Where Does This Sense of Entitlement Come From?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Where Does This Sense of Entitlement Come From?
This man who has emotionally and verbally abused me with his drunken banter for so many years has quit drinking. This man who only months ago flashed (and was playing with himself) to my sister under the table and was kicking her to get her attention, while I was sitting there, unaware. This man who told another woman he loved her, only 8 short months ago (I saw her e-mail, asking him if he'd meant it). And that's only the tip of the iceberg.
Suddenly, he decides to quit drinking, so for the first time in all these years, he's ENTITLED to ALL KINDS of benefits! Well, since he's not drinking and pissing out $750+ a month, he gets to go buy himself some toys. He thinks he deserves one in particular that costs $10K - which if we had, should go toward renos on our house to get it sold! Drunk or sober, I want to get this house sold so that I can finally get FREE of him.
He's helping more around the house and believes that I should 'owe' him favors, but my sexual desire for him is kaput, and I can't fake it, so that's one more thing he's shoving down my throat (no pun intended).
I don't expect that he'll ever admit to the damage he's done to my psyche, but my question here would be:
If I had the ability to forgive him (which is incomprehensible to me at this time) and try to work with him in his sobriety to move on to a new and better life, what should I (yes, me) be entitled to, in order to do that? For him to be nice to me every day for a whole year, with no expectations from me on his part? For him to continue to be helpful to me and never criticize me for what I might not be able to do, when I suffer my painful days (and instead of hours spent raging at me - just do it himself)? For him to expect that he should deserve nothing, just because he has the opportunity to put us on the plus side, financially, for the first time ever? For him to apologize to me, as much as I need him to, until I can believe he's sincere?
Of course this question is hypothetical. I don't expect that many people want something badly enough (or in his case would believe that he needed to)that they would 'work' that hard to make up for the damage they may have done. I just wish that if I were to tell him that is what I thought I was entitled to, that he would realize that this is a doomed relationship, and work towards letting me go - in peace ...
Perhaps I should give him that ultimatum, but it would likely give him an excuse to go back to drinking, where he has been able (and I - the enabler have allowed it) to 'get away' from taking responsibility for his behavior - because he 'was drunk and didn't remember ...
Suddenly, he decides to quit drinking, so for the first time in all these years, he's ENTITLED to ALL KINDS of benefits! Well, since he's not drinking and pissing out $750+ a month, he gets to go buy himself some toys. He thinks he deserves one in particular that costs $10K - which if we had, should go toward renos on our house to get it sold! Drunk or sober, I want to get this house sold so that I can finally get FREE of him.
He's helping more around the house and believes that I should 'owe' him favors, but my sexual desire for him is kaput, and I can't fake it, so that's one more thing he's shoving down my throat (no pun intended).
I don't expect that he'll ever admit to the damage he's done to my psyche, but my question here would be:
If I had the ability to forgive him (which is incomprehensible to me at this time) and try to work with him in his sobriety to move on to a new and better life, what should I (yes, me) be entitled to, in order to do that? For him to be nice to me every day for a whole year, with no expectations from me on his part? For him to continue to be helpful to me and never criticize me for what I might not be able to do, when I suffer my painful days (and instead of hours spent raging at me - just do it himself)? For him to expect that he should deserve nothing, just because he has the opportunity to put us on the plus side, financially, for the first time ever? For him to apologize to me, as much as I need him to, until I can believe he's sincere?
Of course this question is hypothetical. I don't expect that many people want something badly enough (or in his case would believe that he needed to)that they would 'work' that hard to make up for the damage they may have done. I just wish that if I were to tell him that is what I thought I was entitled to, that he would realize that this is a doomed relationship, and work towards letting me go - in peace ...
Perhaps I should give him that ultimatum, but it would likely give him an excuse to go back to drinking, where he has been able (and I - the enabler have allowed it) to 'get away' from taking responsibility for his behavior - because he 'was drunk and didn't remember ...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Well, it's part and parcel of the disease of alcoholism.
Not excusing it, it's just what alcoholics and addicts not in recovery do.
Clean/dry or drunk/high.
What do you want?
Are you taking care of yourself?
Not excusing it, it's just what alcoholics and addicts not in recovery do.
Clean/dry or drunk/high.
What do you want?
Are you taking care of yourself?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
It sounds like he is not a very nice person, drunk or sober, hitting on other women including your sister, I could go on and on, but it seems he is/was addicted to alcohol, even though it has incredibly adverse effects on him. That he continued to drink even though it was incredibly harmful to him.
While he was in the depths of his addiction, could he see how harmful his addiction was?
If you were seeing a therapist, and the therapist asked you if you were addicted to anything that had negative and adverse effects on you, and you were constantly around and addicted to something that was incredibly harmful to you, I'd be interested to know what your answer to that would be.
Substances aren't the only things we get addicted to.
So, If you can't change him, can you change yourself, or your situation to one that makes YOU happy?
Something to think about.
While he was in the depths of his addiction, could he see how harmful his addiction was?
If you were seeing a therapist, and the therapist asked you if you were addicted to anything that had negative and adverse effects on you, and you were constantly around and addicted to something that was incredibly harmful to you, I'd be interested to know what your answer to that would be.
Substances aren't the only things we get addicted to.
So, If you can't change him, can you change yourself, or your situation to one that makes YOU happy?
Something to think about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Why not just be straight with him? No ultimatums, no hypotheticals.
"This relationship is toxic. I want out. Let's get the house sold pronto."
Try not to pay any attention to his behavior - focus on you and what YOU are doing to get the life you want! That way good things will happen whether he feels entitled or he feels like drinking or he feels like a rotten tomato! It just doesn't matter how he feels. It matters how YOU feel!
Anyone (husband, bf, neighbor, mailman!) who exposed himself to my sister in my own home would get a swift escort out the door. I think it must be just awful for you to have to be in the same space with this person. Please take care of yourself! Isn't there anywhere you can go?
peace-
b
"This relationship is toxic. I want out. Let's get the house sold pronto."
Try not to pay any attention to his behavior - focus on you and what YOU are doing to get the life you want! That way good things will happen whether he feels entitled or he feels like drinking or he feels like a rotten tomato! It just doesn't matter how he feels. It matters how YOU feel!
Anyone (husband, bf, neighbor, mailman!) who exposed himself to my sister in my own home would get a swift escort out the door. I think it must be just awful for you to have to be in the same space with this person. Please take care of yourself! Isn't there anywhere you can go?
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Look I can only go on my own ESH and my husband was never unfaithful in any way to me whilst drinking. Verbal abuse yes, emotional abuse yes, physical abuse yes so it did get ugly in its own way. The physical abuse I was able to forgive at the time because 1. they were low level (I'm not trying to minimise the psychological damage) and 2. the times they happened, I had escalated a volatile situation by arguing with a drunk. Did I deserve to get hit - NO! But I wasn't holier than thou and forgave him.
A few years passed, I was keeping my side of the street clean, but his drinking and behaviour had escalated again. I was making steps to leave and he finally went to AA and has been sober for 9months. We are still together, communicating better than most couples. In recovery lives can transform. It is tough and we are probably where we should be. We aren't lovey-dovey, 2nd honeymoon stage. Honestly, only NOW are we getting to know each other after having to focus inwards first.
You don't have to stay with him just because he is sober. It sounds like you want to leave. But if you do stay, please go to Al-Anon and enter recovery. I don't know if you are already doing this.
A few years passed, I was keeping my side of the street clean, but his drinking and behaviour had escalated again. I was making steps to leave and he finally went to AA and has been sober for 9months. We are still together, communicating better than most couples. In recovery lives can transform. It is tough and we are probably where we should be. We aren't lovey-dovey, 2nd honeymoon stage. Honestly, only NOW are we getting to know each other after having to focus inwards first.
You don't have to stay with him just because he is sober. It sounds like you want to leave. But if you do stay, please go to Al-Anon and enter recovery. I don't know if you are already doing this.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thinking that we "deserve" anything is alcoholic/addictive thinking. Both on your part and his part. On all our parts. His appears to be automatic. He quit and now he's taking his liberties because he is used to feeling that he "deserves" whatever he wants. By falling into this trap yourself, you are engaging in the same process and sense of non-existent entitlement. This is how living with alcoholism and addiction affects us. WE are just like THEM.
Do you think it might be fruitless to think of apologies, retribution, and getting something fulfilled by him at this point? How could he ever make up for all he has put you through, over the course of all these years? Do you think that anything is really going to change that much just because he suddenly got sober? It doesn't sound to me like he's looking at himself. It sounds to me like he's looking at YOU. Still.
Do you think it might be fruitless to think of apologies, retribution, and getting something fulfilled by him at this point? How could he ever make up for all he has put you through, over the course of all these years? Do you think that anything is really going to change that much just because he suddenly got sober? It doesn't sound to me like he's looking at himself. It sounds to me like he's looking at YOU. Still.
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