LaTeeDa

I was told yesterday in another thread that “children should not be gifts, I should be their gift.” So, I’ve decided to start a thread for parents to share why our children are gifts.

Today is my daughter’s 17th birthday. She is my oldest. Seventeen years ago today, when I held that precious little baby in my arms for the first time, and looked in her eyes for the first time, I knew that I had never experienced true love until that moment. And I was fortunate to have that experience a second time, when my son was born.

Once, when I was pregnant with her, a friend told me that children are the source of the highest highs and the lowest lows you will ever experience. Those words have turned out to be truer than I ever could have imagined at the time.

Because of my children, I have experienced a breadth and depth of emotion in my life that I would have never thought possible prior to becoming a mother. They teach me important things about myself and life every day.Someone else in the other thread mentioned that most reasons people have children are selfish. Isn't it ironic how we do something for selfish reasons and it turns out to teach us how to be selfless?

Could I have picked a better father? Possibly. Could I have gotten them out of the chaos sooner than I did? Probably. But, if I had it all to do over again, I have to say there is not much I would change. Plus, ruminating about the past is just about the biggest waste of time I can think of. I believe that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should and I, and they, are exactly where we should be right now. And that all things that have happened in our lives have happened for a reason.

I will not defend my choice to have children with a less than perfect man. But, I will defend my choice of words in expressing my gratitude for my children. They truly are the greatest gifts I have ever been given and they are loved more than words can convey, by BOTH of their imperfect parents.

L

Cowgirl1265

Its funny, LTD, I always knew I wanted to have children but I didn't count it as the most important thing I would do in life -- until I had them, that is. I know exactly what you mean about that first gaze into the eyes of your child. It is one of the most important moments in our lifetime, isn't it?

Being a mother changed who I am on a cellular level. I love my career job, I am good at what I do, I have friends and other family members who are important to me -- but being Mom to my kids is my number one job, my favorite job, and my children are my favorite people in the world.

Happy birthday to your daughter!

miss communicat

My daughter is definitely a gift from God. Sometimes the gift is simply the fact that she stretches me from the inside out, to open and to understand another person because I can be very self centered, and at other times, she shows me such joy by her discoveries of things in life that bring her joy. She's an adult now (29) and is mainly struggling with her own life issues, but I have the added gift of having her in my life and the chance to help her. She and I talk and visit daily. She eats 3 meals a day, takes care of her health and is alive. That is a gift, considering that, 2 years ago she was sleeping in hallways, homeless in a city far away from home.

Thanks for this thread. much appreciated.

sunshine1980

edit. nvm. this is probably not the right thread to share my thoughts.

wanting

I guess they're not meant to be gifts, but they are gifts nonetheless. There are so many things I could say about how my kids are gifts, but one example from last night is that my 10yo is so able to say when she wants love and attention that it blows me away. I was never like that at her age and even in my adult life. It inspires me to ask for what I want, even love and attention, and even where there's the possibility of rejection. And it inspires me to try to have people in my life who can respond to requests like that. And it inspires me to give my kids all the love and attention they can handle.

soulsurvivor

my son and I have a little saying we do everynite....
I love you..
I love you too..
thanks 4 being my best friend...
thanks 4 being my best friend too..
Thank you for being my baby..
and he says.. your welcome..

he is diffently my world.. althought it scares me in that I know i could not live on this earth if anything happed to him...

soulsurvivor

I LOVE THIS STORY.. TO ALL US MOMS...

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that
she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should
have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my
tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more
spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to
decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn
in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will
heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw
that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she
will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had
been MY child?"

That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when
she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could
be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think
that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her
to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent
call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal
without a moments hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has
invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by
motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be
going into an important business meeting and she will think of her
baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to
keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be
routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room
rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children,
issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against
the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess
herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I
want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of
pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once
she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her
offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to
accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will
become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband
will change, and not in the way she thinks. I wish she could
understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the
baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know
that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now
find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she willfeel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your
child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a
baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed
in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached
across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer
for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their
way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends
who may someday be Moms. May you always have in your arms the one who
is in your heart.

LaTeeDa

Even though this thread is making me tear up, I had to LOL at this. So true!

That was a great story. Thanks.

L

nodaybut2day

What a wonderful thread reminding us of the joys of children.

I didn't birth him, but I raised my stepson and everyday, I'm thankful that he is in my life and my daughter's life. I made a point to tell him this word for word last night.

As for my baby girl, words can't describe how much she changed me. Growing her inside me changed me. Birthing her for 20 hours med-free changed me. Nursing her since birth has changed me. I have been taught an entirely different realm of emotion because of her arrival in my life. Everyday, when I wear her in the babycarrrier, kiss her head, hold her even closer and breathe in her smell, I am calmed, quieted and reminded of how she has given me purpose, understanding and strength to fight for her and myself.

I sometimes wish I hadn't had her with her father, and that I could offer her the gift of a "traditional mom-dad family" but then, she wouldn't be who she is, and I love who she is and is growing into. So, it was a "necessary evil" that birthed a lovely miracle.

soulsurvivor

MY son is 6 so this restroom part is big for me.. when he insists on going into the guys.. i go in and look if anyone is in there first.. I dont let him go if anyone is in there. then i tell him he has 60 seconds and I"M COMING IN..

I cant read this without bawling.. its so true.. i have felt so Raw and vunerable... since the day he was born.. at the same time this FIERCE Lioness, i never knew was inside me has come out at times... and its a STRENGTH,, i never knew i had as well..

Still Waters

I have a teenager.

hello-kitty

My child is a gift from God. My child saved my life. But I gave my child his life so I suppose we are even. ;-)

My son's father is an addict. He disappeared from my sons life when he was 5 months old. Then reappeared when he was 3 1/2. Then disappeared when he turned 4. I tell my son I will never leave him. I teach him about making choices. I try to be the best mother I can be so that when my son grows up he will know that he is loved. And that he doesn't need to repeat his fathers poor choices.

I am learning that not everyone can handle the responsibility of being a parent. Addicts and non-addicts alike. There is no reason for a father to desert a 4 year old little boy who worships him. But there is nothing I can do about that. Except protect my little boy from his fathers comings and goings. I try to accept that it's better if he's just gone.

I just try every day to live up to the challenge of being a mother. To be the best parent I can be. I want to give my son every opportunity to grow up and be the man his father couldn't be because of his problem.

When my son asks where daddy is I tell him the truth - I don't know honey. You daddy is sick. His sickness causes him to make bad choices. Maybe someday he will get better and start making good choices again. But I am here to teach you and take care of you. I love you always. I will never leave you.

My son is going to be a great man some day and I am so glad I will get to see it.

That is beautiful and I feel the same way. My son does too. I love you mama. I love you too baby.

BlarneyStone

Thank you for posting this thread. It's really given me pause to ponder how lucky I am to have three wonderful, healthy sons. I do indeed believe children are gifts. Even during these tumultuous teenage years, I love watching the wonderful young men they are becoming. I was not so fortunate in the parenting department. Both my divorced parents are absent from my life, therefore they are missing out on watching my sons grow into the fine men they've become. Their choice, not mine. They are also missing out on watching their youngest daughter (and son in law) raise these beautiful children-their grandsons. Oh well, their loss. In spite of them, I have been blessed with such profound love, and yes "gifts" that I thank God everyday for these three blessings. Let us look out the windshield and not the rear view mirror.

Daisy09

I can't even begin to put in to words what my babies (4 & 6) mean to me. They are the absolute epitome of everything that is right with this world, they are the kindest, sweetest, most loving and open people I have ever encountered in my life, and I thank whatever greater force there might be in this universe every single day for allowing me to share their life adventure with them

:ghug3 Thanks for this thread!

Astro

I share often about my children on SR, they're my pride and joy, the treasures of my life, my relationship with them is the greatest gift I've received in recovery. I've learned not to take that relationship for granted, for when I did, I came close to giving it all away.

My son is 14, freshman in high school and boy does he show it. All mouth, lots of attitude, and way too much entitlement. But it seems like just yesterday he was that newborn infant, curled up in an oxygen tent in the hospital with a needle in his head, his lungs were filled with fluid at birth so it was a few of the longest days of our lives before we took him home.

My daughter's 12th birthday is tomorrow, she wants a turtle and Daddy can't say no to his little girl She's a social butterfly at school, but when she's at home she just likes hanging out and being a family together. I wish she'd never grow up, but at the same time it's an amazing experience to watch her blossom.

Do I wish life had gone differently? I've shared on these forums that I've broken both their noses, playing too rough when I was "out there" at the hands of alcohol. I've dropped my son on his face, it cut and bruised him up pretty badly. Yeah, I wish those things had never happened, but I can't change the past, all I can do is to make sure that I'm the best father I'm capable of being for the rest of my life, and to stay clean and sober. I wish their mother would find recovery from codepency. God willing, maybe she will someday. But she's done a damn good job of raising them in spite of what I might self-righteously think her shortcomings are.

Thanks for this thread LTD, and you really said it perfectly.....

if I had it all to do over again, I have to say there is not much I would change. Plus, ruminating about the past is just about the biggest waste of time I can think of. I believe that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should and I, and they, are exactly where we should be right now. And that all things that have happened in our lives have happened for a reason.

I also like what Kahlil Gibran shares in The Prophet about children......

Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Chrysalis123

What a wonderful thread to read today.

My children are precious gifts. I could go on and on but others have written so eloquently.

I was with a person that lost a child and witnessed the bottomless grief and agony..... at that moment I saw what a priceless irreplaceable gift that person had been given in the life of that child.

We can plant the seed, water it, fertilize it, weed it, but the one thing we cannot do is make the seed come alive. I believe all life is a gift from my HP.

LaTeeDa

I love The Prophet and the passage about children is my favorite. If anyone is interested, the whole thing is available to read online here:

Gibran Khalil Gibran

L

gerryP

I love that Soulsurvivor...

My 4 yr. old niece and I have a similar thing going.

I tell her I love her and she says, "Love you more..." (or vice versa) and then follows, "Stuck together like glue forever"

freya

Well, actually they are gifts -- but I guess I kind of see it also as that they are gifts on loan only......on loan from God and very, very valuable to God.

And like they say in the Spiderman movies: From those to whom much is given, much is expected.

So, HP gives me a couple of awesome gifts and along with them come even greater expectations -- HP's expectations -- and much, much greater responsibilities -- resonsibilities to my children, of course, but, through and beyond them, to HP. I don't know, but somewhere deep inside me, this feels -- and has always felt -- like a very, very scary issue to me. In fact, I have to say that the only time in my life I've ever had even the slightest fear/concern about even being able to do (by comission or omission) something that might not be "forgivable," even by HP, is when it comes to doing right by my children.

I mean, obviously, not that HP couldn't if HP wanted to...but I just have always had a very strong sense that there exists a line or a point or a level beyond which neglect and/or abuse of my children HP would not be at all inclined to forgive me....and that was a line that I pretty consciously tried never even to get within sight of.

From those to whom much is given, much is expected.

freya

transformyself

Happy Birthday To LTD daughter, and congratulations to you, Mom!

I've given birth to all of my kids at home, with lay midwives attending.

When my second son was 10 days old, as I was changing his diaper he shot a stream of orange baby poo about 6 feet across my sisters couch.

My sister, who has always known she would never have kids of her own, looked at me and said, "and you do this why?"

But when that guy (now 11) calls her and makes her laugh, talks to her about his day, his friends, it's my sister that has a hard time hanging up.