Dealing with the friends of recovering AH/Addicts
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Dealing with the friends of recovering Acoholic/Addicts
Edit: sorry for the misleading typo in the thread title. I'm not dealing with an AH. AG, I suppose.
Hello, all,
My girlfriend is in recovery and has been doing pretty well. Recently out of treatment and in to a half-way house after a couple of weeks at home. She is an acolholic/addict but is in AA so I posted this here.
Things are going smoothly but I have a question that I hope some of you have experience with. While she was away a "friend" that she used to use with came by the house and called a couple of times. I called this person back and explained that my girlfriend was away in treatment and that she (the "friend") was not welcome at our house and never to call or come by again. The friend has not been back since.
Recently another much older friend has been making efforts to find my girlfriend. My girlfriend, let's call her Peggy, ditched her email and myspace, facebook, etc. and hasn't had a cell phone since she began recovery. We changed our home phone. So the old friend is reaching out after a few months have gone by. This friend was the one who introduced Peggy to hard drugs. Peggy has battled for years with addiction and it has been very ugly at times, all of which the old friend knows about. This friend has used with Peggy in spite of all of that and is just not a good influence. I'll leave it at that.
She is most likely unaware that I even know of Peggy's drug use and of her role in all of it. So she has no idea of what has been happening for the last 3 months at least. There really are no other friends other than this one that are likely to assert themselves in Peggy's life. Just this one.....sigh, one of the oldest "friends" Peggy has.
So, what should I tell the old friend? My instinct is to tell her everything that has happened and everything that I know about her involvement and explain that her friendship is no longer welcomed.
What are your thoughts? Thanks!
Hello, all,
My girlfriend is in recovery and has been doing pretty well. Recently out of treatment and in to a half-way house after a couple of weeks at home. She is an acolholic/addict but is in AA so I posted this here.
Things are going smoothly but I have a question that I hope some of you have experience with. While she was away a "friend" that she used to use with came by the house and called a couple of times. I called this person back and explained that my girlfriend was away in treatment and that she (the "friend") was not welcome at our house and never to call or come by again. The friend has not been back since.
Recently another much older friend has been making efforts to find my girlfriend. My girlfriend, let's call her Peggy, ditched her email and myspace, facebook, etc. and hasn't had a cell phone since she began recovery. We changed our home phone. So the old friend is reaching out after a few months have gone by. This friend was the one who introduced Peggy to hard drugs. Peggy has battled for years with addiction and it has been very ugly at times, all of which the old friend knows about. This friend has used with Peggy in spite of all of that and is just not a good influence. I'll leave it at that.
She is most likely unaware that I even know of Peggy's drug use and of her role in all of it. So she has no idea of what has been happening for the last 3 months at least. There really are no other friends other than this one that are likely to assert themselves in Peggy's life. Just this one.....sigh, one of the oldest "friends" Peggy has.
So, what should I tell the old friend? My instinct is to tell her everything that has happened and everything that I know about her involvement and explain that her friendship is no longer welcomed.
What are your thoughts? Thanks!
Last edited by clbhm; 10-06-2009 at 07:28 PM.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Um.. Been in that position before. Being honest but not with full details. It is not your job to tell her friends about her situation.
What about syaing she is not living there and please don't call again. If you want to give your reasons that would be fine but your reason, not for your girlfriend.. If that make any sense.
What about syaing she is not living there and please don't call again. If you want to give your reasons that would be fine but your reason, not for your girlfriend.. If that make any sense.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
My personal experience is with alcoholics. Based on that, I would say that your girlfriend is learning skills in recovery to deal with her past and that includes friends that shared in her addiction.
She is an adult and will have to deal with other adults on her own terms in her own time.
I understand your desire to protect her and make it easier for her as she transitions back into her life. I'm sure her sponsor will help her with the adjustment.
Have you asked your girlfriend how she would like you to handle the old friend?
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
My personal experience is with alcoholics. Based on that, I would say that your girlfriend is learning skills in recovery to deal with her past and that includes friends that shared in her addiction.
She is an adult and will have to deal with other adults on her own terms in her own time.
I understand your desire to protect her and make it easier for her as she transitions back into her life. I'm sure her sponsor will help her with the adjustment.
Have you asked your girlfriend how she would like you to handle the old friend?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Hello and welcome!
I am glad to hear that your girlfriend is in recovery. I hope that she will succeed.
I don't have any expert advice for you....my thoughts tell me that Peggy will either choose to stay sober or choose to use, regardless of whom she is in touch with. I can understand your apprehension, though. I worried for years that my sister would relapse if she was in touch with her "old crowd". So here's what happened. She broke herself off from old friends, made new ones, and relapsed. She got back in touch with her old friends and relapsed. She isolated herself from all friends and family and relapsed. She is currently an active alcoholic.
So...I'm not sharing this with you to be depressing or discouraging, but just to make a point that the addict's true desire to stay sober must come from within, and from active change. It sounds like Peggy is working on change. I don't think my sister is ready or willing to change. Until an addict accepts that they must change, they won't.
Sending you good thoughts.
I am glad to hear that your girlfriend is in recovery. I hope that she will succeed.
I don't have any expert advice for you....my thoughts tell me that Peggy will either choose to stay sober or choose to use, regardless of whom she is in touch with. I can understand your apprehension, though. I worried for years that my sister would relapse if she was in touch with her "old crowd". So here's what happened. She broke herself off from old friends, made new ones, and relapsed. She got back in touch with her old friends and relapsed. She isolated herself from all friends and family and relapsed. She is currently an active alcoholic.
So...I'm not sharing this with you to be depressing or discouraging, but just to make a point that the addict's true desire to stay sober must come from within, and from active change. It sounds like Peggy is working on change. I don't think my sister is ready or willing to change. Until an addict accepts that they must change, they won't.
Sending you good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
My personal experience is with alcoholics. Based on that, I would say that your girlfriend is learning skills in recovery to deal with her past and that includes friends that shared in her addiction.
She is an adult and will have to deal with other adults on her own terms in her own time.
I understand your desire to protect her and make it easier for her as she transitions back into her life. I'm sure her sponsor will help her with the adjustment.
Have you asked your girlfriend how she would like you to handle the old friend?
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.
My personal experience is with alcoholics. Based on that, I would say that your girlfriend is learning skills in recovery to deal with her past and that includes friends that shared in her addiction.
She is an adult and will have to deal with other adults on her own terms in her own time.
I understand your desire to protect her and make it easier for her as she transitions back into her life. I'm sure her sponsor will help her with the adjustment.
Have you asked your girlfriend how she would like you to handle the old friend?
I'll let it lie for a while in any event. but I welcome input. What bothers me about this old friend is that she is bored and lonely and has been very influential in Peggy's life over the years and never for the better as far as I can see. I'd just like to see that she doesn't get the opportunity to get her hooks back in. But I can clearly see that I'm taking on something that isn't mine to take on.
The only reason that I am compelled to say anything is that an email came my way. And I just don't know how to handle it.
The email simply reads:
"all of the ways to contact [Peggy] no longer work.. Makes me worry is everything ok? How is she?
Still writing and dating [me]? Let her know the kids and I are asking about her please
Thank you,
[old friend]"
Should I just let her worry?
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Welcome!!! You have found a greaqt place full of support!!! 
I wouldn't worry about this. If you GF wants to get in touch with her friend she will. If she doesn't she won't.
Clearly it is not a priority for her right now.
So what are you doing for your recovery?
I wouldn't worry about this. If you GF wants to get in touch with her friend she will. If she doesn't she won't.
Clearly it is not a priority for her right now.
So what are you doing for your recovery?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'd check with Peggy.
You could get caught in the middle. If you give too much information, Peggy could get upset with you. If your response is too vague, the friend worries more. See?
One of the things I learned from a friend in Alanon is :
We don't have to decide this before _____ o'clock, do we?
By practicing patience, more will be revealed.
You could get caught in the middle. If you give too much information, Peggy could get upset with you. If your response is too vague, the friend worries more. See?
One of the things I learned from a friend in Alanon is :
We don't have to decide this before _____ o'clock, do we?
By practicing patience, more will be revealed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5
Thanks, all, for the input so far. I'll wait for a while, at least. I certainly don't care if she worries. I'll talk with "Peggy" about it when the chance arises and let her direct that one.
Sometimes it helps just to write things out. Certainly to talk and hear opinions.
My recovery? I've been going to Al-Anon for a couple of months and get a lot out of it. I enjoy going to meetings and always feel better having gone.
Sometimes it helps just to write things out. Certainly to talk and hear opinions.
My recovery? I've been going to Al-Anon for a couple of months and get a lot out of it. I enjoy going to meetings and always feel better having gone.
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