Awful night but trying to live in the moment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Edmond OK
Posts: 3
Awful night but trying to live in the moment
18 year marriage and AW had a girls night out after work and came home. She said two glasses of wine and then fell fast asleep before 8 p.m not before asking me to download her pictures....She got up around midnight. I went to get a glass of water and she had opened another small bottle of wine....her drinking has escalated in the past two years. mine has stopped
I told her that I wouldn't download any pictures anymore for her (lame but all I could think of at the time).
The basics of the next 1 hour conversation were:
What's the big deal?
Marriage Counselling which she had previously agreed (lip service) is not a priority.
She admits she has a problem and has no plans to work on it
Not sure if our marriage is strong as she thought
Admitted to mostly drinking when around me
Knows she has deep-seated childhood issues that she's not addressed and probably never will
Basically, i'm not changing and mind your own business and that she doesn't drink that much.
I told her that it was not normal to be drinking wine at midnight in your pajamas at the computer.
I wasn't going to be a part of it
I'm concerned for her physical, mental and spiritual health.
SHe's pushed her family away and seems to be working on me. I'm committed to this relationship and have no intention to leave. We've always said how lucky we are to have each other and the past 18 years have mostly been great.. Last night after the conversation was a seperate bed night. First ever. SHe polished off two more little wine bottles. Not much sleep for me..
I've got an email in to my minister to try and see him today and want to go to an al-anon mtg.....
Detachment in the same house.....intersting concept...don't know about reality....btw..another girls night is sched for tonight.
thanks for listening.
I told her that I wouldn't download any pictures anymore for her (lame but all I could think of at the time).
The basics of the next 1 hour conversation were:
What's the big deal?
Marriage Counselling which she had previously agreed (lip service) is not a priority.
She admits she has a problem and has no plans to work on it
Not sure if our marriage is strong as she thought
Admitted to mostly drinking when around me
Knows she has deep-seated childhood issues that she's not addressed and probably never will
Basically, i'm not changing and mind your own business and that she doesn't drink that much.
I told her that it was not normal to be drinking wine at midnight in your pajamas at the computer.
I wasn't going to be a part of it
I'm concerned for her physical, mental and spiritual health.
SHe's pushed her family away and seems to be working on me. I'm committed to this relationship and have no intention to leave. We've always said how lucky we are to have each other and the past 18 years have mostly been great.. Last night after the conversation was a seperate bed night. First ever. SHe polished off two more little wine bottles. Not much sleep for me..
I've got an email in to my minister to try and see him today and want to go to an al-anon mtg.....
Detachment in the same house.....intersting concept...don't know about reality....btw..another girls night is sched for tonight.
thanks for listening.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Basically, i'm not changing and mind your own business and that she doesn't drink that much.
Oh, that echoed inside my head! I've heard that too.
I'm sorry it was such a rough night last night for you. I know how it feels to seperate in your own home and "try" to sleep. I know the dread of the next scheduled social event where there will be drinking. You have come to the right place. We understand what you are feeling.
I think you are on the right track by seeking counseling and considering Alanon. Keeping your focus on your spiritual, physical and mental needs will help you- help yourself through the problem of alcoholism.
We learn this about alcoholism in Alanon:
We did not cause the addiction
We can not control the addiction
We will not cure the addiction
In reflecting over your conversation last night, do you feel like you were trying to make reasonable points but you were receiving unreasonable responses? If so, that is because she could not hear your points. The alcohol was calling. All she could hear was the wine calling out to her. It is not your fault. You were making reasonable requests. The addiction is unreasonable because alcohol becomes the top priority.
Oh, that echoed inside my head! I've heard that too.
I'm sorry it was such a rough night last night for you. I know how it feels to seperate in your own home and "try" to sleep. I know the dread of the next scheduled social event where there will be drinking. You have come to the right place. We understand what you are feeling.
I think you are on the right track by seeking counseling and considering Alanon. Keeping your focus on your spiritual, physical and mental needs will help you- help yourself through the problem of alcoholism.
We learn this about alcoholism in Alanon:
We did not cause the addiction
We can not control the addiction
We will not cure the addiction
In reflecting over your conversation last night, do you feel like you were trying to make reasonable points but you were receiving unreasonable responses? If so, that is because she could not hear your points. The alcohol was calling. All she could hear was the wine calling out to her. It is not your fault. You were making reasonable requests. The addiction is unreasonable because alcohol becomes the top priority.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Well, you can believe her when she says this:
Really. She means it. I started experiencing freedom when I just believed what my AH told me about his drinking. He wasn't kidding about it!
And I heard this as well
which was really painful and scary but i believe was a deflection used every time I brought up his drinking. He felt attacked because the A has to protect their drinking, so they sling hurtful stuff at you to distract you. It worked with me, pushed my abandonment button.
But this:
Sounds like a power struggle in the face of what she's told you.
From what I've read here, and my experience, I know that alcoholism only escalates and gets worse. Not better. She will continue to drink more and more and change into something you dont' recognize.
That those folks won't get better until something inside of them changes and we stop doing the dance with the. yes, It's counter intuitive to leave them to their own demise, but heck, she's a grown up. She really is choosing to live her life this way right now.
I hope your attempts at detaching are effective. Glad you're here posting!
She admits she has a problem and has no plans to work on it
Admitted to mostly drinking when around me
Knows she has deep-seated childhood issues that she's not addressed and probably never will.
Basically, i'm not changing and mind your own business and that she doesn't drink that much.
Admitted to mostly drinking when around me
Knows she has deep-seated childhood issues that she's not addressed and probably never will.
Basically, i'm not changing and mind your own business and that she doesn't drink that much.
And I heard this as well
Not sure if our marriage is strong as she thought
But this:
I'm committed to this relationship and have no intention to leave.
From what I've read here, and my experience, I know that alcoholism only escalates and gets worse. Not better. She will continue to drink more and more and change into something you dont' recognize.
That those folks won't get better until something inside of them changes and we stop doing the dance with the. yes, It's counter intuitive to leave them to their own demise, but heck, she's a grown up. She really is choosing to live her life this way right now.
I hope your attempts at detaching are effective. Glad you're here posting!
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