is an excellent book for us. Everything applies.
Feelings are just waves sometimes subtle sometimes overwhelming in size... but they all pass and make room for others....
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
BS08, I have often had times when I allow myself to obsess over thoughts and feelings. The one thing, though, that we do have control over IS OURSELVES. You may find it helpful to attend more al-anon meetings, or find a CoDA meeting near you if you are not already attending one. Codependent No More has already been suggested, I also think you might benefit from an actual Codependency workbook, which would give you some exercises to do. If nothing else, this would engage you in some activities to give you an alternative to sinking into these unhealthy and terrible thought patterns.
In the end I know you are going to be able to get past this, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
In the end I know you are going to be able to get past this, ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Hi BS08, Sorry, I am a little slow sometimes (seriously) but can you tell me please what it is you don't feel you have a grip on? Is it your feelings for your EX?
I'm making these choices to continue to hurt myself and not move on. Like right now, after going up there today and spending time at his hill, I feel awful. I didn't have to go. I really didn't, but I felt the need to show him that I wasn't going to avoid this place because of him. My BF told me today that that kind of acting out shows that I'm not secure in myself/being alone, and THAT's what I have to really work hard on. And I know I have too because I can't keep doing this. I can't keep hurting myself. I feel like I'm a gerbil on a wheel and just keep going in circles. Like I'm never going to be emotionally at peace again. And I have to find a way. I have to really pick up my 12 steps for Codies book, do the exercises and go consistently to meeting! Its the only way I'll find some peace...I think it's also hard for me to admit I'm out of control with my feelings on this and I'm a bit embarrassed about it. I put out this image that I'm all together, and I don't really feel I am. I'm trying to act "as if" and the insides just aren't catching up. I have a damn good life, but seeing it and appreciating it are hard for me to accept, and accept that I have to do it on my own for now....
I just am tired of letting my feelings for him hurt me....
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
I don't have much great wisdom for you right now, because I'm in a similar place, but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. There are lots of people who go through this and presumably they find ways to get through these bad times. I suppose we just have to be patient and try to be as healthy as possible, even if it's just by doing small positive things. One less facebook check today than yesterday is a victory!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
BS
I did not put up any image, I felt like a zombie and was a zombie and ex saw me.
I have avoided EVERYTHING company-related.. but ONE thing that took all my courage and he didnt go even when he had confirmed Thank God.
So, just to tell you even if you were acting the opposite way like I did, it would not make much of a difference.....
And yes I too ignore good things in my life and stare at the closed door.
This week I am making myself the question "why do I think I dont deserve joy? why dont i allow myself happiness? why do i feel undeserving?"
I am enslaving myself and not letting myself be free when I've always got the key. So finding out why I prefer to be in this horrible lonely place than the great moments I know I can create for myself is the key to move on and I'm glad you are decided to start your journey!
I did not put up any image, I felt like a zombie and was a zombie and ex saw me.
I have avoided EVERYTHING company-related.. but ONE thing that took all my courage and he didnt go even when he had confirmed Thank God.
So, just to tell you even if you were acting the opposite way like I did, it would not make much of a difference.....
And yes I too ignore good things in my life and stare at the closed door.
This week I am making myself the question "why do I think I dont deserve joy? why dont i allow myself happiness? why do i feel undeserving?"
I am enslaving myself and not letting myself be free when I've always got the key. So finding out why I prefer to be in this horrible lonely place than the great moments I know I can create for myself is the key to move on and I'm glad you are decided to start your journey!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Whoa girl do I KNOW where you are right now! We ALL do. You are SO NOT ALONE. 
I know it FEELS alone (me, too sometimes) but you will become more comfortable with "being with yourself" as time goes on.
Every time you think of yourself as "being alone" can you quick change it and say it as "I am WITH myself"? Try it, seriously, it will help your feelings. A lot of the time we HOLD ON to people who are no good for us because we are so afraid of "being alone." But when we stop THINKING in that way, and we start thinking about it in a different, POSITIVE way, we gradually stop feeling bad about it until we just don't think in that way anymore. Then, we can LET GO of that STINKY drunk man!
Right? Because you're not financially dependent on him, right? And you don't have any babies with him, right? So it's just your feelings that are keeping you from LETTING GO, right?
Welcome to the human race! You are no different than everyone else out there! You are so normal like the rest of us. We are ALL struggling with keeping all these different parts of ourselves and parts of our lives together. There is no need to be embarrassed about it; although I do know exactly what you mean. Go easy on yourself a little. If your image is put together, then you ARE put together in AT LEAST one way, right? We can't have EVERYTHING put together all at one time, all the time, can we? 
That is EXCELLENT that you are working on the 12 steps for codies. I want to point one thing out to you related to that. You said:
Try to change this a little. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over ALCOHOL, that our lives had become unmanageable. This means that we are powerless over the disease and the person who has the disease.
But you are not powerless over your feelings. In fact, your feelings are one of the things you DO have control over. But in our panic and our unwillingness to Let Go, we begin to think we are powerless over our feelings.
So ask yourself to pick up your feelings like they were a rug on the floor, and peek under there to see what is beneath them. This takes courage but that 12-Steps for Codies book will help you do that. PM me if you want some tips on that.
This weekend, though, would be a great time to unfriend the stinky drunk man from FB or do whatever it takes to get his Wall out from in front of your face. If this means you have to unfriend a hundred people, just do it. The more distance you get from that drunk person, the easier you're going to breathe.
OK, hope I don't sound too bossy in this post; I'm just feelin' like a big sister tonight! :ghug3
I know it FEELS alone (me, too sometimes) but you will become more comfortable with "being with yourself" as time goes on. Every time you think of yourself as "being alone" can you quick change it and say it as "I am WITH myself"? Try it, seriously, it will help your feelings. A lot of the time we HOLD ON to people who are no good for us because we are so afraid of "being alone." But when we stop THINKING in that way, and we start thinking about it in a different, POSITIVE way, we gradually stop feeling bad about it until we just don't think in that way anymore. Then, we can LET GO of that STINKY drunk man!
Right? Because you're not financially dependent on him, right? And you don't have any babies with him, right? So it's just your feelings that are keeping you from LETTING GO, right?
I think it's also hard for me to admit I'm out of control with my feelings on this and I'm a bit embarrassed about it. I put out this image that I'm all together, and I don't really feel I am. I'm trying to act "as if" and the insides just aren't catching up.
That is EXCELLENT that you are working on the 12 steps for codies. I want to point one thing out to you related to that. You said:
I admit I am powerless over my feelings for my ex.
But you are not powerless over your feelings. In fact, your feelings are one of the things you DO have control over. But in our panic and our unwillingness to Let Go, we begin to think we are powerless over our feelings.
So ask yourself to pick up your feelings like they were a rug on the floor, and peek under there to see what is beneath them. This takes courage but that 12-Steps for Codies book will help you do that. PM me if you want some tips on that.
This weekend, though, would be a great time to unfriend the stinky drunk man from FB or do whatever it takes to get his Wall out from in front of your face. If this means you have to unfriend a hundred people, just do it. The more distance you get from that drunk person, the easier you're going to breathe.
OK, hope I don't sound too bossy in this post; I'm just feelin' like a big sister tonight! :ghug3
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Thanks Learn. :ghug3
You're little tips do really help. Just changing the way I phrase things really does change your way of thinking, which changes your feelings. One I keep telling myself that helps is to stop thinking "why aren't I good enough for him?" to "why he's not good enough for me?". It does help. There's nothing wrong with me. I really go down that dark path so often and I'm tired of it.
Today's a good day to work on my 12 step book. It's really cold and snowy outside, and I think it will be good for me to use this time to make a emotional/spiritual game plan for myself. It will also be a good time to start to learn to be okay with myself. "Spending time with me". Does sound nicer than saying "I'm alone tonight". It's okay.
I think I've just had to take care of myself for so long and just had to stand strong alone to survive, that I think I don't really know how to really rely on others. It's really a hard thing to do, and to also admit that I may need help. I have to realize that it's a good thing that I feel so much. It means I haven't lost my humanity or ability to feel. The way he left me was not a normal reaction. We weren't fighting or having a bad time. We were having a lot of fun and got along great. I didn't do anything wrong but make him be responsible for his actions. You can't just shut off your feelings and switch to someone else in the blink of an eye. It's not natural to not have any grieving process. The fact that he didn't shows me it's there, just denied and buried. You can stuff it deep down, but you can't ingore the feelings. If left unfelt, it turns into anxiety (hence his anxiety attacks) and eats you up.
So here's to the 1st Step to helping myself.....I gotta start somewhere...
You're little tips do really help. Just changing the way I phrase things really does change your way of thinking, which changes your feelings. One I keep telling myself that helps is to stop thinking "why aren't I good enough for him?" to "why he's not good enough for me?". It does help. There's nothing wrong with me. I really go down that dark path so often and I'm tired of it.
Today's a good day to work on my 12 step book. It's really cold and snowy outside, and I think it will be good for me to use this time to make a emotional/spiritual game plan for myself. It will also be a good time to start to learn to be okay with myself. "Spending time with me". Does sound nicer than saying "I'm alone tonight". It's okay.
I think I've just had to take care of myself for so long and just had to stand strong alone to survive, that I think I don't really know how to really rely on others. It's really a hard thing to do, and to also admit that I may need help. I have to realize that it's a good thing that I feel so much. It means I haven't lost my humanity or ability to feel. The way he left me was not a normal reaction. We weren't fighting or having a bad time. We were having a lot of fun and got along great. I didn't do anything wrong but make him be responsible for his actions. You can't just shut off your feelings and switch to someone else in the blink of an eye. It's not natural to not have any grieving process. The fact that he didn't shows me it's there, just denied and buried. You can stuff it deep down, but you can't ingore the feelings. If left unfelt, it turns into anxiety (hence his anxiety attacks) and eats you up.
So here's to the 1st Step to helping myself.....I gotta start somewhere...
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I am powerless over anything I give my power to
that includes people, places and things, especially people
even try
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over "my alcoholic", that our lives had become unmanageable.
I have found that putting whatever I need to in that slot, including my feelings is incredibly helpful, whenever something grabs me and tosses me around like a dog shaking a carpet slipper, such as my emotions
I am powerless over my first thought, but not my second, I'm not powerless over what I do with that that, whether I attach and end up upside down, or "let it go", truthfully I don't know how to "let go" but I HAVE learned how to "let it be" but that's just me.
If you admit powerlessness over something it no longer has any power over you, there is a great freedom in surrender
Life is a wave, it's going to take you from Point A to Point B regardless of how much you struggle, the decision you make in doing the steps is whether you are going to learn to surf or be dragged kicking and screaming and drowning.
The circumstances don't change but my reaction to it does, also step one has never ever ever been helpful to me unless followed by the subsequent steps, there is where I will find my solution for being powerless.
that includes people, places and things, especially people
even try
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over "my alcoholic", that our lives had become unmanageable.
I have found that putting whatever I need to in that slot, including my feelings is incredibly helpful, whenever something grabs me and tosses me around like a dog shaking a carpet slipper, such as my emotions
I am powerless over my first thought, but not my second, I'm not powerless over what I do with that that, whether I attach and end up upside down, or "let it go", truthfully I don't know how to "let go" but I HAVE learned how to "let it be" but that's just me.
If you admit powerlessness over something it no longer has any power over you, there is a great freedom in surrender
Life is a wave, it's going to take you from Point A to Point B regardless of how much you struggle, the decision you make in doing the steps is whether you are going to learn to surf or be dragged kicking and screaming and drowning.
The circumstances don't change but my reaction to it does, also step one has never ever ever been helpful to me unless followed by the subsequent steps, there is where I will find my solution for being powerless.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Welcome.
Thanks. Just call me "Heloise"
Yep, tried and true method. Four out of five personal coaches agree, its scientifically proven to increase the number of smiles on people's faces! 
Our Personal Values (like Morals, Self-Image & Dreams for our futures) MINUS Our Current Behaviors EQUALS Our Self-Esteem. So, the less your behaviors match your values, the lower your self-esteem (feelings of "why aren't I good enough?")
Low self-esteem, and therefore your obsessions with this RUDE, SMELLY ALCOHOLIC PERSON, can be banished from your life and mind by paying attention to your behaviors and making sure they MATCH your values.
If you don't know what your values are, think back to sixth and seventh grade and what you cherished and believed in then. Re-examine what you believe is morally right and what is morally wrong. And work on intellectualizing what you want for YOUR future.
Then, work on bringing your behaviors back up to ALL those values.
What you are going thru right now with this has nothing to do with "What is Wrong With Me" and everything to do with the Self-Esteem Equation above.
COLD AND SNOWY? Good Lord, What part of the world are you in?!?!?!
I am my favorite person and so, I LOVE to spend time with ME. Gets easier as you get older and you become so senile that you don't even care what anyone else thinks anymore LOL! (Sad but true).
Yep, me too. Our INDEPENDENCE is so strong. Interdependence is healthier, but more difficult because Interdependence requires TWO healthy people whereas Independence only requires our own stubborn selves.
Yep, see how frickin' SMART and INTUITIVE you are? What AWESOME traits and intelligence!
I don't really know BS08 what you mean by "I gotta' help myself" but I don't think you need any "help." I think you are obsessing over this guy and all you have "lost" because this relationship and what this very sick person did has WORN YOU DOWN.
Give yourself a break, treat yourself to something nice, watch a chick-flick (I LOVE To Wong Foo With Love Julie Newmar, always makes me laugh or Fried Green Tomatoes--very EMPOWERING), take a bubbly bath with candles and the works, and think back to your childhood and what were your values, your morals, and your dreams for your future. See how some of the things you've been doing don't match? Start with this one: One of your values is a healthy relationship with a man whom you are compatible with. "Look here at this smelly alcoholic who walks out and says nothing to me. THAT is not what I value and I have been involved with someone like that. Now I will remove this person from my life in all ways possible because HE DOES NOT MATCH MY VALUES."
Then, make some little notes and plans on how you want to achieve those things. Be creative; make it fun, not some dull, depressing exercise.
Much more fun than "helping" anybody!!! Right? OK, sorry, I lose control of myself and start repeating things. I apologize.
You're little tips do really help.
Just changing the way I phrase things really does change your way of thinking, which changes your feelings.
One I keep telling myself that helps is to stop thinking "why aren't I good enough for him?"
Low self-esteem, and therefore your obsessions with this RUDE, SMELLY ALCOHOLIC PERSON, can be banished from your life and mind by paying attention to your behaviors and making sure they MATCH your values.
If you don't know what your values are, think back to sixth and seventh grade and what you cherished and believed in then. Re-examine what you believe is morally right and what is morally wrong. And work on intellectualizing what you want for YOUR future.
Then, work on bringing your behaviors back up to ALL those values.
What you are going thru right now with this has nothing to do with "What is Wrong With Me" and everything to do with the Self-Esteem Equation above.
COLD AND SNOWY? Good Lord, What part of the world are you in?!?!?!
I am my favorite person and so, I LOVE to spend time with ME. Gets easier as you get older and you become so senile that you don't even care what anyone else thinks anymore LOL! (Sad but true).
I think I've just had to take care of myself for so long and just had to stand strong alone to survive, that I think I don't really know how to really rely on others.
We were having a lot of fun and got along great. I didn't do anything wrong but make him be responsible for his actions. You can't just shut off your feelings and switch to someone else in the blink of an eye. It's not natural to not have any grieving process. The fact that he didn't shows me it's there, just denied and buried. You can stuff it deep down, but you can't ingore the feelings. If left unfelt, it turns into anxiety (hence his anxiety attacks) and eats you up.
I don't really know BS08 what you mean by "I gotta' help myself" but I don't think you need any "help." I think you are obsessing over this guy and all you have "lost" because this relationship and what this very sick person did has WORN YOU DOWN.
Give yourself a break, treat yourself to something nice, watch a chick-flick (I LOVE To Wong Foo With Love Julie Newmar, always makes me laugh or Fried Green Tomatoes--very EMPOWERING), take a bubbly bath with candles and the works, and think back to your childhood and what were your values, your morals, and your dreams for your future. See how some of the things you've been doing don't match? Start with this one: One of your values is a healthy relationship with a man whom you are compatible with. "Look here at this smelly alcoholic who walks out and says nothing to me. THAT is not what I value and I have been involved with someone like that. Now I will remove this person from my life in all ways possible because HE DOES NOT MATCH MY VALUES."
Then, make some little notes and plans on how you want to achieve those things. Be creative; make it fun, not some dull, depressing exercise.
Much more fun than "helping" anybody!!! Right?
OK, sorry, I lose control of myself and start repeating things. I apologize.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Thanks Learn. That's a great post and I really love the equation. 
That helped a bunch. What I mean by me having to help myself is that I have to stop doing these hurtful things to myself (my acting out) and start being better to myself. I'm doing the wrong things, which is bring down my self esteem, which is causing me this pain and depression. I have to look at my behavior and fix it to a more positive and nuturing way. Yes, he has worn me down. plummeted my self esteem, but I'm not helping myself either. That's what makes me feel out of control with it. I'm hurting myself.
I'm actually going to do what you suggest tonight, and work with my Codie 12 step book. I'm going to make a life gameplan tonight. It already makes me feel better thinking about it. It's a positive step and a good chance to spend some quality time with me.
Cold and snowy is right. I live in CO in a cabin.
I'm already skiing. I'm going to light my fireplace tonight, have a cup of chai and make a plan. I think what will also be nice to do is make some plans for when I go to visit my family in 4 weeks. I haven't seen them in 15 years, have to get to know my nieces again, and it would be nice to think about how I want to spend that time with them, not on what I use to do with him. They match my values, he does not.
Thank you Learn. That helped a bunch...
(this is the CO version of getting a slap upside the head...)
That helped a bunch. What I mean by me having to help myself is that I have to stop doing these hurtful things to myself (my acting out) and start being better to myself. I'm doing the wrong things, which is bring down my self esteem, which is causing me this pain and depression. I have to look at my behavior and fix it to a more positive and nuturing way. Yes, he has worn me down. plummeted my self esteem, but I'm not helping myself either. That's what makes me feel out of control with it. I'm hurting myself.
I'm actually going to do what you suggest tonight, and work with my Codie 12 step book. I'm going to make a life gameplan tonight. It already makes me feel better thinking about it. It's a positive step and a good chance to spend some quality time with me.
Cold and snowy is right. I live in CO in a cabin.
I'm already skiing. I'm going to light my fireplace tonight, have a cup of chai and make a plan. I think what will also be nice to do is make some plans for when I go to visit my family in 4 weeks. I haven't seen them in 15 years, have to get to know my nieces again, and it would be nice to think about how I want to spend that time with them, not on what I use to do with him. They match my values, he does not. Thank you Learn. That helped a bunch...
(this is the CO version of getting a slap upside the head...)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm hurting myself.
You sound much better today than the last couple days! I am so happy for you.
A cabin in CO?!?!?! Already skiing?!?!?! You sound like a healthy person to me. I wish I could be like that.
One last suggestion: Be aware of your desires and expectations for this upcoming visit. Nieces and nephews grow so fast and for me all of a sudden it became so hard to entertain them without loads of money
Maybe some folks here have some ideas how to do that inexpensively?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
BS08 quote: ((I didn't do anything wrong but make him be responsible for his actions.))
Hoo Boy!!! Honey, to him, your call to "make him be responsible for his actions"", was the big daddy of crimes. Facing up to the truth is the last thing he want's, so he fled the scene.
You faced up to how his behavior affected you, told him and nothing you did was wrong, FOR YOU.
For him however, it was endangering his drinking and he had to protect that by running.
Like in the film "A Few Good Men", the words "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH", by Jack Nicholson are so true of active addicts.
Now it is up to you to handle what you see as the truth for you, that you have your own addiction to fight against, and recognising this is step 1, the big one.
Congrats on seeing that, and being prepared to work on change in yourself.
Let him go live his way, and as you say goodbye to who you thought he was, thank him for giving you the reason to change what you need in yourself.
Doing well and looking forward to doing better.
God bless
Hoo Boy!!! Honey, to him, your call to "make him be responsible for his actions"", was the big daddy of crimes. Facing up to the truth is the last thing he want's, so he fled the scene.
You faced up to how his behavior affected you, told him and nothing you did was wrong, FOR YOU.
For him however, it was endangering his drinking and he had to protect that by running.
Like in the film "A Few Good Men", the words "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH", by Jack Nicholson are so true of active addicts.
Now it is up to you to handle what you see as the truth for you, that you have your own addiction to fight against, and recognising this is step 1, the big one.
Congrats on seeing that, and being prepared to work on change in yourself.
Let him go live his way, and as you say goodbye to who you thought he was, thank him for giving you the reason to change what you need in yourself.
Doing well and looking forward to doing better.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
BS08 quote: ((I didn't do anything wrong but make him be responsible for his actions.))
Hoo Boy!!! Honey, to him, your call to "make him be responsible for his actions"", was the big daddy of crimes. Facing up to the truth is the last thing he want's, so he fled the scene.
You faced up to how his behavior affected you, told him and nothing you did was wrong, FOR YOU.
For him however, it was endangering his drinking and he had to protect that by running.
Like in the film "A Few Good Men", the words "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH", by Jack Nicholson are so true of active addicts.
Now it is up to you to handle what you see as the truth for you, that you have your own addiction to fight against, and recognising this is step 1, the big one.
Congrats on seeing that, and being prepared to work on change in yourself.
Let him go live his way, and as you say goodbye to who you thought he was, thank him for giving you the reason to change what you need in yourself.
Doing well and looking forward to doing better.
God bless
Hoo Boy!!! Honey, to him, your call to "make him be responsible for his actions"", was the big daddy of crimes. Facing up to the truth is the last thing he want's, so he fled the scene.
You faced up to how his behavior affected you, told him and nothing you did was wrong, FOR YOU.
For him however, it was endangering his drinking and he had to protect that by running.
Like in the film "A Few Good Men", the words "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH", by Jack Nicholson are so true of active addicts.
Now it is up to you to handle what you see as the truth for you, that you have your own addiction to fight against, and recognising this is step 1, the big one.
Congrats on seeing that, and being prepared to work on change in yourself.
Let him go live his way, and as you say goodbye to who you thought he was, thank him for giving you the reason to change what you need in yourself.
Doing well and looking forward to doing better.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
I am better today. And I think my HP knew I needed an emotional boost, so gave me a beautiful CO kinda day. Started off with the mountain trees around my house covered with a frosty white in the early AM, a day patrolling on the slopes (I'm a ski patroller) with some good, solid, fun people, and then coming home to find my neighborhood FULL of ELK!! They were everywhere and so beautiful!! Nature always sooths my soul, and I think God gave me an extra helping today. Plus a call with my best friend always helps.
I also went to a Al Anon meeting tonight. I'm going to force myself to go at least once a week. I have to. Going tonight makes me realize it could of been SO MUCH WORSE!! I could of had a child with him, I could of moved in with him like we were planning and then had to deal with his financial mess (I probably would of been paying his mortgage by now and not my own!), he could of given me herpes (he has herpes but never decided to tell me that until we had been sexually active for 2 month. On top of which, he only told me because I was going to my MD's the next day to get birth control. We had not used protection once, so it pisses me off that he let us do that knowing he could of given me an STD. Wasn't improtant to him to protect me), could still be involved with being manipulated/lied to/cheated on. I really feel now after the meeting that I got off easy. I am grateful for that.
But just because I'm starting to feel better doesn't mean I stop doing things. Working on Step 1 tonight, and continuing with the meetings. It's not an option for me anymore. I want no more of this:
and more of this:
I also went to a Al Anon meeting tonight. I'm going to force myself to go at least once a week. I have to. Going tonight makes me realize it could of been SO MUCH WORSE!! I could of had a child with him, I could of moved in with him like we were planning and then had to deal with his financial mess (I probably would of been paying his mortgage by now and not my own!), he could of given me herpes (he has herpes but never decided to tell me that until we had been sexually active for 2 month. On top of which, he only told me because I was going to my MD's the next day to get birth control. We had not used protection once, so it pisses me off that he let us do that knowing he could of given me an STD. Wasn't improtant to him to protect me), could still be involved with being manipulated/lied to/cheated on. I really feel now after the meeting that I got off easy. I am grateful for that.
But just because I'm starting to feel better doesn't mean I stop doing things. Working on Step 1 tonight, and continuing with the meetings. It's not an option for me anymore. I want no more of this:
and more of this: Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
When I first went to Alanon and kept hearing "it takes time", I felt like screaming: "I am in pain, it hurts, I want it to stop NOW." Of course it just went as it should, meaning IT TOOK TIME.
TIME to be angry, TIME to cry, TIME search for meaning, TIME to learn, TIME to fight, and at last TIME to accept, change and travel on.
I learnt in that TIME, that the world keeps on moving on no matter how I feel, and I have to move with it at some TIME.
I had what I had and learned from it, that I do not want it again, and then learned some ways of minimising the chances of having it repeating in future.
The steps do work, but they take TIME.
God bless
TIME to be angry, TIME to cry, TIME search for meaning, TIME to learn, TIME to fight, and at last TIME to accept, change and travel on.
I learnt in that TIME, that the world keeps on moving on no matter how I feel, and I have to move with it at some TIME.
I had what I had and learned from it, that I do not want it again, and then learned some ways of minimising the chances of having it repeating in future.
The steps do work, but they take TIME.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
I was reading a local paper yesterday and there was a full page article about this guy who had lived in the area for years and was very well known (small mountain paper). The guy died this past week at 59 of poor physical health (didn't say what he died of) in Mexico. He had been a lawyer, known partier, liked to defend drug cases, arrested for his part in a drug ring, sent to prison, disBarred, lived in a halfway house, dealt again, caught again, fled to Mexico and had lived there for the past 3 years on the lam. This joke of an article actually glorified him by calling him a local "hero", that you couldn't help like the guy, and all the good things he did (like plant aspens in his yard and watch his neighbors pets once in a while 
WHAT A CARING GUY!!) I read this article yesterday with some friends and we just laughed at it and couldn't believe they would waste a page in the paper glorifing this guy! I stated I was going to write a comment in because I just couldn't believe this article. The paper had hit a new low as far as we were concerned.
So I go online today to the article to write my comment, and low and behold, I see a comment by a signature name that I recognize. Yup, my exAFB commenting on him, and I quote, "While he was no angel, he was one in a million and I'm better for having known him". BETTER for having know a convicted felon?!! ON THE LAM IN MEXICO?!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
I couldn't believe it....
And this goes right back to Learn's equation. There it is in black and white. I couldn't believe they wasted a full page on this loser, and here he is thinking he's better for having known him (and he seemed to be the only one commenting like this). Yup, his values and morals are CERTAINLY not matching mine...and thank God for that.....
What a wakeup call...
WHAT A CARING GUY!!) I read this article yesterday with some friends and we just laughed at it and couldn't believe they would waste a page in the paper glorifing this guy! I stated I was going to write a comment in because I just couldn't believe this article. The paper had hit a new low as far as we were concerned. So I go online today to the article to write my comment, and low and behold, I see a comment by a signature name that I recognize. Yup, my exAFB commenting on him, and I quote, "While he was no angel, he was one in a million and I'm better for having known him". BETTER for having know a convicted felon?!! ON THE LAM IN MEXICO?!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
I couldn't believe it....And this goes right back to Learn's equation. There it is in black and white. I couldn't believe they wasted a full page on this loser, and here he is thinking he's better for having known him (and he seemed to be the only one commenting like this). Yup, his values and morals are CERTAINLY not matching mine...and thank God for that.....
What a wakeup call...
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