Why does it get worse when you stop enabling?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 1
This post with this letter, told me what I've known thank you.
This beautiful letter put perspective into the last few months. Thank you. I fell in love with a 14 month sober AH last year. The first relapse was in December and it's been a revolving door since. It's been painful but you already know that. This letter has given me hope and that, in this situation is invaluable. Again many thanks.
Originally Posted by kv816 
To My Wife,
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily, and u know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic[/I]
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily, and u know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic[/I]
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by anvilhead
some do, some don't. remember that the disease of alcoholism is one of denial and over indulgence, immaturity and irrationality. when enabling STOPS, the addict/alcoholic often feels threatened in some manner and CAN react in many outrageous ways. drinking more, acting out more, sulking, or even trying the super duper spouse approach, with lots of I'm Sorry's, You're Right, Here's some flowers, etc......all efforts are an attempt to get the enabler to get back to the business of enabling.......either by threats or subterfuge.
When we choose to stop enabling, we don't do so in hopes that OUR actions affect THEIR behaviors, we do so to protect ourselves and no longer PARTICIPATE in the madness. how THEY choose to react to that is THEIR business.
When we choose to stop enabling, we don't do so in hopes that OUR actions affect THEIR behaviors, we do so to protect ourselves and no longer PARTICIPATE in the madness. how THEY choose to react to that is THEIR business.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
Thanks WTBH. I stand corrected. What I should have said is sometimes it gets worse (way worse), but that in other situations it gets better.
My apologies.
Cyranoak
My apologies.
Cyranoak
No need to stand corrected... I think that we each have totally different experiences in that regard... I actually am glad to hear that some people don't get worse... I just meant my post to read that I personally have experienced behavior getting worse and have read a lot of others too who this happened to but didn't mean to imply that there was anything at all wrong with your post... Sorry.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Can someone please explain to me the value of that letter, and whether or not we're supposed to take it seriously? I'm at the end of my rope with, "say this", "don't say that", "do this", "don't do that", etc., when dealing with my alcoholic sister. If she wants to get better for herself, then she needs to take responsibility for her illness and behavior, and get the help she needs. I am fed up to my eyeballs with being blamed for everything and having to strategize every move to keep peace with her.
Does a family member get to the point of no return with an alcoholic? FYI, she has been sober for two months now, since the drunken Christmas suicide attempt with police involvement and hospitalization. At that time, I went no contact with her. I am still not comfortable having contact with her, despite her being sober and in recovery.
Does a family member get to the point of no return with an alcoholic? FYI, she has been sober for two months now, since the drunken Christmas suicide attempt with police involvement and hospitalization. At that time, I went no contact with her. I am still not comfortable having contact with her, despite her being sober and in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by LuvMySis
Does a family member get to the point of no return with an alcoholic? FYI, she has been sober for two months now, since the drunken Christmas suicide attempt with police involvement and hospitalization. At that time, I went no contact with her. I am still not comfortable having contact with her, despite her being sober and in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Thank you, SoaringSpirits, for your response. After all of these years, I suppose it's okay to not reconnect with her now that she is in recovery. She has been to rehab many times in the past and always relapsed. Even when she wasn't drinking, everything still revolved all around her and her drama, and I was worried waiting for the next relapse.
It's interesting what your brother did that caused your parents to cut off contact with him. That's pretty much what happened in my situation, too. I've been tolerating her behavior and enabling her for many years now. But when she sent me that last rambling text message basically blaming me for everything, that I realized I couldn't take any more.
I also feel relief not having contact with her. If she remains sober, maybe that will change. Thank you again for helping me.
It's interesting what your brother did that caused your parents to cut off contact with him. That's pretty much what happened in my situation, too. I've been tolerating her behavior and enabling her for many years now. But when she sent me that last rambling text message basically blaming me for everything, that I realized I couldn't take any more.
I also feel relief not having contact with her. If she remains sober, maybe that will change. Thank you again for helping me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Wow, that was a beautiful letter! And from what I've learned in Al-Anon and counseling, it is exactly what my RAH/AH says to me alot and I try my best to abide by his wishes just as I want him to abide by my wishes.
As to the initial post, my lack of enabling comes in the form of not doing anything for my RAH/AH that is a consequence of his drinking. If that makes my house messier, or he doesn't make it to work because I won't drive him, or I have to sleep in another room, etc., then so be it. With the help of my Al-Anon program, I don't get as upset when things go by the wayside because I refuse to enable. My hope is that it gets worse FOR HIM so he comes to him own realization that the alcoholism has to be arrested. He's in a recovery program now, but he relapses and I use the tools I learn in Al-Anon to take care of myself and have no expectations - expections equal disappointment (in my mind anyway).
Good luck to you! Take what you like and leave the rest.
As to the initial post, my lack of enabling comes in the form of not doing anything for my RAH/AH that is a consequence of his drinking. If that makes my house messier, or he doesn't make it to work because I won't drive him, or I have to sleep in another room, etc., then so be it. With the help of my Al-Anon program, I don't get as upset when things go by the wayside because I refuse to enable. My hope is that it gets worse FOR HIM so he comes to him own realization that the alcoholism has to be arrested. He's in a recovery program now, but he relapses and I use the tools I learn in Al-Anon to take care of myself and have no expectations - expections equal disappointment (in my mind anyway).
Good luck to you! Take what you like and leave the rest.
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