I've asked him to move out...now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 20
I've asked him to move out...now what?
Okay, I asked/told AH i'm ready for him to move out and his response is "but I have no place to go". As if I'm going to say oh,, okay. You can stay then! I said "that's not my problem" and "you should have thought of that before you decided to do what you did (yesterday)".
This is the second time in less than a week that I"ve asked him to move. Last Moday night I brought it up. By the next day he was trying to figure out treatment options, getting back to work, etc. so I told him he could stay here as long as he was making a sincere effort to get better/sober. Well, that obviously didn't last very long. Yesterday he came home from the store with a bottle of vodka for him and a 6 pack for me. I disposed of the last of my alcohol about a month ago and told him I didn't want to have any more because it only causes problems in my life.
That's another question I have for you all... Anybody still drink on occasion or socially while still having and A in their lives? Either way, I didn't drink anything last night; it seems to provide him with some ammo in his warped justification of his actions. He drank half his bottle. I got up at 4am and found that he was gone-to the casino. Luckily (sort of) I opened my private checking and savings accounts last week with half of our joint money in it. He blew at least $700 last night from "his" account. This is from a man I've been married to for almost 19 years, we have 2 kids, and he's on disability which pays less than $300 a week. He gambles the only hope of any money he makes to help support his kids. Incredible.
So back to my original question. What have you all done to get your A to actually move out? Constant nagging? Legal action or divorce papers being served? I know legally, he doesn't have to leave just because I ask/tell him to. I'm not sure I'm ready to make things legal/final at this point. I'd just like him to move out so we both have a break from each other and the situation. I don't want to 'do the work' for him and find him a place to live. I know that's not my responsibility. I'd appreciate any advice or past experiences.
thanks!
Squirt
This is the second time in less than a week that I"ve asked him to move. Last Moday night I brought it up. By the next day he was trying to figure out treatment options, getting back to work, etc. so I told him he could stay here as long as he was making a sincere effort to get better/sober. Well, that obviously didn't last very long. Yesterday he came home from the store with a bottle of vodka for him and a 6 pack for me. I disposed of the last of my alcohol about a month ago and told him I didn't want to have any more because it only causes problems in my life.
That's another question I have for you all... Anybody still drink on occasion or socially while still having and A in their lives? Either way, I didn't drink anything last night; it seems to provide him with some ammo in his warped justification of his actions. He drank half his bottle. I got up at 4am and found that he was gone-to the casino. Luckily (sort of) I opened my private checking and savings accounts last week with half of our joint money in it. He blew at least $700 last night from "his" account. This is from a man I've been married to for almost 19 years, we have 2 kids, and he's on disability which pays less than $300 a week. He gambles the only hope of any money he makes to help support his kids. Incredible.
So back to my original question. What have you all done to get your A to actually move out? Constant nagging? Legal action or divorce papers being served? I know legally, he doesn't have to leave just because I ask/tell him to. I'm not sure I'm ready to make things legal/final at this point. I'd just like him to move out so we both have a break from each other and the situation. I don't want to 'do the work' for him and find him a place to live. I know that's not my responsibility. I'd appreciate any advice or past experiences.
thanks!
Squirt
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I left for 3 days with my children. I told him I was leaving him. I went no contact for the 3 days. After 3 days I called him and told him that I wanted to continue the seperation. I thought it best for the kids and critters if he found a place to stay temporarily. He agreed to leave the house temporarily. We came home.
Eventually, I filed for divorce. He moved back into the house when I accepted a job in another community and the children and I moved away (with critters).
If you let him know that you need some space and time, maybe he would agree to staying at one of those efficiency hotels with kitchenette. Or he can couch surf with friends. Ask him to leave for a set period of time (1 week, 2 weeks, etc..) and then revisit the seperation. To this day, I still don't know where my X stayed for 2 1/2 months away from the house. Wasn't my problem.
Eventually, I filed for divorce. He moved back into the house when I accepted a job in another community and the children and I moved away (with critters).
If you let him know that you need some space and time, maybe he would agree to staying at one of those efficiency hotels with kitchenette. Or he can couch surf with friends. Ask him to leave for a set period of time (1 week, 2 weeks, etc..) and then revisit the seperation. To this day, I still don't know where my X stayed for 2 1/2 months away from the house. Wasn't my problem.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I know this sounds extreame, but...
I don't know your situation, but if he's abusive when he drinks, you can call the police when he's sloshed and say you're afraid of him. He will be removed from the home and you will have documentation for a restraining order.
I know two women who have gone this route, all though I didn't have the brain or guts to do it. I just moved out wth the kids.
Do it when he's annihilated. The police will come and see how trashed he is and regardless of what he says, he will be removed.
I don't know your situation, but if he's abusive when he drinks, you can call the police when he's sloshed and say you're afraid of him. He will be removed from the home and you will have documentation for a restraining order.
I know two women who have gone this route, all though I didn't have the brain or guts to do it. I just moved out wth the kids.
Do it when he's annihilated. The police will come and see how trashed he is and regardless of what he says, he will be removed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I filed for divorce and for a emergency restraining order (which was denied because the judge said he needed "more information"). I had exah served and told him if he did not leave that I would go ahead with the hearing. I promised to be as creative as I needed to be to get him out if I did not see a signed lease indicating he had a place within a week. He did find a place and signed a lease but still did not actually leave until another 4 weeks and a lot of quacking later.
If I had to do it all over again I would have asked for the hearing the next day.
If I had to do it all over again I would have asked for the hearing the next day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 20
I could leave, but, like Pelican, I have 2 kids in school and critters, it would be much easier for him to leave. Yes, there are multiple temporary places he could rent. We live in a college town so rentals are abundant. But, darn it, I don't want to leave. I especially don't want to drag the kids around and disrupt their lives even more. That doesn't seem fair to them.
AH has never been abusive or violent. I would have a hard time fabricating a story like that and don't really want to. The divorce/legal route would be my next option if he won't leave on his own. I was just wondering what the "typical" response was from the A's when asked to move out. If more went willingly or needed more legal force to get them out. Thanks
AH has never been abusive or violent. I would have a hard time fabricating a story like that and don't really want to. The divorce/legal route would be my next option if he won't leave on his own. I was just wondering what the "typical" response was from the A's when asked to move out. If more went willingly or needed more legal force to get them out. Thanks
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I left for a 3 day weekend. I even had my oldest daughter at home visiting and had to take her with us. We stayed in a 2 bedroom hotel room. The critters had to stay behind.
I don't know why mine agreed to leave. Did I have crazy eyes? Did my HP make a way where I couldn't find one? Did the dog pooping in the house while we were gone cause him to realize he couldn't take care of the house and critters without us? Was the dog pooping inside from my HP?
I do know that my boundaries were crossed and I was not going to stay and have an alcoholic think that I would just get over it and accept unacceptable behavior. I needed to get out. I could not live with unacceptable behavior anymore. Yeah, maybe I did have crazy determined eyes!
I don't believe nagging ever helps. I believe that you have stated your boundaries that he could stay in the home as long as he was making efforts to get sober. I believe he found the loophole. He did not drink the whole bottle of vodka. He only drank half. So he thinks he gets to stay.
Do you think he is making efforts to get sober? If not, tell him he needs to leave.
I don't know why mine agreed to leave. Did I have crazy eyes? Did my HP make a way where I couldn't find one? Did the dog pooping in the house while we were gone cause him to realize he couldn't take care of the house and critters without us? Was the dog pooping inside from my HP?
I do know that my boundaries were crossed and I was not going to stay and have an alcoholic think that I would just get over it and accept unacceptable behavior. I needed to get out. I could not live with unacceptable behavior anymore. Yeah, maybe I did have crazy determined eyes!
I don't believe nagging ever helps. I believe that you have stated your boundaries that he could stay in the home as long as he was making efforts to get sober. I believe he found the loophole. He did not drink the whole bottle of vodka. He only drank half. So he thinks he gets to stay.
Do you think he is making efforts to get sober? If not, tell him he needs to leave.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 20
Okay, I'm having a hard time sticking to my plan. AH asked me yesterday if I'd give him "one final chance" to prove himself. He knows he's asked for that one more chance several times. I just told him I'd have to think about it. Basicallly, he's temporarily out of work and doesn't have the money to move out. The codie in me feels too guilty to just give him the boot--at least for now and while he isn't working. I'm afraid if he keeps "relapsing" if that's what you can call it anymore, I'm gonna just end up going straight for a divorce and skip the trying-to-be-civil separation. Of course he tries to assure me that if he messes up again he'll leave willingly. Yea, right. I've got that in writing from him several times over...
Well today I'M getting the cold shoulder. I'm trying to not let it bother me or feel guilty. See, Sunday I called AH's brother who lives out of state near their parents. I gave brother a brutally honest update on his little brother's condition and actions. He was quite upset about it and didn't realize things were going in this direction. He was still under the impression that AH had his demons under control and was working towards a better life. I also informed him of the $2000 that their parents gave AH a couple of months ago to help cover our living expenses while he has been off work and the fact that he has gambled way more than that amount since they sent it to us. I told him I was asking AH to move out. I just wanted him (and his parents) to know what was really going on instead of the half-rosy picture AH paints for them when he talks to them. I figured he will need some help/support from his family but I didn't want them to go blindly into things since AH had mentioned the prospect of him leaving our town and just moving in with his parents for a while, you know, "help them out" since they are getting around their 80's. I told AH he may want to consider ASKING his parents before assuming he can just go soak off them at this point in life. Either way...When I got home from work today I could tell AH was irritated about something. When I asked about his day he said he had talked to his mom today. His brother had talked to her after I had called him. She was very upset with AH; told him they will not give him any more money not to even ask, if he gets kicked out of this house he cannot move in with them and they may be considering changing their Will so that he doesn't gamble away any inheiritance he would stand to receive one day. WOW and way to go Mom and Dad! I knew they'd be pissed about the money. I really didn't call his brother in order to 'get him in trouble'. I honestly think they deserve to know the truth. Did I overstep my boundaries or interfere in AH's relationship with his family? They have been my family for the last 20 years. AH never said he was mad at me, or asked my why I called his brother. I didn't apologize. I just didn't say anything. I figure he's facing a harder reality now, with his parents in the light. So, that and a crazy hell day at work, there's my day.
I did stop by the library on my way home and picked up a copy of Codependent No More. Getting ready to go to bed and read a few chapters! Still so thankful I found this site!
Well today I'M getting the cold shoulder. I'm trying to not let it bother me or feel guilty. See, Sunday I called AH's brother who lives out of state near their parents. I gave brother a brutally honest update on his little brother's condition and actions. He was quite upset about it and didn't realize things were going in this direction. He was still under the impression that AH had his demons under control and was working towards a better life. I also informed him of the $2000 that their parents gave AH a couple of months ago to help cover our living expenses while he has been off work and the fact that he has gambled way more than that amount since they sent it to us. I told him I was asking AH to move out. I just wanted him (and his parents) to know what was really going on instead of the half-rosy picture AH paints for them when he talks to them. I figured he will need some help/support from his family but I didn't want them to go blindly into things since AH had mentioned the prospect of him leaving our town and just moving in with his parents for a while, you know, "help them out" since they are getting around their 80's. I told AH he may want to consider ASKING his parents before assuming he can just go soak off them at this point in life. Either way...When I got home from work today I could tell AH was irritated about something. When I asked about his day he said he had talked to his mom today. His brother had talked to her after I had called him. She was very upset with AH; told him they will not give him any more money not to even ask, if he gets kicked out of this house he cannot move in with them and they may be considering changing their Will so that he doesn't gamble away any inheiritance he would stand to receive one day. WOW and way to go Mom and Dad! I knew they'd be pissed about the money. I really didn't call his brother in order to 'get him in trouble'. I honestly think they deserve to know the truth. Did I overstep my boundaries or interfere in AH's relationship with his family? They have been my family for the last 20 years. AH never said he was mad at me, or asked my why I called his brother. I didn't apologize. I just didn't say anything. I figure he's facing a harder reality now, with his parents in the light. So, that and a crazy hell day at work, there's my day.
I did stop by the library on my way home and picked up a copy of Codependent No More. Getting ready to go to bed and read a few chapters! Still so thankful I found this site!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I did stop by the library on my way home and picked up a copy of Codependent No More. Getting ready to go to bed and read a few chapters! Still so thankful I found this site!
Happy reading!
And we're glad you're here too!
Happy reading!
And we're glad you're here too!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My AH won't leave either. He rants and raves about how hard it is to live with someone he doesn't want to divorce but he will not leave! 
He is making us all so miserable. His whining, begging, ranting, raving, tantrums, drinking, double talking, freeloading, belly aching,
This house can't sell fast enough. I can't hardly stand the sight of him anymore.
I am trying to take one day at a time and relax, detach, enjoy the small moments but I'm having a hard time with it the last couple of days.
He is making us all so miserable. His whining, begging, ranting, raving, tantrums, drinking, double talking, freeloading, belly aching,
This house can't sell fast enough. I can't hardly stand the sight of him anymore.
I am trying to take one day at a time and relax, detach, enjoy the small moments but I'm having a hard time with it the last couple of days.
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