What if it really is me?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
What if it really is me?
I remember someone asking this recently and yes, I struggle with it. Go back and forth between blaming my AH (or screwed up parents of PMS or whatever) and wondering if it's just me.
Last night I took the kids to AH house, the foreclosed house I just moved out of. I still have tons of stuff there as I essentially fled for my life with just two trucks of belongings. He's been moving all of my things into the front room. I"m going to need a truck again.
That was early Sept and we're actually quite civil to each other now.
His house is decked out. Looks fantastic. And while I was working with our 8 year old at the computer, AH was telling our 11 year old that he's very anal now about messes and won't tolerate them in his house.
I was sooo mad. MAD.
Here I am working with our son who's project is going to be late because when they're with their dad he won't do homework with him. And I have the kids most of the time and he gets to drink and clean the house and send me raging texts and emails and post on facebook about having to clean up "years of neglect."
He's always had issues with my housekeeping, but over the last six months the place essentially became a dump because I was so totally freaked out by his drinking and raging episodes at night and cheating and trying to keep the house from going into foreclosure in the middle of all of it and you know what?
Those are all excuses I tell myself. They're all ways of blaming him.
My new place isn't even set up yet. I don't have pictures hung like he does and the place isn't tidy. I still have boxes out and laundry on the couch. I have no one to blame but myself.
But I can't "blame" myself because that only makes me feel worse.
So this morning I"m pledging to myself to:
Go back to yoga so my anxiety gets under control and
Spend one hour every day unpacking and cleaning
And not worry because my endometriosis is flaring up and soon the tylenol won't work and I'll have to take freaking narcotics for a week
And not self sabatage or however that's spelled by sitting in front of the tv watching Galaxy Quest because I need a laugh.
And I'm not going to do it because he's shamed me, but because I want a clean organized house. And I can do it.
Right???
Last night I took the kids to AH house, the foreclosed house I just moved out of. I still have tons of stuff there as I essentially fled for my life with just two trucks of belongings. He's been moving all of my things into the front room. I"m going to need a truck again.
That was early Sept and we're actually quite civil to each other now.
His house is decked out. Looks fantastic. And while I was working with our 8 year old at the computer, AH was telling our 11 year old that he's very anal now about messes and won't tolerate them in his house.
I was sooo mad. MAD.
Here I am working with our son who's project is going to be late because when they're with their dad he won't do homework with him. And I have the kids most of the time and he gets to drink and clean the house and send me raging texts and emails and post on facebook about having to clean up "years of neglect."
He's always had issues with my housekeeping, but over the last six months the place essentially became a dump because I was so totally freaked out by his drinking and raging episodes at night and cheating and trying to keep the house from going into foreclosure in the middle of all of it and you know what?
Those are all excuses I tell myself. They're all ways of blaming him.
My new place isn't even set up yet. I don't have pictures hung like he does and the place isn't tidy. I still have boxes out and laundry on the couch. I have no one to blame but myself.
But I can't "blame" myself because that only makes me feel worse.
So this morning I"m pledging to myself to:
Go back to yoga so my anxiety gets under control and
Spend one hour every day unpacking and cleaning
And not worry because my endometriosis is flaring up and soon the tylenol won't work and I'll have to take freaking narcotics for a week
And not self sabatage or however that's spelled by sitting in front of the tv watching Galaxy Quest because I need a laugh.
And I'm not going to do it because he's shamed me, but because I want a clean organized house. And I can do it.
Right???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
You CAN do it, transform. Look how much you've already done!
I would say this about having a clean house -- there's neat, there's clean, and then there is obsessive. Personally, having organized surroundings help me because I have ADHD and its very difficult for me to think in clutter. That said, keeping my environment clean has been a challenge for me in my life. When I was younger I was at best a diffident housekeeper. During my marriage it was even harder, a lot of that was that not only was I trying to clean up after myself and my kids, but my husband was also a careless housekeeper, so it was an impossible task with no one but me interested in handling it. When his mental health went south, his interest in cleaning went along with it and no amount of negotiating or rational talk could get him to clean - much less get out of bed. I'm not blaming him, it was simply an unfortunate side effect of his issues. Now that we are separated, I find it much easier to keep things picked up.
I don't worry obsessively about having a sanitized home, but I like to have things off the counters and have them wiped down, floors swept/vacuumed regularly, bathrooms cleaned. I do it not for anyone else, but because it makes ME feel better.
Some people are naturally more inclined to be neat, others not so much. A truly disorganized home usually indicates some depression or other issues; it is hard to have the energy to clean.
I would say this about having a clean house -- there's neat, there's clean, and then there is obsessive. Personally, having organized surroundings help me because I have ADHD and its very difficult for me to think in clutter. That said, keeping my environment clean has been a challenge for me in my life. When I was younger I was at best a diffident housekeeper. During my marriage it was even harder, a lot of that was that not only was I trying to clean up after myself and my kids, but my husband was also a careless housekeeper, so it was an impossible task with no one but me interested in handling it. When his mental health went south, his interest in cleaning went along with it and no amount of negotiating or rational talk could get him to clean - much less get out of bed. I'm not blaming him, it was simply an unfortunate side effect of his issues. Now that we are separated, I find it much easier to keep things picked up.
I don't worry obsessively about having a sanitized home, but I like to have things off the counters and have them wiped down, floors swept/vacuumed regularly, bathrooms cleaned. I do it not for anyone else, but because it makes ME feel better.
Some people are naturally more inclined to be neat, others not so much. A truly disorganized home usually indicates some depression or other issues; it is hard to have the energy to clean.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
How "nice" for your AH to have a clean and tidy house to himself, and how pleased and proud he is with himself, whilst not so happy about your housekeeping.
It is a great pity he wasn't so "ANAL" about having a clean and tidy lifestyle instead of the messy and filthy one he had, being drunk, a liar and an unfaithful husband and dad.
Had he behaved himself then and not driven you into the ground, he could have had a nice clean house with his family still in it with him.
Don't let his attempts at putting you down so he can lift himself up, destroy your peace and relief at getting out from where you were.
I moved house in February, still haven't finished unpacking, or decided which photos and pictures to hang where yet, but it hasn't stoped the world from spinning yet.
My ABF is a clean freak, and used to nag me if my place wasn't up to his standards, til I commented that I had helped dozens of times, to clean his pigsty of stubbie bottles, dirty dishes, overloaded ashtrays etc, and he had not had to clean up my units. I also said, "my dishes are always done, and my bed is made, and you won't find a dirty slag in there either. I regret I can't say the same for yours." He shut up like a clam after that.
This time, being in recovery at last, he is nothing like that, and I am so thankful for it.
You know from so many other's stories here, just how self centred and defensive A's can be and he is doing nothing surprising or different to the expected.
He needs to heap as much as he can on to you, because then HE feels better about himself, and whether what he says is true or not doesn't matter to him.
Nor will he want to see that his behavior had anything to do with you not coping, and being unable to keep up standards because you had been so upset by his actions.
Just tell yourself, "What he thinks DOES NOT matter to me, he is not in control of me, I AM."
I hope your endometriosis calms down soon, that your yoga gives you peace from anxiety and stress and you consign his quacking back to the barnyard where it belongs.
God bless
It is a great pity he wasn't so "ANAL" about having a clean and tidy lifestyle instead of the messy and filthy one he had, being drunk, a liar and an unfaithful husband and dad.
Had he behaved himself then and not driven you into the ground, he could have had a nice clean house with his family still in it with him.
Don't let his attempts at putting you down so he can lift himself up, destroy your peace and relief at getting out from where you were.
I moved house in February, still haven't finished unpacking, or decided which photos and pictures to hang where yet, but it hasn't stoped the world from spinning yet.
My ABF is a clean freak, and used to nag me if my place wasn't up to his standards, til I commented that I had helped dozens of times, to clean his pigsty of stubbie bottles, dirty dishes, overloaded ashtrays etc, and he had not had to clean up my units. I also said, "my dishes are always done, and my bed is made, and you won't find a dirty slag in there either. I regret I can't say the same for yours." He shut up like a clam after that.
This time, being in recovery at last, he is nothing like that, and I am so thankful for it.
You know from so many other's stories here, just how self centred and defensive A's can be and he is doing nothing surprising or different to the expected.
He needs to heap as much as he can on to you, because then HE feels better about himself, and whether what he says is true or not doesn't matter to him.
Nor will he want to see that his behavior had anything to do with you not coping, and being unable to keep up standards because you had been so upset by his actions.
Just tell yourself, "What he thinks DOES NOT matter to me, he is not in control of me, I AM."
I hope your endometriosis calms down soon, that your yoga gives you peace from anxiety and stress and you consign his quacking back to the barnyard where it belongs.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
You know what, Transform? Ignore everything I said.
Jadmack has the right of it. Honestly. You don't have to react to your AH's negativity; how you keep your environment should meet YOUR needs and expectations; not his.
Jadmack has the right of it. Honestly. You don't have to react to your AH's negativity; how you keep your environment should meet YOUR needs and expectations; not his.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Cowgirl, I"m not going to disregard what you said in your first post, you were supportive and encouraging. Thank you!
I can do this .You're right. And so is Jadmack and Still water. (Funny names we have no? I feel like back in the day when our names really meant something. I'm white and Indian and had relatives with names like "Bad Hand"
)
I know he's throwing diggs at me. I know he's trying to make himself feel better and honestly, why not? He's lost his home and family. When he stops drinking he feel horible and doesn't know yet that he can be happier without it. He could clean up the house without throwing little diggs at me though. But that's where he's at.
I want to stop blaming him back! I want to stop the cycle. Today at least. I love blaming him. I love that I can justify my issues by pointing at his. Oh, I know I"m going to regret admitting this later, when I"m in the throes of doing exactly that and someone points it out to me, but darn it, it's just so much easier to be mad at my AH than get off my butt and get organized. And I have a list of reasons why I don't do it in addition to my AH, too.
The question is, how badly do I want to become the happiest woman I know? I know that being organized will make be feel better. I'm not better than my AH, he probably knows deep down that he'll be better off getting sober, what keeps him from it.
I only have myself to look to for these answers and solutions.
Right now even i"m trying to talk myself out of going to yoga. But my neck is starting to hurt from not going in nearly two weeks, and my back hurts from sitting at this computer for 6 hours straight while the kids are in school and I certianly don't move as easily as I should... AND I'm a bit nutso...
I can do this .You're right. And so is Jadmack and Still water. (Funny names we have no? I feel like back in the day when our names really meant something. I'm white and Indian and had relatives with names like "Bad Hand"
)I know he's throwing diggs at me. I know he's trying to make himself feel better and honestly, why not? He's lost his home and family. When he stops drinking he feel horible and doesn't know yet that he can be happier without it. He could clean up the house without throwing little diggs at me though. But that's where he's at.
I want to stop blaming him back! I want to stop the cycle. Today at least. I love blaming him. I love that I can justify my issues by pointing at his. Oh, I know I"m going to regret admitting this later, when I"m in the throes of doing exactly that and someone points it out to me, but darn it, it's just so much easier to be mad at my AH than get off my butt and get organized. And I have a list of reasons why I don't do it in addition to my AH, too.
The question is, how badly do I want to become the happiest woman I know? I know that being organized will make be feel better. I'm not better than my AH, he probably knows deep down that he'll be better off getting sober, what keeps him from it.
I only have myself to look to for these answers and solutions.
Right now even i"m trying to talk myself out of going to yoga. But my neck is starting to hurt from not going in nearly two weeks, and my back hurts from sitting at this computer for 6 hours straight while the kids are in school and I certianly don't move as easily as I should... AND I'm a bit nutso...
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I hope your endometriosis calms down soon, that your yoga gives you peace from anxiety and stress and you consign his quacking back to the barnyard where it belongs.
And this
You CAN do it, transform. Look how much you've already done!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Take it easy on yourself. Be kind to you. It is just a matter of finding 'your' balance between how you want your environment to be and how you want to fill your day. There are things you do for your own mental health. Yoga versus unpacking a box. Sometimes the box will win, sometimes not. Spending time with the children - that is time well invested but it is also important to create an environment you can all function in. Find the balance that works for *you* and let go of the rest. It doesn't matter what anyone else does.
PS: My husbands space in our house now is a total disaster. I mean utter chaos. I'm 90% sure that his new place will be super orderly. He won't have kids full time taking up his time or their stuff taking up space. He is not a barometer for how I want my house, not even close. I laugh at the thought right now. Remind yourself of that. I'm sure I'll have to re-read this some time next year too
.
PS: My husbands space in our house now is a total disaster. I mean utter chaos. I'm 90% sure that his new place will be super orderly. He won't have kids full time taking up his time or their stuff taking up space. He is not a barometer for how I want my house, not even close. I laugh at the thought right now. Remind yourself of that. I'm sure I'll have to re-read this some time next year too
.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I got myself to yoga. Ah, that's better. It really, 100% fixes everything.
Thumper you are so right, balance is the key.
And I realized I can't come here and do this every morning. Just essentially blog and hang out with all the wonderful people here. I'm not happy about it, but I have to write for a living. not just to hear myself type.
I have to get my darn work done. Yes, I know I need support and I need to process this insane stuff from my codependance on my AH but I also need to be able to pay the bills!
So if you see me here, please nice like ask if I have my feature, 3 bios, 3 reviews and book proposal done?
Thumper you are so right, balance is the key.
And I realized I can't come here and do this every morning. Just essentially blog and hang out with all the wonderful people here. I'm not happy about it, but I have to write for a living. not just to hear myself type.
I have to get my darn work done. Yes, I know I need support and I need to process this insane stuff from my codependance on my AH but I also need to be able to pay the bills!
So if you see me here, please nice like ask if I have my feature, 3 bios, 3 reviews and book proposal done?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I think it's sort of hilarious that he won't get over this cleaning thing. Does he think that justifies cheating on his wife and breaking up his family? And you are agonizing over your cleaning as if you believe that all would be well if you'd only cleaned. I highly doubt he's agonizing over his affairs, alcoholism, and abandonment. It's just an effed up thing I'm noticing, how the non-A spouse beats his/herself up over $hit that's unimportant, while the A lives in complete denial of what he/she's done.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
Yep it was the dirty house that made him a drunken cheat. Just like the woman who was beaten because her man had to wait an hour for dinner. Now that is a real hardship on any man! Don't you know I'm an pretty good house keeper, do good in my community ect...; but I don't like having sex with my husband when he's drunk. That's the only way he likes it (or with porn). You know I'm a totally useless piece of crap! Yep that's me. These men are crazy! And say anything just to hurt others... Hurting people hurt people.
Transformyself...
Your AH is... Ok I can't write that... but just be happy your free to do your yoga and write to me and others about how great your freedom is! Don't get sucked back in to his junk! You seem awesome... Don't let him steal one more second of your time!
Hey how is your writing going??? Kind of funny I'm writing a book too!!! By the way I liked blog 2....
Transformyself...
Your AH is... Ok I can't write that... but just be happy your free to do your yoga and write to me and others about how great your freedom is! Don't get sucked back in to his junk! You seem awesome... Don't let him steal one more second of your time!
Hey how is your writing going??? Kind of funny I'm writing a book too!!! By the way I liked blog 2....
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Anvil
Hilarious! Thank you for the smack down.
And my dear Wanting, I have to say with 100% honesty that my AH does agonize over his drinking, infidelity and abuse. I know he does. Will that bring change of just some much needed guilt? I don't know. I hope in time he can grow and change and stop freaking drinking so much.
And he also knows my actions do not in any way justify his cheating. We worked for a year on this. It was slow, but he does now see how he blames me for his actions. He still does it, but he does have awareness.
The best news is that none of this is my problem anymore. Truly. We are beginning to be friends, at least friendly, and able to work together on a level we weren't able to while living together. Until he chooses to get sober and face his demons, he will be limited and i do not rely on him, really, for anything. I just accept him as he is right now and cover my butt.
And I"m sorry if I misrepresented my situation but I ain't doin this:
Hell no. What I am doing is recognizing that when I stop blaming him, I have am left with myself. I need to change some things in order to be happier. For myself and the kids. And being more organized is a goal of mine. The kids need it and I do too. Please don't think I'm obsessing or being anal, we just need more structure. Like, putting up the bookshelves and organizing the office so we have an orderly space to work in. It makes everyone more productive.
Does that explain things better? My dear, invisible friends...isn't this cyber stuff wierd? Where are you? Who are you? Why can't you come over and hang out?
Oh well, I"m grateful for you, thats for sure!
Hilarious! Thank you for the smack down.
And my dear Wanting, I have to say with 100% honesty that my AH does agonize over his drinking, infidelity and abuse. I know he does. Will that bring change of just some much needed guilt? I don't know. I hope in time he can grow and change and stop freaking drinking so much.
And he also knows my actions do not in any way justify his cheating. We worked for a year on this. It was slow, but he does now see how he blames me for his actions. He still does it, but he does have awareness.
The best news is that none of this is my problem anymore. Truly. We are beginning to be friends, at least friendly, and able to work together on a level we weren't able to while living together. Until he chooses to get sober and face his demons, he will be limited and i do not rely on him, really, for anything. I just accept him as he is right now and cover my butt.
And I"m sorry if I misrepresented my situation but I ain't doin this:
And you are agonizing over your cleaning as if you believe that all would be well if you'd only cleaned.
Does that explain things better? My dear, invisible friends...isn't this cyber stuff wierd? Where are you? Who are you? Why can't you come over and hang out?
Oh well, I"m grateful for you, thats for sure!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
the hard part about juggling isn't throwing all the balls into the air, it's KEEPING them there!
So THAT'S what I keep doing wrong.......
Transform, have a great day. Unless the dust bunnies are starting to sprout fangs and bite your ankles, leave 'em where they are. They'll still be there when you get around to them.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
TM, when I said you "are" agonizing, I was maybe projecting a bit of my own situation there. I do tend to get caught up in looking around my messy house and feeling like a horrible person and think of all that I've done or not done and just feel like a total failure.
I don't think my husband agonizes over what he's done. I think he ignores, justifies, denies, does whatever he can to not face the reality of who he is.
Please forgive me if I sound bitter. I haven't had enough coffee yet, and I just found out that my husband spent all his money on a new car instead of paying child support. I want to flatten his tires.
I don't think my husband agonizes over what he's done. I think he ignores, justifies, denies, does whatever he can to not face the reality of who he is.
Please forgive me if I sound bitter. I haven't had enough coffee yet, and I just found out that my husband spent all his money on a new car instead of paying child support. I want to flatten his tires.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Wait, I reread my post and that first bit is misleading
What I was trying to say is that when I stop blaming my AH or whatever I am blaming my current circumstances on, I am left with myself. Do I like myself? Do I want to change? If so why?
This having a cleaner, more oganized environment is for MWAH. Even when AH criticizes me for it, I want it and will do it, despite him.
Ah. am i beating a dead horse or what?
I remember someone asking this recently and yes, I struggle with it. Go back and forth between blaming my AH (or screwed up parents of PMS or whatever) and wondering if it's just me.
This having a cleaner, more oganized environment is for MWAH. Even when AH criticizes me for it, I want it and will do it, despite him.
Ah. am i beating a dead horse or what?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Please forgive me if I sound bitter. I haven't had enough coffee yet, and I just found out that my husband spent all his money on a new car instead of paying child support. I want to flatten his tires.
The best revenge is loving your life. That, and giving his leather jacket and golf clubs to a bum walking down the street. And burning his stuff in the back yard. And running over his guitar in the driveway as he pulls in from work..
No, stop that. Those things just kept the madness going.
The best revenge is loving your life and moving on without him if he can't respect your boundaries. A friend once said to me, take back you life! And it still rings true...
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