Nothing Is An Emergency
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Nothing Is An Emergency
I think I lived my life for years in crisis mode. Yes. I did.
But lately, I don't see anything as an emergency.
Even my problems aren't an emergency. Not when AH calls freaking out yelling at me about whatever. Not the misplaced keys, not my crying child fighting with his brother, not even the fact that I don't have enough money to have internet much longer but need it for work.
When AH called yelling about stuff, I don't have to help him, or freak out back. It's his problem, not mine. That's the beauty of being separated, of detachment. I tell him I have to go and hang up the phone.
I sit and breath and look for the keys until I find them.
I sit down and breath even more deeply and look at my crying child with compassoin until he stops crying and looks to me for support. Then we talk and everyone feels calmer.
I will go to the cafe to send my work to my editors until I can pay the damn bill.
NOTHING IS AN EMERGENCY.
When I realized this yesterday I was stunned. WTF happenned? Is this magic? How did this happen to me?
I am SO broke right now and realized yesterday that I will not let an attitude of poverty immobilize me.
In the grocery aisle, I realized some of the stuff I was looking at, things that are essentials at my house, is cheaper at a different store. I told myself, "I"m not going to buy this at this price. I don't have to and can't afford it. I will wait and somethng better will come along."
Kept walking down the aisle and realized, this is my attitude towards everything right now. The power of strategy. The power of faith. Believig that good things, not desaster, are coming to me. Nothing is an emergency. I will wait and know what i need and want and in time the perfect solution/true love/job/haircut--the perfect life will come to me.
Then, talking to my sister on the phone, she pointed out that i have been living in hell with AH for 14 years. "You've never been this happy," she said. It's true. I was cheating myself. I was operating out of fear. Afraid he didn't love me (which he doesn't) and afraid I am unlovable (which I am not.)
Hope this helps someone today and don't you think we should start another gratitude thread? i can't cause I"m running late and gotta wake up my beautiful crabby little boys for school.
Have a beautiful day everyone!
Love, Transformyself
But lately, I don't see anything as an emergency.
Even my problems aren't an emergency. Not when AH calls freaking out yelling at me about whatever. Not the misplaced keys, not my crying child fighting with his brother, not even the fact that I don't have enough money to have internet much longer but need it for work.
When AH called yelling about stuff, I don't have to help him, or freak out back. It's his problem, not mine. That's the beauty of being separated, of detachment. I tell him I have to go and hang up the phone.
I sit and breath and look for the keys until I find them.
I sit down and breath even more deeply and look at my crying child with compassoin until he stops crying and looks to me for support. Then we talk and everyone feels calmer.
I will go to the cafe to send my work to my editors until I can pay the damn bill.
NOTHING IS AN EMERGENCY.
When I realized this yesterday I was stunned. WTF happenned? Is this magic? How did this happen to me?
I am SO broke right now and realized yesterday that I will not let an attitude of poverty immobilize me.
In the grocery aisle, I realized some of the stuff I was looking at, things that are essentials at my house, is cheaper at a different store. I told myself, "I"m not going to buy this at this price. I don't have to and can't afford it. I will wait and somethng better will come along."
Kept walking down the aisle and realized, this is my attitude towards everything right now. The power of strategy. The power of faith. Believig that good things, not desaster, are coming to me. Nothing is an emergency. I will wait and know what i need and want and in time the perfect solution/true love/job/haircut--the perfect life will come to me.
Then, talking to my sister on the phone, she pointed out that i have been living in hell with AH for 14 years. "You've never been this happy," she said. It's true. I was cheating myself. I was operating out of fear. Afraid he didn't love me (which he doesn't) and afraid I am unlovable (which I am not.)
Hope this helps someone today and don't you think we should start another gratitude thread? i can't cause I"m running late and gotta wake up my beautiful crabby little boys for school.
Have a beautiful day everyone!
Love, Transformyself
aka Glenna :)
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I really needed to read this today, and every word was true. I am going to be filing for divorce as soon as my next paycheck comes. I have never felt more free, and I look forward to the blessings that I know God has in store for me.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Cath-are you as surprised as I am that this isn't a passing phase?
When I first moved out and felt fantastic, I thought, "well this will wear off."
But it isn't. Even with no money, even with the winter approaching ( I have SAD and have been trying to move for 10 years, but of course AH wouldn't)
I still wake up every morning and feel like a little kid at Christmas.
I HAVE ESCAPED THAT BRUTAL REALITY.
I was spending all of my time stressed out, scared and totally freaked and i wasn't aware of how bad it was until I left. My health is magically all better. It was all stress related!
It was like having a 200 pound tumor removed. That's why I feel so uplifted. Yes, I had my alcoholic surgically removed, and now am free to create the kind of life I want and deserve. Look, there isn't even a scar! Must have been laser surgery.
When I first moved out and felt fantastic, I thought, "well this will wear off."
But it isn't. Even with no money, even with the winter approaching ( I have SAD and have been trying to move for 10 years, but of course AH wouldn't)
I still wake up every morning and feel like a little kid at Christmas.
I HAVE ESCAPED THAT BRUTAL REALITY.
I was spending all of my time stressed out, scared and totally freaked and i wasn't aware of how bad it was until I left. My health is magically all better. It was all stress related!
It was like having a 200 pound tumor removed. That's why I feel so uplifted. Yes, I had my alcoholic surgically removed, and now am free to create the kind of life I want and deserve. Look, there isn't even a scar! Must have been laser surgery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
OMG - I needed you today, more than you can know - although you can easily imagine. I've lived in this crisis mode for almost as long as you and although I'm still in it, it feels so good to 'hear' your words.
Some days I feel that I will die before I get that 'surgery', but hoping and praying that I'll get to where you are, intact. Also worried that I will never be able to experience life, without feeling as though everything is a crisis. It's been so long - I'm afraid it's become engrained.
Thanks for sharing and letting me know that it can happen.
Some days I feel that I will die before I get that 'surgery', but hoping and praying that I'll get to where you are, intact. Also worried that I will never be able to experience life, without feeling as though everything is a crisis. It's been so long - I'm afraid it's become engrained.
Thanks for sharing and letting me know that it can happen.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
This was a great post. I need you all so much I log in from my dang blackberry just to make it thru the day. I guess I am addicted to this forum...and it's a great addiction!
BTW, I used to want plastic surgery. Now I want tumor removal. Way cheaper and faster recovery. Thanks Transformmyself!
BTW, I used to want plastic surgery. Now I want tumor removal. Way cheaper and faster recovery. Thanks Transformmyself!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I"ve been thinking that my "tumor removal" rant might be misconstrued as not taking responsibility for myself, for my actions and choices.
I know that the only person I can change is myself. That is why, for the most part, I was under such stress for the last year, after he came home and we attempted to reconcile after his affair. I was spending tons of time and energy evaluating myself: was I communicating my needs well enough? Did he understand my deal breakers? He must not understand how important this is to me, otherwise he wouldn't behave this way, wouldn't continue talking to her, wouldnt drink so much and abandon me and the kids.
Yes, sometimes I tried to control him. I wanted him to stop drinking and stop cheating. He told me he would. He told me he wouldn't. He loved me. He hated me. And still I looked within to see if I needed to change. Still i tried to get him to agree to hold up his commitments. I don't think there is anything wrong wtih that. Those things are fundatmentally part of a healthy relationship: self evaluation, fixing what's wrong with yourself the stuff you don't like and making your needs clear.
I went overboard though. I became obsessed with his drinking and cheating. I didn't know that leaving and detachment and letting go of him and all the madness would provide this type of relief. I thought I was trapped.
Our MC, who became our divorce mediator, told me I should feel good about my ability to check myself out and be willing to change what's not working.
I have that ability. I like that about myself. that's one of the reasons that being in a relationsihp with AH was bad for my self esteem. Because I can't change into the person he wants me to be. And I can't live with him.
He took advantage of my ability and willingness to do my own inventory, see where I could be working harder and then do it. He knows me. He knows I will look at a situation from all sides, consider evidence. Even if it's self serving, as alcoholics are. They need to deny how horrible their drinking is in order to continue. And if you get in their way, watch out. They need to continue drinking no matter what the cost.
And I took up that same "never give up" flag with regard to staying with a man who clearly didn't respect me or our chidlren. It took some ugly crap for me to finally stand up for myself and my kids. It took him yelling at them when they were crying that they needed to, "man up and quit crying because this is how I chose to live my life." I have to fight every day to not hate myself for staying long enough for him to have the chance to do that to them. But I chose every day to not hate myself, instead I make sure nothing like that ever happens to them again. Or me. Ever.
He can "chose" to live his life that way. Good for you. Good bye.
I know that the only person I can change is myself. That is why, for the most part, I was under such stress for the last year, after he came home and we attempted to reconcile after his affair. I was spending tons of time and energy evaluating myself: was I communicating my needs well enough? Did he understand my deal breakers? He must not understand how important this is to me, otherwise he wouldn't behave this way, wouldn't continue talking to her, wouldnt drink so much and abandon me and the kids.
Yes, sometimes I tried to control him. I wanted him to stop drinking and stop cheating. He told me he would. He told me he wouldn't. He loved me. He hated me. And still I looked within to see if I needed to change. Still i tried to get him to agree to hold up his commitments. I don't think there is anything wrong wtih that. Those things are fundatmentally part of a healthy relationship: self evaluation, fixing what's wrong with yourself the stuff you don't like and making your needs clear.
I went overboard though. I became obsessed with his drinking and cheating. I didn't know that leaving and detachment and letting go of him and all the madness would provide this type of relief. I thought I was trapped.
Our MC, who became our divorce mediator, told me I should feel good about my ability to check myself out and be willing to change what's not working.
I have that ability. I like that about myself. that's one of the reasons that being in a relationsihp with AH was bad for my self esteem. Because I can't change into the person he wants me to be. And I can't live with him.
He took advantage of my ability and willingness to do my own inventory, see where I could be working harder and then do it. He knows me. He knows I will look at a situation from all sides, consider evidence. Even if it's self serving, as alcoholics are. They need to deny how horrible their drinking is in order to continue. And if you get in their way, watch out. They need to continue drinking no matter what the cost.
And I took up that same "never give up" flag with regard to staying with a man who clearly didn't respect me or our chidlren. It took some ugly crap for me to finally stand up for myself and my kids. It took him yelling at them when they were crying that they needed to, "man up and quit crying because this is how I chose to live my life." I have to fight every day to not hate myself for staying long enough for him to have the chance to do that to them. But I chose every day to not hate myself, instead I make sure nothing like that ever happens to them again. Or me. Ever.
He can "chose" to live his life that way. Good for you. Good bye.
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