kv816

I heard it asked in a meeting the other day dealing with Step 4. The woman was talking about the A in her life and she was talking about how when things got (and get) tough, what part does she play in the madness?

I know she was referring to how she reacts--participating in the fights, etc.

But I wondered, many, okay MOST, of our arguments were because I would detach when alcohol was involved. Wouldn't participate in the fights, wouldn't kiss him, would ignore even the slightest conversation or physical approach. What's the point anyway--I knew even the good dry side of him was only for so long so why be happy and excited about that one moment when I knew it was only a matter of time before it ended.

I guess this is the same as the other post about things getting worse after detachment. And I know the answer is because the A is no longer held high on this pedestal, he's no longer in control in every way, shape and form.

Going back to what part do I play in "this".......I'm feeling tonight that the role I played was calling him on his drinking. The way our relationship deteriorated so quickly was because I chose not to accept his drinking life anymore. I chose not to accept the way he treated himself or the way he treated me when he was drinking. And therefore, in a way, chose not to accept him anymore.

I'm feeling like our life is where it's at because I changed. I wanted him to quit drinking--for MANY reasons (not just selfish ones for me) but because I wanted him to be a better, healthier person. But he didn't and doesn't want that. So I basically gave him the ultimatum--it's me or the beer and I'm feeling wrong for that.

He could have had me. We could have been together. If he did what I wanted--quit drinking. And when you put it that way it sounds SOOO bad! It sounds so wrong of me! Even though deep down what I got away from was the way he treated me because of his drinking.

I guess now that it's all over with--no more of the crap to have to deal with, I'm wondering if what I did or how I did it was wrong. I'm not ready to move on, in the sense of starting another relationship, but should I ever get to that point, I don't want to make the same mistake of giving an ultimatum with it not meaning to be an ultimatum.

Does that make any sense?

Daisy30

I don't know if I can answer this directly, But I have a few thoughts.

Detatching is hard. Someone once explained to me that when they detached from their AH that they called the A a different name. He was John. In that way she was able to seperate the man she loved from the disease.


I think we also need to accept our A's for who they truely are. Maybe you are feeling a little guilty about that. That you stil wanted to change him (insert ultimatum).

It is really a good healthy boundary to not want drinking impacting your relationship.

Sorry my thoughts are scattered HTH

Still Waters

I don't think it's ever wrong to do what's best for you to be healthy and happy. Ever.

coping123

I know you are feeling wrong for basically throwing out the 'ultimatum' - but how much can you take?

I've been trying to figure out the same thing with my ABF - what role do I play? We've only been together for 6 weeks (knew him 20 yrs ago tho), and at week 4 I called him out on being an A (which took me that long to notice) because I didn't know what else to do; week 5 I stopped enabling him & asked his biggest enablers (his best friends) to stop enabling him - which they refused; and at week 6 he comes over for the weekend after his 2 days of 'sober' soul searching, wreaking of vodka - which I promptly called him out on again, because I can't stand the smell anymore. He found reason to leave abruptly the very next day for a family emergency & that's the last time I've actually 'talked' to him, every day since he has pulled away to the point of nothingness, today was the first day we haven't talked since we found each other. Everything has deteriorated in 5 days from everything to nothing, because I chose to not 'take it anymore'. Because I chose to not be a part of him slowly killing himself. Yes we too could have been everything - I thought he was 'the one' that all his good qualities would trump the disease. But today I realized they wouldn't, that the disease will always win, and I had to take back 'me'. Kudos for taking the step to 'take back you'.

I've been to one Al-Anon meeting, I've read all the literature & attempted to implement the attitude change... but sometimes, we just don't have to deal with it anymore. And believe me I am going through the pain of a broken heart right now, not understanding why it all deteriorated so quickly - but it was just that - he was no longer on a pedestal, no longer in control, and that is why he ran away.

Reading your post has helped me tonite gain the strength to realize that I too need to move on. I'm not ready either - but it's that first step that is the most difficult, and you've made that step; and so have I.

brundle

My part:
At first I didn't know it was the alcohol that was the problem. I would fight with him. He would push my buttons and stay calm and watch me flip. So he sent me to anger management therapy even though he was way more angry then me. I've stayed in therapy for 8 years but was told I don't have an anger problem; but I learned other things.

I got sick with MS and he happily drugged me up and drank. He was so mean; I quit fighting. When I came to this board I never said a word about anything. I would pretend everything was perfectly fine even though I was twisted inside. I prayed he would die every night. He had his cake and was eating it too!

Then I melted down. I couldn't pretend anymore. It's been two years of hell. Our life is kind of crazy. I go between cool detachment and pretending everything is fine so I don't have to put up with verbal abuse.

I think I am half the problem because I can't talk to him(I shut up and lie for a false peace) and I've stayed too long.

Ago

If only everybody did what I wanted I'd be ecstatic, don't they know they'd be happier too if they just did what I wanted? Don't they know I know better then they do what they should do with their life?

Have you considered working the steps yourself?

That's where you actually learn where that whole "my part" thing comes from, what that really means, the thing is before I worked the steps I literally couldn't "see" what "my part" was, because my thinking was literally broken, and I couldn't see what was wrong, with what was wrong.

Some good examples of clarity of thinking concerning "my part" can be found by going back through Cowgirls posts from here over the last few months, that's what "my part" looks like.

whyamistaying

Did you ever read, I think it was called Merry Go Round? It describes a person's role with an alcoholic. I have to keep remembering that I have to change what happens in Act 2. Sometimes I actually say I have to do this or we know how this ends up. Silly I know. But there was something about reading that that was helpful.

Jadmack25

Quote: (((So I basically gave him the ultimatum--it's me or the beer and I'm feeling wrong for that.)))

You gave him a choice, just as you had a choice about you and his drinking.

He chose the drinking, because that was what he wanted and needed.

You chose leaving, because you needed to be treated better and healthier than you had been.

I know of no law anywhere, that says someone MUST stay and accept being treated badly, abused, cheated on or whatever because the SO is an addict and must be accepted as such, and all sorts of behavior is thus acceptable.

You are not responsible for him, only for meeting your own needs and if leaving was the way to go, then it isthe way to go.

God bless