nodaybut2day

Ok, so thanks to the wonderful people on this board and in the chat rooms, I have started to realize that my marriage is...toxic. Some of it may be due to the fact that my husband is a heavy drinker/alcoholic, and some of it may be due to the fact that he's rather self-centered at times. Of course, a lot of it is due to our negative interaction with each other.

In any case, as the days have gone by, as conversations have gone by, I find myself more and more decided that my marriage just doesn't work. It's fundamentally flawed, and I'm so tired that I don't feel like fixing it. Most days, I just cruise on by, hoping to avoid any drama or anger on his part. I've had some very enlightening conversations with my stepson and we've discussed his father's unhealthy tendencies, and what we both do to step away and detach. As useful as these have been, he still speaks from a place of loving his father, and obviously, he isn't considering leaving his father. I, on the other hand, have seriously thought about how and when I would do this, perhaps as a means of fantasizing or mental escape.

So there I am, feeling rather decided that I can't handle the drinking, the smoking, the videogame playing, DVD buying/watching, and then I see a picture of my husband. Or I get an email. Or he calls me. Or he gives me a great big hug. Or he makes a concerted effort to spend time with the family or to play with his daughter. Or something. And then suddenly, I'm wracked with guilt. I start to think about the good stuff between us and how he isn't that bad, and maybe we could work it out somehow.

And then he does something or says something such as "Well, if you don't want to have sex with me, I'll just find someone younger and prettier tomorrow!". WTH? Who says that sort of thing? Do *I* stomp my feet and threaten to find someone younger, thinner and less addicted if he doesn't give me the TLC I want? No.

And then I'm back on the other side of the fence again, thinking that it won't work because despite being a drinker, he just doesn't respect me or give me what I need out of a relationship.

THEN I calm myself down, do my best to detach and think that I need to stay because of my stepson, and I start to feel like I can handle him, even with the drinking, and he does something ELSE and I'm raging mad again.

ARG! I'm so tired of being on this internal emotional rollercoaster!! I wonder if he even gives a second thought to any of this?? I don't think he even cares when he sees the pile of empties take over the countertop in the kitchen or if his statements hurt his wife and child...

violet97

this sounds so familiar. i'm going through the same thing i'm afraid. i feel like i spend half my time checking posts here, because i am at least finding so comfort. i start to think it is over with us and then he says something or we have a nice talk and i am sucked right back in. i'm afraid i don't have any words to help you other then to say i understand completely how you feel and there are others in the same boat. hopefully others here have better advice.

Thumper

I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I feel that way all the time. I know in my head and deep down in my heart that my marriage is not a good one. It isn't good for my kids and it is turning me into a person I don't even know. We are getting divorced and selling our house but it is still so amazingly sad and hard, especially when there are those times of 'normalcy'. I'm always doubting this decision but remind myself that things get worse, not better. I spent years thinking things would get better. They don't. We are fixing a house for some other family to move into. Some other family will get a chance at their dream here. It is a loss of what I/we wanted, what could have been, and shared dreams that will never be. Loss is sad no matter how right it is.

I want him to be in recovery and he'll probably get there - but not with me. If it could have been with me, it would have been. He was 'normal' all day yesterday with the kids and this morning when we talked with the Realtor. But - he opened his first beer this morning before I left to drop the kids off at school and daycare. He ranted and raved for hours again two nights ago. He still has no job. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Sad but true.

intheknow

I am in the same place right now, and so unsure of what to do. I decided today it was over and done for good, and then the mail lady came with a letter from AH in rehab. Sounds like he's doing pretty good, but then again he is really really good at saying what he thinks I want to hear.

So here I am again, playing the what-if's...same song, different day. But the dance is the same dance.

And Thumper, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES??? How cool is that and where have YOU been all my life?

Freedom1990

I believe you truly love your stepson and want good things for him.

My past experience is when I gave up what was best for me emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I was of little use to anyone...not my kids, my grandkids, my co-workers, you name it.

How well has it worked so far for you staying with him?

How well do you see it working in the future while staying with him?

As hard as I tried, I couldn't save my grandkids from my AD's alcoholism/addiction. I nearly lost my mind while trying to do so.

Granted she eventually lost custody, but the father has had no backbone in limiting contact with her.

My 14 year old granddaughter has now gone to live with her alcoholic/addict mother. There isn't a single solitary thing I can do about it.

I keep the lines of communication open with my granddaughter, and she called the other night to invite me to watch her play volleyball for her school next Saturday. I am going to support her.

She knows my home is a safe place should she ever need one. I love her to pieces and hug her constantly when she comes to visit.

I can't save the world. All I can do is save myself and keep those I love and care about in my prayers.