Xabf has wedding plans ... I'm a mess again :( !!
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Cowgirl. I agree Acceptance of Reality as It is now is very difficult. And at the same time it is easy if you look at it closely.
I've been reflecting today about my train of thought and how I repeat the same ideas over and over, and I am trying to answer this question to myself
"why is it that i don't accept joy in my life? why do i feel undeserving of it?"
So far I got nothing but I will keep you posted-ah-
Thank you for the compliments ((hugs)). I have moved on from others and others have moved on. The fact he moved on so quickly is what stings the most. I need to untie his actions with my value. Rationally everything is solved, predictable and logical... but I am not sure when my heart will get it? WHEN??
Thanks a lot for your support today.
I've been reflecting today about my train of thought and how I repeat the same ideas over and over, and I am trying to answer this question to myself
"why is it that i don't accept joy in my life? why do i feel undeserving of it?"
So far I got nothing but I will keep you posted-ah-
Thank you for the compliments ((hugs)). I have moved on from others and others have moved on. The fact he moved on so quickly is what stings the most. I need to untie his actions with my value. Rationally everything is solved, predictable and logical... but I am not sure when my heart will get it? WHEN??
Thanks a lot for your support today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi TC
Sorry you are having a bad time, but I second what LTD said...it is indescribable in many ways how much better life is when you let go.
I went back for more for a year until I hit my bottom. Right before that, LTD told me the same thing. I knew she was right, but still could not manage to let go. So, here's what it took. I became so obsessed with what xabf was doing that I completely forgot about my own life. He had me in the palm of his hand. We got back together for a few days when he laid it on me that he had a "friend." I was already losing weight, sleep and my overall health before he told me that. I left town the day after he told me about her. I was a zombie with my friends for the most part, but I wasn't quite done yet. I stressed myself out to the point where I could not eat. I tried, but choked on food each time. I was a rail within a couple of weeks. My bottom hit when I looked in the mirror and was pretty much skin and bones. I was scared I was going to die. I went to therapy that night and cried and told my therapist that I wanted to live and then the hard hard work began again. Within a couple of weeks I turned a corner. Like the fog lifted.
I spent so much time focusing on how he was hurting me, but what I came to realize is that I was the one hurting me. He did nothing I did not allow him to do.
I know having him be in your face everyday must be hard, but your constant focus on him gives him all of your power with nothing left for you.
As for what he's giving the new woman...even if it's the same thing you got, you didn't like it then, so why give him so much of your life now that he is giving likely the same thing to this new women? Even if he's giving her something better, you seem to have something better with your new guy, yet you are still focused on the old one.
I do not agree with your therapist that you take all your past hurts with you. I believe that with a lot of hard work, you can leave them behind you. Dwelling on the past, to me, keeps you stuck and keeps you a victim. What I think you do take forward into new relationships is fear they will turn out to be the same person you were with and that they will hurt you. I know I do that for sure. In truth, someone can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. Fortunately, I am with someone now who is extremely patient with me, so when I do step back to figure it out, he just gives me my space to do that, which is what a healthy relationship should be like.
I hope you can let go and stop focusing on him. It hasn't served you well to this point and probably won't in the future. Along those lines, don't walk by his desk or allow people to talk to you about him. You have a choice here and your choice so far seems to be to allow yourself to be tortured by all of this.
I have been no contact with xabf since February. I used to fear emails and texts from him, which I was still getting up to a few weeks ago. I realized early on that reading anything from him would only hurt me, so I never read them, but they would upset me. Now, I see he sent something, feel nothing, and move on. How would I react if I had to see him? I don't know, but I don't think it would upset me. The new person I am with, oddly, lives in the city a block away from where xabf plays (he's a musician) every week. On that night, because it's the weekend, I'm usually out with the new guy by his house. I no longer even fear running into xabf because that part of my life is over. I don't wish him bad. I truly hope he finds peace and happiness, but I certainly want nothing to do with him and don't care what is happening in his life. I hope you can get to the same place before you give him any more of your life.
HUGS!!!
Sorry you are having a bad time, but I second what LTD said...it is indescribable in many ways how much better life is when you let go.
I went back for more for a year until I hit my bottom. Right before that, LTD told me the same thing. I knew she was right, but still could not manage to let go. So, here's what it took. I became so obsessed with what xabf was doing that I completely forgot about my own life. He had me in the palm of his hand. We got back together for a few days when he laid it on me that he had a "friend." I was already losing weight, sleep and my overall health before he told me that. I left town the day after he told me about her. I was a zombie with my friends for the most part, but I wasn't quite done yet. I stressed myself out to the point where I could not eat. I tried, but choked on food each time. I was a rail within a couple of weeks. My bottom hit when I looked in the mirror and was pretty much skin and bones. I was scared I was going to die. I went to therapy that night and cried and told my therapist that I wanted to live and then the hard hard work began again. Within a couple of weeks I turned a corner. Like the fog lifted.
I spent so much time focusing on how he was hurting me, but what I came to realize is that I was the one hurting me. He did nothing I did not allow him to do.
I know having him be in your face everyday must be hard, but your constant focus on him gives him all of your power with nothing left for you.
As for what he's giving the new woman...even if it's the same thing you got, you didn't like it then, so why give him so much of your life now that he is giving likely the same thing to this new women? Even if he's giving her something better, you seem to have something better with your new guy, yet you are still focused on the old one.
I do not agree with your therapist that you take all your past hurts with you. I believe that with a lot of hard work, you can leave them behind you. Dwelling on the past, to me, keeps you stuck and keeps you a victim. What I think you do take forward into new relationships is fear they will turn out to be the same person you were with and that they will hurt you. I know I do that for sure. In truth, someone can only hurt me as much as I allow them to. Fortunately, I am with someone now who is extremely patient with me, so when I do step back to figure it out, he just gives me my space to do that, which is what a healthy relationship should be like.
I hope you can let go and stop focusing on him. It hasn't served you well to this point and probably won't in the future. Along those lines, don't walk by his desk or allow people to talk to you about him. You have a choice here and your choice so far seems to be to allow yourself to be tortured by all of this.
I have been no contact with xabf since February. I used to fear emails and texts from him, which I was still getting up to a few weeks ago. I realized early on that reading anything from him would only hurt me, so I never read them, but they would upset me. Now, I see he sent something, feel nothing, and move on. How would I react if I had to see him? I don't know, but I don't think it would upset me. The new person I am with, oddly, lives in the city a block away from where xabf plays (he's a musician) every week. On that night, because it's the weekend, I'm usually out with the new guy by his house. I no longer even fear running into xabf because that part of my life is over. I don't wish him bad. I truly hope he finds peace and happiness, but I certainly want nothing to do with him and don't care what is happening in his life. I hope you can get to the same place before you give him any more of your life.
HUGS!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I understand that we work to get to the place where these hurtful things do not effect us and impinge on our life and happiness or our plans.
I do agree with the therapist that the past influences us....we have an ACOA forum for people whose childhood traumas effect every day of their adult lives despite their desire to be free from their past. All of us here are who we are in part due to our pasts.
I see our lives as a whole cloth, integrated. In therapy I thought we were taught to integrate the past into our lives in a healing manner.
In any case, I digress.....we almost always agree here to the best of my knowledge that it is harder to take a front row seat to the drama.
Working with the person and their associates places us closer to the drama whether we want it or not.
It is more challenging.
If we really were islands where none others effected us, we would not benefit from support or need to leave undesirable relationships.
For me, I need to remember not to REACT and stay in touch with myself and my support so that I can ACT according to my best interest as well as I am able to and according to my discernment, which I also trust will grow.
Takingcharge, you have been on a healing journey. I believe the day will come when his actions have little or no personal meaning to you. We do not heal overnight and pure will alone will not direct the soul or heart, it is a path of stepping stones laid one at a time.
I do agree with the therapist that the past influences us....we have an ACOA forum for people whose childhood traumas effect every day of their adult lives despite their desire to be free from their past. All of us here are who we are in part due to our pasts.
I see our lives as a whole cloth, integrated. In therapy I thought we were taught to integrate the past into our lives in a healing manner.
In any case, I digress.....we almost always agree here to the best of my knowledge that it is harder to take a front row seat to the drama.
Working with the person and their associates places us closer to the drama whether we want it or not.
It is more challenging.
If we really were islands where none others effected us, we would not benefit from support or need to leave undesirable relationships.
For me, I need to remember not to REACT and stay in touch with myself and my support so that I can ACT according to my best interest as well as I am able to and according to my discernment, which I also trust will grow.
Takingcharge, you have been on a healing journey. I believe the day will come when his actions have little or no personal meaning to you. We do not heal overnight and pure will alone will not direct the soul or heart, it is a path of stepping stones laid one at a time.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Here's My Two Cents... OK, I mean Two Thousand Dollars...
Hi TC,
I think there are a few things you could focus on that might be helpful so I'll list them here.
First though, I want to tell you that I understand COMPLETELY where you are right now because I have been in the exact same place. And you know that everything is going to be all right, right? You are a strong, competent, beautiful woman who is ready for her future! And THAT is why all of this has happened to you just now.
1. Those co-workers are in DENIAL and they are TOXIC. Not to mention that they are full of $hit. Please stay away from them. Do you draw them back in and talk to them because you want to hurt? I know I have done that many times; wanted to be hurt so that I could feel SOMETHING.
2. The guy you are talking about, who you used to be in a relationship with is SICK. Very sick. Do you understand that? It is like looking at a person with cancer. Addiction (which includes alcoholism) is a progressive, incurable, and fatal disease. So what you are witnessing and hearing about are not anything to compare yourself to.
3. If you are on anti-depressants you should know that no, they are not addictive; they are not that kind of medicine. And yes, when a person has suffered from the trauma you have obviously suffered, the brain needs time and help to recover. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are weak. It's just biology. Many people, when they suffer the kind of trauma many of us have gone through, are more susceptible to later episodes. So, it is okay to rely on medications to help you through. I do. And I have never felt better in my life.
4. I know that remembering the bad times may seem helpful to you when you are going through this kind of thing but I think you have used those tools already, haven't you? I think you need some NEW and IMPROVED tools. Because a lot of the time, remembering negativity and hurt often makes you more negative and hurt. And you get stuck.
So, it's time to stop rehashing all of it and begin again with new understandings. Here are some new ways of looking at a bunch of the stuff you wrote about. Please know that I am not judging you or disagreeing with how you feel. I am just trying to show you how I personally had to change my thinking in order to get through these same things.
He chose to drink because he has a disease that he did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure. He did not choose to drink because of you or because you were not worth it to him to stop.
He did not make you cry. Take ownership of your feelings. No one can make you feel anything. You can choose how you are going to feel about anything.
Yes, he broke his promises to you but I can guarantee you that for every broken promise to you, he broke a thousand promises to himself. He cannot control the disease.
Yes, they do this. This has nothing to do with you or your worth as a girlfriend. This is Denial. They do this to hide the addiction. He cannot accept that he lied because he has to continue to live in denial in order for the addiction to continue.
Yes, they do this too. It's called Blame and Projection. He has to criticize and blame you for the problems in order for the disease to continue. Anyone who places herself in that position will be the target.
This is not his responsibility. This is your responsibility. Only you have the power to make yourself feel better. You can get better feelings by using something external to yourself, like alcohol, drugs, sex, food, parties, etc. But in the end, they are only temporary. Just like the alcohol/drugs are to the addict.
Why are you now so close to him that it is tearing open your old wounds? Is there any way to get away from him? Do you want the old wounds to be open and hurting?
Why would someone else's life hurt your ego? Is it because you feel he has chosen someone else over you? Doing this would cause (and HAS caused) my self-esteem to plummet. Once your self-esteem has plummeted, it is VERY difficult to raise it again. Do you know how to raise your own self-esteem purposefully and mindfully? If not, I can tell you how if you want to know.
Also, please trust me when I tell you that an alcoholic or addicted life is in no way, shape, or form easy.
Do you find it at all disgusting that after one week, he is out sleeping around? How sad.
Everything seems so smooth for him because THIS is the way you think. Please understand and accept that he is not living on easy street. Things are rarely what they appear to be with alcoholism and addiction.
Yes, again, it seems this way. This is not reality. We attribute happiness and love with a man and a relationship and it's a dream baby. Just a dream. There is so much more happiness and love out there.
Did you really let that joy go away or did reality smack you in the face so many times that your face turned black and blue?
OK, yes, you made me laugh with this one because you are so cute! Honey, he did not erase you. You are a full-grown, lovely, beautiful, kind human being with a big heart. You are not erasable! This is just how you think. Ya' gotta' start stopping yourself EVERY time you think this way.
He did not choose drink over what you two had. He did not choose drink over you. He did not choose drink to hurt you. He chose drink because he is a very sick man with an insidious disease.
This is very difficult, isn't it? You keep trying and he just keeps popping up everywhere and flattening you, right? If you want to let go of him, you're going to have to change the way you see things and the way you think. It is very easy and it is very helpful to do this.
Everything was real TC. ALL of it.
TC, it is very difficult to forget the good times when you are remembering the bad times. Please try to get to the point where, instead of remembering ANY of it, you change your understanding of that person, your understanding of yourself, and your understanding of what you have gone through.
Yes, the future is up to you. Your future.
Yes, you have moved forward. You are very different today than you were yesterday. If you feel yourself moving backward, you just need a new way of looking at things. I don't think your new boyfriend can give this to you.
TC, sweetie, do you get yourself or care about yourself?
I think there are a few things you could focus on that might be helpful so I'll list them here.
First though, I want to tell you that I understand COMPLETELY where you are right now because I have been in the exact same place. And you know that everything is going to be all right, right? You are a strong, competent, beautiful woman who is ready for her future! And THAT is why all of this has happened to you just now.
1. Those co-workers are in DENIAL and they are TOXIC. Not to mention that they are full of $hit. Please stay away from them. Do you draw them back in and talk to them because you want to hurt? I know I have done that many times; wanted to be hurt so that I could feel SOMETHING.
2. The guy you are talking about, who you used to be in a relationship with is SICK. Very sick. Do you understand that? It is like looking at a person with cancer. Addiction (which includes alcoholism) is a progressive, incurable, and fatal disease. So what you are witnessing and hearing about are not anything to compare yourself to.
3. If you are on anti-depressants you should know that no, they are not addictive; they are not that kind of medicine. And yes, when a person has suffered from the trauma you have obviously suffered, the brain needs time and help to recover. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are weak. It's just biology. Many people, when they suffer the kind of trauma many of us have gone through, are more susceptible to later episodes. So, it is okay to rely on medications to help you through. I do. And I have never felt better in my life.
4. I know that remembering the bad times may seem helpful to you when you are going through this kind of thing but I think you have used those tools already, haven't you? I think you need some NEW and IMPROVED tools. Because a lot of the time, remembering negativity and hurt often makes you more negative and hurt. And you get stuck.
So, it's time to stop rehashing all of it and begin again with new understandings. Here are some new ways of looking at a bunch of the stuff you wrote about. Please know that I am not judging you or disagreeing with how you feel. I am just trying to show you how I personally had to change my thinking in order to get through these same things.
For all the times he could have avoided a drink, he chose to drink.
He made me cry and made empty promises he ALWAYS broke.
Yes, he broke his promises to you but I can guarantee you that for every broken promise to you, he broke a thousand promises to himself. He cannot control the disease.
He lied and he lied by omission. He never accepted he had lied.
He criticized me and told everyone I had issues and that is why he broke up with me.
He could have said or written stuff to make me feel better. He did not.
What stinks for me is how close he is. All the times I have been away I have healed faster. This constant wound reopening has been the worst experience I've had.
It hurts my ego to know how easy it has been for him, you know? One thing is to break up and then after some time hear they are with someone else and marrying...
Also, please trust me when I tell you that an alcoholic or addicted life is in no way, shape, or form easy.
With this one I know he mourned one week, then I ran into him at odd places in the morning and I knew he had not slept at home. He arrived with the same clothes next day smiling. skating all this time having a great year. why does everything seem so smooth for him?
Everything seems so smooth for him because THIS is the way you think. Please understand and accept that he is not living on easy street. Things are rarely what they appear to be with alcoholism and addiction.
It seems he is happy and very much in love
I wonder why I let that joy go away.
It is painful at this moment to think someone can erase me just like that. Do they sell those erasers at wal mart?
And that perhaps its true - and he could have cut down on drinking anytime. And he chose not to even when it hurt me. And he chose drink over what we had. Over me.
I need to let go of him.
It kills me not to know if anything was real at all.
I am struggling not to remember the good times. I need to remember his worst moments
And the future is not up to me.
I thought I had moved forward but now I see I am not there yet.. at all..
I am trying to reach out to people that get me or care about ME.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from TC999: The fact he moved on so quickly is what stings the most.
He hasn't really "moved on", just grabbed someone else too quickly for you to handle. Moving on, at least for me, means getting away from old ways, learning something new, changing myself for the better, upgrading my life.
How has he "moved on"? Getting into a new relationship so fast, and coming into work sober for a few days don't really cut it.
If his new girl is a hard drinker, would you call that a life upgrade for an alcoholic?
Popping up in front of you and being all "WOW, look at Me", means what exactly?
Posting on FB is of great importance to whom?
As has been said before, his future actions will prove or disprove his words. Either he has seen the light or he hasn't, either he will succeed in sobriety and recovery and maybe go elsewhere for a newstart or go splatt again and get fired at last.
Whichever it is to be, you won't be with him.
I know it is so very hard having to work in the same place as him, and having co-workers in your face really sucks bigtime. Can I suggest when that happens again, you just grit you teeth, smile and say "that's good", get back to your job at hand and let them stand there. If they persist, keep working and mumble, "uhm" or "oh", then get up and go somewhere else for a while. Eventually they get the message.
When you begin thinking about him, try saying to yourself, "loser, get out of my head", and repeat til he goes away.
If nothing works, you may have to leave for a job elsewhere.
God bless
He hasn't really "moved on", just grabbed someone else too quickly for you to handle. Moving on, at least for me, means getting away from old ways, learning something new, changing myself for the better, upgrading my life.
How has he "moved on"? Getting into a new relationship so fast, and coming into work sober for a few days don't really cut it.
If his new girl is a hard drinker, would you call that a life upgrade for an alcoholic?
Popping up in front of you and being all "WOW, look at Me", means what exactly?
Posting on FB is of great importance to whom?
As has been said before, his future actions will prove or disprove his words. Either he has seen the light or he hasn't, either he will succeed in sobriety and recovery and maybe go elsewhere for a newstart or go splatt again and get fired at last.
Whichever it is to be, you won't be with him.
I know it is so very hard having to work in the same place as him, and having co-workers in your face really sucks bigtime. Can I suggest when that happens again, you just grit you teeth, smile and say "that's good", get back to your job at hand and let them stand there. If they persist, keep working and mumble, "uhm" or "oh", then get up and go somewhere else for a while. Eventually they get the message.
When you begin thinking about him, try saying to yourself, "loser, get out of my head", and repeat til he goes away.
If nothing works, you may have to leave for a job elsewhere.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you everyone for this thread. I need those kicks in the a$$, gentle reminders and most of us the hope there is something better and its UP TO ME.
NYC Chick, I get you, I feel so angry I let myself down breaking no contact. I could have left the place or asked the guys to change the topic but no! I stayed and heard. It was so fast but I could have said something, instead I enganged.. By now I know nothing I ever hear will make me feel better. As LTD says I still think I can win.
And I agree letting go is the best thing... I have started to feel that freedom these last months and starting to get excited about my life. I feel like an alcoholic that relapsed, and what for, just for more pain, there is nothing, there never was and there never will. WTF.
I feel very angry with myself mostly but I also know there are more things going on that what meets the eye for me to react so strongly... so hopefully this was a way for me to get more of my trash out and stop carrying it...
liveweyerd, thank you for all your compassionate posts and this one as well... I kind of agree with the idea one has to heal in order to give something in a relation... but I also see it as my job, I cannot know everything prior to calling a customer and solve his problem... I do what I can with what I know so far and I also learn tons of new things.. and make new mistakes.
In any case I believe honesty is the best policy and NYC Chick is totally right, I got someting better and different out of the blue and it is unfair to bring my trash. I am angry I was starting to get excited and yet instead of taking the path towards the rainbow I go back to the crocodiles?? what's wrong with me?
I have focused on me and new ppl around me before an addict entered my life and I can do it again.... thank you for giving me that hope.
L2L thank you for all your time... I agree .. in short, LOL
And the answer to the last question is c) NONE of the above.
Ugh L2L, a while ago I felt stronger and ready to move on with my life, then they got him on one of my projects and we had to interact several days... I got really anxious... then I asked around if someone knew a place for rent and a 3rd party that does not know the story told me ex was moving away with gf to a new place and if I wanted that room LOL.... yes it is a small city here.
Some days ago I passed by his place and saw a pic of them... and these days I saw two coworkers smoking while I arrived to the office and made small talk... then the forbidden subject came up and yup, all this time when he is around or his friends are around I avoid them like the plague in whichever way I can, but this time I stayed...
then he is working with the coworker next to me so I overhear them often and if I am in a conference myself I can't leave or put on headphones... this is just the nature of our job.
That is why I say I have been closer but again I will try to put as much distance as I can.... just for today.
Thank you for the 3 C's reminder. You are totally right. I need to understand that is what they do. This helps me put some distance.
And I agree new bf has nothing to do with my recovery, it seems ppl tend to think new partners are the key to solve any issues in the past but I know its an internal job, he is just a motivation/inspiration and support and for now he has acted like a real friend.
I have felt I am going insane. I wish you luck and I will be in the Mental disorders forum..... (great forum btw!!)
For tonight I feel overloaded with ideas and I am asking HP to give me clarity and strength and PLEASE take me to a place where I can heal. I was thinking on my way home I may look for another job. OR I may use my lack of interest in human activities to be a full time geek and obtain as many certifications as I can so I can ask for another job somewhere else. Although that would mean breaking up with bf....
So many things floating...for now... I will try to sleep. Thank you all for your invaluable support,ESH and faith in me (((HUGS))))
NYC Chick, I get you, I feel so angry I let myself down breaking no contact. I could have left the place or asked the guys to change the topic but no! I stayed and heard. It was so fast but I could have said something, instead I enganged.. By now I know nothing I ever hear will make me feel better. As LTD says I still think I can win.
And I agree letting go is the best thing... I have started to feel that freedom these last months and starting to get excited about my life. I feel like an alcoholic that relapsed, and what for, just for more pain, there is nothing, there never was and there never will. WTF.
I feel very angry with myself mostly but I also know there are more things going on that what meets the eye for me to react so strongly... so hopefully this was a way for me to get more of my trash out and stop carrying it...
liveweyerd, thank you for all your compassionate posts and this one as well... I kind of agree with the idea one has to heal in order to give something in a relation... but I also see it as my job, I cannot know everything prior to calling a customer and solve his problem... I do what I can with what I know so far and I also learn tons of new things.. and make new mistakes.
In any case I believe honesty is the best policy and NYC Chick is totally right, I got someting better and different out of the blue and it is unfair to bring my trash. I am angry I was starting to get excited and yet instead of taking the path towards the rainbow I go back to the crocodiles?? what's wrong with me?
I have focused on me and new ppl around me before an addict entered my life and I can do it again.... thank you for giving me that hope.
L2L thank you for all your time... I agree .. in short, LOL
And the answer to the last question is c) NONE of the above.
Ugh L2L, a while ago I felt stronger and ready to move on with my life, then they got him on one of my projects and we had to interact several days... I got really anxious... then I asked around if someone knew a place for rent and a 3rd party that does not know the story told me ex was moving away with gf to a new place and if I wanted that room LOL.... yes it is a small city here.
Some days ago I passed by his place and saw a pic of them... and these days I saw two coworkers smoking while I arrived to the office and made small talk... then the forbidden subject came up and yup, all this time when he is around or his friends are around I avoid them like the plague in whichever way I can, but this time I stayed...
then he is working with the coworker next to me so I overhear them often and if I am in a conference myself I can't leave or put on headphones... this is just the nature of our job.
That is why I say I have been closer but again I will try to put as much distance as I can.... just for today.
Thank you for the 3 C's reminder. You are totally right. I need to understand that is what they do. This helps me put some distance.
And I agree new bf has nothing to do with my recovery, it seems ppl tend to think new partners are the key to solve any issues in the past but I know its an internal job, he is just a motivation/inspiration and support and for now he has acted like a real friend.
I have felt I am going insane. I wish you luck and I will be in the Mental disorders forum..... (great forum btw!!)
For tonight I feel overloaded with ideas and I am asking HP to give me clarity and strength and PLEASE take me to a place where I can heal. I was thinking on my way home I may look for another job. OR I may use my lack of interest in human activities to be a full time geek and obtain as many certifications as I can so I can ask for another job somewhere else. Although that would mean breaking up with bf....
So many things floating...for now... I will try to sleep. Thank you all for your invaluable support,ESH and faith in me (((HUGS))))
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
TC, thanks for the reply.
Gotta' work on those things baby!
You sound like you're doing so much better than the other night. WHEW! (I was a little worried there.) I see your mind probably goes a million miles a minute; I'm the same way. I am constantly doing something, anything, to keep my mind occupied.
New job sounds like a great idea!!! Get as far away from that butthead as possible! He sounds like a creep!
the answer to the last question is c) NONE of the above.
You sound like you're doing so much better than the other night. WHEW! (I was a little worried there.) I see your mind probably goes a million miles a minute; I'm the same way. I am constantly doing something, anything, to keep my mind occupied.
New job sounds like a great idea!!! Get as far away from that butthead as possible! He sounds like a creep!
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks L2L. I just had one year here and have been one year sharp in my other two jobs, but well, maybe just to know I may have other options? perhaps there is a reason I am not settling here... although if I am honest I like my job and if I end up somewhere else I don't like as much it would be like something else I lose due to a drunk, you know? the only thing I have for sure here...
I need to take my decisions based on ME... ah, we will see
I went to a mesotherapy session and I have lost 3.5 kilos... that cheered me up, L2L, LOL. The doc said why don't I look into buying a HOUSE? I don't think I would be able but I will try to find out... and that would mean making a decision to stay here and marry with this job and this city and finally realize my decisions got consequences too and I'd better deal with them and TAKE CHARGE, DUH!!
Enough now... ((thanks))
I need to take my decisions based on ME... ah, we will see
I went to a mesotherapy session and I have lost 3.5 kilos... that cheered me up, L2L, LOL. The doc said why don't I look into buying a HOUSE? I don't think I would be able but I will try to find out... and that would mean making a decision to stay here and marry with this job and this city and finally realize my decisions got consequences too and I'd better deal with them and TAKE CHARGE, DUH!!
Enough now... ((thanks))
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Also LTD I think that yes, even letting go in exchange for peace... I am just clinging for nothing, what's the use to stare at a closed door forever?
I reread what Cowgirl said (and the whole thread over and over again) and yes, I just won't talk to them anymore. "Toxic material". I had done that before and it was beautiful. Can't wait to let those comments pass again and go back to my new path, may have less people but is much better and peaceful.... now if I would not get in the way, lol
I reread what Cowgirl said (and the whole thread over and over again) and yes, I just won't talk to them anymore. "Toxic material". I had done that before and it was beautiful. Can't wait to let those comments pass again and go back to my new path, may have less people but is much better and peaceful.... now if I would not get in the way, lol
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart
This would have been, like THE WORSE NEWS ever, thinking he is great again and commiting with someone else and yet I'm here patting the cat and writing LOLs.
I was hurt by the comments about "he moved on" but NOW I get them, he moved on and that is something to celebrate because I can be free from further hurt and he will do what he does just not with me. What is there to miss? not much.... mmmmhhmm...let's think hard... Eggshells?
I needed to hear it was all real. Thank you. Here is where I feel my voice is heard...
This would have been, like THE WORSE NEWS ever, thinking he is great again and commiting with someone else and yet I'm here patting the cat and writing LOLs.
I was hurt by the comments about "he moved on" but NOW I get them, he moved on and that is something to celebrate because I can be free from further hurt and he will do what he does just not with me. What is there to miss? not much.... mmmmhhmm...let's think hard... Eggshells?
I needed to hear it was all real. Thank you. Here is where I feel my voice is heard...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Jadmack!! sorry I had not seen your post before. I believe we were posting at the same time.
I loved the "oh" response. I will try it if somehow I can't leave right away from unnecessary comments....
I got to remember God has other plans for me... and good things are coming.
wanting I'm glad this helped you too ((hugs))
I loved the "oh" response. I will try it if somehow I can't leave right away from unnecessary comments....
I got to remember God has other plans for me... and good things are coming.
wanting I'm glad this helped you too ((hugs))
Ohhhhhh.......now I get it....
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 46
When I read your post I though of a "Recovery Tip Of The Month" by Toby Rice Drews on Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications.
I hope I'm allowed to post this...........
December, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
a. Not all the time of course------but MOST of the time------ when a later-stage alcoholic leaves his/her spouse-----and "finds" a "new person" that he/she claims is "all wonderful"------ that ALMOST ALWAYS means he has found a new person WHO NOT ONLY WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS DRINKING-----BUT WHO WILL DRINK ALCOHOLICALLY WITH HIM.
b. Now------ how does that usually "play out"?
1. They both try to "present to the world" that they are the happiest//sexiest//most compatible//most intimate------- "couple" that ever was.
2. The truth? Behind the scenes-------if he was doing mental abuse to you------- he will continue mental abuse to her too--------BUT IN PROBABLY A DIFFERENT FORM.
If you liked silence, he talked all the time, following you and not even letting you sleep.
If SHE likes talking and can't stand silence--------he's gives her the silent treatment.
3. The truth? MOST relationships like that (where both are alcoholic), end up with some kind of physical violence.
Why? Both have their left frontal lobes of their brains chronically toxic. That means their judgment of reality is skewed------------AND they either lack or greatly lost their "internal stop signs"-------those 'stop signs' that normal people act on, where they don't act out physically, even if they feel like it.
4. Women alcoholics "get sicker quicker than men". If a woman alcoholic is 35 years old, her alcoholism is as advanced as a man around 50. If you add 12-15-18 years to the actual age of a woman------ and if the woman is alcoholic, her disease progresses MUCH faster than does a male alcoholic.
5. He will probably get tired of her----------much quicker than one can imagine.
Almost EVERYONE I tell this------says to me, "oh no Toby! He'll never get tired of her!"
Well-------he may even marry her------but the chances are, that he will divorce her------------and then come back to you and knock on your door and say, "hi babe! how ya doing?" -------as if he never left.
THAT is what I was writing about when I wrote in "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, "it's hard to lose an alcoholic".
c. I do realize that it is SO hard to fathom that "this" alcoholic (yours) will come back......and drop that woman in a heartbeat.
Almost everyone says, "well, it's been months now-------or a year or more"........... etc etc............ but give it time.
In my professional experience (over 30 years of training counselors and writing the "Getting Them Sober" books and helping families through this awfulness--------- more than 95% of them have returned.
If you want them.
(They have 'radar'-------- they usually wait until you have just about given up all hope OR INTEREST in them coming back.........and then comes the proverbial knock on the door.)
Now------- there will be some people who say, "well, MINE never came back."
Yes, it is not 100%. But it sure is close to that.
c. Now------why is this important to know all this? Because it takes away much of the panic that we naturally feel when first abandoned. In the first weeks//months after he left it is NORMAL to obsess and feel awful. And this knowledge DOES help to calm down to some degree-----knowing that "she" is a temporary "animal comfort" in his life.
The more we can know facts like this---the faster our healing.
I hope I'm allowed to post this...........
December, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
a. Not all the time of course------but MOST of the time------ when a later-stage alcoholic leaves his/her spouse-----and "finds" a "new person" that he/she claims is "all wonderful"------ that ALMOST ALWAYS means he has found a new person WHO NOT ONLY WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS DRINKING-----BUT WHO WILL DRINK ALCOHOLICALLY WITH HIM.
b. Now------ how does that usually "play out"?
1. They both try to "present to the world" that they are the happiest//sexiest//most compatible//most intimate------- "couple" that ever was.
2. The truth? Behind the scenes-------if he was doing mental abuse to you------- he will continue mental abuse to her too--------BUT IN PROBABLY A DIFFERENT FORM.
If you liked silence, he talked all the time, following you and not even letting you sleep.
If SHE likes talking and can't stand silence--------he's gives her the silent treatment.
3. The truth? MOST relationships like that (where both are alcoholic), end up with some kind of physical violence.
Why? Both have their left frontal lobes of their brains chronically toxic. That means their judgment of reality is skewed------------AND they either lack or greatly lost their "internal stop signs"-------those 'stop signs' that normal people act on, where they don't act out physically, even if they feel like it.
4. Women alcoholics "get sicker quicker than men". If a woman alcoholic is 35 years old, her alcoholism is as advanced as a man around 50. If you add 12-15-18 years to the actual age of a woman------ and if the woman is alcoholic, her disease progresses MUCH faster than does a male alcoholic.
5. He will probably get tired of her----------much quicker than one can imagine.
Almost EVERYONE I tell this------says to me, "oh no Toby! He'll never get tired of her!"
Well-------he may even marry her------but the chances are, that he will divorce her------------and then come back to you and knock on your door and say, "hi babe! how ya doing?" -------as if he never left.
THAT is what I was writing about when I wrote in "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, "it's hard to lose an alcoholic".
c. I do realize that it is SO hard to fathom that "this" alcoholic (yours) will come back......and drop that woman in a heartbeat.
Almost everyone says, "well, it's been months now-------or a year or more"........... etc etc............ but give it time.
In my professional experience (over 30 years of training counselors and writing the "Getting Them Sober" books and helping families through this awfulness--------- more than 95% of them have returned.
If you want them.
(They have 'radar'-------- they usually wait until you have just about given up all hope OR INTEREST in them coming back.........and then comes the proverbial knock on the door.)
Now------- there will be some people who say, "well, MINE never came back."
Yes, it is not 100%. But it sure is close to that.
c. Now------why is this important to know all this? Because it takes away much of the panic that we naturally feel when first abandoned. In the first weeks//months after he left it is NORMAL to obsess and feel awful. And this knowledge DOES help to calm down to some degree-----knowing that "she" is a temporary "animal comfort" in his life.
The more we can know facts like this---the faster our healing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
TC, one of the things about you for which I am grateful is your way to work through your feelings in writing, so we can see you thinking, feeling, considering, learning...you are honest and amazing and so very, very real. I appreciate also how you are so open and you don't seem to have any defensiveness at all with people, you just take everything in and you use what works for you and pass by the rest without any rancor or divisiveness.
You are doing some fantastic work right now, I just wanted to applaud you for your hard work on this. You are doing wonderfully well!
THANK you for being you. Its a joy to watch you walk this path.
You are doing some fantastic work right now, I just wanted to applaud you for your hard work on this. You are doing wonderfully well!
THANK you for being you. Its a joy to watch you walk this path.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Justtakestime,
Wow. Textbook. Thank you. BTW your icon rules!
Thank you ((Cowgirl))
You have that impression because you have not read my first 1500 posts the more I compare what is talked about here and real life, the more I know everyone here says the truth and in reality there is nothing new or special about these sad diseases and sick obsessions.
Someone said he was not actively working a program and me neither nowadays, so I am more motivated to add formality to my recovery as now it is obvious to me I need to reinforce the ideas that help me feel better and describe reality not fantasy. For me. Otherwise I am a quacker and no siree I refuse to be put in the same bucket
Wow. Textbook. Thank you. BTW your icon rules!
Thank you ((Cowgirl))
You have that impression because you have not read my first 1500 posts
the more I compare what is talked about here and real life, the more I know everyone here says the truth and in reality there is nothing new or special about these sad diseases and sick obsessions.Someone said he was not actively working a program and me neither nowadays, so I am more motivated to add formality to my recovery as now it is obvious to me I need to reinforce the ideas that help me feel better and describe reality not fantasy. For me. Otherwise I am a quacker and no siree I refuse to be put in the same bucket
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Wow what an awesome thread! It brought back so many memories of where I was a year ago. The fetal position on the floor and searing pain throughout my body when I found out my exAH had moved on to someone else in two weeks.
I felt exactly what you felt. But you know what, it's been worth it so I can be where I am today. I had to go thru all that pain and soul searching to clear out the past to give myself room for all the joy that my life holds for me today.
Today, I carry no anger, resentment or hate towards my x. My divorce became final a week or so ago. I have loving supportive friends, my yoga and meditation, a new man in my life, a wonderful job, a tranquil home, financial security, so many many things to be grateful for. Most of all I have myself, open, honest and oh so FREE.
You are doing some fabulous work here and it will be so worth it. Thank you for posting your journey, we can all learn from your sharing. Huge hugs - K
I felt exactly what you felt. But you know what, it's been worth it so I can be where I am today. I had to go thru all that pain and soul searching to clear out the past to give myself room for all the joy that my life holds for me today.
Today, I carry no anger, resentment or hate towards my x. My divorce became final a week or so ago. I have loving supportive friends, my yoga and meditation, a new man in my life, a wonderful job, a tranquil home, financial security, so many many things to be grateful for. Most of all I have myself, open, honest and oh so FREE.
You are doing some fabulous work here and it will be so worth it. Thank you for posting your journey, we can all learn from your sharing. Huge hugs - K
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
My input doesn't relate to alcoholics, just letting go in general. I dated a guy for 8 years - we bought a house together, the whole nine yards. After a few years we ended up at odds over getting married. I was in my early thirties, and wanted to get married, he could never commit. So I set a deadline, it passed, and he moved out. He moped around town, telling everyone how heartbroken he was. I was shaken for a good long while. Long story short, he got married a couple of years later. A few years later he moved 7 houses down from me Can you believe that?
But I did get over him, and now I can look back on it, knowing that I was true to myself and what I wanted, and it was never going to resolve itself without me ending it.
So there's hope, there are happy days ahead for you. Big losses take time to get over.
But I did get over him, and now I can look back on it, knowing that I was true to myself and what I wanted, and it was never going to resolve itself without me ending it.
So there's hope, there are happy days ahead for you. Big losses take time to get over.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I completely understand where you are. In our minds they are the broken ones. They are the alcoholics, the ones that treated us so bad. Why do they get 'happiness'? In my case, why am I the one completely alone since he left 15 months ago? Those are questions I ask every single minute.
I keep telling myself nothing is different in their relationship. It may take awhile to for the honeymoon phase to wear off but it will. In my situation the gf is such a spineless twit that she gives him her meds and also buys him any sort of alcohol he wants. Of course its all mixed in with "i love you honey's" Uggghhh....yuck.
I keep telling myself nothing is different in their relationship. It may take awhile to for the honeymoon phase to wear off but it will. In my situation the gf is such a spineless twit that she gives him her meds and also buys him any sort of alcohol he wants. Of course its all mixed in with "i love you honey's" Uggghhh....yuck.
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